Authors: Janet Evanovich
I took a closer look. "They must have used Photoshop. This is a horse wanger."
"It says on the cover that it's all real and nothing's been retouched."
I took my jacket off. "I guess I could spare a few minutes to make sure everything's authentic. Wouldn't want you getting wrong information. Go ahead and pop that bad boy into the DVD player."
"It's eleven o'clock," Jeanine said. "Almost lunchtime. Maybe we need a glass of wine to get through this."
I agreed. This had all the earmarks of a movie that required booze.
Twenty minutes later, we were sipping wine and leaning forward, eyes glued to the screen.
"This is a car crash," I said. "One of the worst movies ever made. And I can't tear myself away from it."
"Yeah," Jeanine said. "I might have to watch it again just to make sure I've got it all straight."
The doorbell rang, and we both jumped.
Jeanine squeezed her eyes shut. "Please God, don't let it be my mother."
"Does your mother live in the Burg?"
Jeanine hit the pause button. "She lives in Milwaukee."
"So chances are good it's not your mother."
"It was a gut reaction."
Jeanine opened the door, and Grandma leaned to the side to see around Jeanine. She spotted me on the couch and gave a little finger wave.
"I knew that was your car out front," Grandma said. "I'm on my way to the funeral home now that my lips have deflated enough so I can talk. Elaine Gracey is being laid out for a special noon viewing. Your father's off to the lodge with the car, so I had to walk and I'm about froze." She gaped at the television screen where Big Chief and Vanessa Dickbender were frozen in full rut. "I bet you're watching cable," Grandma said. "These reality shows just keep getting better and better. I wouldn't mind sitting down to watch some. Just until I get warmed up. Are you drinking wine? A glass of wine would be real nice."
I heard a car door slam outside, and moments later Jeanine's bell rang again. Jeanine opened the door, and Lula looked in at us.
"I was driving by on my way back from church, and I saw the car and I thought I saw Grandma come in here," Lula said. "Are you guys having a party? Dang, whose hairy ass is that on your television screen?"
"Big Chief," Jeanine said.
"He's the best," Lula said, taking her coat off, pushing in next to Grandma on the couch. "Are we having wine?"
Jeanine brought two more glasses and the bottle, and I hit the play button.
"Now see this here," Lula said, watching Dickbender work over Big Chief. "I've done this lots of times, and she's doing it all wrong."
"Lula was a professional," Grandma told Jeanine. "She was the best on her corner."
"Darn right," Lula said. "I knew what I was doing."
Jeanine filled Lula's glass with wine. "Maybe you could give me some pointers."
"Sure," Lula said. "I'm retired now, so I can share my secrets to being a successful 'ho. The thing is, you gotta get a good rhythm going. My signature move was to do it to 'Jingle Bells.' Everybody loves 'Jingle Bells.'" Lula beat out the rhythm on the coffee table. "Jingle bells. Jingle bells. Jingle all the way . . . unh!"
"Boy" Jeanine said, "this is just what I need to know."
"Yep," Lula said, "you just keep singing 'Jingle Bells,' and before you know it you can collect your fifteen dollars and leave."
"I could do that," Grandma said. "I can sing 'Jingle Bells,' and I could use an extra fifteen dollars."
Vanessa Dickbender let out a shriek, and we all sucked in some air.
"What was that?" Jeanine wanted to know "What happened?"
"That might have been a orgasm," Lula said.
"Yikes," Jeanine said. "It sounded painful."
Lula sat back. "Yeah, it was probably fake, but I guess it was supposed to be a big one."
Jeanine poured herself another glass of wine.
"I think he's getting to the end," Lula said. "I can tell on account of all the veins have popped out in Big Chief's face, and he looks like he's gonna have a heart attack. How long's he been doing this anyway?"
"It's been going on for about forty minutes now," I told her.
"Nobody got staying power like Big Chief," Lula said. "He did it in the back of a car one time for ninety minutes. The film is a classic. And I hear they had to hook him up to one of them IV fluid bags when he was done."
"This is kind of scary," Jeanine said. "Maybe I should learn CPR."
"It won't be scary," I said to Jeanine. "You'll be fine. Just keep singing 'Jingle Bells.'"
It was early afternoon when I dropped Grandma off at my parents' house.
"Sorry you missed the viewing," I told her.
"That's okay," she said. "It's not every day I get to see a real good educational film. And I'll get another crack at Elaine tonight."
I watched to make sure Grandma got inside, and then I took off. I drove two blocks, and my cell phone rang.
"I'm right behind you," Diesel said. "Pull over and park. I want to talk to you."
I parked at the curb and got out of my car. Diesel did the same. He was driving a shiny black Corvette that was in direct contrast to all the other salt-and-grime-encrusted cars on the road.
"Nice car," I said. "Clean."
"How'd it go with Betty Beaner?"
"Turns out Bernie snores."
"And?"
"Betty can't sleep. She wants her own room, so she can sleep."
"That's it?"
"She wants a television in the room. And she wants better sex."
"Honey, we all want better sex."
I raised an eyebrow.
"What?" Diesel said.
"Someone needs to talk to Bernie."
"Not me."
"I thought you were the big sex hotshot."
"I do okay, but I'm not giving Bernie a birds and bees talk. Guys don't do that. It's… weird."
"Yes, but you're an Unmentionable guy."
Diesel had his thumbs hooked into his jeans pockets, and his face set on don't mess with me.
"Fine," I said to him. "Have it your way. Don't talk to poor Bernie. Go shut him down."
"I don't believe this," Diesel said. "It just gets worse and worse. Bad enough I have to play cupid to a butcher, button maker, and veterinarian… now I have to be sex therapist for a guy who gives people a rash."
"It could be fun. Male bonding and all that. And while we're on the subject of sex instruction, I delivered the bag to Jeanine and watched the movie with her."
This got a grin out of Diesel. "Did you like it?"
"It was horrible, but we watched it twice."
Diesel laughed out loud.
"It's the ultimate chick flick. When Dickbender screamed at the end Jeanine turned white and had a third glass of wine. How's the Bernie hunt going?"
"It's not. I can't find him," Diesel said. "I'm getting no vibes at all. Does his wife know how to get in touch with him?"
"No. I left her my card, and she said she'd call if he made contact. How about Annie? Anything on her?"
"Can't find her either," Diesel said. "It's like the two of them have gone to the moon."
"They can't actually do that, can they?"
"Honey, we're a little freaky… we're not NASA."
I was hit by a gust of wind, and I hunkered down into my jacket, my breath making frost clouds in front of me. Diesel pulled me close and snuggled me into him, and I instantly felt warm. The heat burned in my chest, curled through my stomach, and headed south.
My voice rose an octave. "What are you doing?"
"I'm warming you," Diesel said.
"I don't need to be that warm."
"Hey, I'm just sharing body heat. I can't help it if it gets you all bothered."
"I'm not all bothered."
Diesel smiled down at me.
"Oh crap!" I said, looking up at him. "You've got dimples."
"That isn't all I've got."
I jumped away. "I'm leaving. I'm going to check on Charlene Klinger."
Charlene was in her little front yard, walking Blackie around in circles, trying to get him to tinkle.
"Maybe he needs a fire hydrant or a tree," I said.
"That's the problem," Charlene said. "He can't put any weight on his front leg, so he falls over if he lifts his back leg."
"How did dinner go last night?"
"Hard to tell. Junior spilled his milk as soon as we sat down to the table, and it made a flood, and we all got dripped on. And when we were trying to mop up the milk, Blackie got the pot roast and ran away with it. So we had peanut butter and jelly for dinner. And while we were eating our sandwiches, Fluffy got loose and ate Gary's shoelaces and left jelly beans under the table.
"I had gotten a movie for when the kids went to bed, but Gary was sort of soaked with milk, so he left early. He looked like he was thinking about kissing me good night at the door, but the kids were all standing there watching, so he shook my hand and left."
"Wow."
"Yeah, it was a night to remember. Maybe we should go to plan B and find me a housewife."
"But he must like you if he was thinking about kissing you when he left."
"I guess."
"Do you like him?"
"Sure. What's not to like? He's nice to the kids and the animals. And he's even nice to me. And he's cute and cuddly. And he seems very stable. I just can't imagine anyone wanting to take on the chaos."
I was used to having dinner with a kid who thought she was a horse, a grandmother who set the tablecloth on fire on a regular basis, and a future brother-in-law who fainted and farted at the mention of marriage. I didn't see where Charlene had more than the normal amount of chaos.
Ralph had been standing in the doorway, taking it all in. "Maybe we should set the cat on fire again," he said. "Just a little."
I told Charlene to hold off on the cat, and I got back into my car and searched through Gary Martin's file for his phone number. I called his home phone and got his machine. I tried his cell and got his message service. The message service said he was in emergency surgery, so I headed for his clinic. Twenty minutes later, I pulled into his lot, looked in my rearview mirror, and saw Diesel pull in behind me.
I got out of the Escape and went back to Diesel. "How do you always know where to find me?"
Diesel shrugged. "I can tune in to you."
"You have my car bugged, don't you?"
Again, the smile with the dimples. Most guys look cute with dimples. Diesel got dimples, and the temperature went up ten degrees.