Authors: Joe Gores
Ken couldn’t stand it. Trying hopelessly to regain some sense of control over his own destiny, he stared around, grabbed the
tambourine out of the backseat, and shoved it into the van driver’s hand.
“Here,” he said, “this ain’t ghu bank’s.” For some reason, it was probably the clearest sentence of his life.
The blond guy stood down by the sidewalk and gestured for Ken to back it up, so he could guide him out to the street. Ken
put the Cadillac in reverse again, and the woman from the porch came over to say, “You want a glass of water before you go?”
“Gno!” Ken screamed. “Gno! Jus lemme outta gnere!”
They did, too. Three or four of them gave him useful hand signals while he backed out to the street, and eight of the nine
stood in the street to wave goodbye; a thing that has never happened to a carhawk before. Only the old guy glared after him
with hate-filled eyes. Only the old guy knew how to act.
Ken had his Cadillac, but as he drove away, he just didn’t feel very happy about it. Much of the fun had gone out of the transaction.
There were right ways and wrong ways to do things. A repoman
took
a car, the people driving it
resisted.
That was the way it had always been, that was the way it would always be.
But not with these cheesecakes.
Halfway back to the city, however, the Toyota behind him on the towbar, Ken brightened. First Gyppo blood for him, right?
He turned on the radio and started to drum his fingers on the steering wheel in time with the music. He’d finally figured
out what was wrong with those screwy people who’d just
given
him the Caddy without any argument.
They were crooks; and you just couldn’t trust crooks. Crooks never did what was right and proper. Only the old guy who’d wanted
to kill him had it right.
* * *
Back in Jersey, there was a message from Bart Heslip. Meet him and Larry Ballard in Grand Island, Nebraska, as quick as he
could get there. Drive all day, all night if he had to.
Ken checked out and was on the road twenty minutes later in Pearso Stokes’s new silver Eldorado. What a great road car for
eating up the miles!
L
ate that night, as Ken sped west through moonlit darkness toward Nebraska, O’B was getting himself arrested on a bluff overlooking
the Mississippi just south of Stupidville.
It came about this way.
He arrived from Florida that afternoon to find that Giselle had reserved rooms for everyone at the Bide-A-Wee Motel.
But Dan Kearny had not checked in yet.
Bart Heslip had not checked in yet.
Ken Warren had not checked in yet.
Larry Ballard had checked in the day before, but then had left again, saying he would be back “in a day or two.”
Giselle Marc had checked in but was nowhere around. No message. So O’B, at loose ends, did what he did best.
He played liar’s dice in the Pirate’s Landing (“Choice Steaks, Cocktails”)—“I’ll drink to that”—played horse in the Blue Moon
Cafe (“DW—Dipped Walleye—Our Specialty”)—“I’ll drink to that”—shot pool at Kreuzer’s Sportsman’s Hall (“You Catch It—We Cook
It”)—“I’ll drink to that”—played shuffleboard at the Gallery (“Where the Elite Meet to Eat”)—“I’ll drink to that”—and at nearly
midnight had a hamburger at the Marina Mooring (“Deck Dining May to September”)—“I’ll even drink to that.”
Alas, with all those drinks in him, it seemed to O’B like a good idea to scout out the huge conclave of Gypsies camped in
Dieter Braun’s field a mile south of town. Local kids liked to go up to the bluffs overlooking the field and park, he had
learned, but the cops had been chasing them away because of reported “scandalous doings” in the encampment below.
O’B, knowing that the Gypsy society is among the most rigorously modest on earth, felt the tales of scantily clad dusky women
parading around campfires was more adolescent wishful thinking than anything else. The Town Meeting scheduled for tomorrow
night at the Elks Lodge would examine, he was sure, the Gypsies’ endless thieving rather than any scandalous doings.
Anyway, O’B staggered back to the motel and got his car, by trial and error found the narrow dirt road winding through the
hardwoods up to the big open-view area overlooking the moon-silvered Mississippi. There were no other cars.
Knee-high in sweet-smelling grass, he scoped the encampment below the edge of the bluff with a pair of binoculars he’d found
in the glove box. There actually was enough light from campfires and the moon to let him pick out several new Cadillacs beside
the tents and trailers. Easy pickings for DKA tomorrow…
Headlights transfixed him, a harsh voice snapped, “Hold it right there, mister!”
O’B turned, squinted into the lights, holding the hand with the binoculars up to shield his eyes. Two burly uniformed policemen
moved in on him from either side of the headlights.
“Tryna get a look at them Gypsy women?” demanded one cop.
O’B started to reply with something zesty—like, What are those binoculars in
your
hands for, Officers?—then remembered how much he’d had to drink. Whoa! Easy, hoss!
“Think we oughtta roust the bastard, Lloyd?”
“Let’s let him go this time, Frank…”
They waited as he walked back to his car—thank God for the uneven ground, it would account for any slight unsteadiness of
gait—got in, and drove away. To find a track into a nearby cow pasture where he hid his car under the hardwoods, killed the
lights and motor, and waited.
Roust him, indeed! Let the bastard go, indeed! They had started to believe the tales of the kids they’d sent home, that was
it, and wanted him out of there so
they
could spy on the Gypsy women. But he was here on a
professional mission!
It all got his Irish up, begorra! He’d
carry out that mission!
Of course a little basic caution was called for. Some camouflage, that was the ticket. And he knew just where to find it.
Kalia Uwanowich, that Gypsy scamp, must have had a sideline for times when the bogus roofing trade was slow: O’B had found
a trunkful of “novelty items” and “marital aids” while itemizing the personal property for his condition report on the Allante.
Ten minutes later the police cruiser went by, heading back to town. A little sober voice deep inside whispered that O’B should
just return to the motel and go to bed—tomorrow was another day. But the booze was positively shouting in his ear,
Action! Action!
Chuckling to himself, O’B opened the trunk on its spate of thoroughly ingenious—if often grotesque—devices from Japan to plug
into auto cigarette lighters, insert into various body cavities, and the like. There were two cartons of explicit photo magazines
from Australia (“XXX Nonviolent Erotica, All Models Over 18”). And, perfect for O’B’s purposes, two boxed Anatomically Correct
Life-size Inflatable Latex Sex Dolls (“You Need Never Do It Alone Again”) made right here in the good old U.S. of A. One blonde,
one brunette.
O’B chose the blonde.
By the time he managed to get her blown up, he was red-faced and panting, about ready to forget the whole thing. But from
a dozen feet away, sitting on the front seat with the door open and the overhead light on, she looked extemely lifelike, from
the tippy-tips of her red rubber toes to the Dynel champagne-blond crown of her inflated latex head.
But also extremely
nude.
Extremely
naked.
Well, he was, after all, going to a lover’s lane. But he would drape his sports coat decorously around her shoulders. And
by parking broadside and very close to the edge of the bluff, he could lean across his anatomically correct companion, put
his elbows on the edge of the open window, and glass the encampment below. All anyone would be able to see of her was her
hair. To the casual glance, just a guy snuggling up to his gal.
But he found that the booze was dying in him, his head was starting to ache, there was a distinctly chilly breeze blowing
up from off the river, and nearly all of the Gypsy campfires were out. He couldn’t see a bloody thing. To hell with it.
He started to draw back into the car, barked his knuckles on the window frame, and dropped the binoculars on the floor. In
leaning down to grope for them, he unwittingly pulled his coat off the inflated nude figure.
Damn! The glasses had gone under the seat. He leaned down farther still, his face pressed firmly into the dummy’s Dynel-ornamented
anatomically correct lap, his other hand groping for the doorframe. By bitter mischance, it closed around one of the latex
doll’s extremely lifelike triple-D breasts.
That’s when the policemen sneaking up on his car shone their flashlights in the windows.
“He’s got her buckass nekkid and his goddam
face
in her
lap,
Lloyd!”
“An’ grabbin’ her
tit,
Frank!”
O’B tried to sit up, cracked his head painfully on the underside of the dash.
“That ain’t no woman, Lloyd! It’s one of them sex dolls!”
“We got us a damn
pervert,
Frank! Spyin’ on the women down there to the campground, then up here with his face in—”
Guns were suddenly pointed at him.
“OKAY, YOU, OUTTA THE CAR! HANDS ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD!”
“YOU GOT THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT…”
Busted.
* * *
Dawn in Nebraska. Grunts of effort, grate of trenching tools against stone as three kneeling figures dug a hole in the rocky
soil big enough to bury a midget or a large dog.
“Good enough,” panted one. “They’ll be coming soon.”
The three men in black jumpsuits donned black ski masks, picked up their weapons, and separated to their assigned posts.
* * *
The twenty-two-vehicle Lovelli caravan rolled east through the plains along a two-lane highway. The rising sun dazzled their
eyes while showing that the early May buffalo grass, nevermore to be cropped by its namesakes, was still green and lush. In
a month it would be sere and silver. A low hill rose from the prairie ahead; the road cut straight through it, flanked on
both sides by rock faces of shale deposited by the shallow inland seas that had once covered the region. The Lovellis drove
toward it.
* * *
The black-clad figure prone on the rounded apex of the hill took his binoculars down from his eyes. He said into his walkie-talkie,
“Here they come, guys! ETA three minutes.”
* * *
As it reached the far side of the narrow cut through the hill, some three city blocks in length, the lead car of the caravan
squealed to a stop: crosswise on the highway in front of it was a car-trailer used to haul new cars to dealers. It completely
blocked the road. As the caravan skidded to a stop, a second big car-trailer came bouncing out of a sandy-floored wash to
block the highway just behind the last Gypsy vehicle.
Trapped.
Yojo Lovelli, the clan patriarch at 55, got stiffly out of the lead car—a new Cadillac Coupe de Ville from Cal-Cit Bank, as
it chanced—tested his knees, and looked around. There was a moment of relative silence except for the grumbling of the engines
and the soughing of the prairie wind.
Then there was the unmistakable harsh metallic sound of a shotgun shell being jacked into a chamber. A man in a black jumpsuit
and wearing a black ski mask over his head came around the front of the car-trailer with a sawed-off 12-gauge shotgun.
Yojo, not yet intimidated, began, “Hey, whatta hell you—”
To be drowned out by a bullhorned voice from above them.
“NOW HEAR THIS! NOW HEAR THIS! YOU ARE SURROUNDED!”
Another shotgun shell was jacked into another chamber; a second man, dressed and armed like the first, appeared above them
on the lip of the embankment with the bullhorn. Behind them, yet a third shotgun was worked to bring a shell into its chamber.
“REMAIN IN YOUR VEHICLES!”
ordered the bullhorn. There was a scrambling back of unarmed Gypsies who had started to get out of their cars and pickups.
“EXCEPT FOR THE NEW CADILLACS…”
Yojo was poised on a knife-edge of resistance: he didn’t want to lose his Coupe de Ville. He didn’t want to lose face with
his clan. But he didn’t want to lose any of his people to these madmen, either. His moment passed.
“Goddammit!” he said as he stepped away from his Caddy.
Within twenty minutes, the seven Cal-Cit cars were lined up on the shoulder of the road, empty of people and possessions,
engines whispering. The man on the hilltop stayed there, watching for any approaching highway patrol vehicle. None showed.
Where they had real luck was that no other travelers appeared on the road from either direction; of course it was early and
the Gypsies themselves had chosen this route for its relative lack of use.
The driver of the truck blocking their passage east climbed up into his cab and ran the truck forward so one lane of the highway
was open. The man on the top of the hill just couldn’t resist his bullhorn one last time.
“EASTWARD…
HO!
”
The caravan moved. Yojo’s wife, Vera, cursed the car thieves through her open window in passing.
“May your testicles wither! May your members be soft! May your wives cuckold you! May your children be born dead!”
As the last car began to move, the other truck pulled around on the shoulder behind it. The driver jumped out to pull down
the truck’s clanking metal ramp and fix it in place.
Because occasional cars were passing in each direction now, the three men quickly stripped off their jumpsuits and ski masks
to become Bart Heslip (front truck), Larry Ballard (hilltop), and Ken Warren (rear truck). They tossed their attack clothing
and sawed-off shotguns into the sage along the shoulder of the road. Within fifteen minutes, all the cars were loaded, along
with Bart’s and Ken’s two other Cadillacs they had kept hidden in the arroyo.