“As soon as they give you the all clear, I’ll get you out of here.” With no place else to sit, he perched on the edge of the hospital bed. “Are you going home with them, Ma?”
“For a while. And we don’t want Shelly overdoing it, either, so the girls and I will be popping in now and then to give a hand.”
“I feel a lot better now,” Beth protested. “I don’t want everybody turning their lives upside down over me.”
“Don’t even start.” Kevin gave her a hard look. “When I called at three this morning they said they’d brought Lily into the nursery because they had to up the dosage on your pain meds before you could sleep.”
She looked down at the baby, probably so she wouldn’t have to look at him. “I really am feeling better this morning.”
“And you’ll keep feeling better because you’ll be resting and letting people help you rather than running yourself ragged.”
He caught their mothers’ gazes bouncing between the two of them, matching small furrows between their eyebrows. Maybe he wasn’t doing quite as well at pretending as he’d hoped. Fortunately, the pink bundle in Beth’s arms wiggled, distracting the women from wherever their thoughts had gone.
“Finally,” Shelly exclaimed. “I thought she’d never wake up.”
Four hours later, they had Lily strapped into her carseat and Beth in a wheelchair, ready to hit the road. It made him nervous, her going home when just the night before she’d had so much pain she couldn’t sleep, but she seemed in good spirits and didn’t hesitate at all when it was time to say farewell to the nurses.
Mary followed them in her car and they parked in the lot behind the bar so they could duck in the back door, unseen. He took the stairs two at a time while his mother, carrying the carseat, Shelly and Beth took the elevator, so he reached the top floor just a few seconds after they did.
As expected, Beth’s apartment was spotless and her fridge fully stocked. The crib was made up and the changing table ready to use. Lily was sound asleep in her carseat, so his mother set it next to the couch and draped the edge of her receiving blanket over the handle to keep out the light. Beth thanked her and went into the bathroom with Shelly supporting her.
Kevin stepped up behind his own mom and wrapped his arms around her shoulders as he kissed the top of her head. “Thanks, Ma.”
She patted his hand. “She’s family, even if it’s taking her a while to get used to it.”
“You think she will?”
“I think when her mind settles enough, she’ll figure it out. She’s been through a lot. Be patient.”
He thought he’d been pretty damn patient for a pretty damn long time now, but what else was he going to do? It’s not like women you loved were interchangeable and he could simply move on to a more agreeable one. One who didn’t throw his feelings back in his face.
“All you can do is wait for her to be ready,” she said, as if she could read his thoughts. He was pretty sure she couldn’t or she’d have kicked his ass frequently during his youth, but it was still unnerving.
“I’ve been waiting. It’s not getting me anywhere.”
“What else can you do?”
The bathroom door opening saved him from answering, and Shelly helped her daughter to the couch before going back in. Beth looked pale and he figured it would only be a few minutes before her exhaustion beat down her relief at being home again.
Sure enough, his mother started shooing him toward the door. “She needs to sleep now.”
“I’d like to feed Lily.”
“In a while. Let them get settled in first.”
Before he knew it, he was in the hall and the door was gently but firmly closed on him. With his hands curled into fists, he stared at the wood, wanting to kick it in so he could spend some time with his own daughter, thank you very much.
But the memory of the shadows under Beth’s eyes made his shoulders slump and his hands relax. She did need to sleep and she wasn’t going to do that with him underfoot. There would be plenty of time for feeding Lily when her mother wasn’t ready to drop.
So he’d wait. It seemed to be the sum total of his life now. Waiting.
Beth thought she’d been tired before. All-nighters in college before she’d given it up as not for her. Double shifts after not enough sleep. Tossing and turning all night toward the end of her pregnancy, desperate to find a comfortable position.
Now
she was tired. Three nights with a newborn and she didn’t know what day it was. She wasn’t sure she’d put on clean clothes that morning and she sure as hell didn’t have the energy to lift her hairbrush as high as her head.
“Hey,” Lisa said, “I’m going to call down and order some wings and fries. We can find a movie on and veg in front of the TV.”
“I’m supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps.” And the baby, thank God, was sleeping.
Lisa had spent the night and the company was nice, but Beth was determined to take care of Lily herself. The women couldn’t stay forever and then she’d be alone. Mary and her mother had puttered around the apartment and hovered while Beth fed Lily, but they’d both respected her wish not to lean on them too much.
When Lisa showed up, ready to get away from her four boys for a while, Mary and Shelly had gone back to the Kowalski house to see what their husbands were up to and relax for a while.
“I know they say that.” Lisa grabbed the phone. “But if you only sleep and take care of Lily, you’ll get dragged down. You need to be able to enjoy a few minutes of being awake while she’s not. A mental break.”
A mental break
down
was where she was heading. “Go ahead, but I’ll probably nod off and choke on a French fry.”
But forty minutes later she was licking buffalo sauce off her fingers and actually laughing at an old episode of
Friends.
For a few minutes she felt almost human again and a tightness she hadn’t even been aware of loosened in her chest. Lisa had been right. Exhaustion was still fogging her brain and making her body ache, but even a few minutes of normality gave her a glimpse of her old self.
When the episode ended, Lisa and gave her a once-over and a kind smile. “Why don’t you go take a shower? You’ll feel better.”
“Lily’s going to—”
“I’m not going to sit here and let her cry, Beth. I managed to get four of them old enough to go to school, at least. Your pain’s a lot better, but a nice, long hot shower will do wonders.”
It would. Steaming away the aches and pains and washing away some of the grimy feeling. But she needed to learn to work around Lily’s schedule. She’d still need to shower after the other women returned to their lives. “I should be there when she wakes up.”
Lisa blew out what sounded like an exasperated breath and turned the television off. “Look, I get that you’re used to doing things alone and you don’t like to be dependent on other people. That’s fine. You’re going to be alone soon enough, but right now I’m here. You’re going to take a shower and when Lily wakes up I’m going to change her and feed her and hold her.”
Beth opened her mouth to argue, but what came out was, “Okay.”
The reluctance and guilt washed down the drain as the first hard pulses of hot water massaged her sore muscles. A couple of the worst cuts still stung, but her bruises were fading to purple and yellow. She shampooed her hair twice and used more than usual of her favorite bodywash, making a rich lather.
She stayed under the water until it started running cold and then dried off and put on a fresh pair of yoga pants with a cheery pink T-shirt. Both maternity, of course, since baby weight didn’t magically drop off during labor. She didn’t care. Right now it was all about the comfort.
Rather than scraping her hair back into a messy ponytail, she brushed it out and left it loose. There were shadows under her eyes and residual bruising on her face, but she wouldn’t go so far as makeup. She felt good enough for now.
When she walked out of the bathroom she saw Kevin lounging on the couch, feeding Lily. While her body couldn’t be bothered to offer up so much as a twinge of interest, her heart did a quick somersault at the sight of him cradling their daughter. And maybe a little at the warm smile he gave her.
“Mike stopped by for a burger and a beer. Ma’s got the boys so I figured I’d come up and let Lisa have lunch with him. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Oh. No, of course not.” It was the first time they’d been alone since the night Lily was born and she felt inexplicably shy.
They’d been through something so incredibly intimate and bonding together. Then he’d told her loved her. And she’d told him he didn’t.
“You look a lot better. From the accident, I mean. Not just because you just got out of the shower.”
“Trust me, the shower didn’t hurt.”
She watched as he set the bottle on the coffee table and lifted Lily to his shoulder. He alternated between rubbing her back and gently patting until she gave up an unladylike burp. Then he settled her back in his arms and gave her the bottle again.
Beth sat on the end of the couch and folded her legs under her. “You’re very good at that.”
“One niece. Four nephews. Lots of practice.” He smiled down at their daughter. “It’s not the same, though. I didn’t know it then, but it’s not the same when she’s your own.”
She’d never held or fed a baby before her own, but she’d looked into Lily’s eyes as she fed her and thought she understood what he meant. “She’s so sweet when she’s feeding. Or sleeping.”
He looked up at her, then, and arched an eyebrow. “Speaking of which, I got a phone call from Ma earlier and I just talked to Lisa a few minutes ago. Why aren’t you letting them help you? You won’t even let
your
mother get up during the night.”
“They
are
helping me. They’re making sure I eat and cleaning up. I’m lucky if I get to finish my coffee before the cup’s whisked away to be washed. They’re hovering and…it’s too much.”
“Let them take a night feeding. Or two. The more you let them do, the faster you’ll recover. Your body needs to rest.”
And she didn’t need another lecture. “If I get in the habit of letting them take care of everything, it’ll just be harder when I’m alone.”
She knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as the words left her mouth and the way his jaw tightened confirmed that. “You won’t be alone. I’m five feet away. Number two on your speed dial.”
Beth was feeling too refreshed and relaxed to spoil it with an argument. “I’ll try to lean on them more. I promise.”
His face relaxed and he pulled the bottle away from Lily as she sucked down the last few drops. He got a couple of burps out of her and she seemed content to be cuddled against her daddy’s chest.
Beth’s heart did another annoying backflip and she turned her gaze back to the television he must have turned back on when he sat down to feed Lily. The channel had moved on to a classic romantic comedy and she tried to lose herself in the banter.
Kevin chuckled at the on-screen antics and Beth forced herself to relax. She’d enjoy the companionship and take advantage of the extended mental break, as Lisa had put it.
But her eyelids were heavy and no matter how much she blinked, she couldn’t seem to keep them open.
“Sleep, Beth.” His voice was low and reassuring. “I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere.”
She let herself slide into sleep with his words playing through her mind.
I’m not going anywhere.
***
“I’m not sure this is a good idea. She’s only three weeks old.”
Kevin made the turn into his parents’ driveway and killed the engine. “The weather’s beautiful and you need to get out and get some fresh air. You haven’t left your apartment since your parents flew back to Florida.”
She ignored him, which wasn’t a surprise. Not being very happy about his taking the baby out, she’d reluctantly insisted on going along, bad mood and all. He had Lily’s carseat unlatched and in his hand before Beth even got out of the Jeep. Most of her aches and pains from the accident had faded, but it would probably be a while longer before she was her old self again.
Thankfully Beth smiled when his mother opened the door and accepted her hug with no trace of her former irritation. His dad got the same treatment and Kevin started getting annoyed. Maybe her bad mood was just for him, even though he hadn’t done a damn thing to deserve it.
He set the carseat with a sleeping Lily in it on the floor at the end of the couch so her mother and grandmother could hover over her and went into the kitchen for a beer. His father followed him in and grabbed one of his own.
“How’s it going, son?”
Kevin didn’t know how to answer that. If he wanted to know how Lily was doing, everything was great. She’d totally aced her two-week checkup. If he was talking about his relationship with Beth, that wasn’t so great. “Okay, I guess.”
“She’s been on her own a few days now. How’s that going for her?”
“She says she’s all right, but she wouldn’t admit it if she wasn’t, so I don’t know. I do know she’s tired, but I try to help out and take Lily to my place when I can so she can get some stuff done or take a nap.”
Leo leaned against the counter, eyeing him over the rim of his beer can. “You don’t look too happy.”
Kevin shrugged. “I wish things were different between Beth and me, but if I push, she’ll just push back harder.”
They heard Mary’s voice getting louder, so that was the end of the conversation. A few seconds later, the three most important women in Kevin’s life walked into the kitchen. His mother kissed his cheek. Beth, who was holding Lily, gave him a small smile and maybe it was his imagination, but he thought he saw some apology in it.
Lily was awake and squirming, but she wasn’t squawking for a bottle yet. He peeked inside the receiving blanket she was cuddled in and brushed a fingertip over her cheek. She wiggled and—in a total shocker—Beth laughed softly.
“She definitely knows her daddy,” she said, “even when it’s the lightest touch.”
Kevin had pushed and prodded Beth into this dinner because he wanted his parents to have some time with Lily and because Beth needed to get out of her apartment, but it pained him. The togetherness without being together was even more pronounced now that Lily was born and it chafed. Sometimes a little and sometimes, like now, more than a little.
Mary stepped up beside them. “While Lily’s content, I want to take some pictures for the family album. You two go sit on the couch with her while I get my camera.”
Just like that, the anxiety was back in Beth’s face. He put his hand on her back and guided her toward the living room before she could argue.
“I already know what you’re going to say,” he said in a low voice. “Let her take a nice picture of you and Lily and then me and Lily. And then, please, let her take one of the three of us just to make her happy.”
She sat on the couch and peeled the blanket off Lily to reveal a cute pink dress. “What if someday—”
“Someday if I find a woman who’ll let me in her life instead of slamming the door in my face over and over, Lily still might like having a picture of her parents together.”
“Oh.” He could tell by the way her cheeks pinked up and how she sucked in her bottom lip that he’d hurt her feelings somehow, but she couldn’t possibly believe she could have it both ways. They could only spend so much time in the relationship purgatory she’d sentenced them to.
Mary returned with her camera before Beth could respond to that, if she even intended to. With his parents codirecting the impromptu photo shoot, they managed to get the three shots Kevin suggested, and he and Beth even smiled. They got pictures of Lily with each of her grandparents and then both of them together before she announced she was done by turning bright red and letting out an eardrum-piercing wail.
“She definitely gets her volume from your father,” Mary told Kevin.
Beth finished changing and feeding Lily as his mother put dinner on the table, so they were able to eat in relative peace. His parents had a bassinet and Lily was close enough to Kevin’s chair so she could watch him. Her eyes were brilliant blue and when he grinned at her, she just blinked.
They made small talk while they ate, chatting about Lily and the bar and Joe’s latest book. How Lisa was faring with her boys out of school for the summer. What they were going to do about the fact Brian and Bobby kept sabotaging the spinach in Mary’s garden and trying to blame it on rogue chipmunks.
It was familiar chatter and Kevin felt some of the tension easing out of his body and, with the stress abating, he could think more clearly. It had only been three weeks since Beth had gone through a car accident and childbirth on the same day. While each of the days since had seemed to drag by for Kevin, they had probably passed in the blink of an eye for an exhausted and slightly battered new mother.
For the umpteenth time, Kevin reminded himself he had to be patient. He’d made his feelings for Beth pretty clear, so all he could do was wait for her to sort through her own.
***
It had been three weeks since Kevin first told her he loved her, and he hadn’t said it again since.
She’d hated to do it, but she was running low on groceries—groceries she wanted, at least, rather than what Mary and her mother thought she should have—so she’d asked Kevin to stop at the store on their way home from the Kowalskis’ house. Now he was pushing the cart along behind her, babbling to Lily, whose seat was latched on to the seat of the cart. They probably looked like a real family to any shoppers who took notice of them, instead of neighbors who just happened to have a baby together.
As she tried to focus on the unit price of diapers, she found herself unable to stop dwelling on the question of whether or not he’d meant it when he’d told her loved her.
She’d told him it was a knee-jerk reaction to hearing about the accident and then seeing his daughter born, but she had no way of knowing if that was the truth or not. The fact he hadn’t said it again since made her believe maybe she’d been right.
The not knowing left her feeling uncertain and off-balance, so she said nothing about it. And she worked harder at keeping a distance between them, just in case his feelings for her really
had
been all wrapped up with her having a baby.