Whiter Shades of Pale (30 page)

Though you might consider finishing school or having a good job to be “accomplishments,” many white people view them as burdens. As such, they can only handle them for so long before they start talking about their need to “take a year off” to travel, volunteer, or work abroad.

It is most common for the person taking the year off to use this time to travel. They start off with a set amount of money that they will live on for as long as possible. This explains why a white person with an $800 backpack will haggle with a poverty-stricken street vendor in a night market about a $2 plate of food.

If you work with this person, be sure to give them a
fake
email address on their last day on the job or you will be inundated with emails about spiritual enlightenment and how great the food is compared to similar restaurants back home. Also, within the first five days following departure, this person will come up with the idea to write a book about their
travel experiences. Sadly, far more books about mid-twenties white people traveling have been written than have been read.

Some of the more enterprising white people will extend their time off by working abroad as a bartender, ski lift operator, or English teacher. Their stories, emails, and publishing plans will be identical to those of the previous white person but will include additional stories about work and complaints about “tourists.”

Finally there is the white person who takes a year off to volunteer at home or abroad. Though they are equally likely to write long emails about their adventures, these people are often using the experience as an excellent résumé pad for their application to law school. This way they are able to put off real life without the crippling derailment of a career or education.

Regardless of how a white person chooses to spend their year off, they all share the same goal of becoming more interesting to other people. Sadly, the people who find these stories interesting are other white people who are politely listening until they can tell their own more interesting story about taking a year off.

Thankfully, there is an enormous opportunity for personal gain. You see, whenever a white person takes a year off it opens up a valuable apartment, job opportunity, or admissions slot. Consider it to be the most pretentious form of affirmative action.

Thanks to Michael Pollan and a number of frightening documentaries, more white people than ever are concerned about where their food comes from. Many white people have fantasies about opening their own organic farm where they could grow vegetables and herbs and potentially marijuana. But the reality of hard physical labor and living in a town with only one Thai restaurant is often enough to scare them straight. Instead many of them are choosing to plant small gardens at home.

When a white person gets it in their head that they are going to grow their own food, they will first justify it to themselves by calculating how much money they will save on basil if they grow it themselves. This is what is generally referred to as white person math. We have seen this before in the justification for the purchase of a kayak, the long-term value of liberal arts college tuition, and any trip to Whole Foods. Since white person math does not operate with any regard to logic or reason, it is not recommended that you inform a potential white farmer that the money they spend on gardening supplies will probably equal their yearly budget for vegetables.

Remember: You simply cannot put a price on the flavor enhancement that comes from self-satisfaction.

White people who do not have a yard will attempt to grow herbs in their small apartment. The top crop for white people in this situation is basil, followed by oregano, and then rosemary. Additionally, all white people will also go through a short-lived experiment with growing their own cilantro.

Ultimately it is strongly recommended that you befriend this white person, since they are the most likely to yield a free meal. Do not worry about the meal being low quality; no white person has successfully grown enough food for a full high-quality meal since the nineteenth century.

It is guaranteed that white people will be the most competitive in environments where they compete exclusively against other white people: law schools, private school applications, conversations about music, and, of course, the Winter Olympics.

It’s not that white people are afraid to compete against nonwhite people; it’s just that were they to win they would be filled with an enormous sense of guilt that they only won because of the inherent advantage afforded them by their upbringing. Actually, forget that, they just don’t like losing and so they invented the Winter Olympics.

After realizing in the Summer Olympics that it didn’t cost anything to be a runner, white people decided they needed to do what they do best: make something open to everyone but prohibitively expensive so that only white people can compete. It worked for documentary filmmaking. Why wouldn’t it work for sports?

And work it did. Now white athletes who aren’t very good at running can be Olympic athletes in such costly sports as skiing, snowboarding, and luge. Of course, there is figure skating, but much like the math department at an Ivy League school, it’s an exception reserved mostly for Asians and Russian child prodigies.

Over the past few years, the Winter Olympics have expanded to make sure there’s a sport for everyone to watch. Regular-level white people will stick to the classics like downhill skiing, pairs figure skating, and hockey. But for many years there were no sports that provided white people with the ironic thrill they need to truly enjoy it.

Then they added curling.

The addition of chubby Canadians, strange-panted Norwegians, mustachioed Americans, surprisingly attractive Swedes, and angry Brits provided white people with a sport they could truly call their own.

Eyes able to detect American women impressed by British accents.

Brain able to recall all Joy Division lyrics on command.

Pint of U.K. beer comes with smug satisfaction that it is better than all American beers.