Twin Ties 2: Twin Affairs (8 page)

Now, it did. Death had followed Evan home from the hospital. His brother sensed the specter waiting in the shadows, ready to pounce. Evan could see it in his eyes, a holdover from the trauma of failing to help Maggie beat her battle with cancer, knowing she was dying, just waiting for it to actually happen.

Give it time
, they said.
It’s going to take time. You need to heal. You know we love you.

Funnily enough, Evan knew Luka was willing to provide Evan physical relief. He’d said so himself, in passing. It sounded like a joke at the time, but later Evan had caught Luka looking at his body when he was changing clothes. That was when Evan realized it wasn’t a joke at all.

It didn’t matter. There had been rules established since Evan was discharged from the hospital for the second time. The rules now governed their four lives and prohibited any intimacy between Evan and Luka whatsoever. Brennan had privately asked Luka to promise not to be with Evan for the very same reasons why Alek and Brennan had agreed between themselves not to be with Evan, for now. Evan felt it very likely Brennan also did it out of spite and a streak of possessiveness. But, it made no real difference one way or another
why
Brennan did it, because Alek had essentially required Evan to be celibate until it was certain his ribs had healed.

“I won’t risk you hurting yourself. I can’t bear to see you in any more pain,” Alek often said.

Or, he’d tell Evan, “We can’t. I’d never be able to forgive myself for hurting you.”

Then there were the more straightforward commands of, “No,” “Don’t,” and “Stop.” They made Evan feel like a scolded dog, when all he’d been seeking was simple affection.

How is someone supposed to go from a life filled with an abundance of sex, to one utterly devoid of it? How am I supposed to not be hurt by them when they shut me out just when I need them the most?

It’s because they love me so much,
he told himself
. They got scared by the extent of my injuries and the level of my pain. Brennan can’t handle the idea of me getting hurt again, or being the cause of it, and Alek is overprotective because he cares.

It made sense, but it didn’t change the way Evan felt. Once they realized Evan was fragile, breakable, and hurting, the safer choice became for them to stay away. But the longer they stayed away, the harder it would be for them to try to come back and take a chance. And the longer they stayed away, the more it felt like he wasn’t a lover or a boyfriend at all, but only the old Evan from before Brennan entered his life—closed off from the world and desperately needing, with only himself to rely on. Over the past few months, so much had changed but at the same time,
nothing
had changed.

Evan’s shower was a quick one. He scrubbed himself clean of sweat and ran the water through his clipped-short hair before shutting it off. Without another look in the mirror, he went to his room and got dressed. A new bureau now stood beside his old one, full of Alek’s clothes since he had officially moved in. Its presence was, like Evan’s new exercise regimen, one of the rare bright points in his life. It was needed, tangible proof Alek loved him.

Leaving by the back door, Evan went outside to savor his last day of freedom before having to return to the grind of work. His long sick leave from Mike’s Garage was at an end.

This time tomorrow
, he thought,
hopefully I’ll be under a car or truck, getting my hands dirty—contributing, being useful
. It made his heart swell and put a spring in his step. Very much sick and tired of being coddled, Evan wanted to reclaim life and grab it by the balls, whether his newfound family liked it or not.

It had occurred to Evan, though he didn’t like to think about it, it might not be his injuries that kept Brennan from wanting to be with him. Brennan might simply have decided after all what he and Evan had done—have sex—was
wrong
. Just the possibility of that being true hurt more than any broken bones ever could.

What if Brennan doesn’t want me anymore?
What if he’s decided what we were doing was sick and me getting hurt was karmic punishment for committing incest?

Evan simply didn’t know and he was too afraid to ask.

Digging his hands down into his pants pockets, he walked, cutting across the lawn, through the fields to the left of the house, toward the woods beyond and the path snaking through it. Wrenching his troubled thoughts away from Brennan, they turned to Alek instead.

Evan lost Alek in some ways that night, outside of the bar. Fallen to the asphalt, Evan stared up through a film of blood which obscured the one he loved for the very last time before unconsciousness yanked it all away. When Evan next awoke, the Alek he fell in love with was gone, and there was someone else there—someone who was Alek but was also not Alek at all—holding his hand and waiting ever so patiently for him to get better.

The new Alek didn’t work at a bar; he worked downtown, on the tenth floor of an office building, with a job title so specifically technical Evan kept forgetting exactly what it was. This Alek wore suits every day and brought his lunch to the office in a washable bag which Evan rinsed for him every evening before bed. The purpose of the packed lunch was to save money for Alek’s share of the rent he still paid to Presley and Carter even though he really didn’t live there anymore. The money was for Evan too, to help cover bills while he was out of work. It was a very responsible and ‘new Alek’ type of thing to do.

New Alek didn’t make sexual advances or indulge in overly passionate kisses that might lead to dangerous things which could theoretically hurt Evan. He didn’t touch Evan’s body like it was something that drove him wild with desire, like he used to; he touched it like there were shards of glass hidden under the skin.

They slept on their self-appointed sides of the bed each night, and if Evan shifted too close, new Alek shifted away, just in case. This Alek slicked his hair back with gel before he went out and acted like an adult at all times. He didn’t make passes at Brennan or dare to dream of getting involved when Brennan and Luka were making love nearby. In fact, he tried to get Evan out of the house entirely, like Evan might get some uncouth ideas if he realized other people still indulged in things like sexual intercourse. This Alek also didn’t partake in intimate kissing or touching with Luka, in order to spare Evan the sight of such things which might lead him to get ideas about being with Brennan before he was “officially” ready. Just like Evan, Luka hadn’t felt his brother’s touch in months either.

And finally, this Alek didn’t allow discussion of the existence of the new Alek. He simply worked a nine-to-five job every single day and got home in time for a healthy family dinner around the table—a dinner at which Luka may or may not be present, depending on his work schedule, but Evan and Brennan always were—followed by light conversation in the living room and TV before retiring to bed.

He just doesn’t want to be tempted
, Evan thought as he walked, deeper and deeper into the shadowy wilderness, his bruised heart feeling like it was being squeezed dry. The part of him that was more mature than his eighteen years scolded his abundance of self-pity, but didn’t know how to escape it or let logic triumph over lust.

His primary job used to be taking care of Luka, but now, since Luka doesn’t need to be cared for like that anymore, he takes care of me instead. He made so many poor choices when he was my age, he just wants better than that for me. He thinks he can save me from myself if he tries hard enough. He doesn’t want me seeing anything that would make me jealous and want to do things that would harm me physically or mentally. I get it. But it’s becoming absolutely fucking ridiculous. I just want him to listen to me for a change and believe I’m okay now, that it won’t kill me to give in a little bit and at least get a taste of what we used to have. Why can’t we at least start to ease back into normalcy? What the hell do I have to do to show them I’m healed and not lying, letting a teenager’s libido put my health in danger like he says it is?

Evan walked along the path through dense trees in order to reach a clearing on the other side. Golden, heavenly light filtered down into the small meadow from the treetops above, making the earth glow. Sometimes there were deer here, or rabbits, or groundhogs, but Evan’s presence always quickly scared them away. He headed to the center of the grassy expanse and lay down, his body flattening the supple, dew-damp blades all around him. Staring up at the thin, drifting white clouds above in the wide blue sky, Evan tried to remember how wonderful his life used to be, for such a horribly brief time before fear began to rule them all.

He thought of that night in the bathroom of the bar, when he first met Alek, and learned firsthand of the power in him, the determination to claim and possess. It was easier to think of their second sexual encounter though, since it was in a place so similar to the one he was in, how they’d rolled around on the grass, getting dirty, getting off, and not caring about anything but exploring each other. He thought, too, of the night under the stars in the back of the truck, how Alek let Evan call the shots and do exactly what he wanted to do.

Evan’s thumb popped the button of his fly, pushing the zipper down halfway. Slipping his hand inside his boxers to wrap around his shaft, he started to stroke himself hard. He thought of Alek—the
old
Alek.

He imagined Alek was out of his mind with desire; he just couldn’t take it anymore and needed Evan in the most carnal ways. Alek scratched and clawed at Evan’s body, leaving careless marks and bruises without being afraid Evan would hurt, Evan would die. Alek was only reckless and passionate, an animal. He turned Evan inside out with every possible filthy, forbidden touch of his fingers, his tongue, his sweat-slick, hard body and even harder cock.

Evan’s hand pumped faster inside his pants as he dreamed of Alek—
his
Alek.

“There you are,” Luka said breathlessly with Alek’s voice, appearing out of nowhere and slowing rapidly from a full run. He stopped completely a few feet away with a hand braced on his hip, towering over Evan.

Ripped so abruptly from fantasy, Evan yanked his right hand from his pants as soon as he heard the first word from Luka’s lips, cursing a muttered, “Fuck,” and sitting up as fast as he could manage. He drew one knee to his chest to help hide his erection.

Resting an arm on the knee, Evan turned his head away from Luka, toward the far end of the clearing as he attempted to master his expression. He was blushing fiercely. His jeans hung open in the front. Swallowing his pride, Evan tried on an awkward grin.

“Luka. I didn’t hear you coming. The hell are you doing out here? You checkin’ up on me?”

“Something like that,” he replied, licking his lips wet and taking slow steps closer, his gaze flicking noticeably to Evan’s lap and exactly what Evan was failing to disguise. “I was out on a run. Bren texted me when he saw you were gone. He’s worried about you.”

“What else is new?” Evan muttered bitterly, adding more loudly. “How’d you find me?”

“You’re kind of predictable. Hate to tell ya, but it is what it is. So,” he cleared his throat, “what’s up?”

Evan tiredly wiped a hand over his face, partially out of weariness, partly from shame, partly just wanting to block out the sight of Luka—immaculate, glistening, shirtless and dripping sweat like Evan’s desire given life… and
lots
of muscles.

“Spare me the witty puns, please. You can go now.”

“You’re dismissing me?” Luka smirked, sinking to his knees in the tall grass just inches from Evan.

“I’m trying to. It doesn’t seem to be working,” he grumbled, shifting his knee slightly to better block Luka’s line of sight. The move, however, sent a serrated, cutting pain corkscrewing into Evan’s gut. Gritting his teeth to hold in a strangled shout, Evan forced himself to breathe through it. He blew air out between his lips and inhaled deeply through his nose.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Luka asked, quite seriously.

Wanting a cigarette or drugs or simply to escape, Evan shook his head. “You know, I’d really appreciate it if
you
didn’t treat me like a child or an invalid or like I’m gonna try to off myself again. I get plenty of that from everyone else.”

“Is that how you think we see you?”

“Don’t you?”

“No.”

“Bullshit. That’s bullshit! If you all had one ounce of confidence in me or respect for me, I wouldn’t have to fucking sneak away to just to have some peace without some wannabe Daddy figure trying to tell me what’s good for me!”

While yelling, Evan threw his arms open in a wild gesture. It pulled something in his bad side. His eyes instantly flooded with tears. His mouth fell open around a harsh gasp and for a second he couldn’t breathe for the pain. Making a small, broken sound, he tried to blink his eyes clear. Tears slipped down his cheeks. Then Luka was on him, guiding Evan carefully down onto his back. He placed a hand on Evan’s chest while the other cupped the side of Evan’s face.

“Okay, you’re okay,” Luka said softly, calmly. Evan wasn’t sure if it was for his sake or Luka’s own because he could detect a chilly under-layer of fear behind the soothing tone, the kind he sensed in Alek quite often now. “Small breaths, come on. It’ll pass. There ya go.”

Pursing his lips against a soft whine, Evan closed his eyes as he did as Luka said. Gradually, too gradually, the ache became merely overwhelming instead of crippling. Silent tears continued to fall. When he was past it completely a minute later, Evan still couldn’t look at Luka, who was still hovering over him, touching him.

At least he’s touching me
, Evan thought hopelessly, wondering why hope was so hard to hold on to.
At least I’m not alone.

“This is only gonna make it worse, isn’t it? When they find out, they’re still not gonna believe I’m getting better. They’ll be more worried than ever and—”

“Evan….”