21
Love and war . . .
I
was high off Josiah's touch.
His scent.
His presence.
This was the sweetest morning I'd had in a long time. Waking up next to my sweetie was like having my own personal sunrise.
Which is why . . . I guess . . . I forgot everything else that existed and needed my attention. At least until my phone rang and Zaire's name flashed across my screen.
Dang!
I swallowed.
Looked over at Josiah.
Still sleeping.
Don't answer.
I have to.
“Hello?” I whispered into the phone.
“Why are you whispering?” Zaire said, taken aback.
“I'm not whispering. I'm sick, remember?”
“Of course I remember. That's why I'm callingâto see how you're doing.”
“Iâ” I cleared my throat. “A little better. But still sick. I think I might have the flu.”
“Maybe you need to see the doctor. You want me to take you?”
Is he serious? He wouldn't even step into the room with me and now he is willing to ride me around?
“No. It's okay. I'll go to the health center on campus.”
“Sure?”
“Positive.”
“I love you.”
“Okay. I'll talk to you soon.” And I hung up.
I felt like such a jerk. I hated this.
You need to tell him.
But how do I do that?
The last thing I wanted to do was break Zaire's heart.
He doesn't deserve that.
He doesn't deserve this.
“How long are you gon' keep that up?”
I jumped and quickly turned over and faced Josiah.
“I asked you a question.”
“I thought you were 'sleep.”
“Well, I wasn't. Now, when are you going to tell him?” He sat up.
“Tell him what? About us?”
Was he crazy?
“I can't tell him that.”
“You don't have to tell him that. You just need to break up with him.”
“Josiah, we just started working out this lil situation and now you up and think I should just break up with my boyfriend. Really?” And, yeah, I said it with an attitude.
Josiah smirked. “So you just a player now, huh?”
“I never said that.”
“No, what you said was ridiculous.”
“It's not ridiculous! And why is everyone so interested in what I'm doing and in me leaving Zaire. What is that really about?”
“You tell me. Because after what we shared last night, you really think I'ma just step to the left and be good with that? Nah. Now what you need to do is kill the attitude, stop being extra, and just keep it real with me.”
“So you're saying I don't keep it real?”
“There you go. Don't put words in my mouth.”
“Josiah, this is not as easy as you think. He was there for me. I can't just hurt him like that. And if he found out . . .”
“Found out what? That you never stopped having feelings for me?”
“Exactly!”
“Don't you think he needs to know?”
“Eventually.”
“You're being real silly right now. And while you're trying to babysit his feelings, where do you think I'ma be? Waiting patiently? Nah. I'm never gon' settle for second best.”
“Nobody said you had to.”
“Then what are you saying? And don't bull-ish me, Seven. Because one thing about you, you don't mince words. So all this back-and-forth you're doing is not even you. You've never been that kind of girl.”
“I've never cheated before either, and obviously you're a little more versed in this area than I am.”
“Don't go there. Stick to the point.”
“Look, I'ma need you to relax for a minute and let me handle this.”
“I'ma let you handle it, but let me just leave you with this: Don't make me pay twice.” He tossed the covers off and started to dress.
My heart jumped in my chest. “Where are you going? Are you coming back?”
“I'll be back. I have a team meeting this morning at eight and if I'm late, Coach gon' be in my you-know-what. So I need to run back to my apartment, shower, and head out. Afterward, we can walk to class together.” He leaned over the bed toward me and said, “Gimme a kiss.”
I slid my arms around his neck and happily blessed him with one.
“You still love me?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Then handle that situation.” And he walked out, closing the door behind him.
I lay with my back pressed against the wall, doing all I could to play out every scenario in my mind of how I would explain to Zaire that although we'd promised each other the world, I couldn't give him my part . . . anymore . . . because my heart wouldn't do what my mind told it to.
Maybe I should send him a text.
I can't play him like that.
A letter.
No.
Just tell him.
How?
Don't worry about that right now.
When?
Later.
I got out of bed, gathered my clothes for the day, and headed to the shower.
As the steamy water beat against my skin, I did all I could to outrun my thoughts. They were simply too much at this moment.
And it's not that I didn't want to break up with Zaire. I just didn't want to be the one to do it. It was too hard. Too complicated. And if I stepped to him attempting to bring our world to a close, then I'd have to explain how we weren't meant to be anymore.
And I didn't know how I would do that. Knowing that he'd given me his everything. Yet, his everything wasn't good enough.
Stop thinking about it.
How?
Let it go.
I dressed in a pair of black Love Pink sweats, a matching Stiles U hoody, and Nike Air Max shoes. Stuffed my books and binder into my backpack, and as I sat on the edge of my bed, I noticed my phone blinking. It was a text from Josiah. I'm on my way.
A smile ran all over my face and butterflies invaded my stomach. All I could do was fall back onto my bed. Clutch the pillow he'd slept on to my chest. Close my eyes and drown myself in the scent of his lingering cologne.
“Spill it right now. And don't leave nothing out!” Khya walked into my room and leaned against the door frame.
“What?” I turned my head and gave her a goofy smile.
“Don't give me that. Whatchu mean, what? You know what.” She walked over and lay on my bed next to me. “I saw you creep-creep out the party last night with homie. And I saw him leaving this morning, with a grin so wide and so sweet, looked like he'd been suckin' on Laffy Taffys.”
“No, he wasn't.”
“Oh yes, he was. Now”âshe leaned up on an elbowâ“don't skip any of the details. Start from the moment he whispered in your ear, âI'm 'bout to wax that.' ” She popped her lips. “And go straight to the moment he dropped to one knee and swore he was gon' put a ring on it.”
“First of all, had he told me he was going to wax anything, he would've never left the party with me. 'Cause I would be what? Disgusted.”
“You are way too prissy.”
“And for your information, he didn't drop down on one knee.”
“Oh, don't even sweat that. When is he coming back over here? 'Cause I'ma have a nice lil cocktail for him.”
“Oh my God. You're trying to kill him!”
“No, I'm not. Why would you say that? I don't do that. Except this one time I worked something up on Jamil. And the next day my mama said she had some bad news to tell me about my uncle. So I'm thinking that my gris had crossed his wires. Turned out my uncle was on his way to jail.”
“Jail?”
“Yeah, bootleg CDs. Like really, who is still selling bootleg CDs? I was so embarrassed, I would've sent him a few care packages had he at least been selling bootleg DVDs. But CDs? You gets no love for that. In fact, you get the booty stamp. Now let's get back to you and Doctor Hot. I wanna hear it all.”
Knock knock.
“Speaking of Doctor Hot.” I smiled so wide my dimples felt like quarters sinking into my cheeks. “He's here.” I stood up, slung my backpack over my left shoulder, and walked toward the front door.
“Aw, that is so romantically fierce,” Khya said, walking beside me. “Seven, I am so proud of you. You and your old ex and new boo, all wrapped up into one, are walking to class together? That is sooo fly.”
“Well, you know how we do.” I popped my invisible collar and Khya and I broke out into a series of giggles.
“Hey, boo! You weren't even gone that long and I've missed you,” I said, excited as I answered the door, happily swinging it open.
“And who did you miss? I thought you were sick.”
“She was sick.” Khya patted me on the back.
Cough. Cough.
“Really? Well, you look great to me,” Zaire said.
I was able to cough a little, but when I looked up into Zaire's face, I saw that he looked beyond pissed.
I did my best to clear my throat and wipe the surprised look off of my face.
“I need to speak to you. Now.”
“But I was getting ready to . . .” I turned toward Khya.
“Go to class.” She shot Zaire a quick smile and nodded her head. “So you'd better get going before Professor Fine comes looking for you.” She pushed me slightly. “Get going. You know you can't be late.”
“True.” I walked through the door and reached for the knob to close it.
“Hold up.” Zaire reached behind me and pushed the door open. “What's the hurry? I need to hollah at you real quick.” He walked into the apartment.
“Can we talk about this another time? Courtney is 'sleep, and trust me, you don't want to be here when he wakes up. He is so grouchy. If he sees you standing here, I might have to hook off or cuss him out.”
Zaire looked at me, completely unimpressed. He held a rolled-up newspaper in his hand and repeated, “I need to hollah at you.”
“Can we walk and talk?”
“No. What we can do is step into your room.”
I swallowed. “Okay.”
We walked into my room and Zaire's eyes skipped from my unmade bed to Josiah's trophy that sat on my nightstand.
“Oh, that's nothing,” I volunteered.
“What are you doing with it?”
“Umm, see what had happened was ummâ”
“Why don't you stop lying? 'Cause you all in the paper with him.”
“What?” My heart skipped a beat.
“You heard me.”
“Huh?”
What did he just say?
“I need to go. Seriously.” I stepped toward the door.
He blocked my path. “What's the rush for?”
“I told you I have class,” I said, frustrated.
“You told me a lot of things, but that doesn't make any of them true.”
“What?” I gave him the screw face that clearly said,
Dude, would you move?
He carried on. “Let's just skip the bull. Why did you lie to me last night, say you were sick, when this is what you were doing?” He unrolled the paper and I couldn't believe it. There I was. On the front page. Wrapped in a full embrace with Josiah. My eyes scanned the headlines: I Fly Better When You're Around.
My heart stopped, and for a moment I swear I couldn't breathe.
Think... Think... Think...
“Clearly that's photoshopped.”
“Don't.”
“Okay, so whatever, I got up and went to the game. And? It doesn't mean I wasn't sick.”
“You're still lying!”
“I'm not lying! Obviously I went to the game!”
“Yeah, obviously. Now, why are you standing in this picture hugging him?”
“Because he's my friend.”
Just tell him the truth.
“Your friend?” He looked at me with eyes filled with disgust. “Word? Last I checked he was a bastard and you hated him. Remember that?”
“I can't hate him forever!”
Zaire chuckled in disbelief. “Oh word? Really? And when did you stop hating him? Before or after you were hugged up with him? What? You sleep with him last night too?” He focused on my unmade bed.
“I can't believe you said that! Just get out my face. I gotta go!” My heart felt like it was going to drop out of my chest at any moment. All I could see was Josiah bustin' in here and the two of them bustin' it up. “Zaire, we can talk about this later.” I did everything I could not to stutter.
“Nah, that's your problem. You always runnin'. You gon' handle this now!”
“Would you stop buggin'! Josiah and I are just friends! See, this is why we can't talk about anything!”
“Now we can't talk. Since when?”
“No, we can't talk! 'Cause whenever I have tried to hold a conversation with you, you either have to work, go to school, or you fall asleep on me!”
“So you sabotage everything because I have to work? And go to school. And I fall asleep? I'm tired. I have no choice but to work, and go to school, and all I have to take care of me is me. How many times do I have to tell you that?”
“So where do I fit in? Every time I turn around, everything is on your time and only happens if you want to do it! What about me? What about what I want? I'm bored. Pizza every night. And your freakin' showers that you take like clockwork. You say the same things all the time. Nothing about you is fun anymoreâspontaneous! I'm bored and I'm sick of it! So yeah, I lied and said I was sick and I went to the game. So that calls for you runnin' up in here trying to accuse me. Before you start in on me, you need to check yourself! And like I said, we're just friends. Now back up!”