I stuck my head through the nearby doorway and screamed, “Fire! Fire in the hallway!” Immediately, four angels thundered out of the room. Seeing the smoke, they shouted in alarm. A moment later, they were joined by clusters of other angels. With everyone distracted, I ducked into the room.
Unfortunately, it was the wrong room. I had not entered the place with the blazing hearth and the hideous bookends, but some sort of game room with a ping pong table, an air hockey table, and a dart board. Tacked to the walls were posters of frolicking kittens and puppies with slogans like, “Hang in There!” and “Friends are Fur-ever.” Light rock played over speakers mounted to the walls.
Shit! In my haste, I’d forgotten one, major detail. The last time I’d entered the Alpine room, I’d started from a bowling alley north of Detroit. If I’d wanted those book ends, I should have first returned to the bowling alley. Damn and double damn!
Why couldn’t I do anything right? I’d blown my one chance. After this stunt, Heaven would be on lockdown, and I could kiss my plan to bribe Helen goodbye.
Furious, I stomped on the ping pong ball which, in the angels’ haste, had fallen to the floor. I wanted to rip the inane posters from the walls and smash the speakers. I even longed to overturn the air hockey table.
Before I could admit defeat, however, something caught my eye. On an end table stood a hideous lamp with a very heavy, brass base. The shape of the lamp base was very familiar. I gaped at it. Take away the shade, the light bulb and the cord…
Was this…?
Could it be…?
The holy grail. I’d found the holy grail!
I knew enough about Christian mythology to understand that the grail was the very cup Jesus had drank from at the Last Supper. Surely, of all the treasures in Heaven, Helen would value this one the most.
The grail had been formed from beaten brass, and its cup shape was slightly out of alignment. A hole had been drilled in the bottom so that an electrical cord could be threaded through. Still, as long as Helen didn’t try to drink tea from it, all would be good.
At the sound of angelic voices, I froze. I’d been so deep in my reverie I’d forgotten to make a quick escape. Two angels entered the game room. “What a stupid prank,” said the first. “Who would do something like that?”
“She would!” The second one pointed to me.
Acting on instinct, I shoved the grail into my bag and rushed the angels, pushing between them like a quarterback making a drive for the end zone. Both were too surprised to stop me. As I fled the room, one of them said, “Hey, she broke our ping pong ball!”
In the main hallway, angels still crowded near the smoking remains of the costume. Seeing me, they stopped jabbering, and their blue eyes widened. No one had expected an attack on home turf.
Last time I’d visited Heaven, the angels had backed away in fear. But either Harmony had been spreading stories about what a tame demon I was, or they were too pissed off about the fire prank to be afraid because one of them shouted, “Get her!”
I sprinted down the forested path, the angels at my heels. I ran past dozens of smooth-barked trees, frantically searching for my exit. The doorway to Earth had to be somewhere! But it was like running through a mirror maze. Everything looked identical.
As Heaven’s atmosphere thickened, my suffocating demon clawed at my mind. She begged me to run faster, but a stitch in my side slowed me down. The forest loomed in every direction, and no way seemed like the right one. As the angels pressed in from behind, another group approached me from in front. My stomach plunged. Those clever creatures had split up, trapping me in between.
Trying not to panic, I made a sharp turn off the path and into the woods. My side was now on fire. My lungs ached. Where do I go now? I asked my demon. But to my horror, she’d grown ominously still. I tried not to think about Calamity drooping in William’s hands when she’d spent too long away from Hell. I had to save my succubus! If I became stranded in Heaven, Grace, Ariel, and everyone else would never know what had happened to me.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t run forever; not in Heaven. I had to shout for help. Harmony would be pissed off, and she’d make me return the grail, but at least she’d guide me home.
The moment I opened my mouth to yell her name, however, my succubus tugged weakly at my conscious. She’d recognized something. Without thinking, I veered towards a doorway I couldn’t identify. Not Hell nor Earth, but someplace else.
Clenching my teeth, I ran straight through it.
I skidded to a halt in the middle an immense waiting room where thousands of rows of molded-plastic chairs had been placed in perfect lines. Demons, angels, and even humans filled nearly every seat. A video screen as large as the Jumbotron in Times Square read: Now Serving: 4,543,421,210. When the number rolled over to 4,543,421,211, someone cheered. Along the back wall stood a counter as long as a football field where clerks wearing ill-fitting, black blazers were helping people.
What
is
this place? I asked my demon.
She’d roused herself, but unfortunately, she didn’t know any more than I.
On the far side of the room sat a large collection of desks where angels and demons examined books, charts and other documents. My succubus suddenly tugged on my mind like a little girl grabbing her mother’s skirt to get her attention. The heavy tote bag banged against my leg as she guided me forward. I passed by dozens and dozens of otherworldly beings, but the moment I reached the perfectly straight back of a thin-haired man wearing an impeccably pressed, navy blue suit, my inner demon shouted joyfully.
For a moment, the blue suit confused me, then I recognized Helen’s former assistant. “Patrick!”
He looked up, startled. “Lilith? What are you doing here?”
Delighted, I hugged him hard, knocking his glasses askew. “You had me so worried!”
“I’m fine,” he said, readjusting his glasses.
I drew up a chair next to him. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Word in the otherworld is that Helen exiled you to the lowest levels of Hell.”
“I know I’ve been gone for a few days, but you didn’t need to panic.”
“A few days! It’s been over a month.”
His eyebrows shot up. “It took me longer to access these records than I thought.” He shut the book in front of him and massaged his forehead. “Time moves strangely in Purgatory.”
I eyed the endless lines at the information desk and the number on the Jumbotron screen. Purgatory. So that’s where we were. “How did you get here?” I asked.
“I walked through a door. Same as you.”
“Does Helen know?”
“No. I’m working as a free agent now.” He smiled. “So you’ve decided to use her first name. Good for you!”
“And you’ve gone Technicolor,” I said. “It’s a nice change.”
His smile increased. “I realized that wearing white was a self-inflicted punishment, and a very foolish one at that. I’ve given up my hair shirts.”
“I’m so glad!” I ran my hand over his sleeve, and admired the burgundy-striped tie. “Hugo Boss?”
He nodded, pleased. “You’ve still got the best eye in Hell.”
Several angels at the far end of the room were taking a great interest in me. Two whispered to each other while a third spoke into her cell phone.
“I want to tell you about my research,” Patrick said. “You’ll find it very interesting.”
“Later,” I said. “Right now, I need to get out of here.”
He looked at me from over the tops of his glasses. “What have you gotten yourself mixed up in?” He eyed the bulge in my bag. “And what’s that you have?”
“I’ll tell you later,” I promised. “Which way to Hell?”
He glanced at the trio of angels and then pointed to an exit sign in a corner of the room. “Go on. I’ll distract them.”
“Thanks.” I smiled gratefully. “And you’ll be back soon?”
“Very soon,” he promised.
I kissed his cheek, making him blush. “You have no idea how relieved I am.”
His smile deepened. “Run!” he told me.
Within minutes, I’d returned to my living room. I frantically searched for a place to stash the grail. Thinking the angels would immediately come to destroy me, I envisioned my own funeral. I’d lie in a silk-lined casket while wearing my black, Dior dress, a pair of Kate Spade sling backs, and the pearl choker my dad had gotten me when I’d graduated from U of M. Hopefully, Jas would remember to take the necklace off me after the funeral, and give the pearls to Grace. However, knowing Jas, she’d forget, and my decaying corpse would spend eternity with a beautiful string of akoyas around its neck. Then what would my daughter wear on her wedding day?
But when no angels charged into my flat, I relaxed. I patted the comforting heft of the bronze cup inside the tote bag. This thing was my ticket to freedom and worth any risk I’d taken.
Although I wanted to bring the icon to Helen, the day had taken its toll. Exhaustion dulled my mind. I needed to be as sharp as possible if I planned on going up against my demon overlord. As much as I wanted to bargain, I decided to wait until the next morning.
I finally hid the grail in the one place I figured no one would look. Sitting in the kitchen’s walk-in pantry was an enormous, plastic container of clean kitty litter. Although I cringed at the idea of treating a holy icon with such disrespect, I figured it couldn’t be worse than drilling a hole in it to make a lamp. So, with a slight feeling of misgiving, I buried it beneath a layer of litter and went to bed.
The next morning, as I was about to take the grail to Helen, the front door opened. A moment later, Jas stumbled into the kitchen. She stank like cigarette smoke, her dress was rumpled, and her makeup clumped. She looked liked she’d been run over by Hell’s party bus.
I lifted my eyebrows. “Rough night?”
“Don’t judge me,” she muttered and headed straight for the coffee pot.
Although this had been her typical morning behavior from the time she’d turned nineteen, her party side had mellowed since she’d met Tommy. In fact, I hadn’t seen her this wiped out since New Year’s Eve.
“What happened to you?” I asked.
She ignored me and poured some coffee.
“Jas?”
She blinked her bloodshot eyes. “Chrissie and I went out to celebrate my new job. End of story.”
There had to be more to it, but she remained stubbornly silent. “Congratulations on the job, by the way,” I said, hoping to improve her mood.
She didn’t even smile. Like her dad, Jas could produce a pretty good warrior’s face when she wanted to. “I’m moving out today.”
“You found a place already?” I asked, surprised.
“Not yet, but I’m moving in with Mom and Dad until I do.” She watched me with hard, flat eyes. “And Tommy needs a ride to the doctor’s office tomorrow afternoon. You should pick him up at two.”
I felt like I was reading a book with a few chapters missing. “What’s going on?”
Her warrior’s face slipped. Her lower lip trembled, and her eyes brimmed with tears. “It’s over between me and Tommy.”
“Jas! You can’t mean that!”
She slammed her mug down. “How can I stay with him when he’s got
your
name tattooed over his heart?”
So he’d told her. Oh, shit. “Jas…”
“Don’t! Just don’t.” She backed away from me. “He’s all yours. I don’t want him.”