I Can't Want It By Myself. . .
It was now September, and three months had passed since Victoria had resigned from ViaTech. She was running her business full-time, and even with all the headaches of growing a start-up company, she was happy. She was pursuing her dream, her friends were doing well, and she was in love with a wonderful man who loved her back. Her only problem was the nagging fear invading her thoughts, the fear that things were too good to be true. She was waiting for something bad to happen, for the other shoe to drop.
One morning she awoke from a restless sleep, her mind battling with the troubled thoughts that seemed to cling to her lately.
Ted felt the tension in her body. “V, what's wrong?” he asked, his voice still heavy with sleep. They were lying in their usual positionâhim spooning her from behind. He turned her around to face him.
“I feel like things are too good to be true,” she said, looking him in the eye. “When you're this happy, things don't last.”
Ted stroked her hair. “Honey, don't think like that. You deserve happiness. And sure, every day won't be sunshine and roses, but when things get rough I'll be here for you.”
Ted kissed her chin, then found his favorite spot on her neck before moving on to her breasts. Tenderly, his tongue circled her nipples, sucking until her fears were replaced with moans. He rubbed his growing erection against her thigh. Victoria closed her eyes, tilted her head back into the pillow and enjoyed his loving tongue. Their bodies began to move together in anticipation of early morning lovemaking.
She ran her fingers through his hair, delighting in his hardness as she pressed her body against his. She opened her legs and moved against him in a slow, rotating grind. He slipped off his pajama bottoms and removed her teddy, kissing her slowly as he reached into his nightstand for a condom. He slipped it on. “Are you ready for me?” he asked, knowing that she was, feeling her wetness smeared against his leg.
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?” he teased, wanting to hear her say it again.
“Yes, yes!” Victoria panted. She reached for him, guiding him to the meeting between her thighs.
Their erotic sounds filled the room as he penetrated her, gliding in and out with controlled ease. She wrapped her legs around him, bringing her lips up to his for a passionate kiss. He knew she was almost there. A few more strokes and he would again bring her to orgasm. He could feel his own climax about to unleash, but he wanted to wait until he felt her thighs tense and her nails dig into his back. He wanted to hear her call his name in
that way
. Her hips moved with his, receiving his powerful love blows, as she sank into the feeling. “Yes,” she cried out.
“Ooohhh, Teeeddd.”
That was his favorite sound.
Afterwards, they lay cleaved to each other, their bodies tingling with slippery perspiration. Ted stroked her shoulder and kissed her forehead. “You mean the world to me.”
She searched his face and saw that his eyes carried a different intensity than she'd ever seen before.
“Do you know what that means?” he asked.
She hesitated. “I think so.”
“V, we need to talk about our future.” His tone was deep and serious.
Now she became serious too. “What do you want from me?”
“I want to marry you, spend the rest of my life with you, and have children with you. I want us to build a life together.”
This was the thing that scared Victoria most about her relationship with Tedâwhat their future was going to be. Their present was fine, wonderful in fact. But it was what lay ahead that gave her pause.
She'd always wanted to get married and have a family someday. She'd imagined how her life would be: a handsome and loving husband; well behaved, neatly groomed children; a beautiful home; a happy life. A life much like the one she'd had growing up.
Victoria released herself from his arms. “Have you considered what that would mean?”
“Yes, and I'm ready for that commitment.”
“What about children?”
“I'd like to have at least two, maybe three. Wouldn't you?”
Victoria shook her head slowly. “That's not what I mean.” She paused. “Our children would be biracial.”
There it was. The elephant in the room they'd danced around for months. Not since his birthday had they talked about race in their relationship. Ted hadn't told her that he'd had a similar conversation with her father two months ago when her parents had come to town for a visit. Neither had he mentioned the conversation he'd had with his mother during his Thanksgiving visit last year. But the longer they ignored it, the larger the elephant grew, until it was unavoidable.
“Do you know what kind of obstacles and prejudice our children would face? They'd be too white to be black, and too black to be white,” Victoria said, repeating her mother's words.
“But they'd also have the best of us. We'd just need to teach them how to be good people and surround them with love.”
“That sounds so simple and easy. But the reality is that more than likely our children will look black, and they'll be treated like they're black.”
“Okay?” Ted responded, shrugging his shoulders. He didn't want to have this particular conversation so early in the morning, and particularly not after an orgasm.
Victoria sat up in bed, pulling the sheet up to her chest. “What if we had a son? How would you raise a little black boy to be a man in this society? The rules for black men are very different,” she said. “You don't know what it's like. You're the boy next door. How could you raise him to be a strong, confident black man, secure in his identity? You wouldn't have a clue.”
Ted sat up beside her. “I would teach him how to be a good person, period. Love and guidance are what kids need, in any circumstance. I've learned that from spending time with Jermaine. I'm good with him. You've seen how well we get along.”
“That's different. Jermaine is practically an adult. I'm talking about raising a little black child and dealing with all that comes along with it day in and day out.”
Ted hated to admit it, but he knew that Victoria was partly right, and it scared him. He feared that there were things he might not be able to teach his black son.
Victoria continued. “Have you ever been followed through a store or pulled over by the cops for no apparent reason, or lost out on a job opportunity simply because of how you look?” she hammered away. “Well, plenty of black folk have. I have. That's the reality of what possibly awaits a child of ours. I can deal with it because I've had to all my life. But could you? Could you deal with those realities?”
They stared at each other. “Are you prepared for that? Are you?” she pressed.
Ted put his hand on hers. “I don't have all the answers, and sometimes the thought of it scares the shit out of me. But I'm prepared to deal with whatever comes our way.” He paused. “But I can't want it by myself.”
He had posed the question without having to ask it. Was it what
she
wanted? Was she up for the task? Would she be the hold upânot him?
Victoria searched Ted's eyes. She believed he would be a great father and a loving husband. She could be herself with himâgoofy, silly, argumentative, quirky, vulnerable, and girlish. He knew how to please her, attending to her wants and needs. And although he wasn't handy at all around the house, which was a small disappointment, he more than made up for it with his sincerity and gentleness.
When she'd told her parents that she and Ted were “a couple,” Elizabeth had shown quiet approval. But John, on the other hand, had been more vocal, spelling out his concernâsomething he'd never done before. He liked Ted, but all his life he'd fought men who looked like his daughter's boyfriend, so it was hard for him to separate his past experience from Victoria's present situation. He'd always wanted the best for her, and not allowing her to follow her dream, as his father had allowed him to do, still ate away at him. But as much as he wanted to support her now, he had serious reservations about her new relationship.
John and Elizabeth had come to town two months ago to celebrate Victoria's thirty-fourth birthday, and the grand opening of Divine Occasions' new office. They had a lovely time during dinner, but when they came back to Victoria's house for coffee and dessert, the serious showdown began. John and Ted sat side by side and talked privately on the patio deck in Victoria's backyard. Both men were honest and to the point.
“What are your intentions with my daughter?” John asked. His voice was direct.
“I love Victoria,” Ted answered, but not as forcefully as he'd liked. John made him nervous. He knew it was always a battle of wills and nerve when two powerful men engaged. He tried to be as commanding as John, but he felt himself slipping. “I'm very serious about our relationship and our future together.”
“So you want to marry Victoria?”
“Yes, I do. I see that you're not comfortable with that. Is it because you don't think I'll be a good husband to your daughter, or is it because I'm white?”
John chuckled. He heard the break in Ted's voice but admired his determination. “Ted, you're a good man. But as to what kind of husband you'll be, I can't speak to that. Marriage changes a man. Not every good man makes a good husband. But yes, I have concerns about my daughter marrying outside the race. Interracial relationships can be difficult, and you'll need more than just love to make it work,” John said.
Ted's response was swift. He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward in his Adirondack chair, positioning himself closer to John. “I can't promise that I'll always be a good husband, but I can promise that I'll always try. And I can't promise that we won't have problems, but I can promise that I'll work hard as hell to deal with them and take care of her. I love her as a man. Not as a white man, or a wealthy man . . . just as a man.”
John and Ted sat in silence, each thinking about what the other had said. Finally, John spoke his honest conclusion: “I'm going to hold you to that.”
Back in the present moment as they lay in bed with Ted's statement hanging in the air, he held his breath, waiting for it to be answered. Victoria stared at him long and hard. He was asking her if she wanted him. Asking her if she wanted happiness, and children, and love. Asking her if she wanted a lifetime with him.
“I want it too,” she said, snuggling close. “I guess we'll just have to ride this train as far as it'll take us.”