Authors: Iris Murdoch
Under the Net (20 page)
âWhat?'
âPerhaps it won't go through the door after all!'
I was laughing so much I could hardly get this out. Then Finn began to laugh too, and we both lay on the floor and laughed like maniacs until we could do nothing more but groan.
After that we started hunting for where Sammy kept his whisky, and when we had found it we had a couple of stiff ones. Finn showed signs of wanting to settle down to this, but I led him back to the cage.
âCome on!' I told Finn briskly, âand let him do what he likes with his feet!'
We lifted the upended cage from the ground, holding it at each end by the bars. At first Mister Mars began to slip and slither; but it was soon evident that in our anxiety about his welfare we had reckoned without his own intelligence. As soon as he realized that he had nothing to stand on but the bars, he tucked up his legs and lay stretched out along the side of the cage, looking a little uncomfortable but perfectly calm. When we saw this we began to laugh again so much that we had to put the cage down.
âFor heaven's sake!' I said at last, and we marched towards the door.
The cage itself was very light, and most of the weight was Mars. It wasn't difficult to carry. I held my breath. The thing jarred against the doorway.
âSteady!' I said to Finn, who was going first. He was facing me and walking backwards and I could see his eyes growing as round as saucers. We jostled it and edged it in silence. Then Finn was stepping backwards into the hallway, and the cage was sliding through the door like a piston through a cylinder. There wasn't half an inch to spare.
âWe've done it!' cried Finn.
âWait,' I said, âthere's the other door.'
We opened the door into the corridor. The cage slid through it as if it were greased with vaseline. We put it down outside and shook hands. I stepped back into Sammy's flat, and took a last look at the living-room; it looked rather like a battle scene, but I didn't see that I could do anything about that.
I was about to close Sammy's front door, when Finn said, âLook, even if we can get out of the building, how are we going to get this thing away? The police will be asking us what we're doing.'
âWe'll get a taxi,' I said.
âThis won't go into an ordinary taxi,' said Finn; âwe'd have to find one with a hood that takes down.'
âThen we'll hire a lorry, I don't care,' I told him.
âBut where'll we put it meanwhile?' said Finn.
I breathed deeply. âLook,' I said, âyou're right of course. You go out and find a bloody taxi whose bloody hood takes down, or a lorry, or whatever you please, if you can do it in ten minutes. If you can't, come back and we'll carry it out and be damned. I'll wait here.'
âHadn't you better wait inside?' said Finn.
We looked deep into each other's eyes. Then we picked up the cage and carried it back into Sammy's flat.
âI'll wait in the corridor,' I said, âand if Sammy appears I'll just make off. If I'm not here when you come back you'll know we've had it.'
We shook hands again and Finn went away. I stood in the corridor biting my knuckles and listening to every sound. The thought that even at this late moment Mars could slip through my fingers tormented me into a frenzy. I went and looked at him and talked to him through the bars. Then I went into Sammy's kitchen and found a couple of pork chops which I presented to him. Then I went back to my post in the corridor.
After about five minutes I heard feet on the stairs and was preparing to fly, but it was Finn. He looked amazingly cool.
âI've got a taxi with a hood,' he said.
We lifted the cage and once more slid it out into the passage. I closed Sammy's door. Then we set off towards the stairs.
âWe'll go out the back way,' I said, âand avoid the porter.'
âThe taxi's at the front door,' said Finn.
âWell then, we'll carry the damn thing round the outside of the building!'
Then Mars dropped one of his chops and I trod on it and we nearly fell down the first flight of stairs. But I was beyond caring. When we got to the ground floor we turned sharply towards the tradesmen's entrance, Finn leading the way.
When we reached the tradesmen's door we found it was locked. We had just made this discovery when a voice behind us said âHey!' and we jumped as if we'd been shot at. It was the porter. He was a burly slow-looking man with an obstinate expression.
âCan't go out that way, you know,' he said.
âWhy not?' I asked.
âBecause it's shut at four-thirty,' he said.
âWell then, we'll go out the other way,' I told him. I would have broken his neck just then to get Mars out of the building. âPick it up!' I said to Finn. We picked it up.
âHey! Not so fast!' said the porter and barred our way. He was chewing gum.
âWe're in a hurry,' I told him. âForward march!' I said to Finn, and we started making for the main entrance, brushing the porter aside. I could see now, through the glass doors, the taxi waiting, and the taxi-driver, and it was like the sight of the promised land.
The porter went ahead of us and put his hand on the door. âNot so fast I said,' he said.
âI said we were in a hurry,' I said.
âI've got to know what you're doing, you know,' said the porter, âand what's your authority.'
âWe're removing this animal from the building,' I said, âand our authority is Mr Starfield. Have you any objection?'
The porter ruminated. Then at last he said, âObjection? I should just think not! Again and again I told Mr Starfield it's against the rules, I told him, to have pet animals in these flats. It's not a pet animal, he says to me, it's a performing dog. Performing dog! I says to him, it'd better not perform here or I'll have the trustees on you, I said. I've told you it's against the rules, I said. If I liked I could have you turned out, I said. And it's no good your offering me money neither. I don't want to lose my job, do I? I got to do my job, ain't I? It isn't for myself I mind, I told him. What's it to me if you bring a dog in, I told him. I don't mind for a dog any more than for a woman, I told him. But it's the rules ...'
While this was going on we got Mars out into the street. The taxi-driver, who had lowered the hood of his taxi, began to help us to lift the cage on. It took up the whole of the back of the taxi, lying tilted with one end down almost on the floor and the other end jutting out over the hood at the back. Poor old Mars was now back on his aluminium floor, but as it was tilting at an angle of forty-five degrees he was slithered down against the bars, together with his water-bowl, which rattled madly as we adjusted the cage. He held grimly on to his remaining pork chop and this mercifully prevented him from barking.
âPoor chap!' said the taxi-driver, who was taking it all very philosophically. âHe ain't very comfy. Let's try it this way.' And he wanted to be at the cage again.
âLeave it!' I cried, âit's very well!'
âBut now there ain't no room for you two,' said the taxi-driver.
âThere's plenty of room,' I told him. I gave the porter half a crown. Finn got up in front beside the driver, and I climbed on top of the cage and crouched in the angle between it and the back of the driving-seat.
âThat ain't much good,' said the driver. âNow, if you was to put yourself ...'
âWill you please go!' I shouted. It only remained for the taxi to fail to start. But it started. The porter waved us good-bye, and we were off towards the King's Road.
Finn turned round and looked at me and we laughed silently at each other, a long, long laugh of triumph and achievement.
âYou ain't said where I'm to go to,' said the driver, stopping the taxi at the King's Road.
âGo towards Fulham,' I told him, âand we'll tell you more in a minute!' I didn't want to run the risk of meeting Sammy coming back in his car from chez Sadie. We must have looked damned conspicuous. People turned and stared after us all the way along the road.
âLook,' I said to Finn, âthe first thing is to buy a file and let this animal out.'
âThe shops are shut,' said Finn.
âWell, we'll knock 'em up again,â I told him.
âStop at an ironmonger's shop,' I told the driver, who so far hadn't flickered an eyelid. Nothing can astonish a London taxi-driver. He stopped outside an ironmonger's in the Fulham Palace Road, and after some knocking and some argument we purchased a file.
âNow,' I said to the driver, âtake us to some quiet place near here where we can work on this thing without being disturbed.'
The driver, who knew his London, drove up to a disused timber yard near Hammersmith Bridge, and helped us to unload the cage. I should like to have dismissed him then and there, only I suspected we hadn't enough money to pay him. Finn had about three and eightpence, as usual. What he thought we were up to heaven only knows. Whatever he thought, he made no comments. Perhaps he reckoned that the more dubious our proceedings were the larger his tip was likely to be.
We settled down to work with the file, taking it in turns; but working as hard as we could it took us a good half-hour to free Mister Mars. The bars refused to bend even when they were severed at one extremity, so each of them had to be cut through twice over. Mars licked our hands while we worked, whining eagerly. He knew very well what was afoot. At last we had removed three bars, and as the file bit through the last piece of metal and the third one heeled over Mars was already struggling through the gap. I received the enormous sleek beast into my arms and then in a moment we were all tearing round and round the yard, dog barking and men shouting, as we celebrated his freedom.
âMind he doesn't run away,' said Finn.
I didn't believe that Mars would be so ungrateful as to want to leave us after all the trouble we had taken for him, but I was relieved all the same when he answered obediently to my âCome here, sir!'
After that we discussed the problem of what to do with the cage. Finn suggested that we should heave it into the river, but I was against this. There is nothing the London police hate so much as seeing people drop things into the river. We decided eventually to leave it where it was. It wasn't as if we really cared about covering our tracks, or as if this were possible anyway.
As we talked, the taxi-driver was looking at the thing thoughtfully. âUnreliable,' he said, âthese fancy locks. Always getting jammed, ain't they?' He put his hand through the bars and pressed a spring on the underside of the roof. One of the sides of the cage immediately fell open with oily smoothness. That put an end to that discussion. Finn and I studied the face of the taxi-driver. He looked back at us guilelessly. We felt beyond making any comment.
âI tell you something,' said Finn, âI'm tired. Can we go somewhere and rest now?'
I had no intention of resting; but I thought I had better let Finn off. Also I had a sudden desire to be alone with Mars. I gave Finn five bob, which was all I could spare, and told him to take the taxi to Goldhawk Road and get Dave to lend him the rest. He was reluctant to leave me and it took me some time to convince him that this was what I really wanted. At last the taxi drove away, and Mister Mars and I set off on foot towards Hammersmith Broadway.
Â
As I strode along with Mars beside me I felt like a king. We kept turning to look at each other, and I could not but feel that he approved of me as much as I approved of him. I was touched by his obedience. I am always astonished when any other creature does what I tell him. It seemed to me at that moment that pinching Mars was one of the most inspired acts of my life. It wasn't that I was thinking that there was anything in particular that I could do with Mars. Nothing was further from my mind just then than Sadie and Sammy. I was just pleased to have got Mars after having worked so hard to get him. Our heads held high, we went together into the Devonshire Arms at Hammersmith Broadway.
Mars attracted a lot of attention. âA fine dog you have there!' someone said to me. As I gave my order I picked up an evening paper which was lying on the counter. It occurred to me that now was the time to look for a clue to the identity of H. K. This might also make clear the timetable to which Sadie and Sammy were working. I began to look through the paper. I didn't have to look far. A headline read: MOVIE MAGNATE SAILS ON THE Q.E. And underneath:
Hollywood Kingmaker Seeks Ideas in Britain:
Hollywood Kingmaker Seeks Ideas in Britain:
In one of the most luxurious cabins of the liner
Queen Elizabeth
which docks here shortly sits a quiet little man drinking coca-cola. His name, little known to the public, is one to conjure with in Hollywood. Those who really know in the movie business know that Homer K. Pringsheim is the power behind many a throne and the maker and breaker of many a film career. Mr Pringsheim, who lives simply and shuns publicity, told a press conference in New York that he went to Europe âas a tourist mainly'. It is well known, however, that âH. K.', as this formidable figure is affectionately called in Los Angeles, is on the look-out for new stars and new ideas. Asked whether he favoured closer cooperation between the British and American film industries, Mr Pringsheim said, âWell, maybe.'
Queen Elizabeth
which docks here shortly sits a quiet little man drinking coca-cola. His name, little known to the public, is one to conjure with in Hollywood. Those who really know in the movie business know that Homer K. Pringsheim is the power behind many a throne and the maker and breaker of many a film career. Mr Pringsheim, who lives simply and shuns publicity, told a press conference in New York that he went to Europe âas a tourist mainly'. It is well known, however, that âH. K.', as this formidable figure is affectionately called in Los Angeles, is on the look-out for new stars and new ideas. Asked whether he favoured closer cooperation between the British and American film industries, Mr Pringsheim said, âWell, maybe.'
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