Wish Upon a Christmas Cake (9 page)

The air was positively freezing and the tip of my nose was numb already. I pulled my coat together over my chest and tried to do up the buttons but fumbled in vain through my woolly gloves.

‘Hey, let me help you with that,’ Sam said, taking hold of my coat. He did the buttons up carefully, starting at the bottom and working his way up to my neck. It was innocent enough, I guess, but there was something so incredibly intimate about it. I mean, when does someone else ever button up your coat for you? Your mum or teacher when you’re a kid, but I’m thirty-two. It’d been a long time since someone did that for me and it was agonising ecstasy as I waited for him to finish. When my coat was fully fastened, I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding and Sam stared into my eyes. ‘You all right Katie?’

He was close, so close that I could’ve taken half a step forwards and leant against him, rested my forehead on that giant chest in its fleecy surfer-make hoody and breathed him in.

‘Yeah,’ I squeaked.

‘Good. I didn’t want you to be cold. I want you to have a good time today.’

He wanted
me
to have a good time? ‘Why’d you say that, Sam?’

He hung his head.

‘There must be a reason. Has Karl said something?’ Dammit Karl. What have you done now?

‘I don’t want to lie to you. I think too much of you for that. I always did.’ He met my eyes again. His pupils dilated and I saw my distorted reflection in them. My face appeared moonlike, unreal, like looking at myself in the back of a spoon. I took a step backwards, keen to stop seeing myself like that. ‘Katie…uh…Karl said that you’ve been down. That you had a bad time with some Harrison bloke.’

Bit misleading there eh, Karl?

‘I’m fine.’ I waved my hand. ‘You know me. Always bouncing back.’ I gave a little bounce to emphasise my point.

‘I used to know you. But we were just like kids weren’t we, Katie? So much changes between twenty and thirty. But you’re all grown up now.’ The way he said
grown up
made my heart beat faster, as if it was a compliment.

‘So are you.’ I held his gaze. ‘It’s really good to see you, Sam.’

‘It’s
always
good to see you, Katie.’ He grinned, flashing me his perfectly white teeth. ‘So…anyway…are you okay?’

I nodded. I wasn’t exactly going to rant on about Harrison to a man who’d lost his wife, was I? How selfish and self-absorbed would that make me? Besides, I kind of didn’t want to spoil the moment and my time with Harrison seemed so inconsequential now that I was with Sam again. Almost as if the past nine years had never happened.

‘I’m fine, Sam. I was in a relationship that didn’t work out. It’s fine. Over a long time now. I’m fine.’
Stop saying fine!

‘Anytime you want to talk about it, I’m here.’ He tilted his head and smiled so sweetly that I wanted to jump into his arms right there and then and wrap my legs around his waist. But that would be inappropriate and impulsive.

‘Come on then.’ Sam took my hand and I had to swallow a gasp of delight. ‘Let’s find a tree.’

He’s holding my hand. But he’s just a friend. Find a tree…focus on trees…green pine, hand-holding trees. Focus on the trees, Katie!

And not on the way that his heat was seeping through his glove and into mine, making my hand feel warmer than it had done in what felt like a lifetime, almost as if it were attached to a line that led straight to my heart.

***

We’d wandered around the tree lot six times and still hadn’t chosen a winner. I was getting cold and my back was starting to ache from standing. There wasn’t even much difference between the remaining trees but it was important to me that we picked the right one.

‘They’re all green and prickly, Katie,’ Sam said. ‘What’s the problem?’

He was still holding my hand and I kept looking at how well mine fit into his, which wasn’t helping me focus.

‘I just want it to be perfect for you, Jack and Holly.’

‘It will be perfect, Katie. I have no doubt about it. Just being with you and your family. It will be, I’m sure of it.’ He gazed off into the distance.

Oh no. Was he going to get upset? Was he thinking about his wife? ‘Sam, are you all right?’

He shrugged. ‘I feel guilty about leaving Jack and Holly behind today. It’s Christmas Eve, I should be with them.’

My stomach lurched. I should have been more sensitive. ‘I’m sure they’re having a great time with Esther and we won’t be long anyway.’

‘It’s just been so hard and this is their first Christmas without their mother.’ A muscle twitched in his jaw and my heart ached for him.

‘Do you want me to ring Karl and tell him we should go back now?’

He paused for a moment, then shook his head. ‘No. That wouldn’t be fair on Karl and Angelo…or you for that matter. Besides, if we go back without a tree, Holly will never forgive me.’

I watched him, not sure what to say or do. How did you help someone who’s lost their partner? I longed to help him in that moment, to make it all better but I felt powerless.

‘Come on! Holly’s a tough critic at times so we need to find the best tree we can.’

‘Yes! Immediately!’ I said, keen to distract him. I scanned the trees quickly, no longer being so fussy. They were all pretty much the same anyway. ‘What about this one?’

‘Looks good to me.’ Was that relief in his voice?

I ran my free hand over the branches, inhaling the fresh Christmassy scent that disturbing the needles released. It brought back a host of childhood memories and a whole heap of excitement. ‘Tell you what. Let’s pay for it, then come pick it up once we’ve taken a look around town.’

‘Shall we grab something to eat in that Christmas market? I’m suddenly starving,’ Sam said.

‘Great idea.’ I paid for the tree and wrote my name and number on a reservation ticket, then Sam and I made our way towards the shops.

We strolled along the festively decorated High Street, gazing at the busy stalls with their colourful wares on display. Each stall was like a small open shed decked with traditional garlands made of holly and ivy and featuring a silver star just over the entrance. Inside the first one there was an array of beautiful handmade silver jewellery that we stopped to look at. I couldn’t help admiring the amber necklaces and bracelets and the various dragonfly pendants. The next stall sold knitwear and I laughed as Sam tried on a variety of knitted hats before settling upon a blue and green striped beanie that made him look like a surfer type. We stopped at a few more stalls as we walked along but I held tightly onto Sam’s hand the whole time. If I tried really hard, I could imagine that the past decade had never happened and that we still had a future ahead of us, that our tiny secret was safe inside me and that our future was bright.

We weaved through the crowds, avoiding the throng of bodies as last-minute shoppers collided or jabbed with their elbows in their hurry to purchase gifts for friends and loved ones. Sam had let go of my hand but now kept an arm around my waist, guiding me though the Christmas throngs. His presence made me feel safe, protected and cared about. Just like old times. Images of leaning against him as he browsed through racks of CDs in music shops and kissed the top of my head flashed through my mind; memories long since buried now forced their way to the surface and made me feel things I hadn’t felt in years. How could I have suppressed so much for so long? It was like I’d removed a stopper yesterday on seeing Sam and the contents of my past were leaking out.

Sam stopped by a food stall and I inhaled the delicious syrupy aroma of freshly made crêpes. He raised his eyebrows and I nodded. We waited in the queue, content to watch the heads and backs of those in front of us. He kept his arm around me and I felt that I could have stood there all day just being with him; that being with him would be enough for me, even if it meant standing in an eternal queue. Had I made a huge mistake letting him go nearly a decade ago?

‘What filling do you want, Katie?’

I eyed the menu. There was nothing for me to debate. ‘Chocolate, please.’

Sam ordered, then handed mine over, wrapped in a festive serviette. ‘Be careful…it’s hot.’

I nodded but the crepe was already on its way to my eager mouth. It was hotter than the sun and I opened my mouth and fanned my burnt tongue furiously.

‘Told you!’ Sam’s eyes widened. ‘Spit it out!’

I shook my head. Katie Warham did not spit out perfectly good food, however hot it might be. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I moved the scalding crêpe around my mouth with my tongue. Once it had finally cooled, I chewed and swallowed.

‘Ouch. That was
really
hot.’ Sam’s eyes sparkled and I realised that he had been holding back his laughter.

‘I bet that was an unpleasant display to witness, wasn’t it?’ I pouted.

‘No, Katie. It was just typical of you.’

‘What do you mean? Always too keen to stuff my face?’

‘No, Katie.’ He reached out and wiped my cheek with a thumb. My heart leapt. ‘You had a…a tear there. I meant that you’re funny. You’ve always been funny.’

I chewed on the rest of my crêpe as my stomach dropped to my boots. Funny? Who wanted to be funny? Like any woman, I’d like to be viewed as beautiful, glamorous and effortlessly adorable. But funny?

‘Oh.’ I threw my serviette into a nearby bin. ‘Well I’m glad I amuse you.’

Sam wiped his huge hands on his serviette then binned it. ‘Only in a good way, Katie. You always did. As a kid, you were funny too. Witty. Bubbly. And now you’re cheering me up. It’s good being with you again. I’ve missed this.’

I smiled. I was making him feel good. Well that was better than funny-ha-ha, wasn’t it? And I wanted Sam to have a good Christmas. So I was obviously doing something right.

‘Come on!’ I grabbed his hand. ‘I’ll buy you a mulled wine.’

We cradled cups of steaming spiced glühwein and edged away from the crowds to a quieter spot in front of a very old-looking tavern. Sam read the metal-plated sign on the front. ‘Do you know this pub has been here since the thirteenth century? I’ve been to Tonbridge before but never read that sign. Just think of the things that the place has seen. The people!’ He gazed at the white façade of the building with its enormous vertical black timbers supported by diagonal ones. It had high chimneys and matching dormer windows at both ends and the roof appeared to be covered with very old higgledy-piggledy brown tiles.

‘I’d forgotten what a history buff you were.’

‘It makes me realise how insignificant we are when I see something like that. As if all the pain and suffering isn’t that important in the grander scheme of things. It’s a weird sort of comfort.’

‘The insignificance of mortality?’

He nodded.

I sipped my wine, resting it on my tender tongue in the hope that it would exert some of its anaesthetic properties and shivered as the warm cinnamon liquid slid down my throat and heated me from the inside. This was just too perfect. Here I was on Christmas Eve, enjoying festive food and drink with an absolute hunk of a man when I’d thought I’d be alone, stranded with my crazy family and crying into a martini over the fact that I was single for the holidays. I just had to tell Ann! I’d texted her when I’d arrived and given her the briefest of details but not really said much about Sam. What would she say? What was there to say? He was an old friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

But so much more.

Ann would probably tell me to calm down and behave myself. She was always the voice of reason:
Don’t rush into anything. Make sure I know where you are. Don’t drink too much. Don’t get carried away, Katie, you know how you get when you want things to go well.
Funny how we know exactly what our loved ones will say. And in a way, I didn’t want to hear it. I knew that there was nothing between Sam and me any more, not really, other than circumstances that had thrown us together. That was all this was. But I was going to enjoy it. Why not? So I would text Ann later, but I wouldn’t let on about Sam. Besides, I was hoping to hear some good news tomorrow about what she’d had in her Christmas stocking, so I wouldn’t want to seem like I was trying to steal her thunder.

Once we’d finished our drinks, we walked for a bit in companionable silence. It was blissful. The Salvation Army were gathered outside one of the banks, their black uniforms brightened up with gold tinsel, and they played all the regular carols. My skin tingled with the remembered anticipation of childhood. You just couldn’t beat that feeling. As ‘Silent Night’ rang out, I hugged myself with the pure joy of the moment.

‘You want to go ask Santa for anything?’ Sam’s chocolate-brown eyes crinkled at the corners. I followed his pointing finger to a queue of parents and their noisy excitable offspring. The queue snaked around the back of some stalls to a large red tent labelled
Santa’s Grotto
.

‘I think I might be a bit old to sit on Santa’s knee, don’t you?’

‘You’re never too old to ask for what you really want for Christmas, Katie.’ Sam stared into my eyes and my heart skipped a beat.
If only.
‘Stop teasing me.’ I giggled and pushed him, then realised I’d just acted like a flirty teenager.

I reached into my bag and pulled out my purse. ‘Here.’ I handed him a few coins. ‘Go give that to the nice Salvation Army lady.’

‘Yes, boss!’ Sam saluted me, then did as I’d asked. The white-haired woman in her black hat and jacket combo smiled warmly at Sam and wished him a merry Christmas.

‘Right, I really need to pick up a few last-minute gifts.’ I chewed my lip. I didn’t want to leave Sam’s side for a second but how could I get his gift if he was with me? I needed to get something for Jack and Holly too. ‘What do Jack and Holly like?’

‘You don’t need to get them anything, Katie. Believe me, they’ll have plenty. I brought all their gifts in two suitcases – I had to hide them in the boot – and they also have gifts from my parents. We’ll go round to Maria’s parents’ house in January as they spend Christmas in west Wales every year with their extended family. They have other grandchildren living there. They needed to get away desperately this year…’