You're Teaching My Child What? (3 page)

The experts do
not
provide teens with all they need to know to make informed decisions, nor is their information medically accurate. They dismiss fundamentals of child development, and omit critical findings of neurobiology, gynecology, and infectious disease. HIV information is distorted. The psychological distress associated with teen sex, especially when followed by a genital infection, is whitewashed.

The “experts” are wrong, and parents are right. Boys and girls have vast differences, sexual behavior is profound and consequential, and we reap immense benefits from self-restraint. Mom and Dad should trust their common sense, gut feelings, and traditional values. Children raised by parents who are moderately strict and voice clear expectations about delaying sexual activity, are the kids least likely to engage in harmful behaviors. Yes, that throwback excuse works:
“I can't—my parents would kill me!”

In the course of my practice, your sons and daughters have shared with me what life has brought them—what cards they've been dealt. They reveal their secrets:
I lied to my parents. My girlfriend gave me herpes. My stepfather raped me. I want die.

The worst part? When something awful happened that was 100 percent preventable. This category includes, but is not limited to, blisters or warts in private places, meaningless, regrettable sex, pre-cancerous conditions, age-related infertility.
If only I'd known . . . ,
patients say.
If only someone had told me
.

Parents, there are so many things your children don't know. There are so many things they are not being told.

Here's the bottom line. We have an emergency here, a 911 emergency. Parents, educators, and health providers must convey the same message to kids:
Right now, sexually transmitted diseases are out of control. We've never had a crisis like this. These infections are painful and nasty, they can even be life-threatening, so you want to avoid them at all costs. Girls are particularly vulnerable. Your health and future are precious; don't take a chance of becoming one of the many people who regret putting their entire trust in a vaccine,
²⁷
or a piece of latex. Be smart, delay sex until you're an adult, then try to find someone who also waited. The closer you get to that ideal, the better your chances of enjoying a life free of these worries.

This book will help you do that. I've combed through current medical research, and collected what you need to know when you sit down with your child. If you've got religious values backing you up, you're in even better shape.

Make no mistake: this is a battle, and the battleground is our kids' minds and values. It's time for sweeping changes in the way we teach them about intimacy; with one in four teen girls carrying a sexually transmitted infection, we've paid the price for telling them “exploration” is beneficial, and a
Sex and the City
lifestyle can be “safe,” or even “safer.” In providing that message, we have failed our kids.

The sex ed industry cannot be like
Casablana
's Captain Renault, “shocked” about soaring rates of genital infections while crusading for “sexual freedom.” It's one or the other. If their priority is our children's health, they must focus on fighting herpes and syphilis, not sexism and
homophobia. They must grow up, shed their 1960s mentality, and enter the twenty-first century.

Then they must respond to this catastrophe by declaring war on teen sexual behavior. Yes,
war
—just as we've declared war on smoking, drinking, and transfats. Stop foisting the ill-conceived notion that sexual openness and exploration is healthy. That was never true, and it's surely not true now, with genital bacteria and viruses infecting another young person
every 3.5 seconds
.
²⁸

How much worse can it get?

It's time to trash the SIECUS and Planned Parenthood curricula, along with the sites they recommend, and start over, from scratch. Sex education in the twenty-first century should have one agenda: to keep kids free of unnecessary physical and emotional distress. It will require straight talk with all the sobering facts. There's much to look forward to, kids will be told, but you've got to play it smart. It will remind them: you are responsible for yourselves; you alone will determine your sexual health; it will convince them that momentary pleasures are definitely
not
“worth it.” And it will give them our vote of confidence—we know you can do it.

This book is a tool for parents, health care providers, and teachers to counter the destructive messages that kids are getting—not only from MTV, but from national organizations supported by their tax dollars. It sounds an alarm, delineates the issues, and provides practical solutions.

If only I'd known...,
patients tell me.
If only someone had told me
. My hope is that the information in these pages will help spare parents, teachers, health providers—anyone involved in the lives of young people—from hearing that plea in the future.

T
HE NATION'S CONFLICT OVER SEX EDUCATION is a battle over your child's mind. How will she understand intimacy, not just its mechanics and risks, but its power and proper place in her life? What was once a discreet conversation between you and your child is now in the hands of educators and politicians.

Parents, beware: the people teaching your child are activists, promoting radical agendas at odds with your values.

They insist they're neutral and free of agendas—promoting healthy sexuality is what they're about. Sounds great, but those claims are bogus. Sex education is about as neutral as a catechism class. And like a catechism, the “information” and “guidance” offered is designed to inculcate particular beliefs in young people.

Sex education is not about health—it's a social movement, a vehicle for changing the world. It happens one child at a time, and it goes on right under your nose.

Take a closer look at the curricula and the websites recommended to teens,
¹
and you'll see what I mean. The following questions were posed on websites recommended to teens by prominent sex education organizations.

You could have knocked me over with a feather when I found these Q&A's. “Nearly anything we do can be normal”? “There's a political and cultural agenda behind” the notion that romantic love is the best place for sex? It's “developmentally common” for young adults to have a wide net of sexual partners?

Heather Corinna, Ellen Friedrichs, and other “experts” dish out advice like this to tens of thousands of young readers who visit their sites
⁵
in search of help with matters small and large: from kissing with braces on their teeth, to abortions and suicidal behavior. Yet in addition to answering teens' questions, Heather and “educators” like her familiarize kids with fringe behaviors, provide links to adult-only sites,
⁶
and urge their readers to join the fight for “social justice.”

As a mother and psychiatrist who has spent years helping kids like these, I had to know: are these individuals qualified to advise teens through complex, life-altering decisions? How would a 13-year-old get to scarleteen and
gURL.com
, where these questions were posted, anyhow? Why are risky and bizarre behaviors and political agendas endorsed on sites about teen health and sexuality? For that matter, why haven't these sites—in existence for years—been shut down long ago by professional health organizations?

Having read this far, it may not surprise you to learn that these “experts” are not physicians, psychologists, or nurses. Heather, who reassured the 15-year-old about her boyfriend's sexual masochism, describes herself as “a queer, feminist activist, writer, photographer, artist, educator, and Internet publisher and community organizer.... She has been considered a pioneer of both online women's and young adult sexuality, having brought inclusive, informative, feminist, original, creative and radical sexuality content to the web and beyond since 1997.”

In addition to scarleteen, Heather has two other websites. At Femmerotic. com, what she calls her “online home,” you'll find this warning:
Portions of this site often contain sexuality, nudity & salty language and are intended for adult viewers.

At
scarletletters.com
, the warning is simpler: “adult themes.” From the homepage: “We break boundaries and bridge gaps, crashing the genre and gender barricades.... Get ready to look at sexuality, erotica, creativity and online media in a whole new way.... If you are over 18, enter HERE.”

I'm well over 18, but decided against entering scarletletters or femmerotic. I knew enough to conclude that Heather Corinna—the same Heather to whom SIECUS refers teens in angst about acne, guys, and parents, is not only without any formal medical or psychological training—she's a bona fide pornographer.
⁷

Simple. They are sent to them, and a host of similar sites, by the country's largest and most respected sex ed organizations—the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS), Planned Parenthood, and Advocates for Youth. Some of the sites and organizations maintain presence on Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter—hoping to connect to even more teens. Furthermore, these organizations receive funding from the federal Centers for Disease Control (CDC). So indirectly, our kids access Heather, and other “experts” like her, with the help of our tax dollars.
⁸

SIECUS
has been the nation's flagship sex ed organization for nearly fifty years, and is currently the leading advocate for comprehensive sexuality education. This group has “trained hundreds of thousands of educators, worked with thousands of policymakers, appeared in the leading print and broadcast media outlets, and led the effort to advance sexual and reproductive health on six continents,” according to their website.
⁹
SIECUS claims to represent a neutral, ideology-free, common sense approach; it receives federal funding through a cooperative agreement with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's Division of Adolescent and School Health.
¹⁰

PLANNED PARENTHOOD FEDERATION
is “the nation's leading sexual and reproductive health care advocate and provider.”
¹¹
According to its 2007–2008 annual report,
¹²
Planned Parenthood's “operating and other funds” totaled $1.038 billion, with over a third of that sum ($349.6 million) coming from government grants and contracts. This immense and powerful organization believes “we are sexual from the day we are born until the day we die.”
¹³