Unmistakable (8 page)

I stop for a moment, and slowly shake my head, as if I’m trying to wake up from a nightmare. “But, I’m only human, Roxy, and the moment you finally destroy me, mark my word, it’ll be the absolute worst thing you could have done to yourself.”

Then, I walk away. I’m not interested in what she has to say. She wants to draw a line in the sand, well too bad, I’ll wipe the line right the fuck off. I’m willing to fight…I’m prepared to get hurt, and I’m not backing down no matter how much she shuts me out. But, as I told her, everyone has a limit. I hope she won’t push me there. God, I hope I won’t end up there.

I’ve always been powerless when it comes to Cody. The moment I sense him in my room…
our
room.
Now, it’s our room. Girl, you’re giving me whiplash! There’s a magic pill for that, you know. You can’t deny what your heart wants. You know you want him, let him prove it…let him fix it! He seems to be a DIY guy! You know the kind.

I choose to ignore me talking to myself because if I listen to my heart, my head might follow, and I’ll surrender to my body’s wishes. FYI, you surrendered not too long ago. Your wondergina was throbbing with happiness, as your body was having a seizure of the sexual kind.

What my heart wants is to forgive my love…my Cody. But, said love has stepped on my heart one too many times. I’ve forgiven him when he didn’t tell me about LT working for my uncle, and the reason behind it; but hiding the truth about LT being my brother, I don’t think I can forgive him. I don’t know if I can forgive them. Both of them should’ve told me.

Slowly but surely my brain understands what my heart wants. Deep inside, I know I can forgive him. For the first time in my life, I’m willing to overlook someone breaking my trust because of love.

My moment of silence comes to a halt, because Tami barges into my room, popping my bubble, more than likely with the evil intention to wake my ass up. If she only knew….

“Roxy! Rise and shine!”

Ha! You’re too late girlfriend…something rose…oh, it did rise!

“I’m up! Hitler!” I yell back.

“Oh, well, either jump in the shower or eat breakfast because…” hitting her wrist, “….time’s a ticking. We’re on a schedule.”

Giving her a salute I say, “Roger that.”

After my much needed alone time in the shower, I head straight to the kitchen for breakfast, where I find LT and the boys planning our route. My plan is to be quiet and to stay quiet.

“Morning, Roxy,” LT says with his pleading eyes aimed at me.

I don’t answer because there’s nothing to say
. I’m calling bullshit. Of course, there’s a lot to say! So, don’t hold on to the shit, instead talk about it.

When I found out from my dad and stepmother about the existence of another child, I’ve been waiting, even praying for us to meet. But now…now that it’s here, I don’t know what to do with it. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to him, it’s just I want to make sure my head is right and my feelings aren’t masked by hurt. Yelling won’t solve anything. It’ll just exacerbate a very awkward situation. Except, LT is nothing, but persistent. He’s like a tick that won’t go away.

“I need to talk to you, Roxy. Now,” LT demands in a tone I’m sure he uses when he’s talking to his men.

LT talking to me this way makes my hackles go up. Who the hell does he think he is? NOW? Oh, GI Joe better slam on the brakes, because this conversation can derail in a heartbeat.

I raise my eyebrow. “I’m not one of your pee-ons, okay? I’d tread lightly, Damien, if I were you,” I respond with as much venom in my tone as I can manage.

He shakes his head. “If you can attempt to act your age for just a second, maybe, we can actually make some headway.”

I notice Cody and Brian leave, and it irritates me more that Cody didn’t stay.
What do you expect? Did you forget, already, what you told him after you banged him! You’re certifiable!
I roll my eyes at myself, but LT thought I was doing it to him.

“Can you cut the crap, Roxy? I know, you’re not going to make it easy for me, and I accept that, but leave Cody out of it. He was adamant not to do it my way. I insisted for the simple reason I knew you’d pull away. I didn’t miss the mark; I read you like a book. Finding out you’re my sister, God,” he sighs and shakes his head. “I can’t even begin to tell you how happy that made me. I thought I was going crazy. Ever since Dylan introduced us, I’ve had these feelings of wanting to get to know you more, but not wanting you sexually. I’ve never felt this way, ever, and it confused the shit out of me. Now I know, it’s because you’re my sister. We’ve always had this easy relationship, please don’t take that away. Mom didn’t want to give you up. You have to believe that. She fought for as long as she could, but they were just too powerful, even now. Mom loves you so much, please don’t be mad at her. I can take your hateful words…just don’t aim them at her. She’s suffered enough.” Taking a deep breath he continues, “In fact, we’ve all suffered enough to last us a lifetime. I think it’s time to turn it around. Don’t you think so, Roxy? I love you too, you know.” LT eyes me with restraint.

I decide right then to give in, because we both deserve this time…
our
time.

“I know what you’re saying. I’ve had that feeling, too, but now that we’re here, it seems too much, you know? God, how I wished for so long to find you after hearing about you. You don’t know how many nights I wished for her arms to be around me. How I wished to hear her say she loves me. Too many nights, Damien. Too many nights to count. And, then this…” A tone filled with sadness escapes me. “I guess, I was hoping you’d be honest enough to just tell me, instead of this covert operation you planned,” I say using air quotes when I said ‘covert operation’.

I continue on, with less anger in my voice and more love…
love
for a brother I missed so much. “For ten years, my stepmother from hell treated me as if I’m a waste of space, dad lied to me, and now, you do the same thing. If you love me as you say you do, why lie? No one wants to be lied to no matter the reason. Your love for me should’ve been the reason to be honest with me. Isn’t it what you guys drum about being ‘
always faithful
’? What happened to that code you guys live by?”

He looks outside the window where the sun is just barely peeking, and the look on his face completely loosens the noose I have on my anger toward him. His face is a mixture of serenity and misery. Can there be such an expression? Isn’t it when you’re peaceful, you’re not in pain and vice versa? The combination of both is ironic…it’s too heartbreaking to witness. To wage a war against two of the most extreme feelings one can feel, the person fighting both is certain to be in agony. How can you fight against yourself? Who wins?

LT starts biting his lower lip as if he’s fighting back tears, then he speaks, and my heart breaks for him. “The toughest decisions are the ones that hurt the most, but it shouldn’t deter you to make them, anyway. I’ve had men under my command for many years, many I’ve lost; but those that remained continued to rely and trust on my judgment. In my line of work, I don’t have the luxury to second guess myself. I listen to what’s right here,” He says, pointing to his head. “Because, if I listen to what’s right here,” He points to his heart, “…my judgments will be clouded with feelings. Feelings have no place in my line of work. So, it’s our trust and our faithfulness to each other that enable us to do what we’re called to do. No matter the cost, because the end game, is for the greater good. Do you know what it means to lay down your life to save another?” LT asks, his eyes searching mine, holding me with his stare, and silencing me at the same time.

How do I answer that? I haven’t ever thought of giving my life to save another. Then, it hits me, stopping my thoughts, and squeezing my heart. The force, which rocks me to my core makes my heart hurt as if something were squeezing it so hard. It’s enough to wake me and make me understand the meaning behind every single action Cody and the rest of the guys are doing to save me.

It hurts to know that Cody, the only man who has ever loved me; LT, my brother whose love I’ve been missing; Jake, whom I love like a brother; and Brian, who loves me like a sister, all of them are sacrificing their lives for mine. I let out a gut wrenching sob, knowing I could lose them all at any given time. Weakness takes over, and I fall…I fall on my knees with tears streaming down my face. The fear overtakes my senses, and it takes my entire being hostage.

I’m consumed by shame. Shame covers me like a blanket filled with thorns, each pin size sharp point reminds me of how selfish I am…of how selfish I’ve been. The weight of my shame and selfishness, as well as, the fear of losing the ones I love, most specially Cody, cripples me. I think I’m strong enough to face anything….strong enough to weather whatever comes my way. Boy, was I ever wrong.

Living with my dad made me think I could survive the ugly parts of life, but I was mistaken. The helplessness I felt ten years ago is
nothing
…nothing compared to the sense of anguish and despair I feel, right now. It’s in this moment, I realize the thought of not having someone love me is not as debilitating as losing the ones who love me….selflessly.

Then, what do I do in return? I act like a child, stomp my feet, and treat them like crap. All because shit didn’t go down how
I
wanted it. The secret wasn’t meant to hurt me. In reality, Cody kept it to protect me, and Damien kept it to prepare me. How could I be so wrong?

I feel LT’s strong arms shield me from my imaginary, self-inflicted wound. His calm, even voice, and sweet words make me cry even more, my guilt slashing my heart like freaking Edward Scissor Hands. I don’t deserve his kindness…his understanding. Yet, he gives it willingly.

Suddenly, I feel a familiar pair of arms…arms full of love and acceptance, so I surrender to them. I embrace them with no humiliation, because his love erases every single morsel of guilt piercing my soul. His words…
his
words heal me.

“I’m here, love. Let it go; I’m here,” Cody sweetly whispers in my ear.

I mutter between sobs, “I’m so sorry…so sorry.”

His arms tighten around me as he says, “Nothing to be sorry for.”

I bury my face in his neck, needing his warmth. “I love you, Cody. Please forgive me. Please, don’t stop loving me,” I mumble, hoping he’ll understand, while I make a silent promise to myself never to disappoint him like this again.

Not Ever.

LT’s soft voice saves me from my pity party, “We have to go. Carry her to the car.”

“You okay, Roxy?” Tami gives my shoulder a squeeze, and I gaze at her with apologetic eyes.

Cody carries me to the car without uttering a single word. He doesn’t have to, because the way he’s holding me speaks volumes. His touch conveys a multitude of sweet words without saying them, his heat…his heat I absorb it. I want to crawl inside him…inside the
heaven
he created for me…for us. The air he breathes is as much his as it is mine. I don’t want to lose this…I don’t want to lose him. I hope he holds me until the day I breathe in my last breath.

It’s not until the car starts moving, and I’m tucked in next to him that Cody whispers to me. The words he utters humbles me…

“Roxy, I’ll never stop loving you. My mom once told me that love always
trusts
…it always
protects
…always
perseveres
… and it always
hopes
. I’ll always trust your actions are fueled by love…I’ll always protect you because you’re mine, as I am yours…I’ll always persevere to keep our love strong and our commitment solid. I’ll always hope your love for me will be as unmistakable as when you first loved me.”

He seals it with a kiss so magical it transports me to our
blissful place,
without him being inside me. As his tongue glides inside my mouth in search of its mate, my tongue finds him. Every flick of his tongue, as well as each time mine quickly brushes his, is a vow of our devotion to each other. The pace in which he devours me is equivalent to how fast I want to say ‘I love you’ to him, each and every time. My heart is full…my mind clear, and my guilt…my Cody erases them all.