Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy (29 page)

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I finally married my girlfriend last year after a decade together. Now she wants kids (her clock is ticking!), but I’m terrified of the thought. What should I do?

Anonymous, USA

Get a dog. That should buy you a year or so. To be brutally honest, though, you should have thought about what she wanted before putting a ring on her finger. Now you’ve gotta be a man and live with the consequences. Who knows? Maybe you’ll enjoy being a dad.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My girlfriend hasn’t had sex with me for months—she’s always too tired after work. Is our relationship dead? What can I do to make her interested in a game of hide-the-sausage?

Adam, Brooklyn

Romance, Adam. You need a bit of romance. That includes not using phrases like “hide the sausage.” As I’ve always said to Sharon, there are 24 hours in a day, so it shouldn’t be so hard to make sure you spend at least one of them with each other. Go on a date. Have dinner together. Or put on a wig and a false beard, check into a B&B, and shag the shit out of each other, like you’re having an affair. Maybe the fact she isn’t going to bed with you is a form of protest. Maybe she just wants more excitement in her life.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My boyfriend and I have split up a few times but keep getting back together—we can’t live apart! Recently, though, the excitement we had six months ago has vanished (especially for him). If ending it all isn’t an option, how can we get the spark back?

Mary, Kent (17 years old)

Listen: at the age of 17, your excitement level is gonna be going up and down like a fiddler’s elbow. Just give it some time. Most teenage relationships don’t last. Then again, I’ve also known people who met each other at your age and lived happily ever after for the rest of their lives. (I’ve also known people who lived together for ten years, got married, then immediately got divorced.) The important thing is to always be yourself. If your boyfriend doesn’t find that exciting enough, then believe me, he ain’t worth the effort.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

After about a year of dating my girlfriend, I’ve finally realized that I enjoy jerking off more than sleeping with her. Is this fucked up? Should I break the news to her?

“Scott,” Connecticut

Let’s face it: it’s hard to beat a good old five-knuckle shuffle. For a start, you don’t have to take your right hand out for dinner before it’ll get down to business. It also doesn’t care if you last five minutes or five seconds—and it ain’t gonna demand an earth-shaking climax of its own. Admitting this to your girlfriend is whole different thing, though. If she’s anything like my own wife, I would advise against it—unless you want to be kicked so hard in the balls, you won’t be able to knock one out again for the next ten years.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I have been with my beautiful wife for twenty years, and our sex life has always been wonderful—but instead of making love every day, like we used to, it’s now just two or three times a week. I’m starting to worry if it’s me or her—and if, as I’m getting older, my desire is fading (I’m 65). Please help, this is such a huge part of my life.

Howard, London

Three times a week—
at the age of 65?! Come back to me when it’s three times a year. Seriously, man… you ain’t in a bad place. You need to enjoy yourself while you still can and stop moaning.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m a 42-year-old single man who lives with his mother. Worse than that, I’m a bedwetter. I’m convinced it’s the reason why I’ve never had the confidence to ask a girl out on a date. Please help.

Terry, Lancaster

As I’ve said before, I used to be a bedwetter when I was still drinking. My wife Sharon would have to put on a life jacket when she went to sleep at night. It wasn’t the just bed, either: I’d take a leak in the wardrobe, over the edge of the balcony, in the fridge-freezer, you name it. Eventually I went to my doctor and said, “Look, I don’t want to p
^***
the bed, but I don’t want to stop drinking.” He told me, “You can have one or the other, but not both.” So if you’re a drinker: stop. In the meantime, go and see your GP. You ain’t gonna tell him anything he ain’t heard before, and this is worth checking out.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

One of my old boyfriends (he dumped me) has just become engaged to a very wealthy, very good-looking, and very well-known French woman. I know it’s not healthy, but I’m obsessing over it. In your experience, what’s the best cure for a jealous heart?

Katherine, Rugby

You could always do what I did when I was dumped by a girl at Silver Blades ice rink in Birmingham: I got the word out to her friends that I was so upset, I was gonna emigrate to Australia (it was a ten-quid offer they were promoting in the travel agent’s at the time). It was all bullshit: I didn’t even have ten pennies in those days, never mind ten quid. But she had me back anyway. Then I realised I didn’t like her that much to begin with. That’s the funny thing with jealousy: it’s not about wanting something ’cos it’ll make you happy—it’s about wanting something ’cos you’ve been told you can’t have it.

Dear Ozzy,

My ex-boyfriend left me for my best friend last summer. Just to rub salt in the wound, I recently found out that he proposed a year to the day after breaking up with me. I’m now considering sending them a steaming bag of shit as a wedding gift. Should I do this, or let karma run its course?

Ashley, New Jersey

Think of it this way, Ashley: your steaming bag of shit IS his karma. Having said that, if you’re gonna send crap in the mail, take a leaf out of my wife’s book, and do it right: put it in a ziplock bag inside of a Tiffany’s box. Everyone
loves
to get a Tiffany’s box—which makes the thought of them untying the ribbon and bow to find a fresh dump inside even more satisfying.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A really good friend of mine went on a couple of dates with a very minor celebrity. Each time it felt like a
Bachelor
episode, because he never made a move. Now, a month later—under a lot of pressure—he’s confessed he has herpes. She still wants to date him, but in my opinion he can’t be trusted. Who’s right here?

Diana, California

Are you absolutely
sure
he has herpes? I might be wrong, but I don’t think most guys would mention the H-word at all—especially not after two dates—unless they had a raging attack of it that was making their balls glow florescent green. To me, it seems like he might be using it as an excuse to cover up an even deeper secret. I mean, you never know: maybe he has a boyfriend on the side, and doesn’t want to sleep with your friend at all.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

I’m a heterosexual man—honestly—but found myself becoming stimulated in the most embarrassing way while getting a Swedish rub-down from a male masseuse. Even worse: it was a couple’s massage, and my wife was lying next to me. She noticed, and hasn’t talked to me since. What can I say to her to make this better?

Eric, Melrose

Oh, Eric. You could always say to your wife, “I’ve never kissed a man—but I might have kissed a man who has.” Seriously, though… I suppose the question is, would your wife have been more or less pissed off if you’d reacted in the same way to a female masseuse? If you think she might have been cooler with it, you could always tell her it was the thought of a
menage-a-trois
that set you off, not the big glistening hunk of love muscle who was stimulating your deep tissue. Actually, no, don’t do that. All I can say is that in future, you might want to try avoiding other blokes when you’re down the parlour. Personally, I couldn’t think of anything more uncomfortable than being oiled down by some ex-Chippendale while Kenny G plays in the background. Don’t get me wrong: I ain’t got nothing against the gay community. But when someone says the word “Swedish” to me, I think Ingrid Bergman, not Bjorn Borg.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m still “friends with benefits” with my ex-boyfriend, even though he now has a new girlfriend—the same girl he cheated on me with for almost a year and a half. Should I tell her what the hell has been going on, since he hasn’t had the balls to be honest?

Rudy, South Carolina

If you’re looking for revenge, go ahead. But don’t kid yourself—it sounds to me like this is a play to get him back. You might also want to consider that if he’s cheated on you, and cheated on her, he’s probably screwing a few other people, too. I mean, the bloke doesn’t exactly sound like the faithful type. My advice would be to find a new guy and move on.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My girlfriend’s father—Russian, ex-military—likes to get me drunk on vodka then take me to his banya (sauna) where we strip naked and he whips me with birch leaves. Is this weird?

Adam, New York

If some bird’s dad ever tried to get me naked and start whipping me with something—birch or otherwise—he’d get a punch on the fucking nose. Getting boozed up in a sauna ain’t a very clever idea, either… although I used to do it all the time at my old house in Staffordshire. I’d always take special precautions, mind you: before putting any water on the coals, I’d always top-off my lager with a splash of lemonade. A “lemonade top,” we used to call it. (Not the same thing as a shandy, which is half-and-half.) One other thing, Adam: generally speaking, any kind of physical activity in hot, steamy conditions is best avoided, unless you’re using the sauna to have a quickie with the nanny, which I once did, long ago. In that case, an exception can be made.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I wish my girlfriend were better endowed. Would it be rude to suggest a boob job? (I’d pay for it.)

Stan, Cheshire

The good thing about being Dr. Ozzy is that I sometimes get the opportunity to save lives. Stan, count yourself lucky, ’cos that’s what I’m about to do: under NO circumstances EVER bring this up with your girlfriend. If I made this suggestion to Sharon, believe me, the Osbourne crown jewels would end up halfway up my oesophagus. And to be honest I wouldn’t blame her. I mean, imagine if the situation was reversed, and your girlfriend asked you to get an enlargement of your own? How would
that
feel? If it’s really that important to you, dump the girl and find yourself a Page 3 model.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

What’s the best way to make a woman sleep with you?

Jake, New York

I always had a great chat-line up for the women. After a night out, I’d say, “Can I come back to your house and watch your telly?” It was brilliant, ’cos it made it sound like all I wanted to do was catch up on the
News at Ten
, when in fact I was planning to get them into the sack. No-one ever fell for it, though. Most of the time they just went, “I ain’t got a telly.”

III: BALLCARE

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

This might sound strange, but I’ve noticed that when I stare at my testicles for a long time, they seem to move by all themselves… is this normal? It’s freaking me out!

Jason (13 years old), Kent

It’s normal. If they start moonwalking, you might have a problem… but they definitely move on their own, ’cos they’re surrounded by a layer of jelly and, as everyone knows who’s looked at a bowl of jelly before, it tends to wobble around a lot for no good reason. On a separate note: you might want to spend less time staring at your testicles.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

The skin on my penis has cracked due to (solo) over-use. Is this normal? If so, how can I make it heal?

Anonymous, New York

It’s called friction. Rub the skin on your elbow ten times a day and you’ll have exactly the same problem. Give your Upstanding Citizen a break for a while, then invest in some lubrication.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve been contacted by a very friendly woman on the internet who tells me that “male enhancement” surgery—ie, phalloplasty—is risk-free and guaranteed to make me a hero in bed. Should I proceed?

Larry, California

No. Next question…

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m an uncircumcised 16 year old and can’t retract my foreskin. I’m stressing out about it, but can’t face going to a doctor (which would mean telling my parents). What can I do?

Mark, Birmingham

First of all, under no circumstances start messing around with it yourself. Second: I appreciate that it’s embarrassing, but the best thing to do is have a quiet word with your dad, or if you’ve got one, an older brother. Bear in mind that your old man probably changed a few of your nappies when you were little, so you ain’t showing him anything he hasn’t seen a million times already. The same goes for your doctor: believe me, people have far worse problems than a sticky foreskin (which has gotta be pretty common). Just pluck up the courage and get it over with, ’cos it’ll seem like nothing as soon it’s done.

DR. OZZY’S AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY

What Every Man Should Know…

“Blue balls” is a
real
condition. It’s a kind of cramp that happens when you have a woody for a long time but never get to the fireworks ceremony. Another interesting fact: no female in medical history has
ever
accepted “blue balls” as a reason for a bonk.