With Autumn's Return (Westward Winds Book #3): A Novel (30 page)

She had returned from the Seaman ranch, intending to climb into bed as soon as supper was finished, but while she was eating, Kevin Granger’s hired man had knocked on the door. It seemed that all three girls were ill, and Kevin was at his wit’s end. And so Elizabeth found herself in the Granger girls’ bedrooms, trying to determine what ailed them. She felt heads, peered at throats, listened to heartbeats, and when she was done, her diagnosis was nothing more than three upset stomachs.

“Have they eaten anything unusual recently?” Leaving the girls alone for a moment, Elizabeth returned to the kitchen to question the young rancher, who was trying to be both father and mother to his daughters.

He shook his head. “Nothing. In fact, they ate less than normal at dinner today. They said they weren’t hungry. That was part of what worried me. My girls are always hungry, and then when they started clutching their stomachs and vomiting . . . Well, Doctor, I don’t mind telling you, I was mighty concerned.” Kevin was silent for a moment, think
ing. “It makes no sense, unless . . .” He opened a cupboard door and frowned. “That’s it. I didn’t think they saw me put it there, but it’s gone.”

“What’s gone?” He wasn’t making a lot of sense.

“The candy. I bought a bag of candy. It was supposed to be a treat for them, but it looks as if they ate it all.”

Elizabeth knew better than to laugh, even though the girls’ gluttony was a simpler problem to cure than an infectious disease. “Do you think Rebecca and Rachel gave the baby some too?” she asked.

Kevin nodded. “I’d be surprised if they didn’t. Ruby is starting to eat solid food, and she tries to imitate the others whenever she can.”

“Then I think it’s safe to say there’s nothing more wrong with them than too much candy.”

“I’m sorry to have called you all the way out here for that.”

Elizabeth gave him a smile. “I’m glad you did. At least now we know what caused the problem, and I’ve had a chance to meet your daughters. If something more serious happens, I won’t be a stranger to them.”

His relief evident in the color that had returned to his face, Kevin nodded. “How much longer will they be sick?”

“The discomfort will take another few hours to subside,” Elizabeth told him. “If you like, I can stay until they’re all sleeping again.”

The man’s grateful expression told her he would not argue, and so Elizabeth gathered baby Ruby into her arms, intending to rock her until she fell asleep, while Kevin headed to the girls’ room to read bedtime stories to the older two.

Pacing slowly from one side of the kitchen to the other, Elizabeth crooned to the baby. “You’ll be all right, sweetie,”
she murmured. And so would Elizabeth, once she got some sleep. She shouldn’t complain, and she wasn’t, for this was what she wanted to be doing. From the beginning Elizabeth had known that her schedule would be unpredictable and that her patients’ well-being came before everything else. Perhaps it was only because she was so tired that her thoughts veered into a different direction, but as she cradled Ruby in her arms, a desperate longing to have a child of her own lodged itself deep inside her.

Was it possible? When she’d told her parents of her intention to become a physician, they’d warned her that pursuing her dream would exact a high price and that she might never have what other women would consider a normal life. They had asked whether Elizabeth was willing to forgo having a husband and children of her own. At the time, she hadn’t believed it would matter. She had believed that being a doctor would be her whole life. Now she wasn’t so certain. Now she wondered whether there might be more to her life than simply healing others.

If only there were someone she could ask, but no one—not even her sisters—had been in this situation. Abigail had given up teaching when she married Ethan, and there’d been no question of Charlotte’s continuing to make dresses once she became Mrs. Barrett Landry. It was true that Charlotte was going to open a school for special children, but that was different. Barrett had been part of the plan from the beginning, and they’d both agreed it was the best way to give Charlotte’s son a close-to-normal future. For her part, Elizabeth had gone to medical school, intending to be a physician for the rest of her life.

Would she feel different if she had a child of her own?
Would healing others become less important? Elizabeth didn’t know. All she knew was that there was a void deep inside her begging to be filled.

Help me, Lord
, she prayed as she stroked Ruby’s head.
Show me your plan
.

She was the stupidest woman ever born. Gwen felt the tears begin to trickle down her cheeks. Soon they’d become a torrent. It had happened each night since Elizabeth had told her how dangerous the tonic was, but for some reason tonight was the worst. Perhaps it was because Elizabeth was on a house call and Rose had fallen asleep sooner than normal, leaving Gwen alone with her thoughts. Though those thoughts circled like a swarm of angry wasps, they centered on one thing: her stupidity. How could she have been so dumb? She had thought only of herself, never considering that the medicine that promised almost miraculous results might have harmed her, might even have killed her. If she’d died, Rose would have been alone. Her poor baby would have been an orphan, all because Gwen had been stupid.

She pressed her fist to her lips, trying to contain the sobs, but it was to no avail. Her sobs turned into wails as she berated herself for her mistakes. Gwen leaned against the wall that separated her apartment from Harrison’s as she looked down at her sleeping child. Rose was the most important part of her life. She’d known that, but still she’d jeopardized her daughter’s happiness. Stupid!

Tears bathed Gwen’s face as she tried to control her sobs. She couldn’t waken Rose. Her darling wouldn’t understand why Mama was crying. She shouldn’t even be in this room,
and yet she found herself unable to move, unable to take her eyes from her daughter. Precious Rose.

As if from a distance, Gwen heard the sound of a door banging against the frame, followed by heavy footsteps.

“Gwen! Where are you, Gwen? What’s wrong? Is Rose ill?” Harrison barged into the bedroom, stopping short when the light from the kerosene lamp illuminated Gwen’s face.

She cringed. She hadn’t thought the day could get worse, but it had. Now Harrison would know how stupid she’d been.

“Rose is fine, but I don’t want to waken her.” Thanks to all the tears she’d shed, Gwen’s voice was barely recognizable. “Let’s go into the kitchen.” When she started to move, her legs began to buckle. Almost as if he’d anticipated that, Harrison crossed the room in three swift strides and wrapped his arm around her waist, steadying her. It was the first time he’d touched her like that, and though Gwen knew he meant to provide nothing more than support, the warmth and strength of his arm was comforting, helping to dispel the anguish that had filled her heart. She leaned on him as they walked the short distance through the parlor to the kitchen, and with each step Gwen felt her heart lighten. For the moment, instead of being alone, she was with the man she loved so dearly.

“What’s wrong?” Harrison asked again after he’d pulled out a chair and seated her at the table, treating her like a piece of fragile crystal rather than the lump of lard she knew herself to be. “Don’t try to say there’s nothing wrong. I heard you crying.”

That explained why he had come. When she’d succumbed to her misery, Gwen hadn’t considered that Harrison might be in his bedchamber this early and that he might hear her. Another stupid mistake. She covered her face with her hands.
She couldn’t admit her stupidity. She couldn’t. And yet she needed to. Deep inside, Gwen knew that she owed Harrison an explanation. He’d cared enough to come here to learn what was wrong, and he’d tried to comfort her. He deserved the truth, even though it would reveal her foolishness. Resolutely, she lowered her hands and turned to face him.

Harrison had taken the chair next to her but hadn’t slid it under the table. Instead, he’d angled it so he could see her without twisting. His blue eyes were solemn, but there was no sign of condemnation. There would be, once he learned what Gwen had done.

“Oh, Harrison, I’m so ashamed. You’ll despise me when you learn how foolish I’ve been.” And that hurt more than anything except the knowledge that Rose might have suffered from her stupidity.

Harrison shook his head. “I doubt that. You’re a good woman, Gwen Amos. Whatever you think you’ve done can’t be as bad as you’re imagining.”

He was wrong. “You’ve never been as weak as I am. You’ve never risked your child’s future.”

Harrison shook his head again. “You’re speaking nonsense. I know you. You would never hurt Rose.”

“But I almost did. I drank bottle after bottle of a tonic that Elizabeth says could have killed me.”

“What tonic?” For the first time, Gwen thought she heard censure in his voice. It was as she had feared. He would scorn her once he learned the truth.

“Lady Meecham’s Celebrated Vegetable Compound.”

His eyes bright with recognition, Harrison leaned forward, narrowing the space between them. “A traveling peddler tried to get my parents to stock that in their store. He claimed
Lady Meecham was a genuine English lady, married to some hobnobbing member of high society. Pa didn’t believe that. Turns out there is no such person as Lady Meecham. The person responsible for the stuff is a former farmer from Virginia who saw a quick way to get rich. As for the stuff inside those pretty bottles, the so-called vegetable compound is nothing more than a few drops of carrot juice mixed with distilled alcohol.”

Harrison’s explanation only deepened Gwen’s shame. She’d considered buying Lydia Pinkham’s compound but had been impressed with the idea of having a tonic an English lady had developed. What a fool she’d been!

“So, why did you drink it?” Harrison wasn’t going to stop until he’d uncovered the full extent of her shame.

Gwen took a deep breath, wishing she were somewhere—anywhere—else. And yet that wasn’t completely true, for it had felt so good having Harrison’s arm around her waist, and the concern that she saw reflected from his eyes ignited the hope that he might not laugh when he heard the reasons for her foolishness.

“Why? Because I’m fat and ugly and stupid and no one would ever love me the way I was. Mike was the only man who could love me, and he’s gone.” She hadn’t intended to admit all that, but when she’d opened her mouth, planning to say nothing more than, “I wanted to be thin,” the words had come out faster than a mountain waterfall in spring.

Harrison reached forward and took her hands in his. For a second, he said nothing, merely stared at her with an expression so intense that it made her wonder what he could possibly be thinking. He didn’t look as if he disapproved. To the contrary, it almost seemed as if he wanted to smile at
her. But he couldn’t. No one could smile once he’d learned what she’d done.

“You’re wrong, Gwen. Someone could love you. Someone
does
love you. I do.”

He was being kind. That was Harrison, a kind man. “You don’t have to say that just because you know I’m upset.”

“It’s the truth.” Harrison tightened the grip on her hands and looked into her eyes. Gwen saw nothing but sincerity there, and it made her breath catch. “I think I fell in love with you when I was here last year.” His lips curved into a sweet smile. “You believe you were foolish. I should win an award for stupidity, because I didn’t recognize my feelings as love. I wasn’t sure why I felt the way I did, but I knew one thing for certain: I was destined to remain a bachelor.” Harrison chuckled. “Boy, was I stupid. All I could think about was you. I knew someone was courting you, and I couldn’t stop myself from wishing I was that man.”

Gwen’s eyes widened at the notion that this wonderful man loved her. She couldn’t claim that she’d spent months thinking about Harrison while he was gone. The truth was, after the man she believed loved her proved to be untrustworthy, she hadn’t thought about any man, at least not in a romantic sense. She’d been so convinced that she was unworthy of love that she’d deliberately blocked all thoughts of love and marriage. But then Harrison had returned, and everything had changed.

Harrison smiled, as if he’d read her thoughts. “When Barrett asked me to come back to supervise the building, I thought it would give me a chance to get over my infatuation, and so I jumped at the opportunity. But I was wrong. When I got here, I realized that what I felt for you wasn’t infatuation. It was love, and it grew each time I saw you.”

Just as her feelings for him had grown with each hour that they spent together. Gwen had long since admitted to herself that she loved Harrison. That was the reason she’d drunk all those bottles of Lady Meecham’s vile compound: she’d wanted to be beautiful for him, or if not beautiful, at least less ugly.

“Are you sure?” Though every fiber of her being wanted to, she still could not quite believe that Harrison loved her.

He nodded and tightened the grip on her hands. “I’m more certain of this than anything I’ve felt in my thirty-six years. I love you, Gwen. I want to marry you and be a father to Rose. And, if we’re blessed, I want us to have other children—half a dozen or so.”