CHAPTER 12
Marian got into her nightgown and turned down the covers of Laura’s bed. She had slept up here every night since the teachers’ party. Dan didn’t want her downstairs with him. He said she needed her rest and the television would keep her awake, but Marian knew the truth. She should have been upset, but she wasn’t. She was much happier sleeping up here in her baby’s room.
There might be another note from Laura tonight. Marian smiled as she slipped into bed. Laura’s room was so comforting.
Dan had been home for three days now, and Marian was tired from the strain of being so carefully polite. He was a stranger to her, friendly but distant. It was like having a roommate in college.
Her eyes were closing now. Marian felt a warm glow as she slipped into her dream. Laura was calling to her, trying to tell her something. It was something very important, but Marian couldn’t make out the words. She listened intently, but Laura’s voice grew fainter. Now it was no more than a whisper.
She called out, but her baby was leaving. Laura was walking backward, holding out her hands. Her mouth was moving, but Marian was too far away to hear. The space that separated them was growing wider and wider. What was it that Laura was trying to tell her? What did her baby want?
Marian awoke with a start. It was daylight, and the sun was peeking in the yellow curtains. Laura’s diary was on the little table, where she’d placed it last night. It was blank.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Tears came to Marian’s eyes. “Tell Mommy, and she’ll make it better.”
“I’m going to run in and see Dan today.” Ronnie sipped his morning coffee and watched Sally make pancakes. “I just can’t believe the bad luck he’s having. That poor guy’s going to go crazy if things don’t look up.”
“I talked to Marian last night.” Sally turned a pancake and poured another on the griddle. “Do you think she’s all right, Ronnie? I’m more worried about her than I am about Dan.”
Ronnie shrugged. “You know her better than anyone, honey. What do you think?”
“I think something’s wrong. It’s just a combination of little things, but Marian’s changed.”
Ronnie was looking at her questioningly, and Sally tried to explain. “Last Wednesday I walked past her classroom. The kids were at lunch, and Marian was all alone. She was sitting at her desk with her eyes closed, sort of concentrating, you know? I wasn’t going to bother her, but then I heard her talking. At first I thought she was talking to me, but she didn’t know I was there. Then I realized she was talking to Laura!”
Ronnie looked doubtful. “Are you sure, Sal? Maybe she was just talking to herself.”
“That’s what she said when I asked her. But there’re other things, too, like her roll book. Laura’s name is still there, Ronnie. I can understand that. Maybe Marian can’t bear to erase it. But Marian marks her
present
! There’s a little red
P
right next to her name. I checked again, right before vacation. According to Marian’s attendance records, Laura’s been in school every day since she died!”
“That’s pretty strange.” Ronnie nodded. “Do you think . . . ?” He stopped in mid-question as Jenny came into the kitchen.
“Pancakes!” Jenny grinned, showing the gap where she’d lost her baby teeth. She plopped down in a chair and put her elbows on the table. “I heard what you said about Mrs. Larsen, Mom. I’m worried about her, too.”
Sally bit back her automatic comment about eavesdropping. Maybe Jenny had noticed something in the classroom.
“Why are you worried, Jenny?” Sally carried a stack of pancakes to the table and set out the butter and syrup. “We want to know.”
Jenny forked three pancakes and poured syrup on them before she answered. Sally could tell she was thinking.
“It’s hard to explain,” Jenny said at last. “I’m in the Bluebirds. That’s a reading group, Dad. There’s the Bluebirds and the Robins and the Sparrows. Laura was a Bluebird before she got killed. Now there’s just five of us Bluebirds, but Mrs. Larsen passes out six workbooks. At first we passed the extra one back, but she got so sad! Now we keep it and hand it in later. She does it every morning. There’s always one too many workbooks. It’s like Mrs. Larsen doesn’t know Laura’s gone. I think she’s trying to fool herself so she won’t be sad.”
Sally raised her eyebrows and looked at Ronnie. It was an astute comment for a seven-year-old.
“You mean she’s pretending?” Sally encouraged her.
“Sort of.” Jenny took a bite and chewed. There was a long silence while they waited for her to swallow. “It’s like Mrs. Larsen’s playing a game with us, only she doesn’t know it.”
Ronnie and Sally exchanged glances over Jenny’s head. “Anything else?” Ronnie asked.
“There’s the folder.” Jenny chewed again. “Mrs. Larsen’s got a blue folder on her desk with Laura’s name on it. Every time she passes out homework, she puts one in there. I asked her what it was for. She said everyone should keep up with their homework. I don’t understand how Laura can keep up with us kids when she’s dead. Is there any blueberry syrup, Mom?”
Sally nodded and got the blueberry syrup down from the shelf. Jenny had a disgusting habit of mixing blueberry and maple in puddles on her plate. But she was right about Marian. The homework folder proved it. It tied in perfectly with the attendance records. Marian had never accepted Laura’s death. She was living in a dreamworld where Laura was still alive.
“Why don’t we ask Mrs. Larsen to come to the sledding party? She should have fun. Mrs. Larsen forgot how to have fun.”
“That’s a good idea, Jenny.” Sally beamed at her daughter. “I’ll call her right now and ask her. Or better yet, why don’t you call?”
Sally didn’t say a word as Jenny ran for the phone. There was a rule about leaving the table in the middle of a meal, but this was an exception.
“That was Jenny on the phone.” Marian set Dan’s breakfast tray on the bed. “She said Ronnie was coming in this afternoon to see you. And she invited me to the children’s sledding party on New Year’s Day. I think Sally put her up to it. She probably thinks I need some diversion.”
Diversion?
Dan almost laughed. She had gotten plenty of diversion the night of the teachers’ party!
Marian walked to the Christmas tree and turned on the lights. “That looks better! How about the presents, Dan? Do you think it’s too early to put them under the tree?”
For a moment he didn’t know what she was talking about. Then it hit him, and he winced slightly. Laura’s presents. They were hidden in the hall closet upstairs.
“There’s no sense putting Laura’s presents under the tree, Marian. If they bother you, get rid of them.”
“Yes, of course.” Marian shivered slightly. “I just forgot for a minute, that’s all. I’ll send them home with Ronnie. Jenny can have them.”
“No!”
For a moment, his rage got the best of him. Those were Laura’s presents! He had bought them for her. Jenny didn’t deserve them. If Laura couldn’t have them, no one could!
“What’s the matter, Dan?” Marian was staring at him in surprise.
“Oh, nothing.” Dan managed a smile. “I wasn’t thinking clearly, that’s all. Of course you should retag them for Jenny. That’s the sensible thing to do.”
Marian stood on tiptoe to get the presents out of the closet. She always hid them on the top shelf so Laura couldn’t peek. She carried them to the bedroom and made new tags. “To Jenny from Santa,” she wrote.
There were quite a few packages. Marian tore off the old tags and replaced them automatically. When she got to the large red and silver one, she stopped.
This was Laura’s Pretty Patty, the doll she had begged for. She couldn’t give it to Jenny. Laura had to have something for Christmas!
Marian picked up the box and carried it across the hall. She put it on Laura’s little table. “To Laura from Mommy,” the tag read. “Do not open until Christmas.” It gave Laura’s whole room a festive air.
She was doing the right thing, Marian was convinced. Dan might think she was crazy, but she knew she was right. Every little girl needed a new doll at Christmas. And Laura would have her Pretty Patty.
Some noise had awakened him. Dan listened. There were footsteps above his head. Marian was in Laura’s room again.
He was worried about Marian. She had lost weight, and there were dark circles under her eyes. Dan knew she was sleeping in Laura’s room every night, waiting for another note. At first he thought the notes were good for her, but now he knew better. Marian’s delusion had gone too far.
At least she was coping. Dan supposed he ought to be grateful. Marian had been a model wife for the past few days. She took good care of the house and made wonderful meals. If only she’d let go of this crazy note business.
Now it was quiet again. Marian must have gone to sleep. Dan sighed and closed his eyes. He really should be nicer to Marian. They needed each other.
She was finished now. Marian put Laura’s present under the tree and stood back to admire her work. The small plastic Christmas tree was all decorated, and the lights twinkled brightly. She had almost forgotten, and that made her feel bad. Now Laura had her own little Christmas tree for a nice cheery night-light.
All the miniature balls and decorations had been stored in the attic. It had been a task getting them down. She had to work quietly. Dan was asleep. He wouldn’t like the idea of putting up Laura’s Christmas tree this year. Dan still thought Laura was dead.
CHAPTER 13
“Surprise!” Marian was wearing a red and green holiday apron. She carried in Dan’s breakfast tray and set it down with a flourish. She had made eggs Benedict just for Dan. It was Julia Child’s recipe, and everything had turned out right. Of course, she couldn’t buy truffles in Nisswa, but a slice of ripe olive looked almost as nice.
Marian was determined to make this holiday a cheerful occasion. Laura was watching. They had to pretend to be happy for her. Laura would be sad if they didn’t have a special breakfast on the day before Christmas.
He was surprised when he saw her smiling. Marian hadn’t smiled in a long time. And she was all decked out in a Christmas apron. He had to admit she was trying.
Dan managed to smile back at her. He guessed he could try to match her holiday spirits. He hadn’t forgotten, and he wasn’t going to forgive her, but this
was
Christmas.
“Say!” Dan raised his eyebrows as he looked at the tray. “You’re getting pretty fancy, aren’t you? It’s too bad we don’t have a bottle of champagne to go with this.”
“We do.” Marian ran to the refrigerator and came back with the bottle. “It’s just a domestic from California, but Gus said it was good.”
“Look in my center desk drawer, Marian. There’s a package in there with your name on it. You can wear it to the Powells’ tonight.”
“Oh, Dan!” Marian opened it carefully, saving the paper. “But how did you . . . ?”
“How did I get out to buy it?” Dan finished the sentence for her. “I rented a pair of legs. Sally picked it out for me. She said she knew exactly what you wanted.”
“She did!” Marian smiled as she pulled out the tiny gold chain. “I’ve wanted one like this ever since I saw hers.”
There was a long moment as they looked at each other. Even though they were trying to be cheerful, this holiday was different. In other years, she would have thrown her arms around Dan and kissed him. Now she couldn’t. He wouldn’t want her to.
“Thank you, Dan. It’ll look lovely with my red dress. Let me run and get yours.”
Dan smiled. Marian had liked the chain. Sally had picked it up two weeks ago. Now he was glad he’d shopped early. If he’d waited until last week, he might have decided not to get her anything. That would have been petty. She was still his wife.
There was a moment of suspense as Dan unwrapped his package. Marian winced as he tore off the paper, but she bit her tongue and kept silent. She’d always been a paper and bow saver, but this wasn’t the time to be picky. They were getting along for the first time in a week.
“They’re beautiful!” Dan pulled out the gloves and shook his head when he saw the tag. “Brooks Brothers? These are expensive, Marian! It says the lining’s mink.”
“I ordered them from New York.” Marian smiled in satisfaction. “Your old ones are wearing out. Now you have new, classy gloves to wear to school.”
“Oh, no. These gloves are too good.” Dan shook his head. “Put them in my bottom desk drawer, will you, Marian? I’ll save them for a special occasion.”
“You could wear them at the championship game.” Marian spoke without thinking. She winced as she saw the expression of pain cross his face.
“Sure.” Dan’s tone was bitter. “That’ll be a special occasion!”
He had deliberately avoided thinking about the championship. There was no way the team could win without Cliff. And Cliff’s accident had been
his
fault. He never should have gone back to coaching. He was no good for the team. He was no good for anyone now.
Marian saw his mood blacken. The tender moment was ruined. Dan picked listlessly at his breakfast. He was depressed now, and Marian knew there was no way to regain their earlier cheerfulness. She wished she could take back her thoughtless comment, but it was too late. The damage was done. All the joy of the morning was gone.
The winter wind howled around the eaves, and Marian shivered as she looked out the living-room window. The storm had come up around noon, and the weather reports were not encouraging. The highway patrol predicted another three inches before morning. Travelers’ advisories were out. There was no way they could drive to Sally’s tonight.
The phone rang, and she heard Dan answer. Marian stared out at the four-foot snowdrift blocking the street. She had been looking forward to the celebration at Sally’s, and now it was impossible. The van couldn’t even make it out of the driveway.
“Marian?” Dan was calling her. She turned from the window and walked slowly to the den. She felt caged and helpless in this white prison. If only she could get out!
Dan relayed the message. “Ronnie’s coming in to pick you up at five. He’s got the Snow-Cat running, and you’re supposed to wear plenty of warm clothes. He’ll bring you back later tonight.”
“But how about you?” Marian felt guilty at the surge of excitement she felt. “I can’t go with Ronnie and leave you home alone.”
“I didn’t want to go in the first place.” Dan looked at her coldly. “It’s no fun to sit in a wheelchair and get stared at all night.”
“But it’s Christmas Eve!”
“So what?” Dan gave a rueful laugh.
“You’ll be all alone!”
“Actually, I thought I’d sneak out the minute you leave. I’ll call up one of my old girlfriends and take her dancing. I understand there’s a new nightclub in Brainerd. I ought to be really good at that sort of thing.”
“Dan!” Marian stared at him in amazement. She’d never heard him this bitter and sarcastic.
“Just kidding, Marian. At least you don’t have to worry about me. I’m like your favorite household plant. Set me down somewhere and I’ll still be in the same place when you come back.”
“I’d better not go. I don’t think this is the time to leave you alone.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake! Can’t you take a joke? Go, Marian. Go out to Sally’s!”
Marian stared down at him, indecision written on her face. Dan knew he had her worried. He was really being a bastard.
He softened his voice. “Sorry, Marian. I’ll be fine by myself, really. Make me some Tom and Jerry batter before you go, and I’ll watch the specials on television. You know how disappointed Jenny will be if you don’t show up.”
That got to her. Dan could see her weakening. He was making a conscious effort to be nice now. It wasn’t fair to coop her up in the house with a cripple.
“If you’re sure you don’t mind . . .” Marian wavered. Dan was right. Jenny would be terribly upset if she couldn’t come. Maybe Laura would come, too. Laura might be with her at the Powells’, watching Jenny open her presents. This Christmas Eve could be fun, after all!
He was lonely. Dan put a big spoonful of Tom and Jerry batter into a mug and filled it with hot water from the thermos. The bottle of booze was sitting on the bedside table. He added a generous portion.
He’d been fine when she left. It was late afternoon, and he had Omar Bradley’s autobiography to finish. Then night closed in, shutting him off from the world outside. He looked out the window, but all he could see was the reflection of his reading lamp and his bedridden image in the glass. For the first time he understood why shut-ins called the “time” operator just to hear the sound of another human voice.
The phone by the bed rang sharply. Dan pulled himself up straighter and reached to answer it. Maybe it was the “time” operator calling him?
“Mr. Larsen? Thank you for all the super presents! I like the cowgirl outfit best of all. Mom says I can wear it to school! I’m sending your present back with Daddy. You’re gonna love it. I made it myself!”
There was a long pause, and Sally came on the line. “Dan? I hope Jenny didn’t wake you. The presents were really wonderful. She’s never had a Christmas like this before!”
“I wasn’t sleeping, Sally.” Dan made his voice cheerful. It had been a shock hearing Jenny’s voice. She sounded so much like Laura.
“Oh, Dan?” Sally lowered her voice. “You can feel perfectly safe eating Jenny’s present. It’s fudge, and I supervised the whole thing. She got the recipe out of the
Muppets Magazine
.”
“Hi, Dan!” This time it was Ronnie. “I just wanted to say Merry Christmas. We’ll leave here about ten or so, so expect us at a little after eleven.”
“How are you, honey?” There was a lilt in Marian’s voice as she took the phone. “Sally baked the best turkey I ever had. She covered the whole thing with mayonnaise so it wouldn’t dry out. I’m bringing you some. Just a second. I’m going to drag this phone around the corner.”
There was a pause and a cracking noise. The Powells’ phone was in the hallway. Dan remembered that it had a twenty-five-foot cord. Marian must be taking it into the kitchen so she could talk privately.
“Are you really all right? I’ve been worried about you. If you’re lonesome, I’ll tell Ronnie I have to leave right away.”
“I’m fine, Marian.” Dan gave a bitter smile. “Just enjoy yourself and come home when you planned. There’s no hurry.”
It was a relief to hang up the phone. Of course, it was very nice of them to call him, but it was tiring to pretend to be cheerful when he wasn’t. Hearing their happy voices with laughter and conversation in the background made him feel that much more alone.
Dan turned on the television. There was no sense sitting here moping. He’d make the best of it. There was bound to be something interesting on the tube.
A Charlie Brown Christmas
was on Channel 3. Dan watched for a minute, sipping his drink. Charlie Brown was choosing a Christmas tree. The one he picked looked comically pathetic. Laura had loved this cartoon. Dan switched the channel with a sharp jab of the remote control.
Another one of Laura’s favorites was playing on Channel 6.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
They had watched it together last year. The Grinch began to blur, and Dan blinked his eyes fiercely. This wasn’t a good one to watch, either.
They were showing
It’s a Wonderful Life
on the movie channel. At least that was safe. Dan mixed himself another Tom and Jerry and settled down to watch. It was one of his favorite films. Jimmy Stewart was just getting ready to jump off the bridge.
Dan sat up with a jolt. He must have fallen asleep. His legs tingled, and for a moment he was filled with excitement. Then he remembered. He’d had another of those walking dreams.
The movie was still playing, but it was almost over. It was the Christmas scene. Jimmy Stewart’s happy family was gathered around him, under the huge Christmas tree. His littlest daughter looked just like Laura.
Everything reminded him of Laura tonight! Dan gave up trying to escape. He had lied to Marian. Christmas Eve was a terrible time to be alone. He didn’t know how much longer he could take it. Why hadn’t she seen through his bravado and stayed home with him!
It wouldn’t have made a difference. Dan leaned back and closed his eyes. Having Marian in the same room was no comfort to him now. She didn’t understand how he felt.
Maybe he should have gone to the Powells’. The van might have made it. Then he would have been surrounded by people instead of being alone.
He played the scenario out in his mind. Marian had said the dinner was wonderful. He would have enjoyed that. And right after dinner, they’d opened their presents. He could picture Jenny opening Laura’s packages, squealing over each new treasure. Could he hide how he felt about Jenny?
Dan shivered. It was a good thing he’d stayed at home. He couldn’t stand the sight of Jenny. It was crazy to resent her, but he did. Jenny wasn’t the only one. He hated to see any of Laura’s friends. They were alive, and Laura was dead. It was too painful. He wished he never had to see any of them again.
A hard, choking sob tore from his throat. He closed his eyes against the pain and fought for control. There was no purpose in crying. Laura was dead, and no one could bring her back. At times like this he wished he’d died with her.
Marian called out when she came in the door, but there was no answer. She took off Dan’s parka and hung it next to the heat vent to dry. Her boots were full of snow, and she brushed them off with the broom. She was nearly frozen, but it had been worth it. At least she had made Jenny happy.
Dan was asleep. Marian tiptoed over and turned off the Christmas-tree lights. There was a dim bulb in the lamp on the television, and she turned that on, just in case he awoke. Jenny’s present went on the bedside table. Now he’d know that she’d gotten home safely.
It had been an exhausting evening. Marian climbed the stairs and went into Laura’s room. The miniature Christmas tree was glowing softly, and Laura’s package was untouched under it. Somehow she’d expected some sign from her baby.
Laura was gone. She had tried to find her all evening. Marian had been so sure that Laura would be with her, watching Jenny open her presents. There was no sign, no feeling of Laura’s presence at the Powells’.
Marian put on her nightgown and crawled into the small bed. Laura was not here, either. Christmas was so lonely without her. She had to come tonight. Marian was beginning to worry. Where was her baby?