Where Your Heart Is (Lilac Bay Book 1) (23 page)

She looked at me, her expression sad. “Your father didn’t want that.”

“Well, it wouldn’t have been up to him—”

“He told me he wasn’t interested in change, Iris. That if I wasn’t the person he thought I was, maybe our marriage wasn’t what he thought it was, either.”

She squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m not putting this on him. I’m the one who left. But I left because I felt like I couldn’t be who I needed to be and stay.” She opened her eyes, and they were wet. “I’m sorry if that’s hard to understand.”

I shook my head, running my fingers through the sand. I had no idea how to respond.

“When I got home to the island, I was happy, Iris. I know that didn’t make sense to you at the time, I knew how you felt about the place, but it was good for me.
Right
. Being home with my family…” She trailed off, looking out over the water. “It gave me the security to figure out what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. I wouldn’t have had that here.”

The security to figure out who I wanted to be
. Those words hit my heart like a hundred little pin pricks, resonating with me in a deep place I wasn’t sure I wanted to look at.

“I know you were disappointed in me,” she whispered. “That you saw me giving up my job to become an artist as the great failure of my life. But I was happy, Iris. It took me a long time to learn that—that the only happiness worth having is the kind you find for yourself. The kind you find in your own skin. I don’t think leaving made me a failure, sweetheart. I think success if what you want it to be.”

But what about me
, a little voice asked in my head.
Where did I fit into your happiness and success?

As if reading my mind, she leaned forward and brushed a lock of my straight dark hair, so different from hers, over my shoulder, playing with the ends for a moment. “My one regret is not making you stay with me.”

I gaped at her. “On Lilac Bay?”

She nodded, her expression guilty and so sad. “You hated it there so much. I wish you could have seen your face back then. I’ve never seen such an unhappy girl.” She sighed. “And I didn’t know what to do for you. I considered moving back to Chicago, but everyone told me you needed more time. I thought if you could see how good things could be, how nice it would be to not be overwhelmed by all that stress and pressure, that you might come around. And then you started dating and…” She sighed. “I wanted you to be happy there so badly. And when you told me you weren’t, when you said you would rather be in boarding school… I should have said no. I should have kept you there and worked our way through it.”

Her eyes filled with tears, and when she spoke again, her voice was shaking. “But I felt like such a hypocrite. Because there I was, making this big stand to be happy and make my own choices. And there you were, trying to do the same thing. How could I tell you no? How could I tell you that you didn’t have the same right to your choices as I did?”

“Mom—”

“But I regretted it every day, Iris. You were my baby.” Her voice broke. “And I should have kept you with me, no matter what.”

I found myself reaching for her without even thinking about it. She wrapped her arms around me, her embrace so familiar, and then we were both crying. “I thought it was a relief for you,” I managed through my tears. “That I was nothing but a hassle, standing in the way of your happy life there.”

“Oh, Iris, never. You’ve never been a hassle. I’ve always wanted you with me. Always. I just couldn’t figure out how to get you back.”

“You didn’t lose me, Mom. I’m right here.”

She squeezed me so tightly, I was sure she’d leave marks in my arms, squeezed me until I could barely breathe. And it still didn’t feel close enough.

“Look at us,” she finally said, pulling away to smile at me through mascara-smudged tears. “I thought we were supposed to be talking about ways to be happy.”

I laughed, accepting the tissue she pulled from her purse to blow my nose. I wondered if things might feel awkward now—I’d never been raised to be really big on crying and hugging. But my mom wrapped her arm around me, pulling me close to her side, and rested her head on mine. “I love you, Iris.”

“I love you, too, Mom.”

“I can’t tell you what it meant to me, having you home this summer. Especially when…” Her voice broke. “For the funeral. It was so nice to have you home for that.”

My stomach clenched at her words, thoughts of Posey and Mimi rushing through my head. “It meant a lot to me, too,” I told her. “I just wish I’d spent more time with him before he got sick.”

“They were both so proud of you,” she murmured, smoothing my hair back. “You should hear the way they talked about you.”

I thought of all those people on Lilac Bay who seemed to know me before we even met. And I pictured Mimi and Pops, maybe Posey, maybe even my mom, telling them about me. Making me a part of their world even when I was absent. Suddenly, I knew exactly what I needed to do.

“What time is it?” I asked, sitting up straight and reaching for my phone.

“You and that phone,” my mother gently chastised, checking the old leather watch on her wrist. “It’s nearly two. Why?”

“If we leave now we might be able to get there before dark.”

“Get where?”

“Lilac Bay.” I stood up, dusting the sand from my pants. “Come on.”

She stared up at me, something like hope on her face. “Does this mean you’re not taking the job?”

“I don’t know. All I know is this is a big decision. And it’s not one I can make without talking to my family.”

M
y plans to
get home as soon as humanly possible were thwarted by that universally loathed troublemaker—traffic. By the time we fetched our things from the hotel and got on the road, we were nearing rush hour. Not a fun time to try to get out of Chicago. The traffic gods were further set against us once we crossed the border into Michigan. Construction had the freeway down to one lane. What should have been a six-hour trip stretched to seven, then eight. It was dark, and we still had a good three hours of driving to go. At this rate, the ferry wouldn’t even be running by the time we got to the dock.

And then the storm came in.

“We’ll be on the road first thing in the morning,” my mother assured me as we pulled our bags into the Days Inn through a torrent of rain and hail. “We’ll get there in no time.”

She could clearly read my agitation about the delay. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt desperate to get back. I needed to set things right with Mimi and Posey. And I needed to talk to David. I spent an anxious night tossing and turning before finally waking her up at seven to get back on the road.

“You owe me so much coffee, kid,” she muttered as she blearily followed me down to the car.
It’s better this way
, I tried to convince myself, looking up at the blue sky and bright sun above. I was upset to have lost the time, but in all honesty, the thought of getting on the ferry, at night, in the kind of rain we’d had, made me feel sick.

But when we got to the long-term lot at the ferry dock, something else happened that made me feel a little sick about the crossing. Standing on the dock waiting their turn to board, their arms full of shopping bags from the mall in Traverse City, were my grandmother and Posey.

“Here’s your chance,” my mom said brightly, nudging me. “Isn’t this what you dragged me out of bed at seven a.m. for?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think I’d have to talk to them in public,” I muttered. There were a lot of tourists standing between me and my cousin and grandmother. I didn’t add that the thought of an emotional conversation hardly soothed my growing worry about getting on the ferry and crossing the bay. I might be better about water after my time with David, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t still sure that I was destined to die on this rusty old bucket of a boat one of these days.

Before I could decide what to do, Posey looked up and saw me. Immediately, her eyes filled with tears, and she threw herself through the crowd of waiting tourists to get to me, her arms going around my shoulders before I could even react, the shopping bags abandoned on the dock beside us.

“I’m so sorry!” she cried. “Oh, Iris, please forgive me. I said such terrible things to you. I was just so upset about Pops, and I was so tired and nothing seemed right.”

“It’s okay—”

“It’s not!” She pulled back to look at me with tears running down her face. “You were grieving, too, and I had no right to be such a…a bitch. I just…” Her face crumpled again and I decided that now was probably not the right time to congratulate her on using a real swear word. “The thought that you would want to leave already, after everything, it broke my heart. And I took it out on you, and I’m so, so sorry.”

“Posey, really, it’s okay.”

“And you had your interview, and I didn’t even call you to wish you luck! I’ve never felt this terrible in my life.”

“Okay, sweetheart,” my grandmother’s voice drifted over to me through the cloud of tears and curly red hair that was my cousin hugging me. “Let’s just calm down.”

Posey stepped aside, still holding my arm, and there was Mimi, looking every bit as regal and tall as always, but her face was a little tight. Was she still mad? Then she was pulling me into a hug of her own, and though her tears weren’t nearly as noisy as Posey’s, they shocked me much more.

“I’m so sorry, Iris. I should never have lashed out at you the way I did. It was unacceptable.”

“Will you guys stop apologizing?” I cried, pulling away from her. “I’m the one who should apologize.”

“Iris, there’s nothing wrong with going on an interview. We should have supported you—”

“I’m not talking about that.” I looked up into my grandmother’s face. She was so strong, so completely steady and reliable. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be just like her—someone who could be counted on.

“I should have been here more often over the last twelve years, Mimi. I should have been here for you and for Pops, and I’m so sorry.”

Apparently, we were each going to get a turn to cry on that dock because now big gulpy sobs were coming from my throat. “You were always so loving and welcoming to me, and I threw it back in your face. I stayed away, and I missed out on so much. I’ll never forgive myself for not being around for you and Pops.”

“Oh, sweetheart. Your grandfather and I always just wanted you to be happy. Wherever that might be.”

“Ladies?” I looked up to see that the last of the tourists were boarding the ferry, and Jerry was standing next to us, a crate in his arms. If he thought our behavior was odd, he didn’t give any indication. Instead, he tilted his head toward the gangway. “Did you want to get on this ferry? Because they’re pulling in the ropes.”

“Yes,” Mimi said, wiping her eyes. “We do.”

Posey shot me a quick, questioning look. “You, too?”

I slipped my arm through hers. “Of course. I need some advice, and there’s no one I’d rather talk to than the two of you.”

As we filed onto the boat, Jerry leaned down toward me. “Iris, I just want to warn you, there’s a chicken in this crate. I don’t want you getting scared again, dear.”

“I won’t, Jerry,” I assured him. “My fear of chickens was short-lived.”

My family and I found seats together near one of the windows on the starboard side. No sooner had we sat down did a familiar voice call out a hello. Libby and Sherry, her perm looking a little less tragic today, somewhat flattened by the wind, were sitting opposite us on the port side. They immediately got up and came over to join us, as did Jerry. Not quite the private moment I was hoping for to discuss all the thoughts spinning through my head.

“How’d the interview go?” Sherry asked. “Probably not so great if you’re back here already, huh?”

“How’d you know about the—” I started to say, but a quick glance at my grandmother had me shaking my head. I guessed I would be more surprised if the whole island didn’t know.

“So?” Libby asked. “Are you leaving us for the glitz of the big city? Come on, spill.”

Well. I had said I wanted the advice of my family. I supposed friends could be just as helpful.

So I told them all about the interview and my conversation with my dad. “And I just don’t know what to do now,” I finished. “Because the thought of going back to that kind of job makes me feel… well, tired, to be honest. And not very excited.”

“I don’t know,” Sherry said. “Living in Chicago sounds plenty exciting to me. We don’t even have cars.”

“I know,” I muttered. “Believe me, I know.”

“But it wouldn’t be exciting if it didn’t make you happy,” Libby pointed out.

“But it’s what I’ve been working toward,” I argued. “Doesn’t it seem wrong to waste all that effort?”

“I don’t think it would be a waste,” Posey said quickly. “I mean, you learned things over the years that could help you in lots of different ways. Like, ways that could totally come in handy if you lived, say, on the island.”

I grinned at her obvious attempts to convince me to come back for good. “Like what?”

“Well, look at how much of a help you were with the restaurant renovation.”

“I don’t really see a lot of opportunity to be a full-time real estate developer on the island.”

“No, but maybe all you need is one opportunity to develop something. A restaurant or a hotel or something. But this time, instead of moving on to the next deal, you could
run
that restaurant or hotel.”

I had never considered running one of the properties I’d worked on. The goal was always to sell, make money, and find the next opportunity.

“You were very helpful with the café books,” Mimi pointed out. “And now that Edward has poached my best manager, I’m a little short staffed.”

I tried to imagine a life of running the café. Would that be enough for me? Making sandwiches and selling coffee?
Not just that
, the little voice in my head chimed in.
You’d get to talk to customers, all the islanders that come in. You could implement all the improvements you’ve been itching to make. See if you could make things run better.

“I don’t know,” I murmured, mind spinning.

“I don’t think you
need
to know,” Mimi said gently. “I think maybe it’s enough to know that you have options. That you’re not trapped into any one thing.”

I looked over at my mom, who was watching me. What had she said back on the beach? She hadn’t known what she wanted to do, either, when she came to Lilac Bay. She just knew what she
didn’t
want.

“I could use some help at the farm,” Jerry offered, and I laughed.

“Thanks, buddy. But I don’t think I like chickens quite that much.”

“Well, I think you should turn it down,” Libby said staunchly. “It doesn’t sound like you got to enjoy too much of a social life back there. What’s the point of a high-paying job if you can’t even go out to lunch with your girlfriends?”

Funny, I’d never even had girlfriends until I met the Libbies.

“Besides.” She grinned mischievously. “I put you down to run the next meeting. You have one week to come up with a recipe.”

I laughed. “How about we cut to the chase, and I just bring a bunch of wine?”

“Works for me,” Sherry said.

I turned to my mother, the only one who hadn’t given an opinion. “What do you think I should do?”

She sighed, looking out the window at the fast-approaching island. “I want you to be happy, Iris,” she said softly, her eyes still on the island. “I want you to make whatever choice will make you happiest.” Then she turned to me, and I could see that her eyes were blazing with some unknown passion. Fierce. “But if I had my way? You’d move to Lilac Bay so you could be with your family.” Her face softened. “I would miss you so much if you left.”

A lump came to my throat, her words on the beach fluttering through my mind.
I’ve always wanted you with me. Always. I just couldn’t figure out how to get you back.
She reached over and took my hand, giving it a squeeze.

“I would miss you, too,” I whispered. “All of you. Probably way too much to even consider leaving.”

Posey’s face lit up. “Are you saying you’ll stay?”

“Hey, are you any good at cooking?” Jerry asked, completely oblivious to the special moment he was interrupting. “Because I hear Rose’s might be in need of a new chef already.”

There was a brief moment of silent as six female heads turned sharply in his direction. “What?” Posey cried.

“I thought you guys knew. David is thinking of moving to the mainland.”

“
What
?” This time all six of us gasped the question, and Jerry’s eyes widened with uncertainty.

“You didn’t hear that?”

“No,” my grandmother said, her voice tight. “I didn’t. And I would think he’d discuss it with Edward first.”

“Well, he did,” Jerry said. “That’s how
I
heard. I was making my delivery, and they were talking it over.” He patted my grandmother’s hand reassuringly. “Now, don’t you worry. He said if it came to pass, he’d give notice and make sure Edward had good help first.”

My heart was beating very fast. David moving to the mainland? That couldn’t be. He loved the island. Why would he leave?

“It’s okay, Iris,” Posey said in a gentle voice that made me wonder how stricken my face must look.

“Of course it’s not okay!” Sherry cried. “She just decided to move back and now the hottest piece of ass on the island is leaving!”

“Sherry, language!” Libby said, shooting an apologetic look at my grandmother.

“Well,” Mimi murmured, “she does rather have a point.”

The engines made that horrible grinding noise that indicated docking, and I was up and out of my seat before anyone else could even say a word.

“Iris!” Posey called after me. “What are you going to say to him?”

“I don’t know,” I called over my shoulder. “I just know I need to talk to him.”

“Go get him, girl!” Libby called.

“Yeah, and maybe share a little after you’ve got him!” Sherry added.

As soon as the gangway was down, I pushed past the dockworkers with a hurried apology, running down the dock, not even noticing how it moved under my weight. All I could think of was finding David and explaining things before he could make a decision that would change everything.

At the end of the dock, I was confronted with a choice. Go straight ahead to Main Street to see if he was at the restaurant? It wasn’t even noon yet, way too early to start for dinner. But he could be at any number of places in town and—

On impulse, I turned to the left and ran down the path to the marina. I skidded down the dock to his boat slip and cursed when I saw that
Love Spell
was gone.

“Oh, hey, Iris,” a familiar voice purred from a few slips away. I felt weak with relief as I turned to see Jill standing next to an older man I assumed to be a tourist. Very few people who lived on Lilac Bay would be dressed in seven-hundred-dollar Burberry wing tips.

“Oh, thank God,” I muttered. Because if there was anyone who might know where David was, it was Jill. “Have you seen David?”

Her face broke into a grin. “Have I ever! He was just here a few minutes ago, wearing those jeans I like.” She waggled her eyebrows at me. “You know the ones. And a T-shirt.” Another eyebrow waggle. “Very advantageous for untying his boat, you know what I’m saying?”

“Did you ask him where he was going?”

“He said something about Traverse City.” She pointed out into the bay. “He literally just left. You can still see his boat.”

I squinted across the water, shielding my eyes from the sun. Sure enough, there was a small white spot several hundred yards from the dock. Maybe if I could get back on the ferry before it turned around, I would get to shore within a few minutes of him.