“Does that mean I have it?”
“Do you live alone?”
“I have my own apartment.”
“Then I suggest you start thinking about getting a sublessee.”
Sarah can't find anyone to drive me to the airport. Ike was supposed to but he disappeared into the woods behind their house with his hounds and quiver and bow and enough food for three days, and she, because of ecological reasons that she suddenly decided on after a bad dream last night, no longer drives a car. I phone the young woman who asked for my autograph after the reading last night and who said if there was anything she can do for me short of driving me to New York, please let her know.
“If you only called five minutes earlier,” she says. “But now I'm in bed with a sick friend.”
I take the bus to Fargo, which stops at about a hundred towns along the way, one for a half-hour food and rest break. In Minneapolis I miss the last plane to New York and can't make any connections till early morning, so I sleep the night in the airport lounge.
A month later I still haven't heard from Sarah. I write asking what the decision is and two weeks later she writes back “I wanted to delay answering you till another candidate confirmed his appointment to the position of actor-in-residence. After you left we interviewed one other actor and actress and felt that Hans Radish's âperformance' in the classroom was the most promising of the three, and since his acting experience is as impressive as yours, that he should get the job. Please send your receipts and a written record of what each receipt is for so I can start reimbursement proceedings to get your money to you soon as we can.”
I send the receipts and written record along with a note saying “Because you misled me in stating I was to be the one interviewee for the job and that this interview was really just for me to see if I liked the job and all of you, which is the sole reason I thought I could afford to fly out there, I want to be reimbursed in full.”
Following week I get a check from the college bursar for half the expenses I paid out. I write Sarah and the English Department chairman that I'm not going to cash this check till I get another check for the rest on my expenses or at least the equivalent of that money as a reading fee, and I get no response. I write the college vice president and tell her why I think I should get the rest of my expenses or a reading fee and she writes back “An impartial board has carefully considered your complaint and though sympathetic to your financial and professional situation, has decided that the college reimbursed to you all that you deserved.” I then write the senior South Dakota senator and the college president and include copies of my letters to Sarah and the chairman and college vice president and her reply. The senator says “South Dakota has always been known as a fair-minded state and personally, your grievance seems just. But rather than ask for a reading fee, which might also be just if it weren't a little after the fact, I should write the president of the college asking for the rest of your expenses.” I send the college president a copy of the senator's letter and he still doesn't reply. By this time it's December and I've run out of people to borrow money from and I still haven't found a job. I cash the college's check with a friend. He calls a week later and says “âI have to ask you for the money back plus the bank's three-dollar service charge, as that check bounced because the college went bankrupt.”
I go into our apartment. She's being raped. They're both naked. He's on top of her but not inside. He holds a knife to her neck. I say “All right, get off” She says “Tonyâdon't.” He says “just stay where you are, buddy, and your girlie won't get hurt.”
“I said to get off”
“Tony, don't do anything. He'll kill me. He means it.”
“You want your girlfriend killed?”
“No.”
“What's your name?” he says to her.
“Della.”
“Della doesn't want to be killed,” he says.
“Just get off and dressed and out of here and we won't make any complaints against you.”
“First I get my satisfaction and then I think about going.”
“Then I'll have to kill you,” I say.
“Tony, don't try anything. Let him do it to me. It'll be all right.”
“The lady's got a good head,” he says. “I'm going in. You just stay where you are.”
“Stay there, Tony.”
“Get off,” I yell.
“Open up,” he says to her.
She opens up.
“Don't do that,” I yell at him.
He sticks the point of the knife to the side of her neck. She says “Ouch, that hurts.” I say “Leave her alone. What did she do to you?” He says “Then just stay there and don't leave the room or I'll cut her throat and then go after you.”
“I don't care about myself.”
“Be a hero, big boy, but the lady dies if you step a foot nearer.”
“Please stay there,” she says to me.
“I can't stay here and watch.”
“Then turn around.”
“Better you turn over,” he says to her. “My neck's beginning to hurt from trying to keep an eye on him while I make it with you.” He gets up.
“What do you want me to do?” she says.
“Get on top of me.” He gets on his back. She gets on top of him.
“And now?” she says.
“Don't do anything,” I say.
“Just be quiet, Tony. It'll be quick.”
“It'll be great,” he says to me. “And now I can have my fun and watch him both. Now put it in,” he says to her.
She tries. “It hurts,” she says.
“Bullshit.”
“But there's pain,” she says. I turn around.
“Don't you go anywhere,” he says. I go into the next room. “Tony,” she says. “Come back or he'll kill me.” I go back. I watch.
They make love. He says “Bounce.” She bounces. “Go slower,” he says. She does. I put my hands over my eyes. I hear noise from both of them. Panting. Then him screaming. She screams too. I think she's hurt. I look. He's clutching her hard to his chest, squeezing all the air out of her. She's still on top of him. He holds the knife to the back of her neck. His eyes are almost closed, but he's looking at me. “Over for now,” he says. He falls out. She says “Can I get up now?”
“Get up and clean yourself and then we come back,” he says. “And you just stay there,” he says to me, “or Della gets killed.” They go into the bathroom. “Let's take a shower,” he says to her. “I like them with girls. Turn on the water.” She turns the water on. “Make it lukewarm.” She turns the spigot and says “It's lukewarm.” He sticks his hand under the water. “A little warmer.” “That's lukewarm,” she says. “Warmer!” She turns the hot spigot. “It's warmer now,” she says. He feels the water. “Good. Now let's get in.” They get in under the shower head. “Wash me,” he says. “And you stand by the door,” he says to me. I stand by the door. She washes him. “Now get behind me and scrub that back.” She scrubs his back. “No washrag?” he says. “Do we have one, Tony?” she says. “No clean ones,” I say. “Your hands will do then,” he says to her. “Now wash my hair but no soap in the eyes.” She washes his hair. “You got shampoo?” “Yes,” she says. “Not in the eyes, though.” She suds his hair with shampoo. He rinses himself off. “Wash my thing.” She does. “Now yours.” She washes herself down there. He gets out. “Now turn the cold water on all the way and the hot all the way off.” “I don't like it cold,” she says. “All the way.” She turns the hot water off and the cold water on. She's shivering. He's loving it. She says “It's too cold. I can't take anymore.”
“Jump out of the shower,” I say.
“Does and she's dead. Now turn it all the way hot after you turn all the cold off.”
“I can't.” She turns the cold water off “I'll scald myself.”
“I said hot.”
“No. Cold's enough.” She's still shivering.
“If you make her turn it on hot I'll jump and kill you,” I say. “Remember, I still have a knife.”
“And I got a table leg,” and I knock the lamp off the end table next to me, take the table in the air and smash it against the wall. It breaks. A support piece is still attached to one of the legs. The other three legs are still attached to the table top. I snap off the support piece and now have my table leg. “I can split your head in very nicely with this, very nice.”
“Don't, Tony,” she says.
“Only if he forces you to stand under the hot in there.”
“I won't mind. I mean, I'll mind but I'll at least be alive.”
“You don't know if he'll let you live after that.”
“I'll take my chances with him. Don't do anything. Let him do what he wants.”
“No,” he says. “No hot water. I was only kidding. She'll be of no use to me later on with burns. Get out of there.” She steps out of the shower. “Dry me.” She does. “Especially my thing.” She does. “Dry yourself” She does.” Now back in the bed. And you step a few steps aside,” he tells me. I do. They go back to bed.
“You,” he says to me. “Get on the floor and lie on your stomach right at the side of the bed. I want to make sure I see you when I get on top of her.”
I stand where I am.
“Do it, Tony,” she says. I lie down parallel to the right side of the bed.
“You get on your back this time,” he says to her. She does. He gets on top of her. “And you keep your arms under your head and your eyes on the floor and don't move from there,” he says to me. I look at the floor.” Now make me big again,” he says. I don't see anything. I hear him getting excited. “That's nice. You really do a job,” he says. I hear the bedsprings. I hear them both making noises. Pants and groans. He screams. She doesn't “Move it some more,” he yells. I hear the bedsprings rattling louder. Then they stop. He says “That was good. First class. You're really good. You're really a piece I wish I had always. I wish you was my girl for a long time. I'd do it to you all the time, baby, I mean all. You'd never have complaints.”
She doesn't answer. “You all right, Della?” I say.
“I'm okay. I'm getting sick of this though.”
“You want me to jump him?”
“Hey, where'd you put that club?” he says. “Look up.” I look up. “I'm so stupid. I forgot about your club. Where is it?”
“I left it in the bathroom.”
“Tell him the truth,” she says.
“Under me.”
“Throw it out,” he says. He has the knife on her throat.
“I can also use a lamp. One of the other table legs. My hands.”
“Throw it out.”
I throw it under the bed.
“Now you get up and come here and make me big and strong again,” he says.
“No thanks,” I say.
“I was kidding again. You think I'd want a man touching me there? You're crazy. But if I said your girlfriend dies if you don't, you'd do it.”
“I wouldn't.”
“Your girlfriend dies if you don't.”
“Do it, Tony,” she says.
“You see, she wants you to.” I stand up. I grab him. It's like my own. I know what to do. He stays soft.
“Put it in your mouth,” he says.
“Nothing doing.”
He puts the point of the knife to her Adam's apple. “Do it,” she says to me. “Soon it'll be over.”
I do it. I close my eyes. He gets hard. “This isn't bad,” he says. “Never did it before with a guy, but not bad. Now you run it up and down with your hand while he's doing it to me.” She does that. I feel her hand brush against my lips every now and then. As if she's trying to comfort me with her touch. Brushing up against my lips and under my nose and against my nose. I know her touch. I concentrate on that. “Hey, this is even great.” he says. “What kings had I bet. What every man should have at least once in his life. You should have it too. Except I'd never do it to any man. Except if my girl was being threatened with a knife. My girl or baby. Only then.” He comes. “Oh crap. I meant it for her. You did it too well. Both of you. My congratulations, but that's it.” Her hand stops. I spit on the floor several times. “Can I go in the bathroom?” I say.
“No, just stand there.”
“Let him go,” she says.
“All right. Go because your girl asks for you to go. But I'm watching, so no tricky stuff in there or she gets killed.”
“I know.” I wash myself in the bathroom.
“Take off all your clothes and come on out now,” he says. I take off all my clothes. I come out of the bathroom and he motions me to stand by the bathroom door. They're still in bed. Knife against her throat. “I suppose I should go now,” he says. We say nothing. “You'd like for me to go of course.” Nothing. “Well say it, goddamnit”
“Yes,” she says. “We'd like you to go.”
“No reason to stay here anymore,” he says. “Three times. In how many minutes do you think? Not that anyone's counting. But it's enough anyway. But maybe I can get hot once more if you two do it. I'd like four times. I'd like five but I got to be realistic. But with four I can say it's really been worth it. Go on. You two do it.” He gets off the bed, stands by the bed with the knife at the side of her neck. I get on the bed. “Do it with you on your back,” he says to me. “That way I'll have the advantage.”
“I don't feel like doing it,” I say.
“Neither do I,” she says.
“I said do it.”
“I can't just do it like that,” I say. “I'm not like you. I have to want to and I don't feel like it.”
“Neither do I. Just go,” she says to him. “Please?”
“I said to do it,” he yells at me. “Now do it. Try. Get big. Do it to her. Then if I'm big I'll take over for you.”