‘But honestly, nothing happened,’ Grace said desperately, because it was very important that Vaughn knew that. ‘On paper, he’s much more my type than you are, but when we kissed I didn’t feel anything, because the only person I want to kiss is you. All Noah and I really have in common is that we both know what it’s like to be rejected by you and it’s horrible.’
‘About that,’ Vaughn said slowly. ‘I meant what I said before: I don’t want you to go.’
Grace felt her heart give a hopeful flutter. ‘You don’t?’
Vaughn shook his head and his eyes had never looked so big, so blue, so guileless. ‘I’ve been dreading the thought of next Monday.’ He paused for a swift intake of breath. ‘I’d like to lock you into our agreement for another year, put in some new clauses, set up a trust for you so you—’
‘No!’ It was the nicest possible thing he could have said, swiftly followed by the worst possible thing. ‘We can both try and pretend we’re not having a relationship but we are and you can’t dictate a relationship with legally binding agreements and clauses, like I’m one of your employees. Why can’t you see how insulting that is?’
‘Sssh!’ Vaughn put a hand on her shoulder and Grace let his touch calm her because she wanted to believe that they could work this out. That Vaughn would get his big, old brain on the case and realise that what he was saying was crazy talk. ‘No, not like before. We should put all this nonsense behind us and work out a new contract. Together.’
‘I won’t be like your other women,’ she said slowly, twisting her shoulder free from his hand. ‘That’s why you make us sign contracts so we come with an in-built expiration date.’
‘Actually . . .’ Vaughn rubbed his forehead. ‘I never made anyone else sign a contract. I think they’d have laughed in my face if I’d suggested it. It was just you, Grace, because I knew you didn’t know how this was meant to work and I couldn’t run the risk that you’d lose your nerve once you realised what you’d got yourself into.’
‘If I was such unsuitable mistress material, then why did you pick me?’ Grace asked bitterly, though she wasn’t sure she could bear to hear the answer.
Vaughn looked as though he really didn’t want to tell her either. He leaned back against the cushions like he didn’t have the energy to sit up straight. ‘I was attracted to you, you know that, but the truth . . . the truth is I’d been turned down by two other women and I had a plan in place for Noah that was in danger of getting derailed. He was being very difficult, and in those instances I find it helpful if the woman I’m seeing can expedite things.’
‘God, you totally played me,’ Grace said, a hand to her heart because she had an ache in her chest every time she took a breath.
‘And that’s why this arrangement was doomed from the start,’ Vaughn said, glancing at her briefly, then looking away. ‘Because the others . . . my other women . . . they knew how this worked. Knew that it was a mutually beneficial arrangement that didn’t need to be spelled out. We never mentioned money; they’d just send me their bills or ask to look through my inventory or contact Madeleine with the amount they’d like paid into their banks. And when it was time for the arrangement to end, there were no recriminations, no regrets. We’d enjoyed each other’s company but it was never anything more than that. But you, Grace . . . you’re worth so much more than I can give you, and you’ll realise that soon enough. I can’t do this - have a relationship without certain assurances. I just can’t. You have to sign a contract.’
‘You don’t trust me because of what I did with Noah? I told you,
nothing happened
!’ she choked out.
‘I don’t trust anyone,’ he said simply. ‘Especially not myself. And do you trust me? Really?’
She didn’t, and Vaughn had given her no reason why she should, but if her three-month relationships had taught Grace anything, it was that you went into them full of hope and optimism that maybe this time things would be different. You had to leave it up to chance and a belief that you wouldn’t make the same mistakes all over again. Relationships were about two people trying to make it work, not clauses and addenda written by lawyers.
Grace got to her feet because she couldn’t sit next to Vaughn a moment longer without wanting to slap some sense into him. ‘If you’d asked me to sign a new contract any time during this last month, I would have, but now everything’s changed and I can’t. This isn’t the right way to do it. What about what
I
need? I need . . . Oh, fuck it!’
She was already moving towards the case, which she’d tried to repack while Vaughn was in the bath. What had taken so long before was now accomplished in a matter of seconds as Grace hurled her clothes in, shoving them viciously into place so she could get the zip done up.
‘See, Grace? You don’t know what you really need,’ Vaughn said, as she picked up her case. He got up from the sofa and tried to intercept her as she practically ran to the door. ‘I want you to stay, more than you could ever know, but we have to have a contract. If we’re going to attempt a relationship, then a contract makes everything simple. We both know exactly where we stand.’
‘No, it doesn’t, it never did,’ Grace told him. ‘It won’t be a relationship. It will be just like it was. So I’m going. Now.’
‘I’m sorry.’
Vaughn couldn’t have shocked Grace more if he’d accused her of shagging every aspiring artist in London. ‘You don’t apologise. Not ever,’ she said, trying to step past him and get to the door, but he planted himself firmly in her path so that she had no choice but to look at him. He’d never looked like that, looked at her like that, his expression so unguarded that she could see everything: panic, fear and unholy amounts of desperation.
‘There are a lot of things I should apologise for, which I’m not going to because I told you exactly the kind of man I was from the very beginning. But I am sorry that I can’t change, be the man you want me to be. I’m sorry that I’m driving you away. Sorry that I’ve screwed this up in such a spectacular fashion. And I’m so sorry that I’ve hurt you.’
‘Oh God, it doesn’t even matter any more. None of it does. Look, I have to go.’
But Vaughn’s hands were in her hair, tugging her head back so he could kiss her. Grace knew she should put up a struggle, maybe even aim her case in the direction of his knees, but she was already letting it fall to the floor with a dull thud so she could clutch his shoulders and kiss him back.
The shadows lengthened and dusk became dark became day again. They snatched brief periods of sleep, limbs tangled together, then one of them would wake and with a kiss, a caress or a muttered plea, it would start all over again.
The first time they’d made love slowly, bodies moving gently against each other as if every second were precious, but each time after that became more frantic and greedy, because the last time was getting nearer.
The very last time, Grace kept her eyes open and felt as if she was drowning in Vaughn; carving her nails into his back, her nostrils full of his scent, mouth biting into his shoulder.
Then he stopped, hands gripping her hips tightly as he dipped his head to kiss her neck. ‘I wanted to make you happy, Grace,’ he whispered in her ear. ‘Whatever else I did or didn’t do, that much is true.’
It pulled Grace out of her long, hard climb to orgasm so she was struggling in Vaughn’s grasp, not to free herself but so she could use her hands to soothe away the strain she saw in his face as he frowned down at her. She wanted to tell Vaughn that she
had
been happy sometimes, but then he was kissing her so fiercely that her words got lost.
Afterwards he spooned against her, pressing hundreds of tiny kisses on her skin. ‘You’re leaving.’ Finally it was a statement, not a question.
‘I’m leaving.’
‘If you stay, I’ll give you ten thousand in cash every month, let you redecorate, anything you want. Just tell me and it’s yours,’ Vaughn murmured against her skin.
One month ago, Grace would have signed her soul away without a second thought. But it had been one hell of a month and all she wanted was to be the girl who’d finally managed to stick. ‘I don’t want those kinds of sweeteners. If you want me that badly, then the contract shouldn’t matter. I’ll stay because I want to stay, because I want to make this work. Honestly, Vaughn, that should mean more than signing my name on a contract.’
Vaughn didn’t say anything at first then he sighed, his breath stirring up the baby hairs at the nape of her neck. ‘I wish I could say yes, but that’s not good enough.’
‘Why isn’t it?’
‘It’s just not. What else do you want me to say, Grace?’
She rolled over because she couldn’t think straight with Vaughn’s arms around her and she wanted to come up with a solution that would make both of them happy without feeling manipulated. Grace suddenly realised that one of them could break this impasse with those three little words, eight letters, but she could feel them sticking in her throat. Because if love was everything that people said it was, then Grace would be sure. She’d know in this absolutely certain, irrevocable way and as it was, she still didn’t have a fucking clue what love felt like.
‘But not that,’ Vaughn said, because her face must have given her away. ‘I don’t think either of us even knows what love is.’
She wound her fingers through Vaughn’s hair, so she could kiss the deep furrow that had appeared between his eyebrows. ‘That’s OK,’ she said. ‘I can’t say it either.’
‘Grace, it doesn’t have to be this way,’ Vaughn said heavily, tracing her jaw with the tips of his fingers.
‘Yeah, it really does.’ He had to stop touching her because it was making this impossible. ‘Honestly, I’ll be fine. I’ll go and stay at Lil’s until I sort something else out.’
‘What about the place I was going to make an offer on? I thought you liked it.’
‘I did,’ Grace murmured. ‘It had a turret, but God, if ever two people needed a clean break, it’s us.’
‘Grace, don’t be so stupid. I’ll buy a flat for you, put your name on the deed. No, let me finish.’ Vaughn held her chin in an uncompromising grip. ‘I need to know you’ll be all right, that you’re taken care of.’
Grace gently prised his hands off her. ‘I started this because of the money, but I don’t want it to end with that,’ she insisted, stroking her thumbs along the high plane of his cheekbones. ‘I can’t believe I just said that. See what you’ve done to me?’
‘Why don’t you think about it?’ Vaughn pressed a kiss to her forehead.
‘I don’t need to.’ Grace pulled Vaughn in for one more kiss that was so final it almost made her cry, though she’d have sworn she didn’t have any more tears left.
Vaughn didn’t stop her when she pulled the covers back and got out of bed. She was sore and aching, from too much crying, too much fucking, not nearly enough sleep. Even a scalding hot shower didn’t help - it just felt as if every last trace of Vaughn was being washed down the drain.
He was dressed and waiting for her when she came out of the bathroom, her jacket over his arm. ‘I booked you the last seat on the Eurostar,’ he said. ‘I thought you’d prefer to go straight back to London.’
‘Yeah, I do. Thanks.’ The thought of spending the night just a cab ride away had been daunting. Grace had half-wondered if she wouldn’t lose all her resolve and come crawling back to him before morning. This made it easier.
She let Vaughn help her into her jacket, then turn her around so he could do up the buttons, before handing her the suitcase. ‘Be happy, Grace.’
‘You too.’ She ran the back of her hand over his cheek, catching her knuckles on his stubble. ‘Don’t let Gustav boss you about.’
‘I’ll try not to. What are you doing, you silly girl?’
Grace held her Amex card out. ‘Giving this back to you.’
Vaughn held his hands up. ‘Keep it. Honestly, Grace, I appreciate the big, dramatic gesture, but you really can’t manage without it.’
‘Well, I’m just going to have to learn, aren’t I?’ Grace said, tucking the card into Vaughn’s shirt-pocket and letting her hand rest there for a second to feel the thud of his heart. ‘I’ll be fine.’
‘If you need anything -
anything
- you’re to come to me. Is that understood?’
Grace nodded and this would take for ever if she let it, both of them standing there with awkward smiles, hands still on each other. She wanted to think of some poignant but snappy last line that would commemorate the solemnity of the occasion, but all she could come up with was a heartfelt, ‘God, this really sucks,’ before she opened the door.