When Hari Met His Saali (22 page)

That night they had a late dinner at Hari’s house. It was a sober but yummy fair of
saag
and
makke ki roti.
Of course,
Badi Mama
and
Nana
had forced fed her the three different types of
laddoos
they had been making over the last few days with other ‘senior senior citizens’ — other Indian grannies of Mary’s friends.

The next day, Tia called a close-group meeting at the Malhotra place for short PowerPoint presentation, telling everyone in attendance what was going to happen at the engagement ceremony. Everyone was there: Barry, Mary,
Badi Mama, Nana
, Chitthi and Cindy, Jenny and Phil, and even Tia’s new acquisition — her assistant and intern, Joe. He was barely seventeen, a white American and looked fearful amongst these non-Americans.

As per Tia’s instructions, he distributed a small pad and a pen to everyone so everyone was ready and eager to take notes.

‘So first, the guests, including the close group — that is you all here — will be in the banquet hall by six p.m. Everyone will be seated to already marked tables. The DJ … umm … DJ … Shameless, yes, yes, that’s his name, will already be playing music. The videographer and the photographer will be filming …’

She took a tentative pause … and then continued.

‘Wine and hord de … hors de … the appetizers will be served and then myself and Hari will make an entry. We will be seated with our respective families. Then the DJ will start the entertainment program which will last for forty minutes.’

She looked around the room to see if there were any questions. There were none.

‘And then for the last twenty minutes a surprise performance will take place, after which the rings will be exchanged between Hari and myself and then we will cut the cake. The champagne will be uncorked and the bar will open and then dinner will be served. Post that the DJ will continue and everyone will dance the night away!’

Tia explained the whole program with the same intensity she had when she had pitched to the Jewish Heritage Committee in New York. There was silence in the room. Simi was in awe of her sister.

What command, what control! Even the elderly people in the family are silent and hanging onto her every word.

‘Anything else?’ Tia asked. Everyone looked around.

‘I thought you were noting down questions,’ she said, still striding in front of the screen.

Ding!
Hari’s mobile dinged loudly. He quickly fished it out. It was more trivia.

Hari’s Trivia # 402: Engagement and wedding rings are worn on the fourth finger of the left hand because it was once thought that a vein in that finger led directly to the heart.

‘No waaay! I didn’t know that!’ he screamed as he read it.

Tia was annoyed at him … again.

He realized it was bad timing but he had a valid excuse.

‘The server was down for days and I’m getting all the notifications at once. You … you should read this …’

Mary jumped in to save her son from the wrath of Tia.

‘Ah, Tia
bete
, I had requested you to possibly bring the Chabbra’s to the front table because they have mostly elderly people.’

‘Yes Mary, if you’ll check the updated table chart, you’ll see that the Chabbras have been moved from section E-12 to A-01. Anything else?’ Tia looked around the room like a teacher, and, like scared students, everyone shook their heads!

‘Joe, wrap it up. Hari, I need to speak to you!’

Tia snapped her fingers at Joe who was in the middle of a yawn but managed to jump to his feet.

That night — Tia’s Apartment

Simi was all alone at Tia’s place. It was the first night she had been alone since she had arrived in Los Angeles. The days had whizzed past so quickly that she had not spoken to her mom since that first day of arrival. She was about to call her mother on the mobile phone Tia had given her, when Tia came home. Something was wrong. She was upset.

‘
Kya hua, di
… Tia?’ Simi asked, concerned.

‘I am marrying a number one asshole, that’s what is wrong!’ Tia tossed a large shopping bag onto the couch.

‘Calm down, you can’t be so emotionally upset a day before your engagement. You have to be happy,’ Simi said, once again dispensing her Nagpur-style relationship advice.

‘You know what he has done now? We had decided to dress in matching colors, so I got a gown for myself in cream and he was told to get a tuxedo in cream as well. But guess what?’ Tia actually waited for Simi to guess …

‘He decided, without consulting me, this evening, to wear a black tuxedo! A black tuxedo, can you imagine?’ Tia was hyperventilating.

Actually, Simi couldn’t imagine. She was having a hard time understanding what all the fuss was about!

‘What am I going to do?’ Tia put her head in her hands.

Simi scratched her head and eventually came up with: ‘You know black goes with everything!’

‘No it doesn’t, and everyone is going to be in black. There’s nothing new there!’ Tia was still fuming. ‘Plus, you know that at the ceremony before he puts a ring on my finger he is supposed to give me flowers … roses … right?’

Simi nodded.

‘Now, what color scheme are we having for our ceremony?’ she asked Simi.

‘Pink, champagne pink?’ Simi muttered apprehensively.

‘See, even you know that! And what color roses does he choose to give me? Red! Can you believe that, Red? Red roses are going to look so cheap!’ Tia had tears in her eyes.

‘Red roses can be romant …’ Simi tried pacifying her but this was not about what Simi thought, she was merely a prop. She didn’t get the chance to finish.

‘And you know what else? I have been telling him, not even asking but telling him, to change his relationship status on Facebook to
in a committed relationship
for the longest time, but he didn’t. And I thought, OK fine, he’ll do it when we get engaged. I don’t want to seem silly. So for the past two months I’ve been requesting him to change it to
engaged
, at least now! But he won’t. He just won’t!’ Tia was thumping her fist on the couch as she spoke.

Simi felt like laughing. She thought it was sort of an urban joke that couples fought over their Facebook relationship status, but seeing how serious Tia was she dared not to laugh.

‘Oh c’mmon Tia, Facebook is stupid. Why give it so much importance?’

‘I know it’s stupid and I am not that shallow, but people who know me and are my friends must be wondering why Hari is not committing to … to … an
engaged to Tia Galhotra
status on Facebook. They must be thinking something is not right if Hari is not publicly accepting me and linking his profile to my profile. Oh, and you know what, he is not even my friend on Facebook. I
have sent him friend requests like a zillion times, but he never accepts!’ Tia was speaking as if she was possessed.

She walked to her laptop and fired it up. She actually showed her Facebook profile to Simi. But then something happened to Tia as she slumped in the chair, exhausted.

‘It’s so like Hari. I think he does that to torment me! You know how much I have spent on this dress?
Apne
Nagpur
ka ghar ek saal chal sakta hai jitna
, thats how much!’ Tia had inadvertently told Simi that her dress was so expensive that it would have paid Simi and her mother’s household bills in Nagpur for an entire year.

That really hurt Simi and she became visably withdrawn. Tia suddenly realized how hurtful she had just been.

She started crying. ‘Sorry, Sim, I didn’t mean it to sound that way.’

‘This is very unlike you,’ Simi said, concealing her tears. ‘Who cares if you’re not seen as being engaged to him on Facebook? Who cares what he wears for the engagement? What’s really happening, Tia? What are you so upset about?’

Tia turned to her with an expression that said she had been waiting for her to ask this for the longest time.

‘What am I doing here, Simi?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I miss Papa, Sim …, and I miss Mom too,’ she said, hugging her sister.

There had been a lot of hugging between Tia and Simi lately. Mostly initiated by Tia, and mostly while she was crying.

‘Then why don’t you just talk to her? You know she misses you too!’ Simi was desperate to help Tia.

‘Really? She does?’

‘Of course she does! Let me Skype her right now. We’ll both talk to her!’ Simi turned the laptop around.

‘No, let it be, Simi. What is she going to feel after all these years?’ Tia felt conflicted.

‘What is she going to feel? She’ll feel happy; she’s your mother, Tia!’ Simi had already logged into her Skype account.

Tia turned to face Simi. ‘Did she ever say why she was mad at me?’

‘Did you ever tell me why you were so mad at her?’ Simi asked Tia with equal intensity.

There was a sort of standoff between their silences. And when neither was ready to back down, their mother came to the rescue, literally. She was on Skype, on the laptop screen behind Simi.

‘Is that you, Simi? Hello, Hello!’

She was screaming and then she said to someone off screen, which could be still heard:

‘I think your computer is broken. I cannot see Simi. Do you think because it’s night and she is asleep?’

That someone off screen explained in a very hassled way to Simi’s mother — who was animatedly hassled and could be seen on the screen:

‘
Auntyji
, it’s like a phone with a camera. It doesn’t matter if it’s night there!’

‘Simi, Simi
bete
,’ her mother started screaming into the microphone, as if she was calling out to Simi from her ground floor window.

Simi and Tia looked at each other and both burst out laughing.

‘You better talk to her before she wakes up the people at Skype!’ Tia said, pushing Simi in front of the webcam.

‘Hi, Mom, Tia is here and wants to talk to you,’ Simi said as soon as she sat down.

And then she somehow managed to get Tia in front of the webcam. When Tia sat down and came face-to-face with her mother there was awkwardness, but both of them had tears in their eyes. As their conversation gradually picked up with the same familiarity they had long-lost, Simi withdrew to her bedroom.

She felt she should let Tia and her mother work out whatever issues they had. She shut her door and then looked through her bags. She knew that everyone was wearing Western outfits for the engagement party, and although she was planning to wear the KP dress her eyes fell on the beautiful sari her mother wanted her to wear. She decided that she’d wear it. She also decided that she would wear the Western outfit for Tia’s wedding. She didn’t know how long Tia and her mother talked for because she was happy and was soon asleep.

Later, in the other bedroom, Tia was unable to sleep. She didn’t like the fact that Simi saw her vulnerable side. She was also nervous, scared, anxious, and numb about the ceremony the next night.

This is not the time to be sad. As Simi mentioned, I have to be the happiest person in that banquet hall. And I will be.

Over at the Malhotra house, Hari was fiddling with his mobile phone. There was some problem with his email as well as with his text messages. The internal memory of the phone was running really low; even his trivia notifications were coming in very delayed. He took an hour to clean up his
phone by discarding a number of apps and games. After that, his phone was clean as a whistle and was working like clockwork.

How blessed am I?
He thought as he went off to sleep with a naughty, silly grin on his face, his dear mobile phone next to his head, like a child sleeping with his favorite teddy bear.

It was not like he wasn’t conscious of the engagement ceremony. He was definitely thinking about the time he was going to spend with Tia in the wedding suite at the hotel. The way Tia had gushed about it he was sure it was going to be a memorable night. All he had to do now was
not
get drunk at the ceremony.

Since Simi had arrived, it had become the norm for her and Tia to sit up late at night chatting. They had shared everything with each other — past, present, future, even their fears and ambitions. Both had been glad to have each other to talk to; after all, blood is thicker than water. But tonight was the first time they had gone to sleep without having a chat.

The next morning Simi woke up refreshed. She was still waking up like she used to in Nagpur; ready to fill the water buckets, heat the milk and everything, but now she was becoming American. She was starting her day with a curse.

‘Holy shit! Why doesn’t anybody wake me up here?’

This morning she even blurted out: ‘Oh fuck, Tia’s engagement is today.’ She felt alive, being able to say such words.

When she rushed out into the living room she saw a Post-it note from Tia. It said:

Gone to the hotel. Will see you at the venue. Wish me luck — Tia.

Simi had the house to herself. She was determined that today she was going to win the battle with the bathtub and actually have a lingering bath. With determination she went back to her bedroom.

Meanwhile at Malibu Beach Club

Tia had arrived with
three
large suitcases of clothes, make-up and everything else at the bridal room at the Malibu West Beach Club.

Usually for a six p.m. event the bridal room was made available at around noon. Six hours was enough time for any bride to get ready. But Tia was here now, at six-thirty a.m., almost twelve hours before her ceremony. The hotel staff scrambled around and called Minto, who was not surprised that it was Tia waking him up so early.

As Tia impatiently waited with her suitcases, the room was finally opened and she was let in. She swiftly, and with military precision, went into action. She stuck her Getting Ready schedule onto the mirror. It was broken down according to what she needed to do every hour in order to be ready on time by six-fifteen p.m.

At six-thirty p.m. a hotel car would drive her to the front gate of the property where she would get into the limousine Hari would arrive in.

At six forty-five p.m. sharp they would make their joint entrance into the banquet room.

She had one errand to run at around noon but other than that Tia thought she probably had enough time to look like the most beautiful bride … at her engagement!

Over at Tia’s place, Simi was ready in her sari. She had struggled with the six yards of that sari like a WWE wrestler, but finally managed to get it on properly. She thought she looked OK in it, but today was not her day so she discarded the thought of changing into her designer dress. At least this way she could make her mother happy.

Tia’s gift was wrapped and ready. Everything was on time except that it was four p.m. and no one had come to pick her up. According to Tia’s schedule, Simi should have been at the club by now. She thought of calling Hari or Tia, but didn’t because she did not want to disturb them.

An hour later, by which time she had sweated bullets in her sari because she thought everyone had forgotten about her, she finally called Mary.

Two hours later — Malibu Beach Club

When Simi finally reached the venue she went straight to see Tia in the bridal room, but Joe was keeping a guard outside the door.

‘Sorry, Ma’am, I have been instructed not to allow anyone into the room,’ he told Simi strictly.

‘Please tell her that her sister is here. I just want to see how pretty she looks?’ Simi pleaded.

Joe knocked on the door to check and when Tia saw Simi all she wanted to ask her was:

‘How do I look? How do I look?’

‘Wow Tia, you look absolutely gorgeous!’ Simi said, noticing that Jenny was in the room with Tia.

‘But Tia, what happened to the dress you were originally going to wear?’ Simi said, noticing that Tia was wearing a different colored dress.

‘If Hari is wearing a black tuxedo then I am going to wear this. I went to Nordstrom and brought it this afternoon. Isn’t it pretty?’ Tia gushed.

Simi saw how happy Tia was and just nodded. Her original cream dress was lying crumpled on the bed. Simi also noticed that Tia had put an elaborate
mehendi
on both of her hands. It was not on Tia’s schedule. What Simi didn’t know was that Tia wanted to be the only one with
mehendi
and had it done secretly. Simi would have loved to have the henna on her hands, as any sister
to the bride would, but she didn’t want to make a fuss and just admired it.

It looks so good on her fair skin.

‘OK, we’ll see you later!’ Tia said, rushing Simi out of the room and shutting the door on her.

Simi felt a little neglected because Tia didn’t even mention her sari or how she looked at all. Also, she had let Jenny stay in the room, but not her. But she took it in her stride, reminding herself that it was not her day today.

Just before six p.m. — Banquet Hall

The banquet hall was filling up with guests. DJ Shameless was keeping the mood lively. Wine was being served and appetizers were being gorged on already. Simi was sitting with
Badi Mama
and
Nana.
They both looked so pretty in their Punjabi suits and with a little make-up on. She thought they were so happy to see Hari get engaged, but mostly they were happy to be having wine with no moaning from Mary or Barry.

The only people Simi knew at the ceremony apart from Hari’s family were Chitthi, Cindy and Phil, but she couldn’t mingle with them as Mary had deposited her purse, her bag, her house keys and her car keys with her and she was responsible for their safety. So she sat there with the grannies as the others mingled around.

Exactly at six-fifteen p.m.

Tia was driven to the front gate of the club to get into the limousine Hari was waiting in. But when she got into the back seat of the car she saw that Hari was wearing a tuxedo, but not a
black
tuxedo like they decided. He was wearing a cream one.

‘Hari, what the hell?’ were Tia’s first words.

‘What? Don’t I look handsome in this? I even gelled my hair!’ Hari announced innocently.

‘No! You were going to wear a black tuxedo and that’s why I went this afternoon and got this green dress to match it! Why are you wearing a cream one now?’ Tia was almost having a nervous breakdown.

‘Tia dear, I wanted to wear a black one, but you fought with me last night and said that you had a cream dress to go with a cream tux, so I went and rented this one,’ Hari couldn’t see what the problem was, yet.

‘Now our outfits are horribly mismatched! Why didn’t you tell me you were switching colors? Oh my God … its too late for me to change back into
the original dress I was going to …’ Tia wanted to cry but she used all her might not to let the tears flow down her face.

She was worried that her make-up would be ruined.

Same time — Banquet Hall

DJ Shameless asked everyone to take their
assigned seats.
Simi moved away from Mary’s table and sat at the one assigned to her. Next to her was a throne-like chair for Tia. Mary, Barry,
Badi Mama, Nana
were on another table. Next to them was a similar throne-like chair where Hari would sit. Hari’s friends Chitthi, Cindy and Phil were on a table with Stephan and Clara.

Simi looked around the hall. Everyone was waiting for the grand entry of Tia and Hari. Minto had just rolled in the three-tier cake with the help of waiters the serving staff (Tia had reprimanded Simi many times for referring to waiters as waiters; they should be called servers. In America that was the norm. It was more respectful).

The cake looked colorful and was so perfect that it looked plastic. She couldn’t wait to taste it. The cutlery, the tablecloths, the napkins, the plates were spotless. There were freshly cut flowers on each table.

It was like a high-profile celebrity event, with Minto and his staff moving around with secret-service-style communication devices in their ears and on their sleeves. Minto got the message that Tia and Hari were going to enter. He signaled to Shameless, stationed at the other end of the hall on a dais.

‘And now, ladies and gentlemen,’ the DJ announced, ‘the hero and heroine of tonight: Tia and Haaari!’

Everyone stood up clapping as they looked towards the door.

The lights were dimmed and a spotlight shone on the entrance.

The anticipatory music was playing. Everyone waited for the grand arrival.

A moment later Hari entered leading Tia with his hand. One look at Tia, flashing a brilliant smile (which she had practiced in the mirror for months and so much that she came to the conclusion that her right profile photographed better and hence the photographers and videographers were asked to be on that side of her) and Simi became emotional.

Tia looked even more beautiful than when she had seen her in the bridal room, if that was even possible. Simi discreetly wiped her tears.

A little girl — whom Tia had handpicked from the many potential granddaughters of Mary’s family friends — advanced towards Tia and Hari with a bouquet of yellow roses. When she reached them she was supposed
to hand them over to Tia to welcome her, but Hari (because he was not there at the rehearsals) bent down to receive the flowers. Tia, even though all eyes were on them, pinched his arm discreetly to indicate that the flowers were meant for her. She still acted surprised to receive the bouquet. She even pinched the little girl’s cheeks. She had the whole thing rehearsed so that it looked natural and unrehearsed.

As they walked towards their tables Tia had to pull Hari in the right direction. He had no clue where she was supposed to be sitting.

Damn it Hari, don’t ruin it. Sit me down first and then go to your chair.

Hari got the hint and sat Tia down on the chair next to Simi. Since Tia had only Simi from her family, the two sisters were the only ones at their table.

Once Tia and Hari were seated on their respective thrones, the clapping stopped and everybody sat down again. Simi squeezed Tia’s hands.

‘Tia, you look absolutely amazing!’ to which Tia curtly replied: ‘Did you see Hari? He rented a tuxedo, he is looking like a joker!’

Tia was more concerned about whether Shameless was adhering to the program and timelines she had given him. He was doing well so far.

A little later

The entertainment program concluded with a short dance show by some children. Mary and her friends had choreographed it. Tia hated it, of course, and couldn’t wait for it to be over.

Look at all those moms taking videos of their kids with their stupid smartphones. Put them down, nobody watches that shit. It’s so lame.

At the end of the dance DJ Shameless had an announcement.

‘Now we have a surprise performance by none other than Tia’s sister, Simi!’

Tia spun her head around to look at Simi. This was not part of her scheduled program. Everyone was clapping as Simi stood up and walked to the dais. Shameless handed her the microphone.

‘Please, please do not embarrass me!’ Tia muttered to herself as she closed her eyes.

‘I just want to sing a few lines from a Hindi song for Tia,’ Simi said into the microphone, but was holding it too far away from her mouth. Shameless brought it up closer to her.

Simi would surprise everyone, including Tia, with her rendition of the old but famous sister song.

‘
Phoolon ka taaron ka, sabaka kehana hai. Ek hazaaron mein meri behanaa hai. Sari, umar, hamen sang rehana hai … Phoolon …
’

Hari had casually moved over to Chitthi’s table and was drinking and doing shots with them. Tia was watching his movements like a hawk.

Simi had secretly practiced this song since she came from Nagpur and she gave it her all during the live performance. Even though the song wasn’t familiar to many its emotional lyrics, coupled with the feeling in her voice, touched everyone’s heart. Even Tia had tears in her eyes. Simi held hers back until she finished the song. At the end she got a standing ovation.

Simi walked back to the table and hugged Tia.

After the song, Shameless was ready to introduce Xavier.

‘For the final performance of the night, I invite the mysterious illusionist and hypnotist, all the way from India … Miiiister Xaaaaaavier!’

Xavier appeared wearing a long robe, large fake rings and pendants around his neck. He was old but he had the presence of a seasoned performer. He had done these shows thousands of times. He started his set with a couple of humorous lines.

‘You know, I get invited to the events where people are getting married, are getting engaged, are celebrating their anniversaries and such. And they invite me mostly because the couple doesn’t want to be left alone. It’s dangerous.’

He got a few laughs for that one, so he continued.

‘You know, marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.’ For this, he got plenty of laughs.

‘But I’ll tell you this, the secret to a happy marriage is …’ he paused to build anticipation.

‘… is still a secret. There hasn’t been a single happy marriage to date, so nobody knows!’ he concluded to much applause.

As Xavier went on, over at Chitthi’s table the liquor shots were free flowing. Chitthi was the only one listening to Xavier.

‘Who’s this guy? These are old Internet jokes.’

‘Tia found him from somewhere,’ Hari answered, downing his fifth shot.

‘Slow down, Hari,’ Jenny warned, smiling at Hari.

‘Hey, it’s all Tia’s show, I am just a spectator here,’ Hari spurted out. The tinge of sadness in his voice was not lost to his friends.

Then Xavier called an elderly couple up to the dais.

‘How long have you been married, Sir?’ he asked the man.

‘Umm … forty-five years,’ the elderly husband replied.

‘You could’ve just said too long!’ Xavier replied.

Again the guests laughed. Xavier then put a pair of large headphones onto the elderly man’s head.

‘These are soundproof headphones, now he can’t hear us,’ he told the audience, moving the elderly wife next to him.

‘Sir, are you happy because finally you can’t hear your wife talking?’ he asked the man animatedly.

The elderly man couldn’t hear a word, but saw everyone laughing and so he nodded.

‘He looks too happy,’ Xavier said to the wife. ‘I am going to hypnotize him and then he’ll do whatever I tell him to do, and he’ll keep doing it until I use the release word and snap my fingers. Now, what would you like your husband to do?’