Where Yesterday Lives (20 page)

A sob caught in her throat. “I love them, Frank. They’re the only family I have besides you. But when I’m with them I feel like a stranger. They don’t call me or write to me or ask me
about my life. It’s like I’m some kind of fixture in the room. They expect me to be there but they don’t expect me to say anything important or to feel hurt when they leave me out.”

“Amy I’m sure you don’t feel that way all the time. This is just a hard week. You’re all under a lot of pressure.”

Amy shook her head fiercely “No, it’s more than that. My father treated me the same way. Like a tagalong. You know, I tried to think of one time when Dad and I did something special together by ourselves, without any of the others, and I couldn’t remember one. Not one single time. I never said anything, never complained about being left out. So no one thought I had needs and hurts and feelings. Now I’m all grown up and I feel like an outsider in my own family.”

“They love you, Amy. Really, honey.” Frank stroked her shiny dark hair.

“I don’t know, Frank. Look at Jane, the way she treats me. You can’t think she really loves me. And Megan, she’s too caught up in her own life, just like Ellen. Aaron practically hates me because I stand up to him.”

“Your mother loves you. Don’t forget how much she cares.”

“I know.” She seemed calmer as she turned to Frank. “You know something strange? Even though I can’t think of any special times alone with my dad, he’s at the center of every happy childhood memory I have. I was such a serious kid, I might never have learned to laugh if it wasn’t for my dad.”

Suddenly she was crying again, and he pulled her close.

“Oh, Frank, I’m going to miss him so much.”

“I know, honey, I know.”

“Do you think he knew how much I loved him?”

“Of course, sweetheart. Of course he knew.”

“But I’m not sure I ever really told him. You know, in those exact words.”

“Amy, he knew. Believe me.”

She struggled to speak. “I loved him with all my heart. He was bigger than life, my hero, my daddy. Frank, he was my laughter. How am I going to live without him?”

Her sobs grew harder and Frank understood. They were coming from a place Amy did not visit often. And so it continued.

Hours after the others had forgotten about Amy’s hurt feelings, Frank held his wife close while she cried for the man who, long ago on a carefree yesterday, had taught her to laugh.

T
uesday morning a thick layer of gray clouds came off the bay and covered Petoskey making it unseasonably cool for July—and appropriately dismal. Just before eight o’clock Aunt Mary arrived in typical timely fashion, chattering about how good it was that everyone could be together to make plans for the funeral and what a wonderful support system they were for each other.

“I just know your mother will be so pleased, what with everyone back together under one roof. I’m sure you’ll all work well together, planning the service and making decisions for your mother. You know, this is one of those things where everyone really needs to make their suggestions and see them carried through because, well, after all he was …”

Ellen stopped listening and returned to the bathroom to finish her makeup. Aunt Mary meant well. It was just that the woman was hopelessly out of touch with the way they were feeling. Until Aunt Mary arrived, the three sisters had been lost in their private thoughts, savoring the heavy solitude and the relative lack of tension it afforded them.

Running a brush through her hair, Ellen stared at herself in the mirror. For an instant she wondered how much she had changed since she was in high school …back when Jake thought she was the prettiest girl in Petoskey She dismissed the thought as quickly as it had come.

She had long since perfected the art of disregarding thoughts about Jake. In the early days after she embraced
Christianity, Ellen learned from Scripture that the best way to steer clear of a weakness was to never entertain thoughts about it. Jake was her strongest weakness back then, so when thoughts of him came she refused to entertain them, recalling instead specific memory verses from the Bible.

Memory verses
. Ellen met her reflected gaze thoughtfully.
It’s been years since I’ve even tried to commit a Bible verse to memory
. For an instant she was pierced with guilt, but she shrugged that off as well.
Later. When I’m back home and things are settled. Then I’ll get back into the Word
.

She ran a dab of clear gloss over her lips and when she was satisfied with her appearance, she gathered her purse and a pad of paper. They had a long day ahead of them. It was one thing to make suggestions, and quite another to plan a funeral service. Ellen intended to take notes and help them stay on track so they could finish by the end of the day.

Her sisters were ready to go when she walked back into the main room. Jane was rattling off instructions for the children, advising Aunt Mary to call if there were any problems.

“Well probably come back for lunch, at least I will if I can get a ride.” Jane glanced at Megan. “Is that okay?”

“Sure, we can all come back for lunch. Well probably need a break by then, anyway.”

Ellen nodded. “Sounds good.”

She was not about to disagree over lunch plans. Not when they had so much to work through that day. The three sisters bid their aunt good-bye and left.

“She’s a talker,” Megan said as they walked to her parking space outside the building.

“Yes, that must be where Ellen gets it,” Jane added.

Normally Ellen would have laughed. There was no secret in the fact that she was a talker or that she had received a fair
amount of teasing for it over the years. But in light of Jane’s attitude the last few days, Ellen felt attacked. Still, she said nothing. There was more satisfaction in keeping peace.

Ellen looked at her sisters. “Is Amy coming? Did anyone call Mom and find out?”

Megan shook her head, but Jane snorted sarcastically “She’ll be there. That whole little demonstration last night was just a big play for attention. When Amy wants attention, Amy gets it.”

Her comments were met with silence. There was no point defending Amy when to do so would just bring further conflict. The ride to the Barrett home was quiet, and Ellen wondered if that was the secret to peace with her sisters. Simply stop talking.

They arrived at quarter past eight, just as Aaron appeared from his bedroom, shaved and showered. For the first time in two days he was not wearing his dark glasses. Five minutes later, Amy and Frank pulled up.

“Oh, thank God,” Mom muttered quietly She settled into one of the dining-room chairs and watched the couple make their way up the walk and into the house.

Ellen studied the room. Mom had arranged a circle of seating for the occasion. Aaron claimed the oversized stuffed chair, the one their father had always used, while Amy and Frank shared the sofa with Megan. Jane sat on a chair in the corner of the room and Ellen completed the circle by taking the chair between Aaron and their mother.

It felt good to gather for a reason, Ellen realized. It almost seemed to give them some sense of purpose. Since Sunday night she and the others had been helpless to do anything but talk about John Barrett’s terrible health and how his death could have been prevented and how relatively wonderful it was that he hadn’t suffered. Now …she studied the faces around her. Now they were ready to take action.

“Well.” Her mother’s voice was shaky but she managed a weak smile. “I’m glad you’re all here. We have a lot to plan and I want us to do it together. Your father would have wanted it that way.”

Ellen prepared to write as her mother flipped through several pages of notes and turned to the first page of a small booklet.

“The priest told me we can plan whatever kind of funeral service we want. I had no idea where to start so that’s one of the reasons I wanted you all here.”

Silence.

“Father Joe gave me this little book.” She held it high. “It gives us a guideline we can follow as we make decisions.”

“Father Joe?” Ellen asked.

“Yes. He’s new at St. Francis.”

“He’s not officiating at the funeral, is he?”

“I don’t know, Ellen. Do you have a problem with Father Joe?”

“Dad didn’t even know him,” Megan cut in.

“Yeah,” Ellen agreed. “Father Jim is the one Dad knew. He’s the one we brought cookies to when we went caroling, right?” She looked at Megan for support.

“Right, Father Jim. Mom, the funeral should be led by someone who knew him.”

Jane clucked her tongue. “Like it matters. The people at St. Francis don’t know each other, anyway.”

“It
does
matter,” Ellen said softly “We don’t want some guy up there saying how sad it is that John Barrett died, and, gee, it would have been nice if he’d known him. The minister in charge of a funeral should at least know something about the deceased.”

“He’s not a minister, he’s a priest,” Mom corrected.

“That’s not true, Jane.” Amy met her sister’s gaze. “I happen to know many of the people at St. Francis quite well.”

“Oh, sure you do.” Aaron shifted positions restlessly.

“Who cares who knows each other” at St. Francis?” Jane’s eyebrows met in the middle of her forehead and she glared at Amy. “I was just saying that it doesn’t matter who says the funeral.”

“I think it does.” Ellen was quiet but firm.

“Well, excuse me, Ellen.” Jane crossed her arms angrily and sat back hard. “Forget I said anything.”

“Come on, Jane.”
Control my tongue, Lord
, Ellen prayed. She waited a moment, calming herself. “Don’t take it personally It’s just that we should do our best to have Father Jim officiate the funeral because Dad knew him. I think it’s only right.”

Their mother wrote something on the pad of paper. “What about you Aaron, Amy? Do you think it matters who says the funeral?”

“Dad’s dead,” Aaron said simply. “He won’t know whether it’s Father Jim or Father Joe or Sam the Barber.”

Amy was silent.

Ellen looked at her brother curiously and was struck again by the emotions that must be warring inside of him.

“At least I’m not the only one,” Jane muttered. “I agree with Aaron. Who cares which priest says the funeral?”

Ellen looked around the circle at the faces of her family. “Whatever. If that makes everyone happy.” She stared at her blank notepad and tapped her pen nervously
Well, Lord, I’m obviously not prepared for this …
She had expected resistance from Jane, of course, but she had not planned on Aaron siding against her, too. “I just thought it would be nice to have someone who knew Dad say a few words at his funeral.”

“There’s nothing wrong with having someone who knew
your father speak about him at the funeral,” Mom said. “In fact, that’s something else I want to talk about. I think it would be wonderful if each of you could write something and read it at the funeral. We don’t have to discuss it yet but be thinking about the idea.”

“I’m not getting up in front of a bunch of people and reading something,” Amy announced. “No way”

“Me, neither,” Aaron said. “What’s the point?”

Their mother sighed. “It’s a chance to tell the world about your dad, who he was in your life. Maybe by doing so it’ll be easier to let him go.”

“I could write a book about him and it wouldn’t be easy to let him go,” Ellen said lightly. “But if you want us to do something like that I’m in. I love putting my feelings into words.”

Jane sneered. “I think we know that, Ellen.” She took on a high-pitched voice. “‘Ellen Barrett, the great writer’ I’m sure you’d love to write something about Dad and I’m sure you’d enjoy making the rest of us look bad while you were at it.”

“Jane! Stop that!” Mom ordered.

Ellen stared at Jane, astonished. Only a blind person could miss the hatred in her younger sister’s eyes.
Jesus, help us! This is such a disaster
. She drew a deep breath, then put a hand on her mother’s arm. “It’s okay, Mom. I’m under no delusions here. I know how Jane feels about me.”

Jane glared at Ellen but remained silent.

Their mother looked at each of them as they sat there. “What I’m saying is that, rather than having a priest do all the talking, I’d like you five children to help us remember who your father was and why we loved him. Don’t make any decisions about my idea one way or the other. Just think about it.”

Thankfully, the disagreements seemed to ease after that. They spent two hours discussing which Bible verses best
reflected their father, when they should be read during the service, and who should read them. They decided to stay with the twenty-third Psalm, a favorite of their father’s since he’d recited it aloud as valedictorian of his graduating class in college. Megan would read that passage.

“What about the Serenity Prayer?” Ellen asked. “Dad always liked that.”

“That’s not a Bible verse, Ellen. The priest wanted two Bible verses.” Jane’s tone was condescending, and Ellen had to fight the urge to slap her.

“Mom, did the priest want us to plan the service or not?” Ellen asked.

“Yeah,” Amy interjected. “He said we could plan it ourselves, right?”

Ellen realized that Amy was probably taking her side to annoy Jane, and the thought only raised Ellen’s anxiety level. Amy didn’t hold a grudge so much as she nursed it, breathing life into it as long as possible. After the fiasco the night before, Amy would be upset with Jane for months.

“Yes, Ellen, that’s right.” Mom’s tone was even as she answered. She seemed determined to remain unaffected by the tension in the room. “We can read whatever prayer or poem or Bible verse we’d like. Ellen, why don’t you read that prayer to us. Do you have it handy?”

“Yes, I jotted it down over the weekend in case we could use it.” She flipped through her notepad. “Here it is. ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.’”

There was a moment of silence.

“That sounds like Dad,” Aaron said finally, and Ellen raised an eyebrow in surprise. She had heard her brother talk more
that morning than in the past four years combined.