Turn Back the Dawn (16 page)

And now she had stood up for herself.

She knew that Ben's criticisms weren't of the self-serving nature that Kurt's had been. But even so, they hurt, and they rankled. Why did she have to be perfect? And what was so wrong with what she did? This was a new period of her life—a period of strength, of standing up for herself. And Ben would have to see that.

When Kate got back to the store, she went straight to Alison's office, in credit operations on the eighth floor.

Kate sat down at her friend's desk and listened to the tag end of Alison's conversation with a customer who had defaulted on a payment.

Kate smiled and shook her head as Alison hung up the phone. "I don't know how you do it."

"Well, I'll tell you a secret. When I want to be nasty, it helps if I pretend they're my last rotten boyfriend. Or my first husband's new wife. Or I could take all of your exes, Kate." She smiled and exhaled a long stream of smoke. "Speaking of whom. Or which, I should say in this case. I heard some interesting news."

"What?"

"Well. Again, this is third- or fourth-hand, but your little ex-charmer Kurt Reeves is in the hot seat right now. Really touch and go, Kate."

Kate smiled. "Great. Why?"

"Well, it seems that he's made no secret of the fun he's having with Miss Tiny Tears—what's her name?—Alexandra Dayton. And not only fun—but he seems to have become her rep."

"I know."

Alison smiled. "Needless to say, this news doesn't sit

too well with our favorite v.p.-operations, Mr. Richard Dayton. According to my sources he's livid. Kurt's chances of getting the art directorship are less than zero right now, and as soon as they can hire someone else, he's out."

"Really?"

"Plus
—and you'll get a kick out of this, I think—Dayton 'ordered' Alexandra to stop seeing Kurt and she refused."

Kate shook her head. "Poor kid. She's really still a kid, you know. She's completely taken with Kurt. Everything she does on the set has to be 'okay with Kurt.' She's totally passive. And I really don't envy the position she's in right now—being pulled by Kurt in one direction and by her marvelous uncle in the other."

Alison nodded. "I know. But look—better her than you, right?"

"Definitely. Except that I seem to have a problem of my

own."

Alison raised a brow. "Ben?"

Kate nodded.

"Mr. Perfect? Ben Austin? What's the matter?" .

"You just said it," Kate said. "Mr. Perfect. It's the most ridiculous of ironies. All my life I've been attracted to guys who are wrong for me in some way. Finally, through some miracle, I find one who seems great: he likes me; he's not afraid of commitment; he's wonderful in every way. Nothing wrong with him, right?" She shook her head. "He's very sure of himself, Ally. And he's very sure that he wants someone in his life. But he's so damn sure of those things that what he's looking for just doesn't exist. He wants the perfect woman. Someone strong, apparently, but I think he wants someone he can control as well. And he expects me to be it." She gave an ironic smile. "And as you and I know all too well, Ally, I ain't perfect."

Alison sighed and put out her cigarette. "Men. What pains."

"i
know!" Kate said. "And if this had happened six months ago, I would have gone along with it: 'Yes, Ben, no, Ben, oh, you're right, Ben.' Except that that doesn't work. If you're molding your personality according to what you think your man wants, then you're not even really
with
him. He's having a relationship with someone who's playing a role. And then the whole thing falls apart." She sighed. "And I don't want that to happen with Ben."

"Have you told him all this?"

Kate shrugged. "Some. But it's hard to say, when you're feeling it most strongly. Anyway, he's going to be away for a few days. And that'll give us both time to do some thinking."

"Well, it sounds tough, Kate, but don't let him give you any crap. You had enough with Kurt to last a lifetime. And if Ben can't deal with your standing up for yourself, to hell with him."

"Right," Kate said absently, wishing it were all as easy as it sounded.

When she went back to her office and immersed herself in the task of calling selected names on her guest list, her spirits lifted. Naturally, representatives of the major newspapers would be at the party—not because Ivorsen and Shaw was a big advertiser, but because the event and its invitees would make interesting coverage in either the

gossip column or, in the case of the
Times,
"The Evening Hours." Kate hoped that eventually the store's resurgence would be covered in the business pages, too, but felt it would be just as well if that coverage came a bit later, when there was good rather than bad news to report.

All the women's magazines were sending people from their fashion and beauty departments, though the event would be more one of goodwill than coverage. As national magazines they would be unlikely actually to write anything about this store which existed only in New York City. But their presence meant something special to the manufacturers and designers who would be there. Staff members from most of the cosmetics companies whose products the store carried were coming, too, and some of them—those whose counters were manned by their own employees rather than employees of Ivorsen and Shaw— were already intimately involved with the revamping of the store.

By the end of the afternoon Kate had called most of the people she had wanted to call, with good results. They were all naturally excited about the new campaign: more customers at Ivorsen and Shaw meant more buyers, ultimately, for their products. The momentum was definitely building.

And a few days before the party the ads came out. Store attendance was up, morale was up, and Kate received enthusiastic compliments on the ads from every board member including Dayton.

The day before the party Blake-Canfield sent over a tape presentation they had prepared for it. The presentation was a series of quick shots of Alexandra and Pierce spliced in with shots of the store's different departments and bou- tiques, and it was going to be shown continuously on the far wall of the discotheque. Kate was surprised at how good it looked even without the accompanying music; the audio-visual people at the agency had done a beautiful job, and she felt better than ever about the following evening.

The only part that she dreaded was facing Ben. Now that she had spoken up, what came next? Would Ben change? Would he want to change? Had the sadness in his eyes come from a realization that the relationship could never go anywhere?

Kate wasn't certain she wanted to know the answers. Because she knew that, no matter what problems there were, and no matter what conflicts existed, she loved him. And part of her wished she had never said anything at all.

CHAPTER NINE

Kate thought she would hear from Ben when he returned from Michigan Monday afternoon; he wasn't the type to leave anything unresolved, and she knew he would want to talk before the party Tuesday night. But he didn't call.

And his words kept coming back to her: "This relationship isn't worth a damn." But it wasn't true! She had been trying to be constructive, to face something that was bothering her. But in Ben's quest for perfection, perhaps he felt it was time to move on.

When Kate walked into her building and greeted the doorman, she remembered the night Ben had come without calling. Would that happen tonight? Or perhaps he had called and left a message on her answering machine. Well, if he hadn't, she would call him. If he was back in the city, there was no reason not to try to talk things through.

Kate's answering machine indicated there was one message, and Kate set the tape for "play" and sat on the edge of the couch next to the machine to listen.

But it wasn't Ben. "Kate? This is Mother. I know it's been a long time, but... it's two weeks till Thanksgiving, and I wanted to know whether you were coming.

. . . I hope everything is okay. Please call when you can. I love you."

Kate turned off the machine and sank back into the couch. Damn. Now she didn't know what to tell her mother; it all depended on what Ben had to say.

Kate had never been oveijoyed by the holiday season anyway, even as a child. She had seen Thanksgiving and Christmas as days on which she was expected to be happy, days on which she had to pretend and force a smile. That had changed somewhat when she had left home, and since Kate had begun working at Ivorsen and Shaw, the holidays had meant good things in terms of work: business increased tremendously, the ad budget skyrocketed for a month, and there was a genuinely happy if somewhat frenetic atmosphere at the store.

But there had been the visits to her mother as well: strained visits in which there had been little to say, less to be happy about. Now, perhaps it would be a little easier with her mother's new husband. Nevertheless, it was not something Kate looked forward to.

She dialed Ben's number instead. Even that was easier than facing the prospect of what was sure to be a difficult call.

"Hello?" Oh, that voice she loved.

"Hi, it's Kate."

"Hey, I'm glad you called," he said. He sounded as if he were smiling, and her spirits leaped.

"I thought you might like to come over," she said.

"I'd love to. Have you eaten?"

"Nope."

"Chinese okay?"

"Sounds great," she said, and hung up a few moments later.
t

The moment Kate saw Ben when she opened the door, her only conscious thought was that she loved him.

But she followed his lead. He kissed her lightly, put the
bags
of containered food on the foyer table, and gave her
his
coat almost formally.

And then, in the living room on the couch, when he
said,
"I've been doing a lot of thinking," she felt as if her
stomach
had dropped out.

God,
she thought.
It's over.

"I'll make us some drinks," she said, and stood.

"No. Wait," he said. "Now, Mr. Perfect here did with
out
a smoke when you wanted to talk. We can talk without
a drink."
He held up his hand to prevent her interrupting
him.
"And don't go accusing me of trying to be perfect
again,
Kate. I just want to talk now because you look
about
the way I felt these past few days, and I want to get
this
all out into the open. Now, sit. Please."

She
sank onto the couch.

"Thank you. That was perfect." He smiled. "Now I'll
say
what I have to say, and then—I don't know. All we
can do
is see what's what. I did a lot of thinking out in
Michigan.
And a lot of missing you, Kate. I missed what I
love
about you, I even missed the things I had criticized
you
for. That's all I know, darling. I missed you like hell. I
can't
deny what you said the other day
—
I
am
looking f
or someone
perfect. Perfect for
me.
And I don't see anyt
hing
wrong with that. I love you, Kate. If it bothers you
that
much when I criticize you over something you're
doing
at your job, or when I think you're doing yourself a
disservice
in some way, I promise I'll try not to do that.

But I can't hold back and keep my feelings to myself. On the job, I'll leave it to you, but I'm never going to stop telling you how I feel. That's all—and the best—I can do. And I do want you to come with me over the holidays, Kate."

She smiled. "I—that sounds better," she said, relaxing into the cushions of the couch. She realized her whole body had been tensed since he had come in, and only now was she beginning to unwind. "I'm sorry I said I thought you thought you were perfect. I didn't really mean it."

"Did you miss me?" he asked, looking at her in challenge.

"Of course," she said. And she smiled. "Even at work."

He shot her a look of mock warning. "Don't tell me about work unless you want to hear what I have to say," he said. "Remember, I never promised to be mute."

She laughed. "I know. But I did want to tell you that the ads look beautiful," she said, smiling into his eyes. "And the tape presentation was amazing. I can't wait for the party."

"I'm glad," he said. "I looked the tapes over today and] I thought they looked pretty good. Alexandra and Pierce! are both stunners."

"Let's hope they stay that way. Or that Alexandra does. Pierce I'm not too worried about."

"You're worried about Alexandra's involvement with Kurt?"
I

Kate nodded. "She's very vulnerable, Ben. She projects such self-assurance and confidence in front of a camera that it's easy to forget she's very young for her age. Obviously very sheltered, too. And Kurt is throwing her onto

the fast track of New York nightlife just a little too quickly."

Ben shook his head. "What a waste," he said. He sighed and looked into her eyes. "You know, there's something I don't understand, Kate. Every time I've been around Kurt, I've tried to see what you saw in him. Aside from his looks, of course."

She smiled. "Can't a woman go out with a man for his looks?" she asked teasingly.

"Of course. But I don't think that was true of you," he said, apparently unwilling to let her joke the question away.

"Well," she said, "it's not that easy for me to say, really.
But
initially it
was
Kurt's looks that attracted me. We didn't meet at the store, actually. We met at a party given
by
a woman who works at I and S. Anyway, he was very attractive to me. I wasn't looking for anything really seri
ous.
But we were
.
.." Her voice trailed off as she looked
into
Ben's eyes. It was difficult to talk about Kurt with
him,
to look at feelings she hadn't wanted to look at in a
while.
"Let's just say there was an attraction. And he
seemed
like a challenge at the time. He was new at the
store,
and very cocky, very seductive with all the women
at
this party. I felt the glove had been thrown down in
challenge,
and I wanted to be the one to pick it up." She
smiled.
"Or pick
him
up. At the time I thought it was
quite
an achievement. There were a lot of broken hearts
that
night, and mine wasn't one of them."

"That doesn't sound like you," Ben said.

"Well, it was true," she said. "Even if you don't like the
sound
of it," she added quietly. "What's ironic, though,
is
that with other men I've gone out with, when we broke

up, that was that. I didn't see them again. But with Kurt still at the store, and with another woman, it's given me a chance I've never had before. I look at the way he acts with Alexandra—very dominating, almost cruel—and I can see that he did the same with me." She smiled. "Which is all consistent with my unbeatable taste in men."

"And what about me?" Ben asked softly. "You talk about how you were attracted to Kurt almost as a challenge. He was someone you had to get just to see if you could. And it doesn't sound as if you liked him much. But what about me?"

She smiled into his eyes. "You were different," she said softly.

"I'm glad," he said. And his eyes shone with desire, communicating deeply and persuasively that he wanted her. "Kate," he said softly. "Come."

He led her off to the bedroom, and they undressed by the light of the moon. He lay back on the bed and she came up after him, coming into his arms and resting her cheek on his chest. "Yes, you were different," she said, running a hand along his chest. "I liked you. But you were a challenge, too."

She sat up then, wanting to look into his eyes. "And at some level, somehow, I knew how good all this would be."

He smiled. "Making love?"

"Yes." She smiled and swung a leg over him so she was astride him, her softness against the hardness of his frame. "When did you know?" she asked, looking into his eyes.

He reached out, playing with the soft orbs of her breasts, flicking at her nipples with his fingers.

"When do you think?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know."

He smiled. "The moment I saw you," he said, and then he inhaled deeply, his eyes roving across her breasts. "I felt so sure," he said, putting his warm hands on her thighs. She moved forward, wanting to be closer, and he coaxed his hands up along her inner thighs. "I was so sure," he said huskily, "but even so, I had no idea that you'd be so... so beautiful... so giving... so responsive." His warm, strong fingers began to weave their spell, and she was filled with a simmering ache for him, awash with overwhelming desire. She rolled her head back in pleasure.
^4t
Oh, Ben," she whispered.

She let her hands trail back, over the hard strength of . his thighs, questing for his firm desire. She was caught up in a smoldering burning, searing with desire for the fulfilment she knew he could give her. And he guided her back, his hands over the softness of her hips as he lifted her and, with a surge, entered in a burst of pleasure. "Yes, yes," she groaned, as with his hands he set the rhythm of their passion, as she let the flame burning within consume her. His hands moved up then, over her breasts, over her nipples, and for a moment she looked down into his eyes with wondrous joy. And then deep, deep pleasure took over as Kate and Ben cried out for each other, quickened their thrusting union in melting, dissolving heat that turned to pulsating, shuddering ecstasy.

After whispered words of love, they both fell into deep,
comfortable
sleeps, their bodies draped around each other
in
complete satisfaction, total relaxation. When Kate awakened, the room was dark, the light of the moon slant
ing
in and lighting Ben's handsome face.

Kate rolled over and looked at the clock. Five after
eleven.
And then she remembered she hadn't called her