Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy (11 page)

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

My daughter has an enormous nose. I’m not going to lie: it’s
huge
(although she has always looked beautiful to me). She says it’s ruining her social life, and now she wants a nose job for her 14
^th
birthday, which I’m told is normal these days. Advice?

Zan, Florida

There are a lot of people who’ll tell you that bullying makes you stronger and that you’ve gotta learn to take it if you want to get on in the world. The trouble is, though, when you’re being called “big nose” five hundred times a day at school because you’ve got Mount Everest stuck to your face, that ain’t very fucking helpful. Like everything, the people who are so sure you’ve got to put up with it don’t have to handle the problem themselves. And kids can be incredibly cruel, y’know? Not only that, but things you get teased for a school can mess you up for the rest of your life. To this day, I’m still very insecure about my dyslexia, because I was brought up being told that I was stupid. So look: people get birth-marks and other harmless stuff removed all the time because of the way they look. It’s no different with a giant conk. Buy her the nose job.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My 10-year-old daughter borrowed my iPad without asking and found an explicit photograph of me and my girlfriend on it (I’m recently divorced from her mum). Now she won’t speak to me—and I’m terrified of what my ex-wife is going to do. Help!

Jerry, Milton Keynes

Adopt the brace position and prepare for bollocking of a lifetime—and to be honest with you, I ain’t exactly overflowing with sympathy. I mean, I’m useless when it comes to iThis and iThat, but it doesn’t take a fucking genius to realise that you need to set a password before leaving a computer lying around, especially if there are kids in the house. Mind you, taking those dirty pictures in the first place wasn’t a very clever idea, either:
you’re
the one who’s supposed to warning your kids about “sexting,” not the other way around. The divorce only makes things worse, ’cos your daughter was probably feeling weird and insecure about your new relationship to begin with. When she can finally look you in the eye again, you need to have a heart-to-heart. And while you ain’t by any means in the clear yourself, you need to explain to her that some things are private, and that she can’t look at your stuff without permission. Point out to her that when she gets older, she’ll expect
you
to give her some personal space, too.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I suspect that my 15-year-old son is partaking in a bit of the old “sweet leaf”—ie, cannabis. Without alienating our good relationship, how can I deal with the, ahem,
irony
of it all?

“Lonnie,” Channel Islands

Here’s what I always tell myself: we were all kids once, and when we were worried about being caught doing anything bad, we’d lie. When my father gave me the, “If I ever catch you smoking cigarettes…” lecture, I still did it, but under wraps, so he wouldn’t find out. So don’t be militant about the drugs. Just come clean with your son, lay your cards on the table. Say, “Look, I know about the pot, and I’m
worried
.” Tell them that unlike the dickhead who’s been selling them weed, you love them unconditionally, and you’re the best friend they’ll ever have. It’s better to be cool with your kids than put up a brick wall, otherwise they’ll just go sneaking around behind your back.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I recently discovered that my 13-year-old daughter has been text-messaging racy photographs of herself to her boyfriend—“sexting,” as it’s known. What on earth should I do?

Janice, North London

Get everyone in a room together—you, your daughter, your daughter’s father, the boyfriend, the boyfriend’s parents—and deliver a category-five bollocking. Ram it home to them how stupid it is. Then make absolutely sure that all copies of those pictures are destroyed. The thing you need to make clear is that you aren’t angry with them so much for exploring their bodies—kids have always played “doctors and nurses”—but because when you press “send” on a phone or a computer, you lose control of that image forever. All it takes is for some idiot to pick up the boyfriend’s phone and forward the picture, and it could have gone around the world twice in a few hours—and ended up on the kind of websites you don’t even want to believe exist. That’s not even to mention the embarrassment she’d suffer if any of her classmates got hold of it.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My teenage son has started to spend hours alone in his bedroom, and when I go in there to clean, I notice crusty stains on the carpet. How can I tell him to use a tissue?

Anne, Edinburgh

Ask him if he’s been making any Airfix planes recently, because you’re finding glue all over the place. Then tell him very nicely that you don’t mind him making Airfix planes—it’s normal at his age—but if he spills any
more
glue, he really should use a tissue, because it’s only polite. With any luck he’ll be so embarrassed, he’ll never dirty the carpet again.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My 25-year-old daughter lives alone in London and has started to go out on Internet dates. Is this safe? How can I get her to meet a man the old-fashioned way—ie, offline?

Max, Hull

The Internet makes me glad I’ve got attention deficit disorder, ’cos otherwise I’d be as glued to the screen as everyone else, getting up to no good. But the truth is, times have changed, and I’ve heard a lot of stories about people meeting the love of their lives online—so it can’t be
all
bad. Besides, what’s worse, arranging dates on the computer, or getting picked up in bars? The only thing I’d say to your daughter is, “Look, a guy can tell you anything he wants to online, so
don’t believe everything you read
. Plus, most guys want a bonk, not a wife.” Bearing that in mind, I hope she finds the right bloke.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My son has taking up smoking to impress a new girlfriend. How can I get him to stop?

Lauren, Staffordshire

I made the same mistake myself. I took some chick from Digbeth to the pictures when I was 14, and brought along five cigarettes and a penny book of matches to impress her. You could smoke yourself blue in the face at the cinema in those days. So there I was, sitting in this darkened room, puffing away, trying to be Jack the lad, and suddenly I broke out in a cold sweat.
What the fuck’s wrong with me
? I thought. Then I burped and tasted puke. I had to run to the can and lock myself in a stall while I coughed my guts up. I was
so
sick, man. Eventually I dragged myself out of the exit and went straight home, throwing up the whole way. To this day, I don’t know what happened to the girl. I wouldn’t have touched another cigarette for as long as I lived if it hadn’t been the “normal” thing to do back then. So here’s my suggestion: put your son off cigarettes by making him ill. Throw some ash on his cornflakes. Maybe that’ll work.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Like you, I’m covered in tattoos, but now my beautiful 17-year-old daughter wants to get one done. I’m trying to talk her out of it, because I hate the way tattoos look on young girls, but I feel like a hypocrite. Please help.

Tony, Los Angeles

The trouble with tattoos is, they’re addictive. I’ve known girls who start out with a little flower on their ankle, and three months later, they’ve got an entire battle scene across their arse. When my own daughter got tattoos, I said to her, “Look, fashions come and fashions go, and one day you might end up resenting what you did to your body when you were young.” It’s one think being young and beautiful with a tattoo, and another thing when you’re a grandma with a floppy old dagger on your arm. I mean, there are times when even I wake up and look at the smiley face I drew on my knee and think, “What did I do
that
for?” They hurt like crazy, too, when you first get ’em done. To me, though, the best thing to point out to your daughter is that tattoos just aren’t that special anymore: everyone has ’em. If she wants to be really ahead of the pack, she’d be better off investing her money in one of those laser removal companies. They’re gonna be making a fortune in a few years time, when tattoos ain’t the “in” thing any more.

Dear Dr. Ozzy,

My son has failed (or near enough) all his high school exams. The only career option for him now is manual labour, but he doesn’t seem to care. How can I motivate him to do better?

Brian, Cheshire

I was the same when I was a kid—and it wasn’t until 20 years later that I found out it was all related to my dyslexia and ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). Your son should get checked out for both those things, ’cos there’s a lot of help available now. The good news is that it’s never too late to get an education these days, thanks to computers and the internet. When I was at school, 300 years ago, it was different: when you were out on yer ear, you were out on yer ear. It was the factory, or signing up as cannon fodder in the military. And they wouldn’t even let me in the Army. “We want subjects, not
objects
,” they told me. Fortunately, I found something I loved with heavy metal. That’s the secret, really: finding something you actually enjoy doing, which can also pay the bills. At the end of the day, that matters more than passing any test.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My 16-year-old son says he’s gay, but I think it’s just the crowd he’s hanging out with. Is there anything I can do—like hiring an escort, maybe—that might change his mind?

Neil, Brighton

To be honest with you, Neil, I take my hat off to your son for coming out to his old man at such a young age. That takes serious balls, and I very much doubt he’d go to all the bother if he wasn’t a thousand million per cent sure. I mean, I have a gay relative, and he told me that he
always
knew he was gay, from as young as he could remember. Hiring an escort would just be an insult—not to mention illegal and more than a bit creepy. Don’t do it, man. What’s important is to tell your kid you love him and support him whether he’s gay, straight, bi, trans, whatever. However awkward this might be for you, it’ll feel like the end of the world for him if he thinks he’s being rejected.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Like you, I have a son from another marriage. The problem is, I find it hard to connect with him, because we’ve lived apart for years and we’re both men, so we don’t like to talk about our feelings. How can I get around this without it being embarrassing?

Nigel, Durham

This is a common problem with men. I remember trying to talk to my own dad—every time I said anything to him, it was like, “What now, son?” or “I’m busy, can we talk about this later?” But times have changed. Fathers aren’t these distant, scary figures any more. Still, it can be difficult with a son you don’t see very often, so what I suggest—even though I don’t drink any more—is to go out for a quiet pint with him. As long as you don’t get blasted, it might loosen you up a bit. At the very least, just show willingness to get together, and it’ll happen naturally. Whatever you do, don’t put it off. Feeling embarrassed is nothing compared to the regret of missing out on your kid’s life.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My 15-year-old daughter has started to dress in a way that would befit an employee of Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas. How do I explain to her that this will bring her the wrong kind of male attention, without sounding like a boring old fart?

Bob, Sunderland

Unfortunately, all fathers who have girls have to go through this stage in their lives, and it ain’t pleasant. Obviously you’ve gotta talk to her (or better yet, get her mother to talk to her). But there’s only so far you can take it, ’cos at the end of the day she might just go, “Okay, Mum and Dad, you’re right,” then get changed into her mini-skirt and fishnets in the garden shed, or in the back of her best mate’s car. The thing is, she probably
wants
male attention—maybe there’s one boy in particular she’s interested in—but she has to work out for herself how to tell between the “right” and “wrong” kind. As I always say to other parents, hold on to your drawers, and hope she grows out of it.

III: SIBLINGS

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

None of my siblings get along, but they all insist on getting together every year at Christmas. I’m already dreading it—but staying away isn’t an option, unless I want a war with my mother. Any tips on getting through the day?

Mike, Cornwall

If you think
your
family is bad company at Christmas, you should have been at the Osbournes’ during my drinking days. It wasn’t exactly merry, put it that way: by the end of the day, I’d be half-naked, covered in cranberry sauce, and throwing bricks at people. Then there was the year I bought two 28-gallon barrels of beer—bitter and mild—and set them up in my home studio. I got through both of ’em in less than a week. In fact, it got to the point where I was getting up in the night to use the toilet, and having a quick pint on my way back to bed. My ex-wife would find me the next morning, passed out in the slops. To answer your question, though: if I were you, I’d use the two rules of family gatherings—arrive early, and leave early. I understand you’ve got to show your face, but there’s nothing to stop you keeping the torture to a minimum.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My dad is close to having a nervous breakdown over my 25-year-old sister’s choice of boyfriend. He’s is an illegal immigrant and a heavy dope smoker with (I’m not kidding) a tattoo of a pork chop and two chicken drumsticks on his chest. What can I do to put her off him?