After regaining the little she had lost of her composure, she said, “Oh, sweetie, there must always be a balance. Good and bad, yin and yang, night and day. All those clichés. I got the poor side of the deal, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. Every hour I get to sift through such beautiful pain, while your love is on the opposite side of the spectrum. She should be more grateful.”
Ashlinn was still looking at the indistinguishable floor, and I would have thought she was frozen if it weren’t for the little twitch she gave when Semira sarcastically barked out the word love. She got to hear that word from her before me. The dreadful woman wouldn’t stop talking.
“Even if I did lighten up, there would still be nothing but nightmares and no one to make the pleasant dreams. Ashlinn knows this; returning to our realm is inevitable. Think of all the mothers who can no longer wish their children ‘sweet dreams’ before bed.”
As Semira glided toward us, Ashlinn wrapped her arms around me. She was muttering the word sorry over and over, and I wasn’t certain who this apology was directed at. The old woman stopped and crossed her arms.
“You think I can’t judge you, that I don’t know you, but does she?” Semira jabbed her finger in my direction as she spoke to Ashlinn. “How can you think she loves you if she doesn’t even know you?”
I was shaking my head until Ashlinn placed her hand in my hair and leaned me against her shoulder. Her lips touched the top of my head as Semira’s voice hit us from every angle, still sounding as if it were resonating off absent walls.
“Your girlfriend will suffer. There is no reason for her not to succumb to my night terrors, and you know it. You’ve seen her as monsters unfurl behind closed eyes. You’ve seen her helpless. If you remain human those visions will be coming for both of you. Now I can see your fears too, Ashlinn. Don’t forget that.”
As she spoke the room transformed, and Ashlinn jumped away from me in surprise, jostled by the changing setting. Mirrors rose from the shaking floor, concealing Semira behind them. They arranged themselves in front of us in a sort of half-octagonal shape. It reminded me of changing rooms in high-end clothing stores.
We were reflected in all of them, but only Ashlinn’s reflection was honest. In every mirror I stood next to her but was different each time. My actual actions had no control over the doings of this evil twin.
In the first one, I was angled away from her with a bottle of pills, downing them as if they were Skittles. In the next I merely stood there, staring straight ahead with hollow eyes jutting out from dark circles. My arms dangled limply, and the whole picture was zombie-like.
The images got progressively sicker from left to right as my false reflection began making contact with Ashlinn. I was shown shoving at her angrily and turning away repeatedly, leaving bruises and God knows what else.
The last mirror disgusted me so much I couldn’t settle on whether to vomit or cry, and just ended up standing there, paralyzed. I wanted to hold Ashlinn, to promise it was all an illusion, but that seemed impossible after viewing such a sight.
There I was, biting at Ashlinn’s neck and rubbing up against her, my hands finding their way down her stomach and toward her crotch. My reflection wasn’t being kind about it. Ashlinn never claimed to be sex-repulsed, but this was masked molestation. The false Victoria must have heard a disapproval of some sort, because the next thing I knew a hand was coming across Ashlinn’s face in a manner that could never be construed as gentle. It was impossible to look at and I almost wanted to saw off my own hands in punishment.
The whole time, Ashlinn’s reflection remained true to how she was standing, and her face looked half-dead as she watched. Empty eyes and stoic chin. No escape.
“Stop it!” I screamed, just like Ashlinn had after my false shooting. “Stop this right now!”
Ashlinn gasped and looked to me with an absolutely shattered expression, her no-longer-dead eyes sparking with fear, and began holding up a hand as if to stop me, but it was too late. A creaky voice said, “Okay,” and the dream began to crumble apart. It disintegrated into gray birds and flew away, leaving me awake. And completely alone.
MY HANDS
fumbled through the sheets that still smelled of summer from when Ashlinn had lain in them however long ago, and I threw the comforter around viciously in the dark.
No. God, no.
And that’s when I saw it: her sundress lying limp and crumpled in the space she had previously occupied.
It couldn’t end like that. I refused to let everything be over. Surely Ashlinn would come back soon and explain everything. She’d visit me in a dream; maybe the whole thing was just a nightmare, and she was downstairs right now.
My body wasn’t as hopeful as my mind, judging by the tears blurring this emptier world. Just another case of me unintentionally making things more difficult for myself. I grabbed a flashlight, regardless of the fact I could turn on the lights, and began running around the house praying she’d be hiding out somewhere. I never even got to say a proper good-bye, and now the last image to remember her by was a haunting one. I’d have flashbacks to that moment forever.
Those images, the despair on Ashlinn’s face—it all kept flickering behind my eyes like something out of a children’s flip-book. Every heartbeat was infected with the memory, spreading it through my body like a poison.
She told me she loved me.
I barely made it to the bathroom before I began vomiting. My body turned back on itself and every muscle was trying to snap as my midriff inverted. Talking to Semira had been a horrible decision. Ashlinn was gone, and we didn’t even get to part on a positive note, our last moment tainted by the unspeakable. Maybe what I never got to say would manifest itself in my hopes. That way she’d see them when sorting through dream material.
Did she know I loved her too? She had to. My belief was the only proof, though.
If she could forgive me, I would consider forgiving myself. There was nothing left but to carry on, although that didn’t mean I wanted to do it. Being sick in the bathroom got me started cleaning, allowing myself a chunk of time to recuperate. The garbage can of medicine was still standing in the darkened corner, mocking me. From the bathroom I stumbled downstairs and into the living room, still on a hopeless search.
There lay the pile of blankets from the other night, and I collapsed into them, whispering her name as I gave myself over to debilitating sobs. That night was so happy and so recent, but this last dream was acting as a barrier in my memory. How could I ever recall Ashlinn’s astonishment at Gene Kelly when her horrified eyes were still on my mind? She couldn’t be gone; this couldn’t be it for my love life.
Every patter against the window or gust of wind turned into her tread to my ears, but she didn’t come to take me into her arms. There were to be no more conversations or soul baring in person. No more Reeves. Even if she still came to me in dreams, touching her would never be the same. While crying every tear my body had to offer, I made up my mind to down some Nyquil—maybe if I could dream she’d visit me there—but when I calmed and my tears were a mere trickle, this idea became tasteless again. She said I deserved better than the drugs. I could respect that. After all, everything else Ashlinn told me had been worthwhile.
It was nearing morning and the world seemed to be thrumming painful tunes. The time I had spent asleep wasn’t life-changingly long, and yet in that time, the dearest parts of me were snatched away. People should come prepackaged, with handy little labels.
Warning: This person will show you that you aren’t a freak. They will make you feel loved. Then they will leave.
I was exhausted, but there was no chance of falling back asleep, not that I had a great desire to do anything other than lie down and wallow in despair. I was nothing but hormones and bad judgment.
“Come back,” I whispered to the suffocating air. “Please.”
Only the morning birds responded with distant chirping until motorcycles began revving at this ungodly hour, their roar silencing the song.
If only I could fall asleep. Make me into a computer to turn on and off until dreams of her form.
It was funny. I almost wanted to call Ellie. Tell her how it had finally happened: my first heartbreak. We could throw a party to mark my entrance into womanhood. Not that she counted what Ashlinn and I had as a proper relationship anyway. Avoiding that phone call was probably for the best, although she was much more well versed in matters of love than I could ever dream of being.
From my prison of sheets, I began wondering what day it even was. Monday? How long had she even been here? I thought back to the nights we had spent together and came to a numbing realization.
Mother!
I was running out of time to clean everything up. How the hell did I forget my mother would be coming back? Was today really the day? I counted off the nights in my bed. One, two, shit. Today was the day.
The collapsed blanket fort was weirdly comfortable, the closest thing I had to Ashlinn, but not putting the sheets and pillows back would lead to questions. My mentality was slowly improving, but even the most stoic person wouldn’t be able to weather a cross-examination about this. Best to get rid of the evidence.
With the occasional break when my tears returned full force for a few minutes, I did away with the remnants of the fort and the scattered popcorn, as well as tidied the pots in the sink. The last two days might as well have been as imaginary as my dreams of her. Only the sundress knew the truth. That got folded without washing and stuck in the corner of my sock drawer. To Mother it would appear that the world was unchanged, that very little happened to me, just like last month and the one before that.
The thought of having to make small talk in an hour or so wasn’t palatable. How could I fake some neutrality and talk about the weather after having finally understood why people were so crazy in their search for love? I wasn’t even angry or pained anymore. It all just boiled down to the fact that I missed Ashlinn. People couldn’t possibly get over things like this.
And so I sat on the couch and turned on the television in an attempt to appear as I usually would, only to find the
Singin’ in the Rain
menu was still filling the screen. Without thinking, I hit Play, and once again the tears came, although they were courteous enough to hold out until after the opening number.
They were unobtrusive and only increased in quantity and not violence with every scene that passed. Mother returned before “If You,” a fact for which I will never be grateful enough, and didn’t even question the crying. It wasn’t the first time she had found me in such a state, and she undoubtedly assumed I was upset about “missing” my auditions. Guilty much?
I suspected she never knew what to do, but her reaction wasn’t bad. She sat down next to me and leaned my head against her chest where I cried softly until there was nothing left but heavy air and a dizzying amount of lonely tomorrows. When I looked up, the television was black.
That was a clockwork day. Emotionlessly, I floated through the house trying to appear normal while willing the night to come more quickly. That was my only chance. With day clothes on my body and freshly brushed teeth, I looked like a passable human. Now I just needed someone to appreciate it. What was Ashlinn doing at that moment? She could have been building castles in the minds of kindergarteners or reliving past loves with some old man in a nursing home. She was creating wonders while I pitied myself in my room. Maybe she was better off alone. Not that she’d ever actually be alone; she had Reeves.
The carnation was beyond dried up where it sat on my bedside table, and I feared it would crumble if I so much as breathed on the thing. I could always retrieve the dress to reminisce with, but that just seemed a bit too piney for my tastes. Instead, I lay on the floor, ignoring my bed, and stared at the ceiling. If I were a boy from some coming-of-age movie, I’d be tossing a baseball up and down endlessly. There were so many things to worry about—the results of my audition and Mother’s mental state, to name just two—but the only cares flittering through my mind revolved around Ashlinn.
This could have gone on for who knows how long, but while in this pathetic horizontal state, my cell phone rang. And rang. It couldn’t possibly have been anything important—there were no phones wherever Ashlinn was—but it just wouldn’t stop. Probably some telemarketer.
With a groan, I sat up and flung my hand on the bedside table until I found the vibrating menace. Written across the screen in big white letters was
Ellie
.
Back into the fray.
“What?” I asked after picking up, my tone harsher than I’d like to admit.
“Whoa there, grumpster. Sorry if this is coitus interruptus or something. Jeez, I was just wondering if you and Ashlinn still wanted to be my cheering squad for the tattoo tomorrow.”
Another thing I’d forgotten about. Great.
“Ashlinn isn’t here anymore,” I choked out the words like they were blocking my air.
“Where is she, then? In case you’ve already forgotten, I do have a car. We can pick her up.”
“No, I mean she’s gone away for good. I don’t think I’m ever going to see her again.”
“Oh no, hon. I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it? I can come over there right now, watch me. And I’ll bring ice cream. That bitch.”
“Please don’t say that. I’m fine. It’s not her fault. I don’t like ice cream. Really, I’m okay.”
The last thing I needed was for her to come over and begin grilling me for the details. I could just imagine the scenario:
Where did she go?
Ellie would ask.
Oh, I don’t know. Just some sort of nether spheric layer of the universe where people walk through the minds of others and anything can be created from nothing. No big deal.
Ellie didn’t seem like she believed a word of my excuse.
“Mhm. Well, you’re not getting out of coming with me tomorrow in that case.”