Winning Him Without Words: 10 Keys to Thriving in Your Spiritually Mismatched Marriage (6 page)

The specifics change through the years and seasons of marriage. For example, in the early years of our marriage, I would pray that the Lord would save my husband, give him a yearning to read the Bible, and open his spiritual eyes. These prayers are not wrong, but today I am moved to pray like this:

Oh, Father, today let me just love him. Pour Your love into me in such a powerful and complete way that I am just bursting with You. Teach me how to pour Your love out over my husband and everyone I meet. Make every encounter I have an opportunity for others to see You and not me
.

Father, I beg You to place Yourself before my man today. Be in front of him at the office. Be at his side at lunchtime. Be behind him as he talks on the phone and writes a letter. Lord, place Christian men in his path, at the store today, on the phone and at the office. Let him see reminders that You are in relentless pursuit of him and that Your passion for him will never fade. Lord, I ask You to surround him with You. Fill his morning, noon and night with Your presence and protect him from the enemy
.

Lord, I ask Your will in his life, not my will. I love You, Jesus. I love You. Your humble servant, Lynn
.

Toss out the index cards. They are a waste of time. The love of God in a woman who is fully committed to Christ is irresistible. You won’t need to say a word to your man. Your loving actions will speak volumes (see 1 Pet. 3:1).

Loving the Lord is born out of time spent with Him. Reading His blueprint for life and praying are seemingly simple and
as old as the ages. Yet time alone with God is rarely a priority in the life of a busy wife. I know—I was once that way myself. However, I made a commitment and a sacrifice to rise early, so I could spend time with God.

God has faithfully honored that sacrifice. He meets me every morning and I am never disappointed. He fills me with His wisdom, a fresh perspective, and peace. I close my Bible and prayer journal, feeling confident and fortified, able to face whatever the day brings—even a husband who is hostile to Jesus. I live with hope and I know happiness because, without a doubt, God holds my tiny life in the very palm of His hand.

This is our vital role in our husband’s salvation: to love the Lord God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength. Nothing more, nothing less.

The principles of this book center on this truth: Reading God’s Word and praying can and will change a wife, a husband, a home, a marriage, a neighborhood and a world in desperate need of a Savior. That’s a promise.

Prayer and daily Bible reading led me to peace. I am no longer distraught over our spiritual differences. Released is my desire to persuade, argue and manipulate my husband to faith. Jesus is completely capable of saving my doubter without my help, thank you very much.

I challenge you today to begin this love journey with Jesus. Make a daily appointment with the King and keep it. Duty will turn to desire, and you will never be the same. Like me, you will discover the abundant life.

Please pray first that God would open your eyes and heart to meet Him here in these questions, to bring freedom, resolution and encouragement to you.

1. What was a time that you engaged in “spiritual ambush”?

2. How did your spouse receive your intervention? How did he feel about your efforts? How did that make you feel?

3. Look up 1 Corinthians 2:14. How does your understanding of this verse influence your prayer life? How does it affect your interactions with your spouse?

4. Most women enjoy talking—a lot. If you have this gift, how does 1 Peter 3:1 challenge you?

5. With regard to saving your spouse, are there specific actions you need to discontinue?

6. How do you see yourself reflecting Jesus to your family today?

Lord Jesus, forgive me if I have been a stumbling block in my spouse’s salvation experience. I turn over my will to Your capable hands and I will trust You to save my spouse in Your time and in a way that brings You honor
.

Pour a fresh anointing of the Holy Spirit into me each morning to empower me to live my faith authentically before my spouse. Reveal to me the truth of 1 Peter 3:1 and how my words can bring healing or how they can hinder. Let me learn to love my husband with Your love. Let him find Your love irresistible.
Remind me daily that You are relentlessly pursuing my spouse and will never give up
.

Teach me to pray effectively for my spouse, asking for salvation and protection from evil. I ask in the life-changing name of Jesus, amen
.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres
.

1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-7

The Pink Princesses. Who would have thought the Pink Princesses could profoundly affect the love between two people. Certainly not me. Who are the Pink Princesses, you ask? Well, they aren’t a newly discovered Christian girl band. Nor a romantic comedy film that ends with my favorite five words: “They lived happily ever after.” And the Princesses aren’t characters from a romance novel.

The Pink Princesses is the name of my Fantasy Football team. Some of you are rolling your eyes about now, but stay with me because there are some amazing truths we can learn from this seemingly silly game.

I shared with you in
chapter 1
that I felt lonely in the early years of marriage. My husband and I were suffering from a major disconnect. He didn’t view life from my perspective, and I refused to consider his position. Our detachment from each other stemmed from the soul, deep in the heart. It then spilled
over into our everyday living. We lost the simple joys of married life.

I distanced myself from him because I feared the pain caused by some off-hand comment from my spouse about Jesus. My husband distanced himself from me because he grew tired of the sharp word exchanges over issues he had firmly settled in his mind. We each withdrew behind skillfully crafted walls of protection.

This was a scary time in our marriage, as it can be for any marriage. It’s precisely during this type of cool period that we must run—not walk—to the source of unconditional love and forgiveness. Our daily appointment with the King becomes crucial to navigate this season. Remaining connected to our spouse is also imperative. As a believing wife, God is calling us to be intentional, working to keep communication open and to love our spouse with purpose and without conditions. But how do we go about cultivating common interests and encourage love in a way that doesn’t threaten our spouse and at the same time allows us to live authentically? This is a great question, and the Pink Princesses became my answer.

Many years ago, I read the book
His Needs, Her Needs
by Willard F. Harley, Jr. When I was a young wife, this book was instrumental in my understanding the needs of husbands and wives. Upon reading this book, it dawned on me that God made men and women vastly different—on purpose!

Now, after years of walking with God and my unbelieving spouse, I truly understand God’s wisdom. The Lord used and continues to use my husband to wear down the sharp edges of my personality and craft the much-needed changes in my character. He often used my misunderstanding of the male psyche to file off a bad attitude and polish away selfish pride.

In Dr. Harley’s book, I discovered that one of the five primary needs of a husband is to share recreational companionship.
This ranks right behind sexual fulfillment, which we will touch on later in the chapter. A husband wants to have fun and wants to share fun with his best friend, his wife. This is our opportunity to pour our love into our marriage and participate in our husband’s life in a nonthreatening way. For me, this turned out to be Fantasy Football.

My husband isn’t an athletic person; however, he does enjoy watching a good football game on the weekend, and on occasion I would join him to watch a Denver Broncos game. But, like many women, my interest tended to wander off and focus on something other than uncivilized men running around in tights inflicting injury upon one another.

However, several years ago, my husband joined a neighborhood Fantasy Football League. During the course of the football season, I watched him morph into a crazed fanatic. He would intensely track the games, glued to the television and his laptop, checking stats and scores.

Some of us have strong feelings about football and sports in general. From September until the Super Bowl, football widows abound. Similarly, I remained outside of this large part of my husband’s life. I would find myself drifting off to the computer or the kitchen. Most Sundays we spent together at home, yet we were still alone.

Then, as it happened, a spot opened up in my husband’s Fantasy Football League. One day, he casually mentioned the opening to me.

“Why can’t I join?” I asked.

“You want to play Fantasy Football?” he asked astonished.

“Yes, yes, I think I do,” I grinned.

Actually, I jumped at the chance. I was determined to participate in this part of his world.

Did I know much about football? No. Did I know how to play Fantasy Football? I hadn’t a clue, but I joined anyway.
Thus the Pink Princesses were born. My daughter named the team and selected our logo, a unicorn framed by a rainbow, a true girly team. This was my opportunity to connect with my husband, and I took it.

I made myself learn the game and the strategies. Interestingly, even our son and daughter became involved. They were quite surprised to see Mom and Dad watching football all day and having a blast. My husband and I spent the day on the couch together as a couple. Week after week, we talked over strategies and our players. We teased each other about our team’s performance. We laughed, cheered, jeered and cajoled—and we loved.

We loved.

Let’s read part of 1 Corinthians 13 again. This verse has been used so often by so many people that it has almost become a cliché, thereby losing some of its power in our lives. However, the truths it contains are there, and they apply to every marriage, including a spiritually mismatched one.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Cor. 13:4-7).

Within these few sentences, God is freely giving us the secret to a long and joyful marriage. The precepts are specific and doable. Their simplicity is often underrated. Let’s take a look.

“Love is patient, love is kind.”
Growing our patience is one of God’s favorite things to do. Like me, you may have already discovered how often the Lord will use our husband to grow us up. Learning patience is a slow process and takes years of practice to perfect. Patience and kindness are really all about accepting our mate for who he is. It is letting go of our anger and frustration to simply love the man. This truth involves surrendering our long-held expectations and entitlements that we grip with a tight fist, believing they are rightfully ours. God’s Word is clear about marriage. It doesn’t say we are entitled to a home with two children, one cat and three dogs, a car, etc.

What we are entitled to is death, yet we received the gift of God’s love and salvation through Jesus. This gift comes with fantastic promises as well as responsibilities. We as believers are commissioned to be servants to others. Serving is kindness in action. When we set this truth firmly in our hearts, the pain of unrealized expectations diminishes. Christ fills us with new dreams and expectations, which, in my experience, have proven to be extraordinary and wonderful.

“[Love] does not envy.”
The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the hill. Being in love with our husband is a choice. In this passage, the Lord reminds us that we don’t always feel the emotion of love. Although we might at times feel as if we are not in love with our spouse, each day we need to make the choice to remain in the marriage and pursue happiness through the transforming power of Jesus in our lives.

“[Love] does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered.”
These characteristics describe practical aspects of being considerate of our mate—truly one of those rubber-meets-the-road instances in marriage.

More than anything, men want respect. It is at the core of their being, and it’s of paramount importance that they receive respect from their wife. Respect is vital for a marriage
relationship to thrive. It can be challenging to respect someone whom you know so much about—the good, the bad and the ugly. Yet the Lord is very specific to wives with regard to this need in men:

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself,
and the wife must respect her husband
(Eph. 5:33, emphasis added).

I discovered an easy way to help turn myself away from criticism and toward respect. During my prayer time, I would write down the qualities I appreciated about my husband. My list would look something like this (these are only a few of the traits I admire in my husband):

He is kind.

He is a great dad.

He is a hard worker and provider.

He laughs at my silliness.

He does the laundry.

He is loyal.

I would bring these attributes before the Lord and thank Him for placing them in my husband. Guess what happened? Naming my husband’s strengths and thanking God for each one opened my eyes to see the amazing person he really is. This seemingly elementary list removed my focus from the negative to see my spouse through the eyes of Christ. And you know what? He’s one fantastic man.

“[Love] keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”
When I am wronged, I turn to the Lord, and I choose to forgive. Forgiveness is the glue in all marriages. Forgiveness isn’t always easy and often takes time, but it’s possible to
forgive much because Christ forgave us. The truth is that something amazing happens when we forgive our spouse. We become free. This is a priceless place to live, and it is central to a thriving marriage.