Winter of Grace (11 page)

We paused while Stella picked up Tim's poo and tied the bag. She said, ‘Nana reckons I wouldn't have done it if you were around. She said “Bridie would have talked you out of it. Bridie always keeps you under control.”'

I was startled. I'd thought a lot about what
I'd
lost when Stella changed schools, but not so much about what
Stella
might have lost.

‘So did they give you detention, or what?' I asked.

‘Oh, no, they don't do detention at St Marg's; it's all about “Restorative Resolution”. Today I'm supposed to apologise to the whole school for not taking their faith seriously.' Stella rolled her eyes. ‘Bernie said she wouldn't have minded if she thought I was sincere, but she was really cross because I was only stirring.'

Bernie knows Stella pretty well
, I thought. ‘And were you?'

Stella shrugged. ‘Bit of both. Anyway, they can shove their apology. What's the worst they can do, expel me? I wish they would!'

‘Is that why you did it?' I stopped in the middle of the path, and a cyclist dinged his bell and swooped impatiently around us.

‘It's not about
you
, if that's what you're thinking.'

‘Isn't it?'

‘You're not the centre of my universe, Bridie Vandenberg.'

‘You're jealous, because I've found something new, something of my own, new friends.'

‘I don't
think
so. Do you mean your new invisible friend Jesus? Or that pack of brain-dead zombie Christians? I wouldn't hang out with
them
if you paid me.'

‘That is the dumbest generalisation I ever heard. If they were gay or – or black or Muslim, you wouldn't say that. But because they're Christians, it's okay to
vilify
them?'

Stella tossed back her hair. ‘Seriously, Bridie, if you turn into a Christian, I don't think I can be your friend any more.'

Tim pointed his little sharp snout up at me and barked anxiously; he knew there was trouble.

‘Well, it's unfortunate you feel like that,' I said coldly. ‘Because I
am
a Christian.'

Stella's face was white in the early sunlight. ‘You're choosing
them
over me?'

‘I'm choosing God,' I said. ‘How you feel about it is up to you.'

We stared at each other. And I turned around and crossed back over the bridge. I went home the way we'd come, and left her to finish the circuit on her own.

FOR THE NEXT few weeks, I lived like a double agent. The two halves of my existence didn't touch each other.

On Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights, I was a Northsider; the rest of the week, at school and at home, I never mentioned it. But more and more, Northside felt like the place my real life happened. It was the place I could relax, the only place I could talk about God, the place my soul felt free. The only people who truly understood the importance of that belonged to Northside, and now I belonged there, too.

Mum and I never discussed my absences. There was a tense church-shaped gulf between us, but we both acted like if we ignored it for long enough, it would eventually go away.

I didn't turn up to walk Tim any more, and Stella didn't ring or text me, so that was that. For a long time I expected her to make a move. It hurt that she could throw away all our years of friendship – I almost said over something so trivial but it wasn't trivial at all. What to believe, who to believe in, the kind of person you want to be: nothing's more important than that.

Without Stella, there were no other Kincaids in my life either: no chaotic weekend breakfasts, no football arguments with Tark, no helping Scarlet with her homework, no yoga with Mish, no jokes with Paul. In a funny sort of way, I almost missed them as much as I missed Stella herself.

I spent a lot of time in my room, reading the Bible. Jay had given me one, and everyone at Northside assured me that there was no better way to find out about God than to read His Word; so I'd decided to read the whole thing from start to finish. I hated to admit it, but Stella was right: it was pretty confusing. Even in the first two pages of Genesis there were two contradictory creation stories, and Leviticus was full of weird rules about sacrifices and diseases. God didn't come across too well either. He didn't seem loving at all, to tell the truth, always ordering people to kill their first-born sons, and smiting them with plagues and destruction.

I told Elliot I was struggling with the Old Testament, and he advised me to go straight to the New, which was a lot more enjoyable. Jesus was a pretty incredible guy; no wonder they built a whole religion round Him. Some of the things He said gave me chills all over.

‘It's amazing,' I said to Jay. ‘How His friends were able to write down everything that happened, and it's lasted two thousand years.'

Elliot overheard. ‘Actually, Bridie, it wasn't Jesus' friends who wrote the Gospels. The earliest one wasn't written till forty years after His death, and the others were much later. That's why they don't agree on the details.'

‘Oh,' I said. ‘So – some of it's made up?'

‘No,' said Jay firmly. ‘It's all true. That's not what Elliot meant, was it, Elliot?'

There was a pause, then ‘Yes,' said Elliot vaguely, and he scratched his chin and walked away; I didn't know what to think.

One night in late July, Mum said casually over dinner, ‘I've been asked to speak at a public forum at uni in a couple of weeks. Want to come?'

I grimaced. ‘Is it about biology?'

‘Not just biology, there'll be other speakers too.'

‘What's it about?' I spoke through a mouthful of rice.

Mum pushed a flyer across the table. ‘Maybe Stella would like to come, too?'

‘Stella would come and hear you read a shopping list,' I said absently, turning over the pamphlet. Then I realised that meant Mum would expect me to invite her. I hadn't told Mum about our epic fight, but she's not an idiot; she must have noticed Stella and I weren't exactly best buddies any more. Was this Mum's not-so-subtle attempt to bring us back together? I was still waiting for Stella to apologise. I pushed the problem away as I focussed on the flyer.

God vs Science

‘Creation Science' Is Not Science!

‘Intelligent Design' Is Not Intelligent!

Hear the truth about evolution, education and the curriculum
conspiracy!

Then a list of four speakers, including Dr Lisa Vandenberg, and the details of when and where.

‘You haven't organised this forum for my benefit, have you?' It was the first time I'd risked a church-based joke, however tiny, with Mum.

Mum took back the flyer. ‘No, it's a coincidence.'

I stabbed a beef strip. ‘Is anyone talking from the other side?'

‘The
other side
have plenty of forums of their own,' Mum said sharply. ‘There's no need for the university to give them a public platform.'

‘I thought universities were supposed to encourage open debate, the battle of ideas, that kind of thing?'

‘When two ideas have equal intellectual value––' Mum stopped herself, and took a deep breath. ‘I would really like you to come.'

I pushed rice around my plate. ‘I guess I
might
.'

Mum nodded. ‘You know, Bridie,' she said. ‘At some point, you're going to have to make a choice.'

‘It's not on a Northside night, is it?' I figured calling it ‘Northside' was less confrontational than ‘church'.

‘That isn't what I meant.' Mum's face was still and tight.

I chewed my meat, which had taken on the texture of a rubber band. Why would I have to choose? I could go to Northside
and
the evolution forum. I could believe in everything, like Mish. Why did it have to be one or the other?

It wasn't long before I found out why. The next night, to be precise.

‘Exciting news, people!' announced Ryan, another of the youth leaders. He brandished one of the forum flyers that Mum had brought home. My stomach lurched. ‘A great opportunity! We're going to hold a protest at the university.'

Soon everyone was buzzing with plans: brainstorming ideas for placards and chants, dressing up in monkey suits, that kind of thing.

I'd suspected that creationism might be something that Northside Church was into, but I hadn't realised how fervently they embraced it. I didn't say anything, but as the evening passed I became more and more uncomfortable. This must have been how Stella had felt at church, surrounded by people who believed in stuff she just couldn't swallow.

Because I just couldn't swallow creationism. Maybe it came from having a biologist for a mother, but the idea that God made the earth and everything on it in six days was something I found literally unbelievable.

As usual, Jay was sitting next to me. In the alternative universe that was Northside, we were seen as a couple, even though we'd never done any of the things a normal boyfriend and girlfriend do: never kissed, never been anywhere together except church, never talked about being a couple. But we sat together, and sometimes we held hands. In the eyes of Northside, that seemed to be enough. I wasn't totally comfortable with it, but because we never
did
anything, I allowed it to drift on. I certainly didn't think of Jay as my boyfriend. I wasn't sure if he thought I was his girlfriend. But it was reassuring to know that I could rely on him to keep my seat, that he'd always be there.

He'd acquired a proper black pirate's eye-patch now, and his hair flopped over it rakishly. Sometimes I called him Cap'n Jay. ‘You're very quiet tonight,' he said.

‘Do you really want to go to another protest, after last time?'

‘Can't give up the fight,' he said cheerfully.

‘It's not the same fight.'

‘We're still doing the Lord's work.' He tried to take my hand but I withdrew it. Usually I enjoyed the safety and security of having Jay beside me, but tonight I felt a bit smothered. Jay's relentless cheeriness seemed … unnatural. How could he bounce back so easily, and put his hand up to risk getting hurt again? Wouldn't a normal person have
some
doubts, some fear?

I didn't want to have mean thoughts about Jay; he didn't deserve it. He genuinely was brave; he was cheerful; his faith was strong. I was a bad person. I said hastily, ‘What's with the monkey suit?'

‘It's a joke. No way are human beings descended from monkeys.'

‘But that's not what evolution says. The theory is that humans and apes have a common ancestry. That's not the same thing.'

Ryan overheard me. ‘The so-called theory of evolution is full of holes, Bridie. Even the scientists themselves admit it doesn't explain everything. The complexity of an eye, for example.' That wasn't very tactful, with Jay right there, but Ryan ploughed blithely on. ‘The eye is a miracle of engineering. How could that just “evolve” by chance?' He made quote marks in the air. ‘It must have been designed. Even the scientists admit that evolution is just a theory.'

‘Every scientific explanation is a theory,' I said. ‘Every theory is tested. That doesn't mean it's not true. And natural selection
can
explain the development of the eye. It didn't spring up out of nowhere; there are creatures with less complex eyes than ours, with light-sensitive patches on their skin.' I stopped. Everyone in the room had fallen quiet, and they were all staring at me.

Elliot said, ‘You seem to know a lot about it, Bridie.'

‘My mother's a biologist,' I said miserably. ‘She's one of the speakers at this forum, actually.'

‘Lisa Vandenberg? Really? She's your mum?' Elliot was animated. ‘She lectured me last year in History and Philosophy of Science.'

‘Yeah?' I managed to say. What was wrong with me? With Stella and Mum, I'd stuck up for God, and all that had achieved was to make them both angry. But when I was with the God-lovers, I took the side of the non-believers. Did I want
everyone
to hate me?

Chelsea clasped her hands together. ‘Oh, wow. You are so lucky. What a wonderful opportunity to bear witness. In front of your own mother!'

‘That's great, Bridie.' Jay's face was shining. ‘You can show your mum you're not afraid to stand up for the truth.'

I felt like the situation was spiralling out of control. ‘But I—'

Elliot rescued me. ‘Come on, guys. Bridie's still new to the path. Let's not ask her to do too much at once.'

He sent me a swift glance that no one else saw; he seemed to know how I felt.

‘Hey, why shouldn't Bridie bear witness?' Ryan frowned at Elliot. ‘No need to spread the negative attitude around.' He turned back to me. ‘I've got some stuff you can read about intelligent design. It demolishes all the so-called scientific arguments.'