Under the Lights (30 page)

She laughs. “Not always.” Her lips press against my shoulder, and my eyelids flutter shut. When she speaks again, her voice is low and breath is warm against my ear. “Sometimes I use my mouth.”

Dying. I am dying right now. And it's the most perfect death. “You know, you're gonna have to teach me some things,” I warn her, my face flushing with heat. “How to do them, I mean.”

Her lips curve into a smile against my neck. “Cannot fucking wait, Park.” She kisses me again and adds, “I'm gonna go wash up. I'll be right back.”

I wait until I feel her slip out of bed and then watch her disappear into the bathroom through my haze as I pull the sheet up and over my body.
This
, I think, watching her retreating back,
is what happiness feels like.
The door closes behind her, and I look around the room, surprised to register that it seems a little more like home now that something monumental has happened in it.
This is what being excited to grow up feels like.

And as much as I love acting and my parents, I don't think I want a life that doesn't allow for the potential to feel the way I do now. And I don't know how long I could love a career that wouldn't support me being… me.

Besides, what I want—what I've always wanted—is to be a role model, to show kids that not fitting into the industry standard doesn't mean there isn't a place for you. That doesn't have to stop with race. It
shouldn't
. God, it seemed so important when Zander
and I were talking about setting good examples, but I don't want to be the kind of example that tells kids how to conduct their sex lives. I wanna be the kind that conveys that who they are is okay. Great, even. That where you come from and who you love should never be the kinds of things that hold you back.

I wonder what the hell kind of ceremonial ring they make for that.

I'm shaking a little with the force of all this by the time Bri emerges from the bathroom, but when she tips her head and asks what's wrong, I tell her I'm just a little chilly. Lord knows I've already started enough promises to her I haven't kept.

But I know what I have to do. And as she slips off her jeans, climbs into bed, and curls around me, holding me close to warm me up, I let go of the fear, embrace the only certainty I have, and let myself fall completely.

I toss back my second bottle of beer as I watch out the front window of the house, waiting for headlights to glare against the glass. When I finally see Liam's Range Rover pull up, I chug the rest of it, put it down on the sill, and head outside.

“You made it,” I declare, greeting my guests with open arms.

Liam and K-drama slam their doors behind them and walk up. “We were pretty officially summoned,” Liam says wryly. “What's the big occasion?”

I don't answer, ushering them inside instead, knowing it'll drive them both nuts.

“Ooookay,” Vanessa says slowly, gesturing toward the dining table. “Is that champagne? What's going on here, Josh?”

“Are we celebrating something?” Liam asks, bracing himself on one of the dining chairs. “Are those In-N-Out burgers and fries?”

“Indeed they are. Sit,” I urge them, pulling out a chair for K-drama. She gives me a funny look, then drops into it. “I have some news.”

“Champagne news?” K-drama arches an eyebrow. “Please tell me you're not getting engaged to Shannah Barrett.”

“Funny.”
Especially since I came on to you like an idiot just two weeks ago.
“No, definitely not. I'm done with Shannah Barrett. I'm done with my parents' stupid shit. And I'm definitely done with Chuck and that reality show.”

“I see you took our conversation to heart,” says Liam, grabbing a burger and sliding into a chair. “Does this mean you found a new passion to pursue?”

“Actually, no.” I pop open the champagne, and K-drama squeals and laughs as the cork goes flying and I spill all over the table before moving my mouth underneath to capture the escaping suds. After a couple of swallows, I hand it over to her and grin as she chugs a little straight from the bottle. “But I
am
gonna go looking for it. I'm leaving,” I tell them, wishing I had a mic to drop for maximum dramatic effect.

“You got your own place?” Liam asks.

“Clearly, I was a positive influence,” K-drama says smugly, putting the bottle down. She plucks a fry from the pile in the center of the table and pops it in her mouth.

“Nope, not that either.” I take a huge bite of burger and swipe my tongue over the sauce on my lip. She doesn't even watch, so I guess she's totally gay now. “I mean, I'm leaving. Leaving LA. Leaving the US, actually.”

K-drama's fingers freeze mid-air on the way to nab another fry. “To go where? For how long?”

I shrug. “Everywhere. I don't know. I just know there isn't really anything for me here. But there's gotta be something more fun out there, right? So, I got a one-way ticket around the world. Heading to Hawaii first. Figured I'd get in a week of surfing with Wyatt, and Aspen's gonna come do a shoot there for a couple of days. Then Japan and then…we'll see, I guess.”

“Wow.” Liam pulls off the top bun and takes a bite of his burger. I should've guessed he's cutting carbs. Man, I'm so glad to be getting out of here. “So you're just…wandering.”

“Just wandering,” I confirm. “I mean, there's always plenty to do and lots of people around. But yeah, I wanna see new stuff. Do new stuff. Have experiences and shit. Maybe even do some volunteer stuff so I can see what it's like not to be an asshole for five minutes.”

“Deep,” Liam says with a nod.

K-drama rolls her eyes. “So, basically, we're here to help you set up for another massive party to send you off?”

“Nope.” I sweep my arm over the table. “This is it. Welcome to my goodbye party.”

“This?” Her eyebrows shoot up. “No one's eating swords or doing body shots off a Victoria's Secret model.”

I shrug. “New plan, new Josh.”

Suddenly, the skepticism falls off her face, and her eyes widen a little. “Wait. When are you leaving?”

“The new owners of the house take over on December 1 to redo it. I sure as hell don't wanna be here for that, so, as soon as possible, basically.”

She knots her fingers in her lap, a weirdly nervous gesture, and I can't help smiling. She is so gonna miss me. I take another swig of champagne as she says, “Can you stay until then, though?”

“Suddenly realizing you're gonna be sad and bored without me, K-drama?”

“Actually…” Her eyes dart to Liam, then back to me. “There's something I need to do. And I need to do it next week, while Ally's home for Thanksgiving. And I'd really, really like for you to be here, too. It'd mean a lot to me.”

It's obvious from Liam's face that he's completely confused, but I'm not. Not for a second. I reach over and cover her nervously twisting hands, squeezing. “Yeah,” I say quietly. “I'll stick around for that.”

“What am I missing?” asks Liam, looking between the two of us, then dropping his eyes to our clasped fingers.

“I'll fill you in as soon as I fill your girlfriend in first,” she promises. “I just want to talk to her in person.”

He nods, already over it. “Cool.” Then he puts his burger down. “It's weird, you know? I feel like you guys are figuring all this shit out lately. I'm kinda jealous.”

“You?” I snort. “Dude, you've, like, set up your whole life already in the past few months.”

He shrugs. “Not really. I mean, yeah, I've figured out that I wanna do movies, and that I'm not so into being a teen heartthrob or whatever. And obviously I know I wanna be with Ally. But…I dunno. It's tough to do it all, ya know?”

Vanessa smiles as she squeezes my hand one more time before pulling it back to nab another fry, and at the same time, we say, “Hashtag LiamProblems.”

There isn't a lot I'll miss about being here, I know, but this little party is to say goodbye to the few things I will. And it's not exactly the most kickass shindig I've ever thrown, but I feel pretty sure it's the right way to go.

The next week, as I open yet another bottle of champagne with Liam and K-drama—this one in a limo, en route to LAX—I'm glad I stuck around for just a little longer.

“Shouldn't we wait until we actually
get
Ally before opening the champagne?” asks Liam, frowning as he looks down at his phone like he can make it light up with a sext from sheer force of will.

“I have another one,” I assure him as I pass the bottle directly to K-drama, knowing she could use the liquid courage. “This one's just to get us into the celebratory spirit.”

“I still can't believe you got her parents to let us pick her up,” Liam says to her. “I barely got them to agree to relinquish her to me for Saturday night.”

“I'm practically Pam's third daughter,” she tells him, taking a swig from the bottle. I happen to know she told Ally's mom exactly why we need to pick her up from the airport, but she's still trying to keep that information quiet until she gets to tell Ally in person.

“Yeah, yeah.” Liam grins and grabs the champagne, then takes a long drink. He looks the happiest I've seen him in months. “You excited for your trip?”

“You know it. Had to sell some shit in order to finance some of the finer things, but when I think about the fact that this time next week, I'll be on the North Shore…yeah, it's worth it.” I take the bottle from Liam, but I only sip. These are the last couple of days I'll have with my friends for a while, and for once, I wanna have a clear head. “You sure you don't wanna come with?”

“I'm sure I'll end up meeting you somewhere,” he says, glancing at his phone again. “Once I've got these movies behind me, I'm definitely gonna chill for a bit. But…”

“But you're gonna be chillin' in NYC,” I finish for him, and it's gratifying to see him blush a little in the dim interior of the limo.

“I think so, yeah.” He scratches the back of his neck. “I'm hoping to talk to Ally about it this weekend. She seems to like doing the whole dorm thing, so I don't know if she'll want to get a place together or anything, but I think me having one there will be good. Somewhere I can go when I'm not filming
Daylight
, maybe do some stuff shooting there instead. Anyway, it's not like you'll be in LA, so…”

“Truth.” I take a longer swig of the champagne this time. “It's weird how other people have real roots here, isn't it?”

“Well, you seem to have an unexpected one these days,” he says, keeping his voice low as he nods at where K-drama is spacing out, staring at the lights of LA through the tinted windows. “Are you
sure
you're not hooking up?”

“Dude, no. Definitely not. Never have, never will.”
And in about an hour, you'll know exactly why.

“You try?”

It's on the tip of my tongue to admit that I did once, that day in her bedroom after I saw her with Mini-Jade in my guest house, but it hits me that…no, I didn't. I told her I was into her, but I didn't kiss her. I didn't touch her. I didn't even attempt a move. If anything, I sent her straight back to Brianna. And I'm not sorry about it.

Somewhere along the way, the thought of kissing her became sort of…gross.

“Oh God.”

Liam leans toward me anxiously. “What?”

I lean in to meet him and keep my voice low. “I think I might…love K-drama. Like, as a friend. Is that a thing? Like, with girls? Can you do that? Without wanting to fuck them and stuff?”

Liam's loud laughter fills the limo.

“What's so funny?” K-drama asks, sounding a little dazed.

“I think our little Joshie's growing up.” Liam grabs the champagne from me and lifts it in the air. “Something we can all drink to.”

The knit cap on my head itches as I make my way through the crowd at LAX to the reception area for Ally's flight, but it's worth it—nobody's stopped me yet. Of course, that might be because people care more about reuniting with their families for Thanksgiving than one of a billion C-list actresses being in their midst, but I prefer to think it's the knit cap.

It's probably my very last day of being able to fly under the radar, and I'm determined to make the most of it.

I hold up the sign I brought with me—“Duncan” in big block letters—and try to stop my hands from shaking. Liam and Josh agreed to wait in the limo while I got her so we could have a little time alone to talk, but now I'm wishing I had some company to keep my mind off our impending conversation.

Just then, my phone buzzes with a text, and I look down and smile at Bri's message.