Waiting for Morning (38 page)

L
AMENTATIONS
3:17

They met in a thicket of trees just outside the courthouse some two hours before the verdict. Neither of them wanted to be seen together. Especially praying together.

Heads bowed, voices soft, they lifted their direst concerns to the Lord. Finally, they thanked him for whatever he was about to do. It was getting late, and there were people moving in and out of the courthouse. They sat on opposite sides of the bench, silent.

“Are you nervous?” She studied him. This might be their last conversation outside prison walls.

He shrugged. “It was a quick verdict. Could mean an acquittal.” His eyes stayed down and he picked nervously at the rough skin around his fingernails.

“You don’t look happy.”

He shot her a quick glance. “I’m not.”

She nodded. That was understandable. A person could be spirit-filled and still be unhappy.

“In some ways I wanna serve time.” He drew a shaky breath. “If they let me walk … I’ll never be able to face her.”

“You’re not in control here, Brian.”

“I know, I know. We’ve been talking about it, me and the Lord.”

“Just do what’s right. God will take care of the rest.”

He looked at his watch. “I have to meet my lawyer.”

She stood and gathered her purse. “I’ll be praying.”

Jenny’s hands trembled as she sat at the breakfast table. It was verdict day—for Brian Wesley and for her. She stared at the soggy cornflakes in front of her, but she could see her mother, darting about the kitchen, grabbing gulps of black coffee. She was reading something, probably newspaper articles about the accident and the victim impact panels. Her life’s passion.

“What are you doing today?” Her mother set her coffee cup in the sink and glanced at Jenny.

Mom was obviously still mad about last night, and suddenly Jenny was sorry she’d been rude. It would have been nice to be at peace on their last morning together.

She took another bite of cornflakes. “Nothing.”

Her mother waited, impatient to leave. “Fine. I’ll tell you how it went when I get home. Not that you care.”

Jenny watched her grab the car keys from the counter and head for the garage. No kiss. No good-bye. She listened as her mother drove off, and then she trudged upstairs, shoulders heavy, heart empty.

It was time.

After all the planning, it was finally time. She pulled the box from beneath her bed and examined the contents once more. Pills. Water. Good-bye note.

Not that you care.… Not that you care.
… Her mother’s words haunted her, but she shook them off. She did care. Not about the trial, but about Daddy and Alicia. It would only be a few hours now until they were together. If only she’d hugged her mother or said good-bye. Two lonely tears slipped from her eyes and landed on her bedspread.

Sniffing loudly, she dried her eyes and sat up straighter. There was no time for regrets now.

She had to get busy.

It was almost time. Hannah felt as if she’d waited her entire life for this moment. The courtroom was filled with people spilling into the hallways, straining to get a view of what was about to happen. Hannah took in the scene as it unfolded. Brian and Finch huddled at one end of the table; Matt and his assistants at the other.

Matt had met her downstairs earlier and assured her that if Brian was acquitted on first-degree murder charges, the state would see that he served the maximum time for drunk driving. It was the least they could do.

“Don’t talk like that,” Hannah said. They stood against a wall, facing each other in a quiet corridor near his office. Their voices had been hushed and inches separated them.

“Hannah, you have to be realistic. What if they come back with not guilty?”

She didn’t hesitate. “I’ll kill him myself.”

“Hannah …”

“I’m serious.”

He had sighed and pulled her into a quick hug. “Let’s go. It’s time.”

That was an hour ago.

Carol Cummins leaned over and whispered to her. “If anyone can pull this off, it’s Matt Bronzan.”

Hannah nodded. “He’s worried.”

Carol studied Matt for a moment. “You’d never know it.”

A hush fell over the courtroom as Judge Horowitz entered and took his seat. The moment of the verdict had arrived.

The judge glanced around. “I see that there are a great number of people interested in the outcome of this trial. I warn you, matters will be conducted in a quiet manner. I will not allow my courtroom to become a media circus.” He banged his gavel. “Court is in session. Will the bailiff please bring in the jury.”

The bailiff moved toward a door on the side of the courtroom, disappeared for a moment, then returned with the jurors in single file procession behind him. The jurors took their seats.

The pills were calling her, beckoning her to a better place where she and Alicia and Daddy could spend eternity together. She opened the water and picked up three orange capsules.
Please, God, let this work
. She slipped the pills into her mouth and took a swig of water. For a moment Jenny thought she was going to gag, but then she took another swig and felt the pills go down.

There were dozens of pills on her bedspread. She picked up three more capsules, and this time they went down easier. She reached down and found three more. Swallow. Three red. Swallow. It was easier than she’d thought. Before she knew it, the pile was gone. She had done it.

Now all she had to do was wait.

Matt watched the jury file in and take their places.

The judge looked at them. “Has the jury reached a decision?” Matt glanced at Hannah and saw that her eyes were closed, her hands clenched tightly. His heart constricted.
Father, I’d do anything to give Hannah the peace she so desperately seeks. Help her, please
.

The jury foreman stood up. “Yes, your honor.”

“Very well. Please hand the verdict to the bailiff.”

The foreman did as he was told, and the bailiff carried it to Judge Horowitz. He read it silently, his expression unchanging. He leaned over and handed it back to the court clerk. The judge looked about the courtroom. “The clerk will now read the verdict.”

A petite brunette in her late fifties stood, her mouth near
the microphone. She unfolded the verdict and cleared her throat.

A strange feeling was working its way through Jenny’s body. She felt her heart beat erratically. Her hands shook … then her arms … finally every part of her was trembling violently.

Was this it? Was this death?

The room started spinning and all the edges blurred together.

“I
have come that they may have life … I have come that they may have life … I have come …”

Scripture filled her mind—bringing doubt with it.

Suicide was murder. Wasn’t that one of the Ten Commandments?
“Thou shalt not kill … I have come that they may have life …”

Jesus didn’t want her to take her life. Daddy, either.

She needed to get to the bathroom. Someone online had told her if she took the pills then changed her mind, her only hope was to vomit.
Get up!
But her legs would not obey. She stuck her finger down her throat and gagged, but nothing came up.

Jenny beat her stomach with her fists, willing her body to reject the pills, but they sat like a ball of poison in her belly. It was getting harder to breathe. She had tricked herself into thinking this was the answer when it was really no answer at all.

It was a lie straight from the devil. And now it was too late.

The court clerk was reading and Hannah hung on every word.

“We, the jury, find the defendant, Brian Wesley, guilty of the crime of drunk driving.” She paused and prepared to read the second verdict. “We, the jury, find the defendant, Brian Wesley, guilty of the crime of first degree-murder against Tom Ryan and Alicia Ryan.”

Tears flooded Hannah’s eyes, and her hands flew to her face, providing the only privacy in a room where suddenly all attention was focused on her.

They’d done it! They’d won the verdict. Brian Wesley would spend the rest of his life in prison. Matt had been brilliant. The evidence had been glaringly obvious. That’s why the verdict had come so quickly.

We won! We won! Guilty! We won … we won
. The words ran through her mind, over and over. Every panel, every hour of research, every meeting with Carol, all of Matt’s hard work … it all had paid off. It was the victory she’d waited for all year, and now it was time to celebrate. Brian Wesley was going to prison. Murder one. History-making murder one.

Her hands remained spread across her face, and she heard herself weeping now, louder and louder. She felt Carol’s arm come around her shoulders, and she struggled to gain control. Dimly she heard Judge Horowitz banging his gavel, calling for order.

She had pictured this moment a hundred times. She’d imagined she would jump up and congratulate Matt, look at the jurors and silently thank them for making the right choice, then proceed to the cameras for a series of interviews.

Instead, she was consumed by the greatest heartache she had ever known.

It was her grandest moment—the moment of justice and peace—but not one of the people she loved was there to share it with her.

If this is peace, how will I ever tolerate a lifetime of it?

Jenny was dizzy. She lay back on her bed and began to cry, but she only heard the deep, raspy sound of her body gasping for breath.

No! Please, no!
Her mind screamed the words, but her mouth no longer worked. Suddenly she remembered something from
one of the Internet sites. You know it’s working if your fingernail beds begin to turn blue. She held up her hands, steadying them, straining to see them as the images blurred. It was impossible to tell, but she thought she saw the deadly blue there.

She gasped once more, but black spots blocked her vision. Suddenly all she wanted to do was sleep.

Please, God. I want to live. I want …

Her thoughts faded. She could no longer feel herself trying to breathe.

Two seconds later, she was unconscious.

Matt released the air from his lungs slowly. “Thank you, God.” He turned to face Hannah.

The entire courtroom had erupted into conversation, but his eyes were fixed on her alone. She was hunched over, head buried in her hands, weeping. She needed him, and in that instant he felt an attraction for her that went far beyond the scope of the trial. He chided himself for the feeling.
Must be the intensity of the moment
. He started to rise from his seat, then remembered the proceedings were not officially finished. He sat back down, his neck craned, his eyes still on her.

Poor Hannah. He had won, but not her. She had lost everything. Not even this verdict could change that.

The judge banged his gavel. “Order! Order in the court.”

Gradually the people who filled the room and much of the corridor outside fell silent once more. Judge Horowitz gave each of the jurors the opportunity to affirm their verdict. Then he continued with final instructions.

“The bailiff will take the defendant into custody until such time as his sentencing hearing, which will take place two weeks from today in this courtroom at ten in the morning. At that time—” he looked at Brian Wesley—“the defendant and the victims will have an opportunity to speak. That is all for today. Court dismissed.”

He banged his gavel one final time, and Brian Wesley stood to face the bailiff. Cameras captured the moment as handcuffs were snapped onto Brian’s wrists, and he was led away.

It was the first time Matt had been able to look into Brian’s eyes since his testimony days earlier, and what he saw there was surprisingly familiar. Peace. Brian looked content, ready to take his punishment. Matt stared, stunned, and suddenly he knew Hannah’s concerns had been warranted.

Brian Wesley had the eyes of a believer.

Matt turned toward Hannah and saw that she was still sobbing. He watched her hands drop, saw her eyes follow Brian as he was led away. He didn’t want her to stay around the courtroom. She needed to be home with Jenny.
Get her home. Now!
The urging impelled him from his seat.