Unbroken (21 page)

Slowly, the panic ebbs away.

Emerson breathes with me, one sweet gasp of air after another. I crumple into his arms, weeping, clinging to him with everything I am. He strokes my hair gently, cradling me against him, until finally, my breathing returns to normal.

I can feel his heartbeat thundering through the damp fabric of his shirt. If I hold him hard enough, maybe I can pretend the last ten minutes never happened. We can wipe them from history and never say a word about it again.

Then Emerson slowly detaches my arms from around his torso and firmly pushes me away from him.

I look up at his beautiful face. Water runs in rivulets down from his wet hair, dripping from his thick eyelashes and flowing down his jaw. My dark, damaged angel. My forever.

“It’s over.”

His eyes close off again, a barrier crashing down between us.

“No!” I scream. “I don’t believe you!”

“I’m sorry.” Emerson’s face flashes with something tragic, an ache that has no words. He gets to his feet. I grab for him, but he steps back. “I’ll take you home.” He says blankly, holding out his hand to me.

I ignore it, scrambling to my feet all on my own. “I’m not going anywhere with you. Not until you tell me why you’re doing this to us.”

“You want a reason?” Emerson flares with anger. “Hell, try a hundred! We wouldn’t make it, Jules, any fucking fool could see that. We were crazy to think we could even try!”

“You’re wrong.” I shake my head stubbornly. “I love you!”

“And what good does that do?” Emerson yells back. “Look at our parents, at your mom. You’ve been telling me all this time how loving your dad destroyed her. Love drags you down, if it lasts at all. All the good turns to shit in the end, and then there’s nothing left but misery!”

I stumble back, sick to my stomach. He thinks I’m a dead weight around him? That I would hold him back, and make him resent me?

“You don’t mean this,” I blink through the tears.

“I do.” He swears, “And you know I’m right. What the fuck are we going to do here, Jules? Play house in a trailer somewhere? Work shitty jobs and scrape by, until you wind up hating me for everything you gave up to be with me?”

“It doesn’t have to be like that!” I scream.

“God, will you stop being such a kid? This is the real fucking world!”Emerson’s whole body is clenched with tension, jaw set and furious. “You don’t get to live happily ever after. People leave, and they cheat, and they screw around and fuck you up. What makes you think I’ll be any different? I’m a fuck-up, Jules, it’s what I do. Why even bother trying when we both know it’s never going to work.”

The black abyss I’ve been holding at bay ever since I walked in that room and found my mom finally rears up, roaring like a hurricane in my ears. I snap,

“That’s it?” I scream, surging forwards. I shove both hands against his chest, pushing him backwards.“You’re giving up, just like that? Because it’ll be hard? Because we’ll have to work to make it together? You’re a fucking coward!”

“Jules—“ Emerson starts, but I cut him off. My body is screaming with fury. I’ve been numb for days, but now all my anger comes blazing out.

“Coward!” I scream again. “You like to talk about how you’re going to make something of yourself, how you’re not going to wind up like your parents. But you’re just the same as them!”

Emerson scowls at me, terrifying. “Fuck you!”

“What? It’s the truth, isn’t it?” I taunt him, furious. “Your dad bailed when shit got tough, and your mom cares more about shooting up than taking care of her family. She takes the easy way out, they both do, and now you’re doing the exact same thing!”

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know they’re a mistake. Emerson goes still, and when he speaks again, his voice is barely a whisper: frighteningly cold. “That’s what you think of me, huh? A trailer trash waste of space.”

I gulp. “That’s not what I meant.”

“No, I get it.” Emerson gives me a bleak, twisted smile. “I just don’t know why you didn’t say something sooner. Hell, why you even bothered sticking it out this long at all, since I’m such a worthless piece of shit.”

“I didn’t say that!” I insist, but he won’t listen.

“I always knew it’s what they thought of me.” Emerson tells me, his eyes black with bitterness. “This town, your parents… But I didn’t care. Because I thought you saw something different in me. You made me feel like I could be something more.”

“I do see that!” I sob, wretched. “I love you!”

“You keep saying that, but it doesn’t make a difference.” Emerson glares at me. “It’s not enough.”

I gape at him, wordless, the harsh truth of what he’s saying finally crashing through me. He’s saying it’s not enough, but what he really means is, I’m not enough.

I’m not enough for him.

I crumble.

“Just go!” I cry, feeling desperation sweep through me, robbing me of all my last strength. I can’t bear for him to see me like this, torn apart with devastation when he never really loved me in the end. “If you can’t do this, then go ahead and leave!” I beg, “It’s all you’re good for, isn’t it? A fucking useless quitter. So go!”

I sink back to my knees, the sobs coursing through me, uncontrollable. It’s an empty ache like I’ve never known, the pain so sharp it’s like my chest is burning up with agony.

“Jules,” Emerson takes a step towards me. His voice falters. “Let me take you home.”

“No!” I scream. “I don’t need anything from you. I never want to see you again!” My voice breaks, and I crumple into a ball, shaking with a grief so black I can hardly breathe. I wish it were another panic attack—a brief spell that will pass—but I know, this won’t ever fade. This pain will be mine to carry forever.

The knowledge I’m not enough for him to love.

Not enough for my mom to live for.

I’ll never be enough.

I stay huddled there, wracked with desperate, empty sobs. Finally I hear Emerson’s footsteps walk away from me, then the engine of the truck starting. He drives away, leaving me here in the rain with my heart breaking into a million agonizing pieces. Completely alone.

And then he’s gone.

CHAPTER TWELVE

I surface from the memory to find I’m almost back at the house. I wipe angrily at my face, trying to choke back the tears as the chorus is unleashed, cruel and taunting in my mind.

Stupid girl. Stupid fucking girl.

What made you think it would be any different this time?

I round the corner up the driveway and then stop dead. There’s a U-Haul truck pulled up in front of the house, the doors wide open. I feel a surge of indignation. The new owners can’t be here already! The realtor only just called, she said I had until the end of the week.

“Hello?” I call, coming closer. Someone is rummaging around the boxes I set against the side of the house, full of junk to donate. I sigh, irritated by the intrusion—just when I want to be left alone. I make an effort to sound more friendly, after all, they are about to shell out a decent amount of money for the place. I move closer. “I’m sorry about the mess, but I thought I had more time.”

“It’s OK, it’s just me.” A familiar voice comes, and then a moment later, someone emerges around the side of the house.

It’s Daniel.

“Hey.” He says, awkward. He’s wearing a rumpled Oxford shirt and khakis, his brown hair glinting in the sun. He’s the last person on earth I expected to see.

My mouth drops open in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

He shrugs, bunching his fists in his front pockets. “Your dad told me, about finding a buyer. I figured you could use some help getting everything back to the city before the storm hits...”

“What storm?”

Daniel frowns. “Haven’t you been listening, it’s all over the news. A big hurricane, supposed to hit tonight. With you out by the water like this, we should get on the road before it blows through town.”

I feel a warmth flood through me, a slim ray of sunshine in the midst of my cold, aching despair. It’s so typical of Daniel, to think about what he can do to help, even after everything. All the pain I caused him. He always was the selfless one.

“It’s OK,” I tell him softly. “You don’t have to. I can manage.”

“I want to.” Daniel looks around the yard, and up at the house, taking it all in. He smiles, “It’s beautiful. I can see why you didn’t want to let it go.”

I wipe at my face again, trying to hide my tears. “I’ve got most of it packed away. There’s stuff for Goodwill, and the trash, and…” my voice is hoarse from crying, and I have to trail off without finishing.

Daniel looks at me closer, direct for the first time. His expression changes, concern flooding across his features. “Juliet,” he exclaims, hurrying forwards to reach me. “What happened? Are you OK?”

“I’m fine!” I try to tell him, but my voice breaks again. Before I can move away, he pulls me into a hug, arms going strong around my body to cradle me in against his chest.

I half-heartedly struggle, but he keeps me warm in the circle of his embrace.

“Shh,” Daniel murmurs, gently stroking my hair. “It’s OK. Everything’s going to be OK.”

I know I should pull away, but I feel myself relax against him. Even though arms around me aren’t the ones I wish so desperately were holding me, Daniel’s body is gentle, and warm. After everything that’s happened this morning, it’s a relief to sink into his solid embrace, like for a moment, I can be safe again.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper against him.

“It’s OK,” Daniel says again. Finally, he steps back, holding me away from him and studying my face with a worried look. “Did something happen?” His face darkens. “Is it that guy? Did he hurt you?”

“I… No…” I shake my head quickly, but his sweetness only makes me feel lousy. Why is he being so nice to me? Shouldn’t he be off drinking with his buddies back in the city, cursing the day we met?

“You shouldn’t have come.” I tell Daniel, guilty. “After everything I said to you. I figured you’d hate me by now.”

He stands firm. “I had to know you’re OK.”

“Well, what does it look like?” I try to crack a joke, but he doesn’t smile.

“It look like you need someone to talk to.”

His expression is so understanding I want to burst into tears all over again. Instead, I pull together my last ounce of self-control. “You want to come in?” I offer. “I could make us some coffee.”

Daniel nods. “And then maybe you can explain what’s been going on here since you got back.”

* * *

Daniel waves away all my offers to help and makes us the coffee, digging the percolator and cups out of an already-packed box. He sits me down in what’s left of the living room, and I curl up under a blanket, my hands wrapped around the warm mug. I tell him everything.

Emerson. My mom. Coming back here. Everything.

I try to skate around the details of me and Emerson together, but I can tell, Daniel understands. When I’m done, I sit back, nervously watching his face for the terrible judgment I know I deserve.

Daniel takes a deep breath, and when he exhales, it’s like he’s letting go of something he’s held on to all this time.

“You love him.” he says quietly.

I nod.

Daniel looks over at me, wounded. “Did you ever love me?”

“Yes!” I cry, reaching over to grab his hand. “Daniel, I swear. You were the best thing that could have happened for me. You saved me. I loved you, I did.”

“But not like him.” Daniel answers for the both of us.

He looks at my hand holding his for a long moment, then squeezes it gently, and places it back down on the arm of the couch between us.

He sighs again, raking his fingers through his hair with a look of rueful resignation. “I never stood a chance, did I?”

I pause, but he deserves the truth. “No.”

He’s right. No matter how much Daniel loved me, or how thoughtful and sweet he is, it’s no contest when it comes to Emerson.

Because I realize now, that’s the way it works. That if you’re lucky, you might get to fall in love so hard and so deep, that it changes you. That love seeps its way into every atom and molecule in your whole being, so that even if it’s over, or the two of you are forced apart, you’ll always carry the imprint of their soul with you, steady as a heartbeat. Forever.

I’ve had Emerson Ray’s name branded on my heart since the day we met, and nothing could ever change that.

“You can come back to the city with me, you know.” Daniel tells me.

I shake my head. “I told you, I can’t…”

“No, this isn’t about us.” he interrupts. “I get it now, it’s over. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, Juliet. And I can’t stand to see you like this.”

“A mess?” I manage to quip, but he shakes his head, stern.

“So… helpless.”

My mouth drops open in protest. Daniel’s face softens as he looks at me gently. “I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. Look at you, you’re just sitting around in this house, waiting for him to come and choose to love you. That’s not a relationship, Juliet, it’s a hostage situation.”