Why Men Love Bitches (24 page)

Much of the advice given in this book has been based on the admissions men have made to me. At one point, I asked a doctor named George why he won’t share this secret information with his partner. He answered, “Because with you there is no consequence. But with her there
would
be a consequence.” The consequence George is speaking of is a loss of power for men. In other words,
the attraction a man has for a feisty or bitchy woman is rarely something he’ll want her to know about.

I knew the information the men were giving up was not only truthful but also very loaded, because there was such a “hush, hush” quality to it. Men would regularly ask me not to use their names because they said that other men would feel betrayed by what they had disclosed.

Obviously, it’s helpful to know how men think. But the information in this chapter isn’t intended to give you ways to work
even harder
to appease a man. The nice girl does that already, to a fault. If there are two eggs in a frying pan, she’ll take the broken yolk for herself. If she bakes two cookies and one breaks, she’ll keep the broken one and give him the good cookie. The nice girl has no idea why overcompensating backfires when it’s done day-in and day-out. She doesn’t realize that she becomes so involved in him that she loses herself, and in the process, she risks losing him as well.

Refer to the Top Fifteen Lists in this chapter again and again, but don’t take the information and work
even harder
to please your man. Instead of working so hard to please him, work harder to please yourself…because ultimately, this is what will truly please him.

This chapter explores what happens when you give up your “pink slip” and the ability to provide for yourself.

When you have the clear title on a vehicle, you are the legal owner and you have the “pink slip,” or certificate of ownership, to it. The “Pink Slip” in some states means you’ve been fired. However, the meaning here pertains to
ownership of a vehicle
. When you have the pink slip, there are no lien-holders. There are no monies owed. There are no debts unpaid. This means you own it
free and clear,
so what you do with that vehicle is entirely up to you. Likewise, when a woman keeps the pink slip over herself, she gains leverage in the relationship.

This is what many mothers tell their daughters: If a woman gives up her independence and becomes financially dependent on a man, she’ll have far fewer choices in life. She’ll end up at someone else’s beck and call. She’ll be at
someone else’s mercy.
This is why a woman should maintain her independence, her “pink slip,” and full ownership of
herself.

What mothers may or may not elaborate on is how a man feels about a woman when he has to carry her financially. Before long he’ll feel as though she’s an added responsibility instead of an asset. At that point, he’ll stop viewing her as a privilege to be with.

This doesn’t apply to a woman taking care of children. When a family is involved, no doubt she will be doing her part…and then some. He won’t perceive her as dead weight, because he knows her job can sometimes be harder than his. In this case a father recognizes that he prefers his job over hers, so he can’t help but
respect her
for her work.

As long as you have the resources to choose your terms, you keep your pink slip and you keep your power. If you choose to leave, you can always grab a suitcase and go. This very independence makes him
not want you to leave.

All the “feistiness,” or “sexiness,” or bitchy attitude in the world won’t change a man’s awareness that you cannot hold your own with respect to your livelihood.

Once you hand over that pink slip, he feels trapped because you’ve now become a
responsibility,
rather than a privilege. And that feels like something he is
stuck
with. He has to provide food for two, housing for two, and pay all the other bills for two. It doesn’t take long for him to feel the added pressure and the doubled responsibility of carrying not only himself but also another person.

A bitch will usually maintain her independence and contribute to the relationship in some way because her pride won’t allow her to be perceived as a burden on someone else. And she won’t put herself in a position where she can’t rock the boat, which she
will
do if and when she feels that she isn’t being regarded highly enough.

It’s important to let him know you place your dignity above all else, even if you’re dating a very successful man. He has to feel that, if he mistreats you, you’ll pack up and move out of his mansion into a one-bedroom without any hesitation. He has to feel you’ll drive a Pinto rather than a Mercedes Benz, if it means you’ll be tolerating disrespect. He has to know you’ll give up a comfortable lifestyle before you’ll accept being misused or mistreated.

Usually this can be conveyed with actions, but sometimes it can be expressed with words. For example, let’s say you’re watching the TV movie
The Burning Bed
in which Farrah Fawcett plays an abused woman who, in every other scene, is sporting a new black eye. You can use this as a tender “lovey-dovey moment” in which to express your
Terms of Endearment
for your man, while eating popcorn. Simply turn and look at him, gaze into his eyes and say, “I would sooner be flipping burgers at McDonalds.”

When faced with an independent woman, a guy is too busy trying to keep his “welcome” to get bored. But with a financially dependent woman, he thinks he can slack off and
she’ll take it
. Even if he isn’t the type to mistreat a woman, he’ll grow bored if he gets the sense that she’ll take whatever he dishes out.

You don’t have to be rich; you just have to maintain the ability to take care of yourself. This directly relates to whether he’s respectful at all times. He can’t buy you a dinner because you’re hungry. It has to be a gift that he chooses to give and that you choose to receive. Then the gifts keep coming.

Jeanette told me about how her ex-husband had made her feel when he was the only one working. She recalled:

If you can take care of yourself, everything he gives you becomes gravy. He isn’t providing the whole meatloaf. The whole four courses. He doesn’t provide you with your livelihood.

Susan B. Anthony said, “I never felt I could give up my life of freedom to become a man’s housekeeper.” It
isn’t
about whether a woman is a man’s housekeeper or whether she’s bringing in “dollar for dollar” that’s important. And it also isn’t about whether she stays at home to raise children, because this is even harder work. The variable is this: Whether a woman
has the resources or ability to leave if and when she wants to go.

When a man financially supports a woman completely, one of two things will happen:

1. He’ll begin to feel “locked in,” or trapped in a dead-end situation.
   
2. He’ll begin to view her as a little girl.