Whiter Shades of Pale (4 page)

The use of British slang in everyday conversation says so much about the person using it. Not only does it imply that they have likely done a study abroad in the U.K.; it also suggests that their cable package includes BBC America. Within white culture, an affinity for British programming that has no chance of ever crossing over to America is seen as a very desirable thing indeed. For proof just ask any white person about
The Mighty Boosh
or
Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace
.

By far and away the biggest reason white people start talking with British slang is the films of Guy Ritchie or
Trainspotting
. It is scientifically impossible for a white person to watch the first half of
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
and not start using words like
shite
and
wanker
.

If you have any familiarity with British slang, it is essential that you keep your mouth shut around white people. It has been proven that British slang expression spreads faster than chlamydia among a group of white people.

If you do not believe this, there is a simple test you can perform. Before leaving a group situation simply say the words “Cheers, mate” instead of “Goodbye.” Within twenty-four hours, emails written to you will end with that expression, and the next day at work will sound like you’ve stepped into the worst Cockney pub in the world.

One look at Anthony Bourdain’s life accomplishments and it’s no surprise that white people like him: famous chef, bestselling author, and television host who flies around the world eating local and exotic foods. He is truly a hero to white people everywhere.

In each episode of his TV show he travels to a new city and a guide instantly whisks him away to a restaurant or food stall that is proclaimed to be for locals only. Bourdain eats something that some people might consider to be gross, then proceeds to spend the next ten minutes complaining about tourists who only want to eat at chain restaurants.

This not only makes him feel better about pretending that the salted gallbladder he just ate was actually delicious, it also reminds the white people watching the show that they are better than everyone else. There hasn’t been a show this reaffirming to white people since
Seinfeld
.

During the show he is also fond of talking about how he hates when too many white people start eating at a local ethnic restaurant. Which makes sense considering he’s doing a show that specifically directs white people to these very establishments.

But the part of the show that fills white people with the most glee is when he goes to a very expensive high-end restaurant run by one of his friends. This is important because all white people respect high-end restaurants and all have elaborate fantasies about one day being able to eat at one. And there is the great value of this show.

Begin discussing
No Reservations
with a white person and try to steer the conversation toward a restaurant that Bourdain went to in Europe. Then use the following script.

If the white person immediately caves and agrees to help out, then you have won a small victory. But the larger prize comes if they try to pretend they are broke.

If the white person rebuffs you, all you need to say is “So you have a few thousand dollars to spend on foie gras and truffles, but not ten bucks to help out some kids at
public
school? Class act, Josh.”

Your child will be the top fund-raiser at your school. Or you will have made enough in false school candy bar sales to take a trip to elBulli.

Raising a white child is extremely time-consuming. They have so many activities, cultural immersion programs, sports, language classes, and supplemental educational classes, and that doesn’t include the time it takes to actually raise the child. For a white person to accomplish all of this they would need superhuman abilities or just have to make some personal sacrifices, both equally impossible to white people.

So to help manage this incredible task, white people hire nannies to help raise their children. When both parents work, a nanny becomes extremely important in child care. But wait, aren’t there men and women who don’t work but still have a nanny? Of course!

Just because you don’t have a job doesn’t mean you aren’t busy. In fact, white people are regarded as the best in the world at looking busy while doing nothing. This is an important technique developed by white people over many years of trying to find a way to avoid returning awkward phone calls.

When it comes to hiring a nanny, there are a lot of rules. White nannies are generally seen as problematic. Since most of them are young Europeans or American women looking for an artistic career in a city, they pose a sexual threat to the recent mother. Additionally, with white nannies comes the fear that they will abandon the children if they find something better to do. This last fear is especially pronounced in white parents because it’s exactly what they just did.

Instead, white people prize older foreign women. Their popularity is due to a number of factors. First, white people like hiring nannies who
have children who are grown up. Or at least older than fourteen: that makes them feel better about essentially hiring someone to neglect their own children. Also, foreign women might teach the white child a new language. And finally, most foreign women who work as nannies have lived a long life of hard work and devotion to others, two skills that cannot be taught by white parents.

If you’re invited to a Mother’s Day party it is strongly recommended that you get a gift for the mother. Showing up with a gift for the nanny and saying, “What? She’s the one doing all the work!” is considered to be poor form—though an excellent first step in poaching a nanny.