Authors: Monica Alexander
I nodded, not really surprised to hear that. I’d had a hunch that was what he was going to do when he chased me out of the church. Although I knew he hadn’t done it because of me. There were too many factors pulling him toward that decision, and I might have been one, but I wasn’t the sole reason.
“Is he okay?” I asked, concern for his well-being at the top of my mind.
Brandon leaned back against the door. “Don’t know. I’ve been looking for him for the past hour. John told me Ryan and his mom got into it, and he stormed out. No one knows where he went, but John said Ryan kept
telling their mother that she’d tried to ruin his life.”
I bit my
lip, pretty sure I knew exactly what Ryan and his mom had argued about.
“What?” Brandon asked, eyeing me warily. He knew I knew something.
“Nothing,” I said, avoiding his gaze.
In my peripheral vision, I saw him push off the door and walk
into the room. He sat on the couch and watched me, waiting for me to start talking.
I didn’t look at him. “The whole thing is really messed up, and his parents were pretty much behind it all.”
“What thing?” Brandon asked, as he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees.
“Ryan and me – our history,” I said flatly. “I thought he broke up with me, he thought I had an abortion, but in reality, his parents concocted these fake emails that we thought were from each other in an effort to break us up.
Then I decided to have the baby, and Ryan’ sister found out, and I got a letter saying that he wanted to give up his parental rights, but it turns out he never knew my decision, and his parents forged his signature on the document that gave up his rights. So I had our son, raised him on my own and when he was three, he died of a degenerative heart condition.”
My tone was so flat that I knew I sounded devoid of all emotion, but in that moment, I wasn’t looking for sympathy, I was just sharing facts.
“Please tell me you’re not serious,” Brandon said, and I knew how insane the story sounded. Shit, had it not happened to me, I’d be skeptical as he was if someone told it to me.
“Unfor
tunately, I’m not, and we just figured all of this out two nights ago, so I’m not surprised that Ryan did something drastic. It’s a pretty big blow to have to process something like that, and it still overtakes me sometimes, and I’ve been processing it for six years. I can’t even imagine what he’s feeling.”
“Jesus, Harper. I had no idea.”
I looked at him, and he was watching me with a mixture of awe and pity and despair.
“I don’t tell a lot of people that story. Yo
u’re only the fifth person I’ve shared it with. I’m kind of private like that.”
It was a warning and a plea that he
was not to share my story with anyone else.
He nodded slowly. “You’re also one of the strongest people I know. I mean after all that shit with your mom. Jesus. I can’t even imagine what it was like for you.”
“It was tragic,” I said, summing it up neatly for him, because after six years, it was the only word that truly explained what my life had been like for four years. It was one tragic event after the next that I had no control over. “But I’ve had years to work through the feelings and a therapist who I keep on speed dial just in case. I’ve learned how to not let it overtake me.”
We were silent for a few minutes, and I don’t think Brandon knew what to say.
“Did you call Ryan’s cell?” I asked, no longer wanting to talk about me and my past.
He nodded. “Yeah, it went straight to voicemail.”
I took a deep breath. “He’s probably hiding out somewhere. I assume he wants to be alone. Give him some time.”
Brandon nodded. “I suppose. So do you want to get out of here?”
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
“Great, grab your stuff.”
* * *
Brandon dropped me off at my building when we got back to the city, and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. It was early evening, but I was exhausted
– physically and emotionally.
When I got off the elevator on my floor, I stopped short when I saw someone sitting outside my apartment and knew I’d recognize that blond head anywhere. His head was resting on his knees, but he looked up when he heard me approaching.
He was still dressed in his tux from the wedding.
“Hey,” he croaked out.
“Hi. I was worried about you. Brandon said he tried to call you a bunch of times, but you weren’t answering your cell.”
Ryan ran his hand back through his hair and looked up at me. “I turned it off. I couldn’t really deal with people.”
“How did you get back to the city?”
We’d been his ride out to Monterey, and he was supposed to return with Trish
in their wedding limo, so I knew he didn’t have a car.
“I got a rental car. I just needed to leave, but then I realized when I got back to the city that I couldn’t go to my apartment because I told Trish she could go get her stuff this afternoon, and I know she doesn’t want to see me. I don’t have any friends in the city
who weren’t at the wedding, and frankly I don’t want to have to explain myself to anyone right now.”
I dropped my bag and sat down across the hall from him. “So you came here?”
He nodded. “I was hoping you’d come back tonight, and I was hoping I could maybe stay here.”
I felt my face get hot at his request. “Ryan, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?” he asked, sounding deflated.
“You know why.”
“Is it because I told you I have feelings for you?”
I shrugged, but it was as good as a confirmation.
“I won’t try anything,” he promised. “I just need a place to stay.”
I took a deep breath. I so badly wanted him to come inside and stay forever, but it was so completely the wrong time. He’d just called off his wedding and left his bride practically at the altar. He was nowhere near ready to jump into a relationship, and I was no rebound girl.
“Can’t you go to Brandon’s? He’s headed out to Sonoma for a few days. Or to a hotel?”
He looked up at me in surprise, as if he hadn’t expected me to reject him. And it sort of broke my heart. On one hand I wanted to jump into his arms, but the logical part of my brain kept me safely seated on my side of the hall
way.
“Yeah, I guess I can
check into a hotel, but I sort of thought you had feelings for me too?”
I sucked in a breath. “Ryan, I barely know you. Reconnecting has been great, but we’ve hung out three times. You don’t even know me.”
I was lying, but I didn’t know how else to handle him. I couldn’t come right out and tell him I thought I still loved him.
“I know you,” he insisted. “Trust me, I know you. And you didn’t answer my question.”
He could see right through my evasive tactics.
“Well,
I’m not going to answer it. Just take some time, process what happened today, and in a few weeks, give me a call. Maybe you, me and Brandon can hang out . . . as friends.”
“Friends,” he said flatly.
I took a deep, steadying breath. “That’s all I can give you right now.”
“Right now?” he asked hopefully.
“Right now,” I repeated, not giving him anything else to work with. If he kept pushing, I might cave, and I didn’t want to do that.
Sure, I could sleep with him, but I knew I’d regret it in the morning or in a week. Ryan needed to figure out who he was and who he wanted to be before I’d even entertain a relationship with him – that is if he wanted one once he got himself together. I was pretty sure he was feeling battered and bruised and might not have the same outlook on life once he was himself again.
A lot had changed in eleven years, and we were both different people. Just because we’d been a great couple in high school didn’t mean we’d work as adults.
“So, you need time?” he ventured, and I shook my head.
“Ryan, I need you to take time to figure out what
you
want.”
“I want you,” he said almost instantaneously. “I don’t need time to figure that out. I’ve never stopped wanting you.”
I didn’t respond. I just looked away, not able to stomach the pleading look in his eyes.
“Harper, I’ll give you time
. I’ll give you whatever you want.”
“You will?”
I asked, looking back at him.
I wanted to hug him. He’d been so dependent on relationships for so long that I didn’t think he knew how to be alone. From what Brandon had said, he’d pretty much moved on from his
ex-fiancé to his, well, now ex-fiancé. He didn’t need another girlfriend. He probably needed to be alone and be okay with it.
“Yes,
I’ll give you anything you want.”
“Then, I want you to leave me alone,” I told him, being purposefully tough.
His eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “But this morning when I woke up, your arm was around me.”
I sighed. “Yes, and Brandon’s dick was poking me in
the back. It didn’t mean anything. We all passed out, and I’m kind of a cuddly sleeper. Had Brandon been in front of me, my arm would have been around him, and trust me, I have no sexual feelings for him whatsoever.”
Ryan smirked slightly. “But you have them for me?”
“I didn’t say that.”
His smirk moved to a grin. “You didn’t have to. You might think I don’t know you anymore, that you’re so different from
who you were in high school, but you’re not. I know you better that you think, and I plan to use that to my advantage.”
“Your advantage?”
Shit.
What was he going to do?
“Yeah,” he said smugly, getting to his feet. “I’m going to make you see that you want to be with me, Harper Connelly, because if I’m being honest with myself, you’re the only girl I’ve ever
truly loved. And one day soon, you’re going to tell me you feel the same way about me.”
Jesus.
I had to literally force myself to sit on the floor, not move and not react. Who the hell makes a statement like that? Ryan Carson, that’s who. He’d always had conviction.
Well
I could have conviction too, and I was bound and determined that it wasn’t the right time for us, because the last thing I needed was to get hurt by Ryan Carson for the second time in my life. I’d been there, done that, and it had
sucked
to put it mildly.
This time, if I made the decision to get back together with him, I needed to be damn sure I was protected, because getting hurt
just wasn’t an option for me.
“Just go, Ryan,” I told him, as I stood up.
He stepped in front of me, looking down at me with such tenderness that it made my chest ache. He looked so hopeful, and then his expression got serious.
“I’ll go, but I need to tell you something
first.”
I sighed. What else could he possibly have to tell me?
“What?” I said, probably harsher than I needed to be.
“Shit, I don’t want to tell you this, but you should know. Your mother was involved.”
My eyebrows rose involuntarily. “Come again?”
He ran his hand back through his hair, and I could see how conflicted he was. “My parents paid her money to keep you away from me – and she took it.”
I let out the breath I’d been holding. “That’s why she kicked me out,” I reasoned, and he nodded.
“Yeah, I just thought you needed to know, even though it can’t be easy to hear that, I had to tell you.”
“Thank you,” I said, not even sure what to feel. I’d despised my mother for so long, but I’d still made an effort to have some sort of relationship with her. But now that I knew that she’d sold me out for money, and it made me sick to even think about it. I wish I never would have expelled the effort.
“I’ll leave you alone now,” Ryan said then
, before he leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. Then he started to walk away. He turned around once after he pressed the button for the elevator. “One day soon we’ll be together. You know it, and I know it. Just say the word, and I’m yours.”
I almost instantly wrapped my arms around myself in an effort to remain standing. He’d always had the ability to knock me on my ass with just a few words, but I couldn’t let him know that. I just watched him smile at me once before
he stepped into the elevator, the whole time thinking how much I didn’t want to let him walk away.
Ryan
I rode the elevator down to the parking garage in Harper’s building feeling lighter than I had in years. Sure, she’d rejected me, but she’d done it because she was protecting herself.
That I was damn sure of. She was afraid to get hurt and afraid I wasn’t in the mindset to get involved with her, but she was wrong.