TVA BABY and Other Stories (15 page)

Why would you want to? It’s just sea water. Synth™, especially developed for and
with
the Corona Centurion™, flows better and carries more oxygen and nutrients. And the nanorganic bearings in the Centurion’s rotor require its use. Accept no substitutes.

What about diseases?

It’s time to retire those white blood cells. The immunity additives in Synth™ make “blood-borne” maladies a thing of the past, while its detergents neutralize internal toxins and wastes.

Are there different Synth™
types
?

Please! Blood “types” are a vestige of evolutionary trial and error; mainly error. Synth™ is compatible with every lymphatic configuration.

Must it be so blue?

That’s for your own safety. In the unlikely event of an accident, it alerts medical personnel that your circulatory system has been upgraded.

Is there a danger of violence?

Relax. While it is true that Corona’s technology was originally developed for military purposes, the Centurion’s controlled flow rate is fully indexed to the exigencies of civilian life.

How long does Synth™ last?

Synth’s™ plasma base doesn’t degrade under normal operation. Full efficiency of its special additives, however, requires its replacement every six months, in a painless and inexpensive outpatient procedure. Think of it as a simple 5-liter oil change.

What about “the chill”?

While some say chill, most say “cool!” Among its many advantages, Synth™ is far better at cooling the body than blood. You will quickly adjust to your new body temperature of 91.6 degrees. We have found that air conditioning costs at our Phoenix home office have been reduced by 44%!

What about music? Dancing?

Grab your partner! The ballroom floor will seem smoother than ever. Traditional musicians who insist on the “thump” of the old pumper can find aftermarket add-ons.

Will I still have normal human emotions?

Of course. You will find that they are steadier and more predictable, as they no longer vary with “blood pressure.” It’s true that you will no longer laugh, or weep, but most people consider this an advantage in both their professional and personal lives.

What about love?

Ah, the big question! Not to worry. Be prepared to enjoy romantic attachments that are more constant and more satisfying than ever. Independent laboratory tests have proven the supposed sexual side effects to be mostly frivolous or exaggerated.

And now can we ask you a question? Why wait for your heart to weaken, to falter or even to stop? Why depend on a stop-and-start evolutionary “kludge” when you can upgrade to reliable steady-stream circulation? Ask your doctor about the Corona Centurion™ today! Coronary care patients may be covered under Medicare, and trade-in discounts may be available, subject to transplant market protocols.

B
illy had a little dick. When he rubbed it, it got bigger.

That seemed to defy the laws of physics as Billy understood them. So he decided to show it to his science teacher, Mr. Smart.

“Look here,” said Billy.

“Why were you sent to the office?” asked Mrs. Sutton, the Principal. “Mr. Smart wouldn’t tell me.”

“I showed him this,” said Billy. “I don’t understand why it gets bigger when I rub it.”

“Home from school already?” asked Billy’s mother.

“They let me out early,” said Billy. “They said I took the prize.”

“That’s nice,” said Billy’s mother. “What prize?”

“I guess it’s for my trick dick,” said Billy. “It gets bigger when I rub it.”

“Billy!” said Billy’s mother.

“It’s like magic,” said Billy. “Watch this.”

“Go to your room,” said Billy’s mother. She started to cry.

Billy hated his room. It was full of dumb shit. There was nothing to do so he rubbed his dick.

It got bigger and bigger.

It was like magic. Billy liked magic.

So he rubbed it some more. It got as big as a wiener.

“Where’s Billy? asked Billy’s father. He was home from jail.

“He’s in his room,” said Billy’s mother. “Rubbing his dick.”

“That Billy!” said Billy’s father.

“Who’s there?” asked Billy.

“Your father,” said Billy’s father.

“Come in,” said Billy.

“Wow,” said Billy’s father. Billy’s dick was as big as a hot dog.

“How did it get so big?” asked Billy’s father. Billy could tell he was proud.

“Rubbing it like this,” said Billy. “It’s like magic.”

“We’d better shut the door,” said Billy’s father.

Soon Billy’s dick was as big as a bottle. Billy was tired of rubbing it. It was getting sore. Plus, he wanted to watch TV.

“You can’t watch TV like that,” said Billy’s father.

“How can I make it little again?” Billy asked. “It won’t fit in my pants any more.”

“That’s easy,” said Billy’s father. “Just keep rubbing it.”

That didn’t make any sense to Billy. But he did it anyway. He knew better than to contradict his father.

But his dick just got bigger. Soon it was as big as a rolled-up towel.

“That didn’t work,” said Billy.

“We need help,” said Billy’s father. He went to get help.

He shut the door behind him.

After a while there was a knock at the door.

“Who’s there?” asked Billy.

It was Father McBride.

Father McBride came in and sat on the bed beside Billy. He had a funny haircut.

“I can help you, my son,” he said. Billy’s dick was almost as long as the bed.

“How?” asked Billy.

“You must pray for forgiveness, while I rub your dick with Holy Water.”

“OK,” said Billy.

Billy prayed while Father McBride rubbed his dick. The Holy Water was warm and his dick got bigger and bigger. Soon it was as big as a baseball bat.

It bounced up and down like a spring and broke out the window by the bed. The glass was everywhere.

“Now you’re in trouble,” said Father McBride.

“In trouble for what?” asked Billy.

“For breaking out the window with your dick,” said Father McBride. “That’s what.”

It was true.

Billy heard sirens. The police were coming.

Billy climbed out the window and ran away. He left Father McBride sitting on the bed.

Billy’s dick was way too big to fit in his pants. It waved around from side to side as he ran down the street. It broke out the windows on the cars.

“Stop him!” people shouted. “His dick is too big!”

They ran after Billy but he outran them all. His big dick made him fast.