“You think I should beg for donations towards a turbine farm?”
“You could,” she said. “Or you could earn it.”
“Yeah, because I’m rolling in dough from selling photographs.”
“I’ve seen your photos,” she said. “They’re good. I’ve also watched you during your pack duty days. You’re really good with the kids, and you know your stuff. So why not host getaways? You could lead nature trips or nature photography trips. Use them to fund wind turbines or solar panel farms. Or take a job that actually pays something. Your expenses are incredibly low right now, so you could apply most of what you make towards your solar farm fund.”
“But what I do for GreEN is important!”
“What have you accomplished?”
“You don’t respect what I do!”
“I respect what you’re trying to do. But if you think outside the box, I believe you could accomplish more than you have historically.”
I deflated and looked out the window.
“Zoe, you are spending all your time trying to convince other people to do what you think they should. And if you succeeded, that would be fabulous. But instead of trying to get other people to do the right thing, why not lead by example? Instead of expecting other people to put up that solar farm, do it yourself.”
I didn’t say anything. We sat there for a minute before she added, “Just think about it. Mull it over. If you want to talk some more, we can. But I think I’ve said more than you can accept right now. I want to be clear. I respect you. I respect you a great deal. Now, I want you to look at me.”
I turned to face her; I was sure my face was filled with shame, and I knew I was on the edge of tears.
“If you decide to build that solar farm, I’ll help you.”
I didn’t know what to say about that.
“You’re not ready to think about that, but when you are, come see me. All right?”
I nodded.
“I respect
you
, Zoe,” she said. “I respect what you are trying to do. I think trying to get others to do the right thing is a terribly difficult thing, and I believe you could accomplish more, especially with just a little help from the pack.”
“The pack.”
“Yes. The pack, of which you are a valued member.”
I looked away. I might be a member, and maybe Lara said it was more than honorary, but I wasn’t sure whether I believed any of that. “All right,” I said. I looked back at her. “I guess that’s not as bad as it could have been.”
“Maybe after you mull it over, you’ll start to form your own ideas. If you don’t want to talk to me about them, you can talk to Michaela. She loves to talk about this stuff. But she doesn’t have the business acumen you need. Lara and I, on the other hand…” She trailed off. “All right?”
I nodded. “All right.”
“Good.” And at that, she climbed from the vehicle. I hurried to catch up to her.
* * * *
“This table looks familiar.”
“I called before five,” she said.
“You meant that literally, on our first date, when you said this table was reserved.”
“Yes,” she said. “It’s my favorite place in the entire restaurant.”
“And did you warn them your favorite vegan was coming?”
“Not this time.” She smiled. “But have no fear.”
We made small talk for a minute before the waitress arrived. This was a different waitress than last time, and I could tell right away, she was another werewolf.
“Good evening, Ms. Burns,” the woman said.
“Hello, Jodie,” Elisabeth replied. “Ms. Young would like to see the vegan menu, please.”
“Of course,” the waitress said. “One moment.” The woman was gone only seconds before reappearing, sliding a single sheet of thick paper into my hands. “These are the items we guarantee to be vegan. Some of them appear on the main menu, and some are specific to this menu. Do you know what you would care to drink?”
She bustled away a moment later, and I turned to Elisabeth, waving the menu at her. “A vegan menu?”
She grinned. “It is very little trouble to have it available, and perhaps word will get around. I understand some of the choices are quite tasty, if you’re a rabbit.”
I frowned. “I’m not a rabbit, Elisabeth.” I said it sternly.
In response, she held her hands up defensively. “A little joke. Banter. Offense was not intended.”
“I’m not prey,” I added.
“Of course not. You’re right. I won’t say it again.”
I nodded. I shouldn’t have been that touchy. She had arranged the menu for me. So I apologized, then waved the menu. “This was sweet. Thank you.”
I looked through the menu. It wasn’t lengthy, but the choices actually sounded good. It took little time to make my decision. Jodie reappeared with our drinks and a basket of bread she assured me was vegan.
“It seems unlikely you get enough vegans to justify keeping vegan bread. Won’t it grow old?”
“We go through a lot of bread, and people eat this as much as anything else,” she explained. “We serve a few slices of a variety of breads, including this.”
We ordered and then busied ourselves with the bread and refreshments for a minute. Neither of us said anything. I think we both knew there would be a difficult conversation. I didn’t know how it was going to end. I wasn’t sure Elisabeth did, either.
Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore. “What are we doing?”
“Having dinner together.”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” She didn’t say anything. “How embarrassed are you to be with me?”
“What?”
“Come on, Elisabeth. I’m the scaredy-human. Are the other…” I looked around. I thought perhaps we were far enough from the other tables no one would hear me, but I realized I shouldn’t assume. I started over. “Do your friends and family laugh about our relationship?”
“Zoe…”
“Do they?”
“There is some humor about some aspects.”
“Like what a wimp I am?”
“Like, no one understands being vegan. And there has been some conjecture over how a vegan will get along with an… um…”
“Avowed carnivore?”
“Exactly,” she said. “That conjecture grew louder when you left last night while we were hunting. Whether it’s true or not, people asked if you were mad that we went for a hunt.”
“I wasn’t mad,” I said. “But I don’t want to watch, either. Tell me, did you come home with blood on your… um…”
She looked away. “I’m not going to apologize for what I am.”
“I don’t believe I ever asked you to. I haven’t offered one single ounce of criticism over your dining habits. But that doesn’t mean I want to watch when it’s that primal.”
She turned back. “And is that what you would tell a natural wolf pack? That they can’t eat their natural food?”
“I didn’t say you couldn’t eat what you eat. I just said I don’t want to watch. Is it so important to you that I watch?”
“Maybe it’s important to me that you accept what I am.”
“I revel in what you are, Elisabeth.”
“Not all of it.”
I thought about it. “No, I guess not. But when I nearly wet my pants last night, did you revel in that, or were you disgusted?”
“I was disgusted,” she said right away. “But not at you. I was disgusted with myself.”
“Excuse me?”
“You should have won,” she said. “The wager wasn’t whether I could scare you. The wager was whether you could allow Lara and me to jump over you without a poor reaction. Michaela should have declared me forfeit. I’m sorry.”
I stared at her, not sure how to respond. I lowered my eyes. “I’m sorry I thought the worst.”
“Why are you sorry?” she asked. “I portrayed the worst. And in a similar situation in the future, I’ll probably be just as bad.”
“Excuse me?”
“I told you before. I play to win. I’m driven to play to win, and I don’t seem to be able to hold back.”
I looked back up. “Um. Does that trait run in the family?”
“It runs amongst the most dominant members of the family. Lara is as bad as I am.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, then took a big breath and opened them. “What do you want to do?”
She looked away again.
“I know I’m not your dream girl,” I said. “You’re magnificent, Elisabeth. Amazing. Stunning. I don’t have enough adjectives. And you’re dating down.”
“I am not!” she said hotly. But she didn’t look at me.
“Look me in the eye and tell me I’m your equal.”
She turned to face me. “Zoe…”
“If you can’t do that, then tell me I’m Michaela’s equal.”
“Zoe,” she said, making it a whine.
“I’ve seen the way you look at her, Elisabeth,” I said. Her eyes widened, and I went on. “You want what your sister has. You want someone who measures up as highly as Michaela does. And we both know that’s not me. It will never be me. I’ll never run with you, not really. I’ll certainly never hunt with you. Everything we ever do, you’ll have to carry me. I’ll be your albatross, and the entire time, you’ll see your sister and sister-in-law, and you’ll grow to resent me.”
“Zoe…” it was another whine.
“Am I wrong?” I asked. “Tell me I’m wrong.” I looked at my hands. “Tell me you didn’t come here to break up with me.”
“I didn’t!” she said sternly. “I-”
Neither of us said anything for a while. The tension between us grew, and Jodie walked into it bringing our food. She set everything down quietly, asked us if we needed anything, and beat a hasty retreat.
I’d lost my appetite and ended up picking at my food, eating slowly. Elisabeth didn’t eat with her usual gusto, either. We ate silently for a while until I was just pushing my food around the plate, and Elisabeth was staring into space.
Jodie stopped back. Elisabeth asked her to box up what was left.
“Was everything okay?”
“It was fine,” Elisabeth assured her. “It’s just been a stressful week.”
Five minutes later, we were back in her car. Neither of us said a word until we pulled up in front of my apartment building. She got out of the car with me.
“You don’t have to see me in,” I said. “I know the way.”
“I’m coming in,” she replied.
“I don’t recall inviting you.”
“I’m coming in anyway,” she said. I stared at her for a moment before nodding.
Even as upset as we both were, she still put a hand on my back. It felt good, and I was going to miss it. Inside, I was dead. She was the most amazing woman I’d ever dated, and I was losing her before I really had her.
Inside, I busied myself putting my leftovers away. Elisabeth waited for me in the living room. When I finally appeared, she turned to me and pulled me into her arms.
“What are you doing?”
She tried to kiss me. I fended her off. “If you think you’re going to fix this with a booty call, you’re crazy.”
She didn’t release me right away. “You have to admit the sex is pretty damned good.”
“Yeah,” I said. “When you have time for me.”
“Is that what this is about?” she asked hotly. “As I recall, you’re the one who ran yesterday, and you’re the one who said we should go slowly.”
I pushed away from her, and she let me go, turning my back on her. “Tell me I was wrong earlier. Tell me you’re not dating down. Tell me you’re falling in love with me. Tell me you can’t envision a life without me.”
“Zoe…” she put her hands on my shoulders, but I pulled away and turned around to face her.
“You can’t say any of those, can you?” I said. “Not a single one.”
She huffed. “No. We just need more time.”
“More time for what?” I asked. “I’m not going to fit in any more than I already do. I don’t belong there.”
“You’re wrong about that. Everyone likes you. Everyone wants you there. That’s all you need to fit in. You should stop trying so hard to be a wolf and just be a human.”
“I wasn’t trying to be a wolf, Elisabeth. I was trying to be what you wanted.”
She stared.
“Elisabeth, I would do a great deal to be with you. I would put up with your job. I would ignore, more or less, your diet. I could live with knowing I wasn’t remotely your equal-”
“Zoe…”
“But there are a few things I won’t compromise about. I won’t be in a relationship unless I am both loved and respected.”
“I respect you!”
“Oh please,” I said.
“I do. You’re… um…”
“Pretty good for a human?”
“Yes, exactly!”
“For a human. Doesn’t that tell us everything we need to know?”
She huffed her displeasure. “Sit.” She pointed. “You’ve had your say, now I am having mine.”
I stared at her for a moment then moved to the sofa and sat down. She planted herself on the coffee table, facing me.
“You said last night neither of us was fully equipped to truly understand the other one.”