X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema (3 page)

* Why did the sacred chicken cross the Appian way?

** I do not know. Let us cut it open and see if the entrails provide an explanation for this inauspicious behavior!

*** I growl

REMUS: I do not know, but I feel certain that after ten years chained to an oar as a galley slave he will be eager to reveal the reason for his rash act!

REMUS: Nescio; pro certo tamen habeo istum, decem annos vinctum in servitio ad remum intra navem longam, cupidum futurum revelare rationem sui temerarii facti!

The Legion of Superheroes—
LEGIO HEROUM MAXIMORUM

Faster than a speeding chariot . . .

Celerior quam currus festinans . . .

More powerful than a Carthaginian war-elephant . . .

Valentior quam elephas bellicus Punicus . . .

Able to conjugate irregular verbs without making a single mistake . . .

Potis anomala verba sine lapsu declinare . . .

It’s Ro-Man!

Romanus est!

T-shirt Slogans—
TITULI TUNICALES

CARPE NAREM

Pick your nose

CAPE SOMNUM

Catch some “z’s”

CAPIAMUS CEREVISIAM

Let’s grab a beer

CAVE LABOREM

Beware of work

MORANS FAC PAUSAM UT SEDES BIROTARUM OLFACIAS

Take time to stop and smell the bicycle seats

PUTEO ERGO SUM

I stink, therefore I am

VENI, VIDI, VOMUI

I came, I saw, I blew lunch

SOLVE LORA INFERNIS

Unleash hell

OSTENDE MIHI PECUNIAM

Show me the money

PARENTES MEI DIMIDIUM EUROPAE DESPOLIA VERUNT. EGO TAMEN NIL ACCEPI PRAETER HANC TUNICULAM MISELLAM

My parents plundered half of Europe and all I got was this stupid T-shirt

ABES ETIAM A CONSILIO INSULTANDI MIHI NISI LATINE LOQUI SCIAS

Don’t even think of dissing me unless you speak Latin

ILLUC IVI, ILLUD FECI

Been there, done that

Bumper Stickers—
TITULI CURRULES

I’d rather be pillaging

Malim praedari

I’m dumb and I vote

Hebes sum et suffragia fero

My child can beat the crap out of your wimpy honor student

Filius meus puerum tuum studiosum laureatum mollem deverberare potest

Thank you for not thanking me for not smoking

Tibi gratias ago quod mihi gratias non agis quod fumum non comedo

Visualize world conquest

Habe ante oculos devictionem mundi

Keep honking—I’m reloading

Perge cornu canere—sclopetum repleo

Horn broken—watch for finger

Buccina fracta—exspecta signum digiti impudici

Barbarian on board

Barbarus in curru

Proud of our brutal police

Vigilitus nostris crudelibus gloriantes

Stop the aqueduct, save the unicorns

Sistite constructionem aquaeductus ut conservetis unicornes

I brake for lunch

Frenos inhibere soleo pransurus

Don’t blame me—I voted for Miss Piggy

Nolite me culpare—Suffragatus sum Erae Porcellae

Jesus loves you—everyone else thinks you’re an asshole

Te amat Iesus—ceteri te putant irrumatorem

If you can read this, I lost my trailer

Si hoc potes legere, traheam meam amisi

Reality TV—
SPECTACULA TELEVISORIA VERI SIMILIA

Celebrity Shark Attack

Impetus Pistricum in Insignes

Supermodel Food Fight

Pulcherrimae Inter Se Luctantes Edulibus

Beach Babe Lapdance Showdown

Certamen Ultimum Saltandi Nympharum Litoralium in Genibus Virorum

Blow Job Island

Insula Fellatoria

Nationwide Red Alert Hot Bod Strip Search

Inquisitio Summa Cum Vigilantia Per Omnes Nationis Partes Diffusa Corporum Formosiorum Nudatorum

Meet the Organ Donors

Salvete, O Daturi Membra Post Mortem

Baby-sitters from Hell Bring Home Animals that Kill for Fun

Nutriculae Infernales in Domos Adducunt Feras Quae ad Delicias Interficiunt

Big Fat Slobs Eat Shit for Cash

Helluones Squalidi Merdam Pro Nummis Comedunt

Who Wants to Marry a Rich Old Fart with a Terminal Disease?

Quis Vult Nubere Peditori Capulari Diviti?

Hardball Talk Shows—
DISCEPTATIONES TUMULTUOSAE

That’s a load of bull, and you know it!

Merae fabulae sunt, et eas esse tales scis!

You wouldn’t know a fact if one hit you on the head!

Rem veram non cognoscas etiamsi frontem tibi feriat!

You’re a liberal stooge!

Pedisequus parasiticus es popularium!

You’re a right-wing moron!

Stipator stultus es optimatum!

See you next week!

Vos revisemus post septimanam!

Ultimate Sports—
LUDI EXTRAORDINARII

Bass-fishing—
Piscatus Percarum

Let me guess—you have to drink the beer to make room in the ice chest for all the fish you catch

Ut coniecturam faciam—necesse est tibi bibere cerevisiam ut locum in cista glaciei des piscibus captis

It’s a keeper!

Licet mihi hunc retinere!

Stock car racing—
Certamen Curruum Generalium

When are they going to start running into each other and blowing up?

Quando inter se collidentes incipient in flammas dirumpi?

Pit stop!

Statio restaurativa!

Wrestling—
Luctatus

Something tells me that the mean-looking bearded guy dressed up like the Ayatollah is no match for the wily Captain America

Suspicor illum truculentum barbatum ritu archierei Persici vestitum non esse comparem Centurioni Americano vafro

Smashmouth! Smackdown!

Ictus in os! Prostratio!

Bungee jumping—
Saltus de Ponte

How dumb would you have to be to jump off a bridge with a rope tied to your foot?

Quam vecors sit is qui de ponte saliat pedibus funiculo ligatis?

Geronimo!

Geronimo, geronimare!

Snowboarding—
Super Nivem Labi

Hey dude, let’s head to the halfpipe, catch some major air, and stick some tricks!

Heus, laute, contendamus ad canalem nivalem ut aerem oppido capientes nonnullas technas exsequamur!

Super rad! I’m stoked!

Maxime radicitus! Flagro!

The Olympics—
Olympia

I’ll vote for the Greek in the wrestling if you vote for the Roman in the chariot race

Graeco palmam dabo in certamine luctandi si Romano palmam dabis in certamine quadrigarum

Deal!

Fiat haec pactio!

Trash Talk in the Colosseum—
CONTUMELIA IN AMPHITHEATRO FLAVIO