Unquiet (12 page)

Eliot gazed back at him, his green eyes vivid.

“God, you’re so beautiful,” Loren breathed, bringing one hand up to cup Eliot’s cheek. “The face that’s haunted my dreams.” He let his thumb stroke along Eliot’s cheekbone as he looked at him, cataloging the differences nine years had made.

There was surprisingly little, given the passage of time and the things Eliot had gone through: a few lines around his eyes, a small scar at the corner of his mouth. Loren couldn’t resist, leaning in to brush the scar with his lips once, again. Eliot turned his head and kissed him full on—though softly, chastely.

“Did you ever think of trying to find me, Loren?” Eliot asked when he pulled back, and Loren stroked his cheek again.

“I did for a while,” he admitted, “but after a few years, I felt like you were probably better off without me by that point. Like I said, I thought maybe I was the reason you’d tried to—well, when you got hurt, I—”

“You thought I tried to kill myself over you?” Eliot’s voice was soft. Not accusatory, just inquiring.

“Yes. I said some—I said some awful things to you, El. The last thing I said to you nine years ago still haunts me.”

Eliot scooted closer, and Loren wrapped his arm around his waist, settling Eliot against his side. It was Eliot’s turn to offer comfort. “I don’t remember it, Loren,” he said, his tone sincere. “And about all I remember of that night is how good it felt to make little cuts with the razor blade I stole from my dad’s bathroom.”

He held up his arm, and Loren saw for the first time some faint scars, thin, almost invisible, white lines surrounding the thick raised scar tissue of the cut that had almost ended his life.

“The little stinging pain, the blood, pleased me and fascinated me. I just—I just—went deeper,” Eliot said helplessly. “It was just me being crazy, Loren; it wasn’t your fault.”

Loren grasped Eliot’s arm, lifting it to press his open mouth to the scarred skin.

“If I’d known what you were going through all these years, I would have tried to find you, El. I swear I would have. I just—”

Eliot stopped Loren’s anguished words with his lips.

“Well, you’re here now.”

LOREN GRABBED
a cold bottle of water from Kai’s fridge, tossing it to him before snagging one for himself. They leaned back against the kitchen counter, side by side, and drank greedily.

“Shit, that tastes good,” Loren growled, throwing his empty bottle into the recycle bin. He lifted up the hem of his T-shirt and wiped the residual sweat off his face, grimacing as he caught a whiff of himself. Kai wasn’t in any better shape, his hair wet with sweat and starting to dry in weird-looking spikes.

“I’ve missed working out with you, Loren,” Kai said, finishing up his own water and tossing the bottle away.

“You missed me kicking your ass, you mean,” Loren taunted, and Kai rolled his eyes.

“Whatever. How about I just missed
you
, then, asshole?”

Loren slid his arm around Kai’s shoulders and gave him a brief side hug, surprised and gratified when Kai turned and wrapped Loren up in a full embrace.

“Missed you too,” Loren whispered, and Kai kissed his cheek before pulling away and heading toward his bedroom, stripping his sweaty T-shirt off as he went and giving Loren a glimpse of smooth brown skin and a hint of tattoo.

“Gonna take a quick shower,” he called out over his shoulder, “and then you’re welcome to if you want.”

He shut his bedroom door, and Loren regarded the barrier a little sadly. Not all that long ago, he would have been invited to join Kai in the shower, and they would have spent an extremely pleasurable afternoon with a different kind of hard and sweaty workout.

Now that privilege belonged to another man.

As Loren waited for his turn in the bathroom, he wandered around Kai’s living room, noticing with surprised pleasure his friend had left all the pictures of him and Loren up on the walls. His opinion of Jeremy, Kai’s boyfriend, went up a few more notches, glad to see the dude wasn’t insecure about Kai having a past. Happy memories flooded through him as he looked at the photos, a lot of which he’d taken himself, mostly of him and Kai on the many, many hikes, backpacking trips, and camping excursions they’d taken over the years.

The bedroom door opened and Kai came out, a towel wrapped around his lean hips, his skin glistening with water and his hair slicked back. He padded by Loren and headed to the little laundry room set just off the kitchen, opening the dryer and leaning inside to grab an armful of clean clothes. As he straightened back up, his towel slipped a little, revealing the crack of his ass, a hint of firm buttock.

When he walked past Loren again, Loren couldn’t help but leer.

“Damn, Jeremy is a lucky man,” he growled, swatting Kai’s ass as he went by. To his delight Kai blushed, grabbing at his towel and clutching it like an outraged maiden.

“Stop it,” he hissed, and Loren laughed out loud as Kai practically scurried into his bedroom and slammed the door. Shit, he’d missed this, the easy friendship, the teasing—and the love.

He met Kai when they were just a couple of years out of high school and attending community college. They had a class or two in common, and became friends and study partners. It didn’t take Loren long to realize his gorgeous new friend was gay, and Loren, being closeted, immature, and desperate to connect sexually and emotionally with somebody after the devastation of losing Eliot, made a clumsy, insistent pass at him one night. Kai fought him off with a ferocity that embarrassed and angered him, and they didn’t speak for a couple of months.

Then Loren, pursuing a criminal justice degree with his sights set on the police academy, enrolled in a victimology course. During the class, which dealt with the psychology behind handling victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, Loren came to realize his new friend had some deep-seated wounds of his own.

Loren swallowed his pride and made the first move toward repairing their relationship, a move that led to a deep and intimate friendship that was going on its eighth year. Although they were no longer lovers and hadn’t been for months, Loren would do anything for him, and he knew Kai felt the same.

After a few minutes, Kai came out dressed in some loose jeans and a T-shirt, and he jerked his head toward the bathroom.

“Get washed up,” he said, “and I’ll make us some sandwiches. Still have some of your clean sweats in that bottom drawer.”

Loren winked at him and went to take a shower, gratified to find his small kit of spare toiletries still stashed under the bathroom sink. He made quick work of his shower and shave, then dug his sweatpants out of the drawer, throwing one of Kai’s oversized hoodies on too.

He and Kai sat on the couch together and ate the sandwiches Kai made, watching a little football, and when they were done, Kai muted the sound and turned to face Loren on the couch.

“Spill,” he ordered. “What’s going on with you? And don’t tell me ‘nothing,’ Loren Smith, because I know you
way
better than that.”

Loren gave a rueful smile. It was true: Kai knew him better than anyone. So he told him about the fucked-up undercover op, the near-death experience, leaving out the job offer for now. He still wanted to think about it, maybe discuss it with his dad and brothers before telling anyone else.

“I didn’t even think when I took that gun from the dude, Kai,” he said. “It was all instinct. Krav Maga saved my life.”

“Do you think he was going to kill you, then?” Kai asked with curiosity in his tone. “Even with all his talk of taking you and ‘questioning’ you?”

Loren nodded. “They were going to waste us right there, man, and leave our bodies to rot. Think about it: these assholes were going to try and manhandle two hostages over to some fucking warehouse and get us tied up securely, figuring we had a backup team somewhere close? I’m not a small guy, and Slats was so terrified I doubt he could even walk. That dude was gonna shoot me and then Slats with my own gun, and they would have been gone and on the interstate outta town before the surveillance team would have figured out where to even begin looking for us. Fucking Slats.”

He still couldn’t help but snort with utter disgust at the informant’s cowardice and the way he blew the whole fucking thing in the first ten minutes.

“Jesus, Loren,” Kai whispered. “I had no idea how close I came to losing you.” He scooted a little closer and leaned his head against Loren’s shoulder like he always used to do, and Loren wrapped his arm around him, pulling him close.

“You’ll never lose me, Kai,” he whispered back, kissing the top of his head. “That is never going to happen.”

They sat there like that for a few minutes until Kai pulled back, and Loren let him go, watching as he moved away and settled on the other end of the couch. Kai stretched his feet out until they just rested against Loren’s thigh.

“So what else, Loren?” he asked quietly. “There’s something else bothering you. Talk to me.”

Loren swallowed hard. He’d never talked about Eliot with anyone except his therapist, but Kai had a psychology degree. He was also a high school teacher who dealt with troubled kids, and Loren trusted his judgment and insight more than anyone else’s on earth.

“Need a beer for this, man,” he whispered, and he padded to the kitchen and popped the tops on two bottles of beer, handing one to Kai before settling back down on the couch next to him. This time Kai propped his feet in Loren’s lap, and Loren put his hand on Kai’s crossed ankles, glad of the warmth and the contact.

“When I was six or so, my mom told me to go over and meet my neighbor….”

Loren told Kai the whole story, not holding anything back. Kai didn’t say anything but he listened intently, an occasional troubled frown crossing his face.

When Loren was done, Kai sat up and looked at him, his eyes steady.

“Loren, are you intending to get involved with this guy?”

Loren gave a helpless shrug. “Yes. When I left him that night, I told him we’d talk when I got back.”

He smiled at the memory of Eliot trying to coax him into his apartment after their walk, Loren gently but firmly declining, saying it was too soon, that he wanted to run home to Oregon for a few days and take care of a few things. Eliot had stretched up and kissed him good-bye, murmuring that he’d miss him.

“He’s been a part of my life since I was six, Kai.”

Kai put his hand on Loren’s knee. “But he hasn’t been, Loren, not for nine years. You don’t have the first idea of what life will be like with him.”

Loren leaned back and crossed his arms behind his head. “I know he’s got a mental illness, Kai. I’ve seen it.”

“Have you?” Kai asked. “From what you’ve told me, you’ve seen him mostly functional, if a little ‘weird,’ your words. You don’t get hospitalized five times in one year for just being weird or talking fast, Loren. He must have had some kind of manic break, and once he has
one
, there
will
be more, especially if he’s not compliant with his meds or his lifestyle. It’s a progressive disorder, and if it’s not treated, it just continues to get worse.”

Loren scrubbed his hands over his face before blowing out a breath. “So you’re saying there’s no hope for him, Kai?” he asked, bitterness lacing his voice. “That I should just turn my back on him like everybody else in his fucking life has? That he doesn’t deserve happiness?”

“I’m not saying that at all, Loren, and you know it. I just think you need to educate yourself on the realities of being involved with someone who has this level of mental illness. If he’s not willing to even try to be compliant with his treatment regimen and adjust his lifestyle, and by that I mean cut out the drinking, for one thing, then all I see happening for you is heartbreak after heartbreak.”

Loren started in surprise as Kai stood up and moved into his lap, and he wrapped his arms around him and held him close.

“You are the most selfless, giving man I have ever met in my entire life,” Kai whispered. “You took a chance on me when I thought I was worthless and unlovable, and there’s no way I would be anywhere close to the man I am now if it weren’t for you.”

Loren squeezed him hard, making Kai grunt. “Stop it, Kai,” he said severely, trying to mask his emotion. “You’re the one who did all the work. I was just there.”

“My rock, my support, steady and patient,” Kai murmured. He hugged Loren again and then climbed off his lap, moving back to his corner of the couch. “Eliot is a lucky man to have you,” he continued, picking up his beer and taking a drink. “And yes, he’s got challenges in his life that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. But make him deserve you, Loren. Put expectations on him, let him know that as long as he’s trying, you’ll be there. Just like you did for me.”

Loren gave him a wistful smile, in that moment wishing with all his heart he’d been ready to claim Kai’s love for his own back when it was offered so freely.

Just then Kai’s cell phone rang. When he answered it, he seemed to light up from within, a warm glow in his beautiful golden eyes Loren had never seen directed at him, even in their most intimate of moments.

Yes, Kai was exactly where he needed to be.

LOREN TOOK
his leave from Kai a little while later and headed for his parents’ place. They still lived in the same house in the same neighborhood from when he was a boy. As he pulled up to the curb, he looked toward Eliot’s old house, grimacing a little as a familiar pain lanced through him. Instead of avoiding it this time, though, like he’d always done when it happened, he welcomed it, letting it flood through him and bring the long-buried memories to life.

Leaving his truck at the curb, he walked toward Eliot’s house, reliving the childhood moments he could recall so clearly—riding bikes out in the cul-de-sac, Eliot’s thin legs pumping as he rode as fast as he could; the way they’d tramp through the woods for hours playing spies and explorers; their sleepover nights giggling together under a blanket fort while they played with flashlights.

Loren stood on the sidewalk and looked up at the ledge that ran under the window of what used to be Eliot’s old room, remembering that night out in the rain, Eliot’s bone-deep despair and sadness, and the way they made love to each other in Eliot’s rumpled, moonlit bed a little while later.