151 Days (34 page)

“You want a beer?” Danny asked, pausing to hear my answer.

I had been one of the popular kids too long not to know when I was being tested. “Yeah, whatever there is.”

His smile got wider, and he walked away to grab us some drinks.

I walked around, taking the whole scene in at once. There was an energy that reminded me of the parties we used to throw after games. There was no organization or pattern; it was just a bunch of guys getting together with an excuse to get drunk and have fun. This was what Kelly’s parties were like before….

I sighed as I realized Kelly would have loved this place.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Danny said quickly as he walked toward me with two red cups of beer. “You almost looked like you were going to smile there for a second. Quick, take a drink!”

I took the beer and downed almost half of it as I tried to drink myself out of my misery. Danny finished his in one gulp and looked at me and my half-f cup. He moved his head as to hurry me along, and I laughed. “Are you trying to get me drunk?”

He leaned closer and whispered, “I’m trying to get that gigantic stick out of your ass and get you to have some fun, dude. Drunk just happens to be the quickest way to do that.”

He looked like he was joking, but I knew he wasn’t.

I finished my beer in one shot and held my cup out again. “Hit me,” I said, swallowing hard.

“There it is!” he cheered. “Come on, let me introduce you to some people.”

I followed, trying my best to be happy.

S
EVEN
BEERS
later, I was feeling no pain.

Danny had introduced me to a few of his teammates, all of them older than both of us. They were nice enough, but since I wasn’t being recruited for basketball, they weren’t too keen on getting to know me. That was okay, because being surrounded by a group of guys who consider six foot four short was a bit intimating. I did meet a couple of guys on the baseball team, and they seemed very cool, but I could tell talking up a potential recruit at a party was not their thing.

A couple of hours in, Danny brought us back two more red cups of beer and two girls. I began to break out in a cold sweat as he introduced girl one and girl two to me. It seemed girl two was meant for me, because she moved next to me and gave me a drunk smile. I didn’t know her, so I could be wrong about that, but I do know at the very least she gave me a pleasantly buzzed smile. “I like your jacket,” she said, putting a hand on my chest and letting it trail downward.

I took a step back and spilled beer all over my slacks.

“And we have a winner!” Danny roared as I jumped up quickly. The people around us laughed as I tried to wipe the beer off my lap. “What did I say? You’re dressed fine,” he said, raising his beer in a salute.

Girl number two moved over to me and whispered in my ear. “You want to get those pants off?”

“
No
!” I screamed in reflex. She froze as everyone within earshot looked over at us. I had forgotten what being consumed by peer pressure felt like. “I mean, it’s good,” I added quickly. “I just need another beer now.”

“We can get you guys some,” girl number one offered, taking Danny’s now empty cup.

Girl number two stared at me for a few seconds before taking my cup. She was way too drunk to know what was going on, but she wasn’t so stupid as not to sense something. “I’ll be right back. Don’t take those off without me,” she said with a slur.

“I won’t,” I said, chuckling at the nonjoke.

As soon as they were out of range, Danny moved closer to me. “Look, dude, just play along right now. It’s easier if someone sees us talking to some drunk chicks before we jet.”

“Say what?” I asked, confused.

Danny couldn’t answer as one of his teammates walked over with a girl on his arm. “Hey, we’re heading to IHOP. You guys wanna bring your dates?” he said, gesturing to girls one and two, who were standing in the line at the keg.

“Maybe,” Danny said with a sly grin. “But I doubt it.”

The other guy broke out laughing and held his fist out for Danny to bump. “Tear it up, my brother.” Danny nudged his fist. “Nice to meet you, Barney.”

“Brad,” I said, correcting him.

“Who?” he asked back.

“Never mind,” I said, as the beer began to dribble down my legs.

The guy gave me a quick “Whatever” and said to Danny, “Call me tomorrow, big guy.”

Danny nodded, and about a dozen guys walked out with girls. They looked like a band of giants who were taking their female captives back to their lands. I shook my head as I realized I was a bit more buzzed than I had figured.

“Okay, good,” Danny said as soon as they were gone. “Come on, before they get back.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me through the crowd.

“Who?” I asked, following the best I could.

“One skank, two skank, red skank, blue skank,” he said, nodding back the way we came. “Come on before someone sees us!”

I let myself be pulled down one of the halls simply because I had no idea what was going on anymore. We stopped at a closed door, and he pulled a key out of his pocket. “The party is winding down. They’ll assume we left with the other guys.” I nodded, not knowing what that meant as he opened his door. “Get in here already.”

I hurried in as he slammed the door. I turned around to ask him what was going on, but as soon as I opened my mouth, I found his on top of mine.

I stood there frozen as he kissed me.

Seconds passed, and I didn’t move.

After more nothing from me, he pulled back slightly.

He stared at me for a second. “You okay?”

I nodded.

He leaned in to kiss me again.

“Whoa,” I said, pulling back. “Why are you kissing me?” The room was ridiculously small—even more so when occupied by a guy his size.

“Why?” he asked, pulling his sweatshirt over his head. “I’ve been wanting to attack you since this morning.” His T-shirt had ridden up, exposing a body that was just this side of perfect. He had an eight-pack and I realized there wasn’t an ounce of fat on him. He was huge and defined. I hated everything about his genetics instantly.

And then my brain stopped being a horndog. “Wait, you’re gay?”

“Bi,” he said, pulling the T-shirt off. “It’s cool, dude. I know about you,” he said, advancing.

I took another step back. “You do? How?” If this guy was going to try to force the point, I really didn’t think I could stop him.

He chuckled as he slipped his shoes off. Jesus Christ, his feet were huge. “Why do you think they sent me to walk you around? I’m in the same boat, man. Trust me, it’s all good.”

His hands went to his pants, and I called out, “Okay, stop!” He froze as I tried to ignore the fact I could see he was already aroused through his boxers and slacks. “I can’t do this.”

The top button of his pants was undone, and I could see the Adonis cut of his torso flex. I honestly didn’t know they made guys who looked like this. “You can’t? Dude, we’re covered. The guys saw us with those chicks. As far as anyone is concerned, we fucked them silly and then crashed.”

“No,” I tried to explain, shaking my head. “I don’t…. Look, can you please just sit down and talk for a second?”

He stopped walking toward me and looked down. “Are you not into me? Because you’ve been staring pretty hard for someone who isn’t attracted.”

I sat on the edge of his bed as he straddled the chair at his computer desk. “Do I think you’re hot? Yes. But I am not going to fool around with you.”

He got a confused look. “Why?”

I honestly didn’t know what I was going to say when I opened my mouth, but the moment the words came tumbling out, I knew they were the truth. “I’m in love with someone else.”

He put his head down and let off a pretty convincing growl. “I. Have. The. Shittiest. Luck.”

“I’m sorry?” I offered.

He looked up and sighed. “It’s cool. You want me to take you home?”

I sat there for a moment and thought about it. “I’d rather you tell me what it’s like to be an athlete in the closet.”

He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, and I really thought he hadn’t heard me. Finally he said, “What’s it like? Crap. You can’t tell anyone what you’re really thinking. You can’t be with the person you really want to. I’m dating a girl that I have zero interest in, which is a shame because she’s an incredible person. I feel like a dog that has a piece of steak on his nose, and the world is just daring me to eat it. So how is it? Well, if I had a choice between this and having a guy come in every day and kick me in the balls, I’d invest in ice packs and industrial-strength cups.”

He sounded miserable, but I think he felt better after unloading all that on me. I went back over his words, and something clicked. “Who is he?” I asked.

He looked up at me. “Who?”

“The person you really want to be with,” I answered.

He didn’t say a word for a long time and then just deflated in his chair. “Who cares? I screwed it up with him anyways.”

“Me?” I asked, pointing a finger to my chest.

He chuckled a bit. “Okay, I guess it’s true. All jocks are self-absorbed idiots. No, not you. You just happened to be hot, and I knew you were into guys. The guy I screwed up with was… different.”

“Different good?”

He nodded and added, “Different incredible.”

I knew the feeling. In fact, I knew the exact feeling. The words I said next weren’t so much to him as they were to my own lazy ass. “Then go get him. Go after him, and don’t let anything stop you. Look, you love basketball the same way I love baseball, but look at us now. We’re fucking miserable. Sports isn’t going to make our lives instantly perfect, and they aren’t going to give us everlasting joy.” I leaned toward him. “And we both know that playing any kind of ball isn’t going to make us like girls. So you… we have a choice. We either keep being miserable because we sacrifice the things we really want for the things we think we should want, or we stop being pussies and man up. Go get the thing in life that is going to make us complete, and fuck the rest of the world. If they aren’t ready for a gay athlete, then someone else will be. Because I’d rather be a happy me than a miserable someone else.” I stood up. “And I’m tired of being someone else.”

He looked up at me, his face kind of stuck between a smile and something else.

“You’re right,” he said slowly. “You are absolutely right. If I want Sam, then I should go get him.”

I had no idea what that meant, but I chimed in. “And I want Kyle, and I
am
going to go get him.” He looked at me and smiled.

He stood up, and I instantly felt like a reject from the lollipop guild. “Fuck yeah!” he roared.

“But not right now,” I said, quieter. “Because it’s like three in the morning, and any guy we call and proclaim our love for will think we’re just drunk-dialing them.”

He thought about it and agreed. “Yeah, good point. Then tomorrow, I’ll go get him.” He looked down at me, and I again tried not to stare at his eight-pack. “I’m glad I met you, Brad. You’re a serious bro.” He did a quick one-shoulder hug and patted me on the back. “Seriously, man, your guy is a lucky dude.”

I smiled at him. “Thanks, man, and I’m sure Sam is just as lucky.”

He pulled down his shirt and grabbed his keys. “Not yet, but he will be.”

W
HEN
D
ANNY
dropped me off at the hotel, I wasn’t surprised to find my dad asleep in his bed.

I didn’t turn on the lights and just slipped my clothes off in the dark. I was digging through my bag for some sweats to sleep in when I heard him ask, “So, have fun?”

I pulled on the pants and slipped my shirt over my head. It reeked of smoke. I tossed it in the corner and felt my way over to my bed. “Kinda,” I answered, sitting on the edge. “Dad, I came to a decision.” The room was dead silent as I waited for him to speak. I heard him rustle in his bed, most likely moving to turn the light on. “Please don’t turn that on,” I said quickly. “I need to say this, and it is going to be a lot easier if I don’t have to see your face.”

I could hear a half sigh escape his lips. “Fine. No lights.”

He was waiting for me, and I was waiting for courage. Not finding any, I just took a deep breath and said, “I don’t want to take the scholarship, and here is why. I know it’s a great opportunity, but they want me to pretend I’m someone I’m not, and I can’t do that anymore.” I heard him move from the other side of the room, but I kept talking. “Okay, no, I could do it. I just don’t want to. You don’t know how it was, Dad, lying to everyone, keeping secrets, making sure I didn’t look too long or say the wrong thing. I didn’t even know it until Kyle, but I was dying inside. Something inside of me was in agony, and I can’t go back to that. If I did, I’d either end up binge drinking or just blowing my head off, because I can’t go four years lying to every single person I know. I just can’t.”

He said nothing.

“So if you want to be mad and kick me out of the house and whatever, fine. But I am not going to go to school here, period.” I waited for him to scream or to start bellowing. Hell, part of me was expecting him to come leaping out of the shadows to hit me.

Instead, he turned on the light on the nightstand. He was sitting on his bed across from me. “You done?” I nodded. “Okay, then let me say a few things.” I mentally prepared myself to be torn into a million tiny pieces. As my eyes got adjusted to the light, I could see a half-empty bottle of something on the nightstand with a glass next to it. Leave it my old man; he wouldn’t pay the minibar prices, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him from getting his drunk on.

“If you don’t want to go here, then don’t. I told you it was your choice, and it is. Do I think it’s the right one? No, but then again I’m not gay, so I have no idea what you’re going through. I think you’re wrong, though. I think you can get through it. Not because I don’t think it’s that difficult. I think you can get through it because you’re my son, and I have never seen you back away from a fight in your life.” I felt my eyes sting as he kept talking. “I know we haven’t always gotten along, and that is because I couldn’t afford to be your friend, not while I was pushing you so hard to succeed. I put you in sports because it changed my life, and I knew it could change yours. When you wanted to play baseball instead of football, I didn’t stop you. Hell, I didn’t care what you played as long as you were the best.”