Winter's Kiss (25 page)

Don’t get me wrong. Cam was a great guy. Everybody said so, from Allie and Nick to my parents to the little old ladies whose groceries Cam helped bring in every weekend. Yeah, he was that nice.

And maybe that was part of the problem. I wasn’t one to psychoanalyze myself or anything, but I couldn’t help wondering if there was something missing between me and Cam. I guess those thoughts might have started when Nick got together with Rachel. From the beginning the two of them couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They were always hugging or kissing or just walking along all intertwined. Once I noticed that, I started noticing that a lot of other couples were the same way. Touchy-feely. Staring into each other’s eyes. That sort of thing.

Cam and I weren’t like that. I wasn’t sure we’d ever been like that. Did that mean we were missing something? Or had our relationship run its course? Had we grown apart without really noticing? Were we just stuck now in a state of stasis? My scientific mind was pretty sure it had a strong hypothesis about that, and it was getting harder to ignore the evidence.

Allie was staring at me. She’d even forgotten to keep up her seat dancing.

“You realize you’re nuts, right?” she said. “Cam is
such
an amazing guy. One of a kind. And you two are perfect together.” She shook her head so vigorously that a strand of hair came loose from her tiny ponytail. “All this crazy talk about breaking up is probably just fear of success or something.” Her eyes lit up. “Hey, I like that! I could call it the Scared to Splitsville Theory.”

I rolled my eyes. “Please,” I said. “Since when do I have a fear of success? I
love
success. I embrace it. I seek it out and coddle it and call it pet names.”

“I’m not talking about school and stuff.” The song on the car radio changed, and Allie suddenly seemed to remember her dancing. She started bouncing in time to the beat again while she talked. “Everybody has some kind of fear of success. Maybe yours has to do with love. Like, you didn’t choose Cam through some scientific theorem, so you’re not convinced that your relationship should work as well as it does, and now you’re trying to sabotage it to prove yourself right. Ooh!” She looked even more excited; she always gets that way when she thinks she’s figured someone out. Usually me. “That totally makes sense. You’re used to always being right—you know, with the good grades and stuff—and so this has been eating you up inside and made you
want
to be wrong this time.”

Before I could point out all the flaws in that reasoning, Bruce Janssen came loping over to us. Bruce was one of Cam’s best guy friends, though I wasn’t sure why, since he was pretty much Cam’s opposite in every way. He was the type of guy who thinks other people are truly impressed that he can fart the first two bars of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” He was probably planning to put that on his college applications.

He skidded to a stop in front of us. “Hey, Michaels,” he greeted me.

I automatically drew in my legs as his pale-green eyes slid down them. Bracing myself, I waited for his sleazy compliment of the day. What would it be this time? Maybe how he’d dreamed about my legs last night. Or how just once before he died he wanted to know how it felt to bury his hands in my wild, luxurious hair. Even Cam had rolled his eyes the first time Bruce came out with that one. Then again, maybe he’d just call me “Sexy Lexi” and try to grope me—after all, everyone loves a classic.

However, this time Bruce turned toward Allie. “Lookin’ good, Lin,” he said, tossing his too-long blond hair out of his eyes. “Wanna dance?”

“Sure!” Allie bounced out of her seat.

I hid a smile. It was obvious that Allie was so excited that her Crazy Legs Theory had finally worked, she’d forgotten all about another of her favorite theories: the Never Dance with Losers Theory.

I watched as she and Bruce made their way over to a smooth spot on the beach where a few other couples were dancing. Allie immediately went from slapping mosquitoes to slapping Bruce’s hands away from everywhere they weren’t supposed to be.

Just then I saw Cam coming toward me. I guess he’d finally noticed the romantic mood. Or maybe he’d just seen me sitting alone and his Mr. Nice Guy side had kicked in automatically.

“Hey,” he said, sitting down on the log beside me.

“Hey back,” I replied, taking in that familiar sweet, handsome, square-jawed face, and his kind eyes and broad shoulders. Maybe Allie was right. Maybe I was silly to question being with a guy like that. I put my hand on his knee and squeezed, figuring a little romantic moment of our own might help chase the anxious thoughts away. “Having a nice time tonight?”

“Sure.” Cam smiled, but he looked kind of distracted. He glanced around. “Hey, did you meet that guy Mike from Dornerville? Tall guy in the red T-shirt? I was talking to him a few minutes ago, and it turns out his mom works at the financial aid office at the campus over there. He thinks she can put in a word for me. Nice of him, huh?”

That brought me back to earth with a thud. Cam wasn’t really the ambitious type. He seemed perfectly content to attend the nearest state university satellite campus to study culinary arts and business. He expected to use that education to get a job as an assistant chef somewhere, with the idea of someday opening his own restaurant right there in Claus Lake. We didn’t talk about it much, but I hadn’t been able to miss the fact that those plans didn’t mesh too well with my own big-career, big-city dreams.

Cam finally seemed to notice my hand on his knee. He covered it with his own hand, rubbing my palm with his thumb.

“But listen,” he said softly, wrapping his free arm around me and pulling me closer, “why worry about school on our last night of freedom, right?”

I did my best to push aside my worries once again. The future wasn’t here yet. Maybe I could wait one more night to worry about it.

“Uh-huh.” I turned and swung my legs over his lap, then leaned closer. My shoulder fit into the crook of his arm in its usual familiar way, and I could smell mint on his breath as his lips found mine.

The sound of squealing tires interrupted our kiss. I pulled back and glanced over Cam’s shoulder toward the parking lot.

“Hey,” I said in surprise, recognizing the car that had just peeled in and screeched to a zigzaggy stop across a couple of empty spaces. “Looks like Nick came after all.”

That was unexpected. My cousin’s girlfriend was a year older than the rest of us, and she was leaving for the University of Michigan the next day. Nick had spent the whole past week planning a big, romantic night that was supposed to tide them over until the first weekend visit.

But now here he was, climbing out of his car with his sandy hair standing on end and his polo shirt askew. Even in the dim light of the crescent moon and the fading bonfire, I could tell from his face that something was wrong.

Cam had turned to look by now too. “Whoa, he looks upset.” Gently shoving me off his lap, he stood up and hurried toward Nick.

I was right behind him. When we reached Nick, I could see he was even worse off than I’d thought. He was practically hyperventilating—very un-Nick-like. Normally Nick is the type of guy who would smile in front of a firing squad and ask for a cigarette. And he doesn’t even smoke. I’d known him since birth—we’d grown up next door to each other, more like sister and brother than cousins—and I’d never seen him lose his cool like this.

“Lex,” he choked out. “Cam.”

“What is it?” I grabbed his arm, resisting the urge to shake him. “Is someone hurt? Is it Mom or Dad? Or
your
mom or dad? What?
Who?
”

Nick waved his hand around vaguely. “No. No. Nothing like that. Everyone’s fine.”

“Then what?” I demanded.

“Lexi …,” Cam murmured soothingly.

Nick shook his head. “No,” he croaked. “It’s just … just … just Rachel.”

Cam and I traded a confused look. “What do you mean, buddy?” Cam asked gently. “What about Rachel? Is she okay?”

Nick squeezed his eyes shut for a second, then opened them and stared at us bleakly. “She dumped me,” he said hoarsely. “Just now. Said she—um, she didn’t want to see me tied down when she was off, you know, living her new life in college.”

Cam probably said all the right things after that—he usually does—but I was so shocked that I couldn’t react at first. Nick and Rachel had seemed like the perfect couple from day one. I’d thought those two would be together forever.
Everyone
had thought that. Well, everyone but Rachel, apparently.

So what did “together forever” really mean, anyway?

two

“Actuate,” Allie said. “Definition, please. I’ll give you a hint—it’s a verb.”

I took a sip of my strawberry milk shake, then drummed my fingers on the paper place mat in front of me. “Actuate,” I said. “To move or incite into action.”

“Very good. Now use it in a sentence.”

I glanced around the crowded Elf Street Diner for inspiration. “Um, I need to actuate myself into deciding what to do about me and Cam.”

Allie had just popped a french fry into her mouth. She frowned, then quickly chewed and swallowed. “Very funny,” she said. “You’re not still thinking about that, are you? I figured that was just end-of-summer doldrums or something.”

It had been a little over a week since the bonfire, and Allie and I had been way too busy since then to sit around discussing my relationship. School had started, and the teachers seemed determined to head off any early bouts of Senioritis by assigning boatloads of homework. On top of that, my mom and aunt were both on the committee for the Christmas Eve Costume Ball again this year, which meant that Nick and I, plus all our friends, were automatically drafted into service as well. Joy to the world.

“I don’t know,” I told Allie with a sigh. “I keep trying to look at it logically, you know?”

Allie shoved away her list of SAT vocabulary words, almost pushing it into the water ring her soda glass had left behind on the table. “Okay,” she said. “If you want to get all science-nerdy about this and do the whole pro-con thing, think about it this way. Isn’t it nice not having to worry about who you’re going with to the homecoming dance? Or the Ball? Or the prom?”

“No argument there,” I admitted. “It’s definitely easier not having to worry about those things. Especially since Cam is still always fun to hang out with. No complaints there.” I shrugged and played with my straw. “But is that enough reason to stay with someone? Is it fair to either of us?”

“Of course it is!” Allie exclaimed. “You guys care about each other. That’s all that matters. Love conquers all, right?”

“Does it?” I leaned forward, gazing at her across the table. “Seriously, Allie, think about it. After this year, I’ll be off to college at least, like, eight hundred miles away. Meanwhile Cam is probably going to wind up staying right here in Wisconsin.”

“So what?” Allie’s lower lip jutted out stubbornly. “Lots of people have made that kind of thing work.”

I shrugged. “Okay, granted. But trying to keep up a long-distance relationship through four years of college is bad enough. What happens after that? Our goals and visions of life are just so different.”

“Right, and that’s what I’ve always said makes you guys so perfect together,” Allie said. “Opposites Attract Theory, remember?”

Fine. If she was going to start throwing her theories in my face, two could play that game.

“Okay, then what about the Testing the Waters Theory?” I asked her. “You know, the one you came up with a while back that says nobody should just glom on to the first guy or girl who ever asks them out on a date. Neither Cam nor I have ever had any other serious relationships. How do we know the grass isn’t greener somewhere else?”

“Oh, please.” Allie rolled her eyes. “That theory doesn’t apply to you guys.”

“Why not? Besides, most relationships end at some point, especially for people our age. I’m sure there’s plenty of statistical evidence about that. Why should I expect to be the exception?”

She frowned. “Why do you have to be so logical about everything?” she said. “Anyway, if you want to break up with Cam, just do it already. I can’t stop you.” She stuffed another fry in her mouth, then mumbled, “Even if I do know for a fact that it would be the hugest mistake of your life.”

I didn’t bother to argue with her usage of the term
fact
. I already knew that would be pointless.

“It’s not that I
want
to break up with him,” I said instead. “I just think it’s probably inevitable, that’s all. Sad, but necessary.” With that, I decided to back off. It was obvious that Allie was getting kind of upset. She could be pretty sensitive about that sort of thing. “Anyway, give me another word, okay? The Simpson Scholarship won’t help much if I blow the verbal on the SAT.”

That much was logical enough not to allow any argument. I knew I could ace the math part of the test even sound asleep and with one hand tied behind my back. However, I was a lot weaker on vocabulary. Luckily Allie is a word whiz. Must be from reading all those self-help books she loves so much. They probably have to get pretty creative to keep coming up with new ways to tell women how to land their dream guys.

“Fine.” Allie pulled the vocab list toward her again and scanned it. “Here are a few words for you. I offer you my sincerest adjuration to abrogate this abstruse and abhorrent aberration. Quit being so contumacious about it, or I shall have to berate you.”

I was still puzzling through that one when the jingle bells hanging on the door started jangling. Glancing that way, I saw Nick dragging himself into the diner. His face wore the hangdog, depressed look that had become all too familiar over the past week.

“Nick!” Allie waved at him. “Over here.”

He blinked and then shambled over. “Hey,” he said. “What’s up?”

“I’m just trying to talk Lexi out of doing something really stupid,” Allie informed him.

Nick flopped into the booth beside me. “So what else is new?” he said with a shadow of his old humor.

“Don’t listen to her.” I shot Allie a warning look. Now didn’t seem to be the time to involve Nick in a debate about me and Cam. He was depressed enough already. “We’re just running some vocabulary words. Want to join in?”