Under the Open Sky (Montana Heritage Series) (55 page)

             
“Amanda, hi!” Reece was clearly pleased and surprised to see her.

             
“Hi,” she smiled nervously.

             
“Come in,” Reece invited. “And excuse the mess,” Reece scooped a newspaper off the couch. “What brings you over here?” Reece queried after they were seated on the couch, Amanda turned until her legs were almost in his lap.

             
“I wanted to see you,” she told him.

             
“Good, I like seeing you too,” he grinned at her. “Where’s Cadey-Lynn?”

             
“She’s with Jenny; she’s watching her tonight,” Amanda informed him. She watched surprise register in his expression.

             
“Oh.”

             
“I wanted it to be just you and me tonight,” she told him.

             
“Okay,” Reece reached to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Are you hungry? I could cook us some dinner,” Reese offered.

             
“No,” Amanda shook her head and leaned forward to kiss him. Reese kissed her back and pulled her into his lap.

             
“You sure about this, Amanda?” Reese was studying her closely.

             
“I’m sure,” she nodded.

             
Reece kissed her again; then lifted her to carry her to his room.               Amanda was hoping that she wasn’t shaking as bad as she feared she was. As Reece kissed her and she kissed him back, Amanda felt some of the tension leave her. She could do this; she could and then she would have proven to herself that she could move on.

             
Reece’s hands slid over her and Amanda reached to unbutton his shirt and run her hands over his chest. He had a fair amount of hair on his chest; his muscles were firm. When he reached to unbutton her shirt, his mouth still on hers, Amanda didn’t hesitate; she kissed him back and invited him closer. It wasn’t until her shirt was open and his eyes were on her that she felt a moment of panic.

             
“You’re so beautiful,” he cupped her jaw. His gaze swept over her again. He lifted the wedding band and chain from her chest and Amanda felt sick. She was supposed to remove that before showering and leave it on her dresser; she was so used to it being there that she had forgotten it.

             
“Was it your mother’s?” Reece asked.

             
Amanda closed her eyes and felt tears well; she couldn’t do this.

             
“Amanda? What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

             
“It wasn’t my mother’s. It was Cade’s mother’s,” she admitted.

             
“Oh,” she watched his brows draw down. “I see.”

             
“Reece, I’m sorry, I figured Cadey-Lynn would want it one day…”

             
“That’s why you wear it?” his gaze was searching hers.

             
“No,” Amanda felt her tears spill over. “I’m sorry, Reece; I wanted to do this I really did.”

             
“Why, Amanda? Because you love me?” Reece demanded.

             
“I really like you, Reece,” she offered around her tears.

             
“You’re ready to sleep with me because you really like me,” Reece sighed and shoved a hand through his hair, “or because you wanted to prove something to yourself?”

             
“Reece, I’m sorry. You have been so patient with me and I knew you wanted to sleep with me but you never made an issue of it,” Amanda tried explaining.

             
“I do want you but not like this, not with you here to prove something, Amanda. I knew something was off when you arrived; I just wasn’t sure what,” Reece shook his head; his gaze was tender when it landed on Amanda. “You’re still in love with him, Amanda. I knew it the night I showed up wearing the wrong cologne; I just couldn’t decide what to do about it, because I love you and I wanted to give it every chance I could.”

             
“Reece, it was a long time ago and I’m moving on with my life,” Amanda was sobbing now.

             
“You’re trying, Amanda; I’ll give you that. The fact is you still love him, doesn’t matter that he left you; you love him. You aren’t ready to move on and you certainly aren’t ready for this. You can’t put a magic number on it, Amanda. There isn’t a day on the calendar that you get up and flip a switch and it’s suddenly all over. It doesn’t work that way.”

             
“I am so sorry, Reece.”

             
“For what? Loving deeply and whole heatedly? No one should ever apologize for that,” Reece wrapped his arms around her and stroked her back.

             
“I have no right to ask this but will you just hold me, just for a moment?”

             
“I’ll hold you as long as you want,” he promised.

____________________________________________________

              Amanda drove back to the ranch the next morning feeling as though she been through a great battle and lost. She couldn’t believe that she had cried herself to sleep in Reece’s arms and he had held her all night without waking her to run her off. Amanda sighed. She was obviously broken. Another amazing, wonderful guy who was ready to devote himself to her and all she could feel was friendship and a little physical attraction. She had to be a guy’s worst nightmare. She carried around a thing for an old flame and couldn’t quite get the hang of the whole casual sex thing. It was with a defeated sigh that Amanda entered the house to pick up her daughter.

             
“Hi,” Jenny greeted with a smile. Her smile faded as she surveyed her friend. “You don’t look like a woman who just had an uninhibited night of amazing sex; what happened?” Jenny demanded a she motioned for Amanda to sit down at the table while Jenny finished preparing homemade baby food.

             
“Well, first of all I forgot to take this off,” Amanda lifted the ring from her neck.

             
“Amanda! You’re still wearing that thing?” Jenny’s eyes were wide. Amanda nodded. “Oh, Mandy, honey,” Jenny moved to the table and slid down across from her friend. “He wanted to know about it,” Jenny guessed.

             
“Yes, and I started crying and it went downhill from there. I cried myself to sleep in his arms and he held me all night. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I fall head over heels in love with him, Jenny?”

             
“Mandy, I’m sorry. What did he say?” Jenny was watching her friend closely.

             
“He told me that I wasn’t ready to be dating, let alone sleeping with someone, that I couldn’t mark a date on the calendar and decide to flip it off at the switch,” Amanda shared.

             
“I’m sorry, Mandy; we didn’t mean to rush you and hurt you. We just wanted to see you happy,” Jenny moved to hug Amanda.

             
“I made the decisions not all of you. I am through with dating, Jenny; I can’t keep doing this to myself or to these poor men,” Amanda wiped at her tears. “Reece is right; I’m not ready. I need to get Cadey-Lynn,” Amanda stood.

             
“Leave her and go take a little time for yourself. She is busy imparting all her worldly knowledge on to Angie. This is the quietest Angie has been in a long time,” Jenny offered her friend a smile.

             
“I think I will. Thanks, Jenny.”

             
“You’re welcome. I love you, Mandy.”

             
“I love you too,” Amanda hugged Jenny fiercely.

             
Amanda pulled her Jeep down to her cabin and changed her clothes before she walked to the barn and climbed into the loft to be alone with her memories. She hadn’t been up here in a long time, she mused as she remembered how she used to escape up here to read. Amanda closed her eyes and let memories, some happy, some bittersweet wash over her. To change anything would be to forego her daughter and Amanda knew she wouldn’t undo any of it. Amanda was still lying there when she heard her father come in and start talking to the horses as he went about his work. She was considering climbing down to say hi when she heard her aunt enter; her aunt seldom came to the barn.

             
“What brings you out here, Naomi?” Sterling greeted his sister.

             
“I have held my tongue for years, Sterling, I have tried not to interfere with the way you were raising your children unless it was something I felt strongly on but I have to say something now. I only wish I had said it sooner,” Naomi’s voice was shaking.

             
“Do you know what you have done to your daughter? Do you know how much pain she is still in? She just went and threw herself at a man she doesn’t love because everyone keeps telling her to move on. You say you want her happy but you never gave them a chance, Sterling. Cade might have been like Darrell, he might have broken her heart in the long run but at least then she would have a sense of closure; she doesn’t even have that, all she has are questions!”

             
“Naomi, I made what I felt was the best decision for my daughter; do you think I wanted to hurt her? No! But I wasn’t going to sit back and watch some cowboy ruin her life. Amanda deserves better…”

             
“She deserves better than you have treated her, Sterling. Could you not see the way they watched each other? Have you forgotten what that felt like? You had that, Sterling; you had that with Nikkie. What if by sending Cade away you took her one shot at having what you had?” Naomi asked before she turned and left.

             
Amanda lay on her back, tears of gratitude on her cheeks. Below, Amanda could hear her father slamming things around.

             
“I know what’s best,” he muttered. “I did what I had to do.”

             
Amanda waited until he stormed from the barn to climb from the loft and meander out of the barn. She walked and walked until she came to a small out cropping of rocks on a rise overlooking one of the many creeks that cut across the ranch. Thunder rumbled overhead but Amanda ignored it. At some point she had taken all of her hurt, dreams, and fears and had carefully packed them away rather than dealing with them. Last night had ransacked them, strewing them across her mind and heart leaving her no choice but to acknowledge they were still there. As the skies opened, Amanda lifted her face and closed her eyes to let the rain wash away her tears. A moment later she lay flat on her back as sobs wracked her body. By the time Amanda had cried herself out, the rain had slacked to a gentle drizzle. Feeling chilled, Amanda sat up and stood to return to the cabin. She took a long shower before settling down with her journal to make an entry before going for her daughter.

             
Cade,

     I have failed at yet another relationship. I’m through trying. I threw myself at him, Cade. I decided that if I slept with him it would get you out of my head. Only you were right; I don’t do casual relationships and I couldn’t do it. He held me while I cried myself to sleep and then all night. If I can’t fall for a man like that then I am through trying. I can’t keep putting myself or these men through that. My Aunt Naomi stood up for us this afternoon, Cade. She completely shocked me. Neither of them knew I was in the loft; sound familiar? Naomi said something, she said that in the long run perhaps you would have been like Darrell and would have hurt me. Now I’m wondering: who was Darrell? Is my aunt more like me that I realized? I love you; I always will. Miss you.

Thirty-Six

              Amanda started cleaning the day after Cadey-Lynn’s third birthday, clearing her house of junk the way the Chinook winds were clearing the ground of snow. She had gone through every kitchen cabinet, the refrigerator, the freezer, and the pantry. She then moved into the office to go through paperwork and file away newer paperwork, while tossing out outdated documents that longer needed to be kept. She then tackled the living room and the ever growing movie collection Cadey-Lynn had started. She de-webbed, dusted, vacuumed, mopped, cleared the bathroom cabinets of all but what was needed and then headed up stairs. Cadey-Lynn had followed behind her much of the day and copied her mother’s actions. When Amanda moved into Cadey-Lynn’s room she sat down with the toy box and called her daughter over. This was now their third day of spring cleaning.

             
“Okay, Cadey-Lynn, you have out grown a lot of these toys and we have to get rid of some. I want you to help me choose some to give to Angie and then we are going to throw away the ones that are broken, okay?”

             
“I can keep my favorites?” Cadey-Lynn’s blue eyes were anxious.

             
“Yes, ma’am; we aren’t going give away the things you enjoy most,” Amanda promised. Three hours later Amanda had managed to convince Cadey-Lynn that not every toy in the toy box was her favorite and to weed out the broken ones.