Vertigo Park and Other Tall Tales (22 page)

OVERHEARD WHILE WALKING

FRAGMENTS OF THE PERAMBULATION
 

“It was many, many years ago, at Lake Tahoe” … “
I’m
inhibited?!” … “Your English
is
improving! How much do you study?” “Two days an hour” … “But Daddy doesn’t
know
if Michael Jackson is happy” … “Not a social
ist
—a social
ite
” … “Honestly, a billion isn’t as much as it sounds” … “The Guggenheim
does
look like a collapsible camp cup” … “You got homeboys uptown, you got homeboys downtown, you don’t need me!” … “Spare change?
I’m trying to buy a condo” … “Is that the sun or the moon on your T-shirt?” … “I read about them in
Psychology Today
” … “An
iguana
? It just looks like a big old lizard to me!” … “I give up, why would you rather live on Mars than on Venus?” … “And I say to you, Einstein could not have gone to heaven, because he died an agnostic!” … “The Empire State Building is so tall, it actually
foreshortens itself
” … “Her parents are never supposed to find out he’s a member of the Racquet Club” … “It
is
the fifty dollars, isn’t it?” … “I have to go see my mother tonight.” “Oh, what is she in?” … “Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not my pimp!” … “No, no—Betty is the
dog
” … “Did whoever wrote the ‘Internationale’ make any money off it?” … “I’m waiting for crack in a
spreadable
form” … “Ya, I haff been riding the subway all week, I feel very homely on it” … “I’m a normal person, I’m a normal person, I’m a normal person” … “It wasn’t so long ago you would have said Ralph Lauren was yucky” … “Hey! Hey! You with the tie! Show me your résumé!” … “But Dalton is so
glitzy
” … “I should never have told the judges my cat tried to have sex with me” … “Call me the
following
fall, then” … “Look! ‘Hot’ Coffee! Why is hot in quotation marks?” … “There’s someone who I know who I wish was dead” … “That’s right, sweetie:
can-ta-loupe!
” … “I think
of myself as an executive who happens to swim” … “She found she made twice as much in tips if she wore a blond wig” … “Hey, Rambo—shut up!” … “There
isn’t
any Light Bulb District” … “It’s just Squeeze, not
the
Squeeze” … “And they misspelled
jackals
” … “That kind of nudity is so
insecure
” … “It just sort of steamrolled, avalanched—what’s the word? Snowballed” … “No, just the opposite, performance artists are people who
can’t
sing, dance,
or
act” … “ ‘Only the Best in Quality Spankography’—well, that’s a refreshing break from that anything-for-a-buck stuff” … “I can hear you women saying, ‘Oh, I can’t go to church, I don’t have any skirts, all I have are
pantsuits!
’ Well, I have some news for you ladies—you can
get
a skirt! It’s not so hard to get a skirt!” … “Its full name is Liberty Enlightening the World. We rode the subway right under it!” … “First of all, define ‘
history
’ ” … “Hey, babe, what’s your name? And where are we going?”

THE WHOM OF KABOOM

OR WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SHARK