Would-Be Wilderness Wife (20 page)

“Certainly not!” Catherine shuddered at the image. “I wouldn't stand for such treatment. I've worked too hard at my profession to want to give it up. I help people, Madeleine. Sometimes I give them back their lives.”

Maddie stiffened. “Begging your pardon, me darling girl, but only the Lord gives life. I've seen you be His hands. Yet doesn't the Good Book say that any act done without love means nothing?”

Catherine marched to the little table near the window, picked up her brush and began attacking her hair. “So simply because I don't engage my heart with every patient who walks in the door, you would have it I've done nothing worthwhile. I don't believe that.”

In the mirror over the table, she could see Maddie watching her. “I'm not casting aspersions on your work, Catherine. I'm questioning your motivations.” She gentled her tone. “Sure'n you can't bring back your father and brother.”

“No,” Catherine said, hand stilling on the brush. “But I do my best to see that no one else suffers such loss.”

“And you can keep yourself from suffering, I'm thinking,” Maddie said, rising from the bed and crossing to her side, “by making sure you never let anyone close enough that you start to care.”

The words slammed into her, piercing her chest. She shut her eyes, but she couldn't shut out the truth.

“Very well. I don't want to hurt like that again. I don't think I'm strong enough. Is that what you want to hear?”

Maddie's arms came around Catherine, and she opened her eyes to meet Maddie's gaze. “No, me darling. I want to hear that you realize love is worth the risk that you might be hurt again.”

Tears were coming. She could see them sparkling in her eyes in the mirror, along with Maddie's mournful smile.

“I'm sorry, Maddie,” she murmured. “I'm not sure I believe that.”

Maddie gave her a squeeze before releasing her. “Well, that's progress, isn't it, now? Once you would have told me you didn't believe it at all.”

Catherine smiled at her friend through the tears. “Only you would see my doubts as progress.”

Maddie nodded as if the matter were settled and picked up the brush to run it through Catherine's hair, the strokes gentle and calming. “Doubt can be good if it brings you to the truth. And if it's that Mr. Wallin who's made you wonder, I'll be saying a prayer for you both. Now let's get you prettied up so you'll be ready when he comes back for you.”

Something inside her leaped at the thought, but she couldn't let her friend hope in vain. “He isn't coming back, Maddie.”

“Oh, he is,” Maddie insisted, twisting up a hank of Catherine's hair and pinning it in place. “I saw his face as you came to the door. He's hurting as much as you are, so he is. A man like that isn't going to give up. I'd say he'll be back within the week, so you better decide what you'll say when he proposes. And if it's anything less than yes, you and I will have words, me darling.”

Chapter Twenty-One

D
rew returned to Seattle three days later. He hadn't intended to. They didn't need supplies. The days were warming as May went by, and the leafy tops of Beth's carrots were already waving in the garden. They didn't need medical help. Ma was back to her regular routine, Levi was hobbling around on a crutch that John had made for him, and Drew's bruises were fading.

At least, the bruises on the outside of his body.

No, the reason he had to return to Seattle was because he'd never know peace otherwise.

“You let her get away?” James had protested from his place on the rug when they'd all gathered in the front room the night Catherine had left. “And you call yourself a man?”

His mother, seated in her rocking chair, had tsked as she'd worked on knitting a new pair of socks. Beth at her feet had looked from one brother to another.

“I thought things were going so well,” she'd protested. “Levi said you kissed her.”

James had hooted as if he quite approved, but Ma had silenced him with a look.

“If she let you kiss her, I don't see how you could have lost her,” John had said from his place beside James. “You've never failed to bring in a deer or bring down a tree you set your mind to.”

They'd had no idea what they were talking about. Wait until they fell in love. Leaning against the stairs, Drew had shaken his head. “Catherine is hardly a tree.”

From the opposite wall by the window, Simon had crossed his arms over his chest. “But the same principles apply. You determine your objective, plan your approach, gather your supplies and act. You knew the objective was to keep a nurse in the family. We gave you a plan and offered our help. You had all the supplies you needed.” He'd pointed a finger at Drew. “You didn't act.”

“For shame, Simon Wallin,” Ma had said, frowning at him over her knitting. “I never taught you to think of a lady that way. Why, you make falling in love sound like a battle!”

Simon had colored as he'd lowered his hand. “Apologies, ma'am, but I tend to think of courting that way.”

“Another reason I'm still waiting for a daughter-in-law.” She'd set aside her knitting and risen to come to Drew's side. Her green eyes had been solemn. “What happened, Andrew? I was under the impression you cared for Catherine.”

Drew had pushed off the wall. “I care. She doesn't want to be part of this family. That's all that matters.”

His mother's face had softened. “How she feels about us is less important than how she feels about you. A lady can put up with a great deal for the right man.”

“Then apparently, ma'am, I'm not the right man.”

He had felt the protest building around him, shining in his sister's eyes, shouting from his brother's tensed shoulders. He'd had enough.

“This topic of conversation is closed,” he'd told them all. “I wish you a good night.”

He'd felt their surprised gazes follow him as he'd crossed the room and left the house.

Returning to his own cabin had seemed like the best way to remove himself from the criticism, but even there he'd found no rest. Catherine had seemed to linger in the air. One chair had been out from under the table, and he'd fancied he could still feel the warmth of her against its back. His quilt had held the scent of lemon and lavender he'd come to think was hers alone. And one pale blond hair had gleamed in the moonlight on the wood floor. He'd bent to retrieve it, stroking one finger down the length.

Oh, but he was lost.

What do You expect of me, Lord? She hesitates to fire a gun, she hates our work, she's as bossy as the day is long.

And despite what he'd said to his mother, he'd known then and now that Catherine sincerely cared about his family, maybe as much as he did.

In the end, her love for his family wasn't what had driven him back to Seattle. No, he had come for Catherine. For all her propriety and high ideals, there was something vulnerable about her. Spending time with her, watching her ply her trade, holding her in his arms, he'd caught a glimpse of her heart, and he wanted more.

He found her at the hospital, as he'd expected. Several people sat or stood along the white walls of the dispensary, waiting for Doc Maynard to see them. One man cradled his arm; another rocked back and forth, moaning. Catherine moved among them, speaking softly, laying a hand of encouragement on shoulders, offering advice on how to deal with the illness or injury. She was wearing a dress of a warm brown. The color contrasted with her pale hair, and the tailoring outlined her figure. With her apron wrapped about her, she looked competent, confident.

So beautiful he couldn't look away.

He took off his wool cap and held it in his hands as he paused in the doorway. Now that he was here, he couldn't think what to say to her. How did one family compare to the needs of the many here in town? How could his feelings vie with her calling?

Before he'd even taken a step, she looked up and met his gaze. Her eyes widened as she straightened, then she hurried toward him.

“Drew, what's wrong? Did Levi's leg fester? Did your mother have a relapse?” She clutched his arm. “Please tell me Beth's all right. Simon? James? John?”

“Fine,” he assured her before she could ask after the stock, as well. “We're all fine, or at least they are. I came for me.”

She pressed her fingers to her lips as if offering up a prayer. “Oh, no! Your fall must have been worse than I thought.” She gripped his hand and towed him to the nearest chair, pushing on his shoulders to make him sit. “You should have had one of the others drive you in,” she scolded. She ran a hand up his arm as if checking for injuries, and his heart started hammering.

“Where does it hurt?” she asked. “Your arms? Your legs? Your back?”

Drew caught her hand and pressed it to his chest. “My heart.”

Catherine gasped, and he thought she must have understood him, but she jerked her hand away. “Doctor Maynard!” she cried, dashing for the door. “We need you!”

As the other waiting patients stared at him, Drew stood. “No, Catherine, you misunderstand. I'm fine.”

Doc Maynard strode into the dispensary. His white apron was speckled with a dusty red. “One more life in this world. What's wrong?”

Catherine drew in a deep breath. “Apparently nothing. Please forgive me. And give my congratulations to Mrs. Stevenson.”

He nodded, then smiled at Drew. “Come to steal my nurse again, Drew?”

He was about to deny it when inspiration struck. “Actually, yes,” he said. “I'd like her to come out and take a look at Ma and Levi. I'll return her tomorrow.”

Maynard waved a beefy hand. “Certainly. We can make do a day or two without her this time. But not much more.” He turned to the man waiting nearest him and began asking questions about his condition.

Catherine moved back to Drew's side. “I thought you said everyone was fine at the Landing.”

“They are,” Drew replied, “and I'd like to keep them that way.”

Catherine's eyes narrowed. “As you can see, we have a great need here.”

Though he felt like a selfish oaf for asking her to abandon these people for him, he couldn't very well talk about their future in such surroundings. He needed her somewhere they could discuss matters, reach some agreement.

Where he could hold her in his arms and tell her how much she meant to him.

“Come with me, Catherine,” he urged. “I know everyone will be glad to see you, and you can make sure Levi's leg is healing straight.”

Still she eyed him. He thought she might be holding her breath. He was holding his. Finally, she nodded. “Very well. But this time we stop by the boardinghouse before we go so I can alert Maddie and bring a few things.”

Relief coursed through him, and air rushed into his lungs. She was going to give him a chance. Perhaps on the drive or at the Landing, he could convince her to think differently about him.

“Anything you want,” he told her. “And thank you.”

* * *

She should have refused him. By his own admission, everyone was fine at the Landing. What good could she do there? Her heart would only break when she left him again.

She'd had a hard enough time the past few days. Each time the door opened at the hospital, she'd expected Drew to walk through it, coming to tell her something horrible had happened. Or Simon to tell her Drew lay dying from the injuries she'd chosen to ignore. How could she claim to be a nurse and leave the man she loved in pain? Why had she let fear rule her better judgment?

Yet how could she go back and beg his forgiveness when she still wasn't sure how to deal with those fears?

Now she glanced over at Drew as he drove the team along the track out of town. He had been quite the gentleman, escorting her to the boardinghouse and waiting on the porch while she'd told Maddie the circumstances and packed her bandbox. She'd let him carry it to the wagon for her while Maddie had supervised from the porch.

“What's this?” he'd asked as Catherine had handed him a book.

“Culpeper's Complete Herbal,”
she had told him. “I promised John a copy. I simply wasn't sure when I'd see him again to give it to him.”

His smile had been warm as he'd placed the book behind the seat. Very likely he'd thought she'd been hoping he'd come for her.

He wasn't entirely wrong.

“You be taking all the time you need, now, Mr. Wallin,” Maddie had called in encouragement as he'd lifted Catherine onto the bench. “Sure'n Catherine could do with a change of scenery, and I'm thinking you have some fine scenery up where you live.”

Catherine had frowned at her, but Maddie had merely laughed and waved a hand as they'd set off.

If Drew noticed Catherine's scrutiny at the moment, he didn't show it. More than anything, she wanted to know why he'd made the trek into town to fetch her. He'd said something was wrong with his heart. Was he truly hurting as much as she was, as Maddie had claimed? Why didn't he say something, explain his reasoning, share his feelings?

Tell her he loved her too much to let her go.

“Have you had many patients lately?” he asked.

Polite conversation again? Once she would have welcomed it or sought her own safe topic. Now her disappointment was like bitter medicine in her mouth.

“Enough to keep us busy,” she replied, shoulders of her dress brushing a red-throated rhododendron as they passed. “There's a rumor another doctor may be coming on the next ship from San Francisco.”

“That's good news.”

In the silence that followed, she could hear the horses' hooves sucking at the mud of the track. She couldn't go on this way.
Lord, help me. Give me the words to tell him what's in my heart, what I fear.

“Drew, I...” she started, even as he said, “Catherine, I...”

He smiled. “Forgive me. What did you want to say?”

Catherine couldn't look at him. How did a woman tell a man she cared for him so much it frightened her? She fixed her gaze ahead, into the trees, then frowned. “Is that smoke?”

Drew had been looking at her. Now his head whipped around. Rising above the towering firs was a plume of gray, growing larger every minute.

“Something's on fire,” he said, and he slapped the reins to urge the horses faster.

Not the Landing! But even if it wasn't Drew's home, the fire looked too close for comfort. How fast did a fire travel among the trees? Could it outrun a person? A horse? How many would be harmed if it wasn't contained?

As if her fears had infected him, Drew called to the team, pushing them forward. Catherine clutched the sideboard as the wagon careened down the track. The forest was no more than a green blur on either side. Something leaped across their path, and she realized it was a deer, fleeing the flames.

Lord, please protect Beth and Drew's brothers. Protect dear Mrs. Wallin. Please keep them all safe!

They rattled into the clearing, and Drew hauled back on the reins to bring the horses to a stop. Flames licked up the side of the barn, darkening the white circle Drew had drawn for Catherine to practice shooting.

The Wallins had formed a line from Mrs. Wallin and Beth working the pump outside Drew's house to Simon closer to the barn, and were passing buckets of water toward the fire. Drew looped the reins around the brake and put his hand on the sideboard to jump down. The team reared in their traces, whinnying in fear, knocking him back beside Catherine. She put out her hands to steady him.

“I'll calm them,” he promised as he straightened. “Take Ma and Beth to the lake. You'll be safe there.”

“I'm not leaving you!” Catherine insisted, but he was already climbing down, speaking to his horses. A moment later, he was running toward his cabin.

She wasn't sure how she could help fight a fire, but she knew she could ease his mind about his mother and sister. Gingerly, she picked up the reins, then had to pull as the excited horses tried to plunge forward.

Beth ran to the wagon and climbed up beside Catherine. “Drew and the others are going to keep fighting the fire,” she reported, face flushed. “He wants us to protect the stock.”

James and John had dropped their buckets and raced into the barn. Now they reappeared through the smoke, each leading two goats, some chickens nearly smothered in their arms.

Beth gathered the frightened hens into the back of the wagon while her brothers loaded in the bleating goats. Catherine couldn't catch sight of Drew. Where was he? What was he doing? Would he be safe?

Mrs. Wallin had gone to the house and returned to dump an armful of her quilts at Catherine's feet. Handing her husband's daguerreotype to Beth, she climbed up beside Catherine and cried, “Go!”

Still, she couldn't see Drew in the smoke that billowed about the clearing. She had to trust him to make it through, to come back to her. Just as he trusted her to keep his mother and Beth safe.