Vampire Taxonomy (7 page)

As the predominant scourge of the supernatural underworld, Villainous Vampires are a serious force to be reckoned with. Be they scantily clad or fully robed, this classification has one, and only one, thing in mind: blood—specifically yours.

Although many other hemophages struggle with controlling their bloodlust, this kind embraces their carnal desire, making them the most dangerous of all the classifications, but in turn their evolutionary aptitude for hunting also makes them one of the most interesting species. This group’s dissimilation from society has allowed them to grow uniquely as a specific type of hunter. Various vamps have even stopped evolving all together in certain areas where other types have flourished (for example, a few Villainous Vamps no longer have the ability to grow hair because blending in with society isn’t an evolutionary priority to said vampire).

The most important things to remember when dealing with this class is that you are nothing more than a meal, and their evil-doing has long passed the mustache-twirling stereotypes from long ago (though don’t discount a bit of parlor room villainy antics). Never let your guard down around this type of vamp or you could be his next unwilling blood donor.

The most blatant “tell” for the deadliest of vampires is easily the hideous, dated, or over-the-top trimmings baddie vamps adorn themselves with. Although loners and Romantics are praised for their grasp of modern-day attire, these particular knaves are, as vampire slayer Jack Crow
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would say, “fashion victims.” Okay, maybe he was a bit harsher, but you get the picture.

The list of crimes against fashion by evil vampires is long. Sadly, all attempts to make a Villainous Vampire trendy would fall on deaf ears. This is a proud bunch, and they’re not going to waste time fretting about trying to fit in. They do not care, nor will they lower themselves for human or even Romantic Vampire approval. Think of
Hemophage sceleratus
as a poorly dressed club full of elaborately overaccessorized members, some clad all in leather. You really can’t expect people to look their best when the company they keep includes characters similar to Herbert von Krolock, the ridiculous fop from
The Fearless Vampire Killers
, and those who insist on overlapping eight different kinds of necklaces.
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So if you see a figure stomping about shirtless, with a leather jacket hanging open over his exposed chest, chances are that’s a Villainous Vampire. Their distaste for undershirts is remark able. Although most undead and human minds would think that perhaps a jacket with long, dragging tails wouldn’t be the most practical thing to purchase, it’s an übervamp’s go-to getup, practicality be damned. The same goes for inappropriate seasonal attire. Because vampires aren’t as vulnerable to temperature changes as humans, this means they can wear whatever they want year round, See a young lady parading about in the same bushy fur coat for days in the middle of the summer heat wave, but hardly breaking a sweat? Vampire.

In a way, the media hype machine is partly to blame for these tragic vampire fashions. From the beginning, when Max Schreck’s Count Orlok was transformed into the dapper but poorly styled Count Dracula on stage, famed actors Béla Lugosi, Christopher Lee, and Frank Langella continued the tired formal attire legacy with red satin-lined capes, popped collars, even plunging open shirts (thanks, Frank), topped with medallions.
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This paved the way for sad vampire fashions among the bunch.
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These pop culture representations of vampires with a penchant for evil drive home the reality that Villainous Vamps appear to still be getting dressed in the dark.

So keep your guard up around those smirking shirtless lurkers who look like rejected stand-ins from a My Chemical Romance music video.

A great way to pick out the Big Bad is by the company they keep. Although many of the evil undead have committed to living a life of solitude, others choose to partake in the services of the sidekick. The limping, deformed manservants of yesterday are still finding ample employment caretaking for their evil masters. Granted, many Villainous Vampires have upgraded to a non-appearance-challenged helper, as it is easier to fly under the radar of humanity undetected if your escort isn’t parting the sidewalks in shrieks with his overall look. Plus, no one wants a show-off.
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The lackey is even more useful than a harem full of vampire brides. A manservant can become a day driver, block up the windows in a mansion, even score the night’s meal. In fact, lackeys have been getting organized over time. Take for example the society of familiars from the
Blade
series (each human member tattooed with the glyph of the house he serves). Not only is this clan made up of hungry followers eager to do a vampire’s bidding, but the members include police officers, lawyers, psychologists, and more. It’s a veritable Yellow Pages of free services, and all they need is the mere promise of immortality; they don’t actually have to receive it.

But be warned, those of you considering becoming a lapdog to the evil ones: It rarely works out in your favor. Never forget you are still rotting flesh in their eyes, as expendable as a thawed-out steak in the fridge. Justify your undead allegiance all you want—“I’d rather be a pet than cattle”
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—you will most likely get betrayed, left behind, discovered by the authorities (or worse, your master’s enemies), or devoured if it’s snack time, no matter how solid your deal for fame, riches, sex, or the standard promise for eternal life was at the time. About ninety percent of all sidekicks end up as scraps between the canines of their former boss. Promises mean nothing to Villainous Vampires; remember, it was the cold boss Marlow who remarked, “The things they believe,”
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mere moments before snapping his lackey’s neck.

Similar to the other classifications, most of the physical features possessed by a vampire are used for one thing only: to serve their need to feed. Just like the rest of the vampire community, many
Hemophage sceleratus
also have alluring soft skin.

Although we may have poked a bit of fun at the Big Bad’s dress code, that doesn’t mean it’s not a delight to watch that exposed skin dance and sway from beneath a scantily clad outfit. Granted the costume attire may make them stick out like a sore thumb in society, but that doesn’t make their physique any less . . . compelling. The luscious skin conjures up all sorts of come-hither ideas in a mortal’s mind. No one’s complaining when they get an eyeful of the alabaster skin of a lesbian vampire queen dancing about in a negligee for your delight. It’s when the half-naked lady goes to the market all done up that she causes a scene and risks unwanted attention from slayers or others that may disrupt her lifestyle. So while the overly sexed style you see a lot of vampires in does have its drawbacks, no one’s exactly telling those dressed like Ingrid Pitt from
Countess Dracula
to put on a sweater. They’re not about to risk covering up their greatest predatory asset.

On the flip side of their unwavering beauty, Villains can also seriously turn on the ugly. We’ve seen countless representations of vampires with grotesquely fair skin, creased faces, and black bags under their eyes.
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Why is their skin so light? Many believe that an ultrasensitivity to UV rays, which keeps this variety of vampires out of the light, has caused the creature to evolve with little to no pigment in the skin. This skin affliction certainly doesn’t deter them from stalking necessary prey. Again, this type of vampire dismisses the need to blend in. Some use it to their advantage; popping up with a mouth full of fang and a face like a wolf can help them shock a victim deer-in-the-headlights style.

Certain members of the
sceleratus
society have evolved beyond these two villainous skin divisions and have learned how to control their physical exterior. These creatures often swap from human form to that of a natural predator, similar to the snake and the bat. It’s not uncommon to find that when threatened or excited, a certain breed of vampires’ epidermis will take on a scaly appearance like that of a snake or lizard—or they may just take on the form of a giant predator entirely (the bat is most common).

However, not all Villains are torn between looking frightening or seductive. The truly clever beasties can morph from one to another, unless provoked by anger or sadness. Gary Oldman’s representation of this ability in
Bram Stoker’s Dracula
is possibly the most notable. He went from powdered hair, wrinkled skin, and claws to long-haired, top-hatted hottie with the flip of a switch. Unfortunately for him, his emotions got the best of him when his face mutated back into that of a strange pasty cat creature streaked in bitter black tears. Truly these beings are often at the mercy of their emotions.
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