Until There Was You
Not with a Whimper, but a Bang
Me and You and Everything That We Don't Know
It Looks Like We're Gonna Climb a Hill
Letting Go of What Weighs You Down
How to Dig Yourself Out of a Hole
When You've Learnt, You Should Teach
Learning to Help Others by Helping Yourself
Finding a Home at the End of the Street
In Which the Little Guy Becomes a Man
Until There Was You…
J. J BAMBER
The morning after their tenth anniversary, Nathanial wakes up to find his lover, Adam, is gone, their finances in ruin, and he's about to lose the house. Overwhelmed and at a loss, he takes his son Bailey and returns to his childhood home—the home he left ten years ago after his relationship with Adam was discovered.
With his present in shambles, the future uncertain, and nowhere else to go, Nathaniel has no choice but to face his past and hope that something can be built from the wreckage.
Book Details
Until There Was You
By J.J. Bamber
Published by Less Than Three Press LLC
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission of the publisher, except for the purpose of reviews.
Edited by Amanda Jean
Cover designed by Aisha Akeju
This book is a work of fiction and all names, characters, places, and incidents are fictional or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people, places, or events is coincidental.
First Edition September 2015
Copyright © 2015 by J.J. Bamber
Printed in the United States of America
Digital ISBN 9781620045992
Print ISBN 9781620046005
To Mum,
If there Was No You, There Would Be No Me And Then There Would Be No Story To Tell
Not with a Whimper, but a Bang
Nate picked Bailey up from the floor and settled him onto the counter before adding more seasoning to the ratatouille. He tasted it and winced. He hated ratatouille, but Joshua loved it and Nate was willing to make the sacrifice for a perfect tenth anniversary. Still, even after all this time, he did have to question the taste of someone who preferred soggy, tomato-y eggplant over pizza and spaghetti.
"Daddy?" Bailey said, his voice rising in the same way it always did when he was about to pelt an adult with his trademark series of rapid-fire questions. His skinny legs swung backwards and forwards, making him look even smaller, like he was sitting on a giant's seat.
"Yes, Bay?" Nate replied absent-mindedly. The excitement of hearing his son talk had begun to disappear as his life had become a string of
how-come
s,
why-is-it-that
s, and
do-you-know-why
s. He liked that he had a curious child, but answering his questions sometimes made him feel like the proverbial cat that curiosity killed.
"What is an anni-thingy?" Bailey asked.
"It's called an anniversary. It means that I met Papa ten years ago today," Nate said, his face cracking into a wide grin. The words
ten years ago
reverberated throughout his brain, sending warmth up and down his body. He still felt like a giddy school kid with a crush, even after all this time.
Bailey looked shocked. "Ten years is a long, long time. That's before I was even born!" He started giggling, as if the idea of Nate having a life before he was born was some kind of outrageous joke.
"Yep. It is a long time; it was a whole six years before you were born." Nate put the spoon in his hand down and lifted Bailey up, squeezing him close. He felt his solid weight in his arms and let his heart grow happy as his son buried himself into Nate's upper body. He knew that he wouldn't be able to do this for much longer—Bailey would start to grow self-conscious and would want to act like a grownup. He was cherishing this time, trying to soak it in.
"I didn't even know you knew Papa before I was around," Bailey said, pushing his head back so that he could see Nate's whole face, and laughed again. It was a light, childish laugh, but Nate could see that he was absorbing the information and trying to make sense of it, to understand that his parents did actual things before they became his parents, that they were people before they were Daddy and Papa.
"Of course we did. We met and we lived together for six years, and then we realized that we had too much love for just two people. So we needed to have someone else around to share it with. And do you know that other person was?" Nate asked.
"Yes! Yes, I do! It was Bailey!" His voice rose joyously as he pointed to himself proudly, puffing out his chest.
"That's right, it was Bailey!" Nate spun around in a circle with Bailey close to him, clapping and laughing. "And that's how we became a family."
"We have three people in our family!" Bailey announced excitedly.
"That's right. You are so clever," Nate said, kissing Bailey's cheek and putting him back down so that he could cut up the green peppers and twist some salt into the vegetable stew. He inhaled deeply; he had to admit that it did smell good.
Bailey beamed, soaking up the compliment. "We have Nate, who is Daddy. We have Joshua, who is Papa. And we have Bailey, who is the kid." He counted each person off on his fingers and looked satisfied with his arithmetic.
"That is very good." Nate's voice was muffled as he searched around inside a cupboard for the china they used on special occasions. Joshua's mother had given it to them when Bailey was born. It was a way of marking an important step in their commitment to each other.
"Daddy?" Bailey asked again.
"Uh-huh?" Nate muttered, half of his body hidden inside the deep kitchen closet. His eyes widened as he saw the gold-and-white pattern of the practically sacred china.
"You know this anniveeers?" Bailey asked, looking down at Nate as he emerged from the abyss triumphantly.
"Anniversary," Nate corrected.
"It's kinda like a birthday."
"What do you mean?"
Bailey's face scrunched up as if he was working out a difficult equation. "It is the birthday of when you met Papa. And my birthday is an anniveeers of when you met me for the first time."
Nate cocked his head and nodded; he had to admit that Bailey was right. He was once again, and not even for the first time that day, amazed by the logic someone so small could apply to concepts so big. He understood that it was every parent's prerogative to think that their child was a genius—he had met enough couples with "gifted" children that he sometimes had to wonder how the economy had ever collapsed with all the baby geniuses running around—but he honestly believed that Bailey was something special.
Nate knew it the minute that he held Bailey for the first time. Even then, his tiny baby eyes seemed filled with all the knowledge in the world. He was a kind soul, even when everything was rushing towards him for the very first time; his goodness overwhelmed the bright lights and hospital smells. He also looked like Joshua—understandably, as he was his biological father—which was never a bad thing in Nate's book. In fact, Nate couldn't think of anyone in the world better to look like.
The sound of Joshua's car parking on the driveway put a sudden end to Nate and Bailey's jovial chatter. Bailey's body began to shake with excitement as he covered his eyes, waiting for his papa to open the door and see the dinner that Bailey had helped make. Bailey had recently learnt the inherent joy of a big surprise after attending his grandmother's birthday. He'd fallen to the floor with glee as the lights went up and everybody jumped from their hiding places and had been obsessed with surprising people ever since.
"I tell you what, Bay, why don't you run over to the front door and surprise Papa when he comes through? That way I have a few more minutes to make the table look nice," Nate whispered.
Bailey's eyes lit up and he pushed his arms out so that Nate could lift him from the counter and put him back down. Bailey ran to the door and Nate straightened up the napkins and poured two large glasses of Merlot into the "smart" tumblers. Nate and Joshua had never gotten married, even though both of them had suggested it at different times, so their family and friends had bought them all kinds of "wedding gifts" at Bailey's baby shower. These were the things that were wheeled out at every Christmas, birthday, and anniversary—they were special to Nate, and he had nearly fainted when he saw Joshua slurping cereal out of one of the fine china bowls before work. Somehow, the china seemed like a sign of their love, an acknowledgement of the life that they had chosen to build together, of the home that they had worked so hard to create.
Nate knew it was silly to pin so much onto ridiculously overpriced plates, but he couldn't help it. He'd even gone so far as to write a whole chapter of one of his books about them.
Nate heard the door open and Bailey's high-pitched squeal. "Surprise, Papa! Happy Annie...Annie... Anniversary! I said it right! Papa, I said it right! Happy anniversary, happy anniversary! Ten years, ten years, ten years anniversary!"
Nate smiled at the sounds in the hallway, the sounds of his family. He stepped back from the table and eyed the table settings for symmetry; it looked professional and intimate, bathed in candlelight. Nate couldn't help feel but the buzz of excitement in his stomach; he had a feeling that tonight would be the start of a new phase in their lives. The air in the kitchen felt different now, filled with possibility.
"Shit! Damn it. Shit!" Nate was pulled from his musing by Joshua's gruff voice, so out of character and strange in the romantic environment. He spun around on his heel and headed towards the hallway to see what had happened.
Nate leant against the doorframe quietly and watched as Bailey tapped Joshua sharply on the shoulder. Bailey frowned like Nate did whenever something was wrong. "That is not a good word and Daddy does not like to hear it!" He put on his best big-boy voice and managed the exact same disapproving tone as Nate—it was almost spooky.
"Well, we won't tell Daddy, will we, little guy?" Joshua said, just loud enough that Nate could make the words out. Nate's heart felt warm as he saw Joshua snuggle Bailey close to his expansive body. It was always strange to see them together; it looked like Joshua had commissioned someone to make a doll of himself. They had the same jet-black hair that swooped up in tufts if left unmanaged, the same strong facial features. Watching them interact was one of Nate's favorite things, especially when they didn't know that they were being watched. It gave Nate a thrill to see how caring and sweet Joshua was, how naturally he had stepped into the role of father. Nate wished that he could preserve this moment so that he could go back to it anytime he wanted, to be warmed and charmed by the love and bond between them.
"Too late, Papa. I already heard." Nate stood at the end of the hallway, his arms crossed across his chest in a defensive stance, leaning against the doorframe. He couldn't quite decide how he felt, or even how he was supposed to feel. He wanted not to be disappointed that Joshua had forgotten their anniversary. He wanted to chalk it up to forgetfulness, stress, or absent-mindedness, but he couldn't help but feel that this event was a flashlight revealing cracks that Nate had been trying to ignore.
"Oh, babe. I forgot what day it was," Joshua said, his voice completely deflated and heartbroken.
"I figured." Nate tried to contain his disappointment and shift it into another, less frightening emotion. He shifted his weight from one leg to the other, trying to create a dam in his heart to stop the wave of emotion crashing through his body. He forced himself to smile, and it actually made him feel a little better.
Joshua put Bailey down and the two adults watched as he rushed into the kitchen to play with his toy trucks. Nate had to stop himself from cringing as he heard the distinct sound of Bailey's toolbox being opened and emptied. He had been trying to stop his neat freak tendencies recently, but had only been a little bit successful. Nate pushed the image of the toy-covered room out of his mind and focused on Joshua's worried face.
Joshua walked forwards cautiously. Nate could see that he was preparing himself for an argument. "Babe, I am so, so—"
"It's okay."
"It's not okay. This isn't me. And it isn't fair to you." Joshua looked crushed and sad, his face scrunched into a look of weariness that made Nate want to melt to the floor.
"Listen, I'm saying this from the heart. It is okay. I'm not saying it with an edge; there is no 'but' or ellipsis after the sentence. It's okay." He really was okay with Joshua forgetting the anniversary, and he really did just want everything to fall into the domesticity that was the thread of their lives together.