Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (13 page)

“Yeah, it was me,” UDGD says, staring
Mr. Honkers right in the face. Mr. Honkers puffs his cheeks in the
most comically-stupid way possible.

“Of course we know! You left your axe
in its corpse!” Mr. Honkers says, as if he were just completely
one-upped. UDGD raises his brow in intrigue.

“Um, wha-”

“Yes, Death. Thank you for saving my
companion last night. I'm very grateful,” IMRM says with a humble
bow. UDGD shifts his eyes between his companions, and realizes
there are sparks of admiration and thanks, rather than anger and
distrust – SISY is so excited that he looks like it's Secularmas
morning. He sends a playful punch into UDGD's side, hurting way
more than it should.

“NICE JOB, FRIEND. IMRM TOLD ME ALL
ABOUT IT!”

“Yeah? So what exactly did he say?”
UDGD questions SISY, attempting to play along with some degree of
coolness. IMRM gives his characteristic tilt of the
head.

“I'm certain your memory is fuzzy from
last night, so why don't you take a seat and I'll fill you in,”
IMRM invites as he gestures over to the round seating, circling the
pot of delicious stew. UDGD is silent, but agrees by taking a seat
near the pot in one of the thatched-grass seats. The others join
him, and one pyromancer goes on to serve another round of the stew
into small, weak-looking wooden bowls. After all have been served,
IMRM begins his smartly-woven lie.

“So, it all happened in the middle of
the night, about 8:00 NC. I was busy resting outside, as I rather
dislike sleeping inside. I woke up when I heard a crash above me.
There was Death, battling a Black Clawed Anus Destroyer. It seems
that it had crept into Mr. Honker's hut to devour his anus,” IMRM
says with the utmost of seriousness. DTO snorts and fires a gaze to
Mr. Honkers, who just sighs and looks away.

IMRM continues: “I rose from my place
of rest to go and save him from the beast, but Mr. Death here was
already smashing its face in with his axe. The beast fell to the
ground, and Death leapt down and beheaded it. He then turned
around, leaving his axe, and headed back into his room,” IMRM says
as he sits with his companions, who don't particularly mind hearing
the story again, with the exception of Mr. Honkers, who feels very
humbled that he was not ready to fight the beast in his deep,
sissyish slumber.

UDGD scowls, and realizes that this is
all IMRM's way of smoothing across the fight last night. IMRM must
have taken his axe, went out elsewhere into the swamp, hunted one
of these beasts, and brought it back to the village, setting up the
entire story to seem true. A chill runs down the Axeman's spine, as
he realizes just how capable a manipulator IMRM really
is.

“Do you remember now?” IMRM asks, as if
truly curious. UDGD snorts out a bit of air from his nostrils, a
subconscious tendency he does when something is given to him. UDGD
knows that IMRM knows that UDGD would want to protect his ego as
much as possible, so he has no choice but to play along.

“That's right. I w's tired last night,
so I didn't recall all that happened. Don't mention it again. I was
just doin’ m’job,” UDGD lies, fitting the bill for the fake hero
quite well. Mr. Honkers crosses his arms, grinds his teeth, and
eventually sighs loudly.

“Yeah, thanks or whatever. Just, you
know, let me defend myself next time. Because I was, eh, totally
awake the entire time.,” Mr. Honkers also lies, doing his best to
protect his delicate ego. SISY chuckles under his breath as he
shoves his mouth full of black clawed anus destroyer and swamp herb
stew. DTO has been quiet the entire time, being too busy thinking
to do much of anything else. Could it be that UDGD really put
himself on the line for someone else?

“Wh-what's so funny?!” Mr. Honkers
says, gripping his fork like it’s a weapon. SISY just chuckles
again, and shakes his head.

“Nothing,” he too lies, actually
finding Mr. Honker's justification pretty sissy-weak. Mr. Honkers
grumbles quietly to the side as IMRM takes initiative again to get
the group back on track.

“So, once we are all fed, will everyone
be ready to go?”

“Yeah.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Course.”

“Totally!” the four agree. For the next
few minutes, Mr. Honkers and DTO chat about one thing or another,
as UDGD and SISY fill their faces with the delicious stew. As usual
IMRM is stoic and patient, waiting for the others. SISY then puts
down his empty sixth bowl, and stretches with a loud
groan.

“Ah, yeah! Now that was delicious!
Thanks, pyromancer guys!” He says to the several men dressed in
thick rags, giving them the appearance of being much larger than
they really are.

“Um, of course. Anything for you,” one
of the men responds, having lost at a straw drawing last night, and
thus being dubbed the “village spokesperson” for the group of
pyromancers. DTO nods.

“Thank you so much for taking care of
us, and sorry for murdering your leader,” DTO apologizes, knowing
it wouldn't help anything, yet still feeling slightly
responsible.

“Shut up, nerd. Don't apologize for
their weakness!” Mr. Honkers snaps at DTO, throwing his bowl over
at one of the cowardly pyromancers. “Let's get out of here, I'm
bored of these dumb scrub butts,” he adds, being the first to get
up. The others follow along, gather their belongings, and leave the
village as the pyromancers stare on with a mix of fear and
hatred.

The five walk through a good deal of
swamp, until they come to another steep path leading upwards, like
the one they used to enter into the swamp. The group, who now seems
a good-deal more relaxed around one another, exchange a few
thankful nods before they ascend, as sort of a way to say “thank
goodness,” without any words. UDGD and Mr. Honkers, of course, hold
their composure perfectly, unlike DTO and SISY, who practically
smile and shake hands upon seeing the path out of the swamp. For
the first time today, the group can see a true flush of daylight,
piercing through the dreary, manly trees. They climb their way up
into a ravine, past the trees of the swamp, and finally, the light
source of the day cycle is now clearly visible to them. It is a
refreshing sight to all, with the exception of IMRM, who has no
capacity for the feeling of awe.

The five sort-of-heroes hike (again
excluding Mr. Honkers, who said that only the manliest of men
deserve to be carried), up through the ravine and into an
expansive, sparsely-treed forest. Seeing the great woods fan out
before him, UDGD is overcome with an overwhelming feeling of
sissyishness. The Subspace Orchestra only affirms this feeling
running down his spine upon letting loose a fairy-tale-like
accompaniment of whimsical flutes and fantastical violins. Spending
only a moment to look upon their new area of travel, the group
enters, a few with looks of disgust.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: A BUNCH OF SISSIES
(AKA: MY LITTLE WEAKLING: FRIENDSHIP IS STUPID)

UDGD and his mostly-manly companions
step upon the soft moss that covers most of the forest, all
uncertain of what they shall encounter. The trail they walk upon is
overgrown, seeming as if no one has come across this way in a very
long time. Yet, even though the trail is nearly invisible from the
encroaching moss, there seem to be no weeds throughout the entire
forest. Small, peaceful insects zip around in small groups in the
sun-kissed wood, disgusting Mr. Honkers with its combined beauty,
and enchanting the softer-hearted DTO.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” SISY
says, being taught from a young age that calm atmospheres can spell
Xtreme danger.

“Yeah, somethin's wrong here,” UDGD
agrees, listening closely to the Subspace-Orchestra, in case there
is a sudden rise in tension. Mr. Honkers nods with furious
speed.

“No doubt. Be ready for a fight,
dweebs. If not, it'll be your fault that we get killed, and not
mine,” he claims, hanging around IMRM's shoulders. DTO stays
silent, and decides to play along, staying amiable and sissyish as
usual. The five raise their guard, and step cautiously through the
woods, some even with weapons in hand. The calm, beautiful forest
path leads on into a denser wood with a thicket of bracken, curving
like a tunnel around the path. The five enter into the darkness,
and walk for about half a minute until a new light pierces through
in the tunnel.

“Get ready,” UDGD says with a
scowl.

“LET'S DO THIS!” SISY says, now shaking
with violent anticipation. UDGD and SISY enter a stride, as if both
expecting to run into the heart of Dimension #666, and the others
follow along. The five dash forward, expecting the
Subspace-Orchestra to heat up into a battle-theme any moment now,
but instead the group is met with calm flutes all the way to the
end, where they see the new land, hidden by the thick
bracken.

Spreading out before them is a vast,
cool grassland, laced with beautiful waterfalls, warm sunlight, and
lovely rainbows. The Subspace Orchestra fires up to play a
heart-warming theme of safety and love, making it quite clear that
this is a very appealing place to those who do not appreciate
adversity. Four of these five are not those kinds of people. UDGD
scowls with intense, manly deepness, and smells the air. To his
finely tuned nostrils, it smells like cinnamon, coffee, and other
various foods, drinks and spices.

“There's something pretty damn wrong
about this place,” UDGD says, as he looks up to the smiling sun,
and then down to the cute little village, one among many in the
vast expanse of plains and fields. DTO can't help himself, and
spares a quiet snicker as he hears his comrades speak such utter
stupidity. There's no way something dangerous to them could live
here. The group walks down with caution, with the exception of DTO,
who is unaware that even evil things have an appreciation for
beauty.

“So, are we still heading straight
East?” UDGD asks outwardly, expecting both DTO and IMRM to know.
DTO, who actually lied about knowing the path, stays quiet and
allows IMRM to respond first.

“Yes, our direction through all of the
lands should be about the same throughout our journey. Actually, we
really just need to follow the Eastern path; it goes straight East
as well,” IMRM explains. DTO nods.

“Exactly what I was going to say. Well
put,” he lies, giving SISY a grin.

“Indeed. Let us be on our
wa--”

“Shut up, you dweeb. I'm the one who
decides when we go!” Mr. Honkers claims, interrupting IMRM with his
tangled joke of a voice.

There is a short pause, hearing Mr.
Honkers say this...

“So, may we go?” IMRM
questions.

There is yet another pause, and then
Mr. Honkers sighs.

“Yeah, I guess,” he says, giving his
‘apparently-necessary’ permission for travel. SISY and DTO exchange
sly glances over Mr. Honker's short stature as the two of them
share in the humor of Mr. Honkers pulling his weight around the
group as if he were actually manly. The Mercenary and his company
step down the large hill overlooking the valley, down along the
small path of soft grass. DTO seems to be the only one enjoying the
atmosphere, and almost makes the mistake of taking off his hood to
get a better range of vision. He is cautious enough, however, to
leave it on, and simply look from place to place taking in each
beautiful element of the atmosphere.

The grass weaves in and out of
different hues of green, curving about in a neat, artistic fashion.
The clouds above curl and swirl in orderly, pretty little puffs
that float about gleefully. The air smells nice, the breeze feels
nice, even the bristling of grass and the small brook, they pass
seem to sing out more than in other places. This place is truly a
paradise.

DTO takes a deep breath of the air,
takes note of his companion's paranoid and serious expressions, and
exhales in a chuckle.

“Is something funny to you, Mr. Dick?”
IMRM addresses wrapped in his usual tranquility. DTO corrects
himself quickly, but then, after a few seconds, decides that he
might as well speak his mind.

“It's just that you guys seem so
uptight. I know it looks suspicious, but come on, it's not like an
Overlord is hanging out here or anything,” DTO says, no one seeing
the smarmy expression under his hood. UDGD and Mr. Honkers are the
first to scoff at his opinion.

“Just you wait, noob. You'll see that
nothing good ever comes from-”

“Oh, hello there!” a feminine, friendly
voice says from down the path and around the corner. The group
looks down the path, to see a most peculiar, sissyish creature walk
up to them.

It looks like a horse, but much
shorter, and of a strange purple color. Protruding from the
creature's skull is a horn, and the mane is very straight and well
kept. Trailing behind her is an even shorter lizard creature, of a
similar color purple. Both look quite fascinated with the group,
and approach without caution.

Quickly enchanted by the cuteness of
the two animals, DTO bends over a bit and places his hands on his
knees, as if he were greeting a dog.

“Oh, why hello there. Who might you
be?” The cloaked, mysterious DTO says to the pastel-colored equine
and her reptilian companion. The pony smiles, and closes her eyes
in some sort of astute pride, as if she were answering a question
in a spelling bee.