Tomorrow Will Be Too Late (15 page)

Well, she could tell him there weren’t that many people she could have
put
into
that
category, Kate thought, a bubble of hysteria rising in her throat as she fought the inappropriate urge to laugh.
Of course
,
he knew the story of her closest family very well.
Her parents were divorced,
each
of them pursuing new lives in
either
Europe
or
Indonesia. She had seen her father twice while in Australia. Both of the short meetings
had
convinced her that he wasn’t really interested in more than short phone calls and emails. He had remarried, his new wife and her large family absorbing him enough to
sideline
his children from his first marriage. It didn’t hurt that Jade, the beautiful Thai goddess with almond
-
shaped eyes and
bee-stung
lips, was thirty years younger. Her father worshipped the ground she walked on, doing his best to live up to her expectations.
Her mom used to be around much more often, every time her new partner
,
Johann
,
had a business trip to the west coast. Still, for most of the year they lived in his native Holland, keeping in touch t
h
rough emails and
Skype
. She knew her mom was super excited to
attend
Alice’s wedding, even though they would be able to come a mere three days before the actual date. Johann ran a large gardening center back home,
springtime
being
one of the busiest in his business.

‘I’m fine
.
’
She
smiled reassuringly, feeling oddly
detached
from the whole situation. Once again,
she
felt as if she
were
watching someone else, safe behind
a
glass wall that separated her from the ordeal.

‘
You
see, I didn’t expect anything
un
usual when I sent the
specimen to the lab
,
’
he
started again, clearing his throat and sounding more professional. ‘Just the usual procedure, you understand?’

‘Of course.’ She felt her impatience burn inside her like lava rising in a dormant volcano,
unstoppable
and destructive. She wanted to hear it, she thought desperately, even if it meant a division of her life into two distinctive halves, separated by this millisecond before she knew for sure what was wrong with her. It would be the beginning of measuring her life in terms of before and after the fact she was diagnosed with this unknown disease that set the dominoes into
free-fall
.

S
he wanted to know
, t
o hear it
named
out loud,
if only
to be able to shape her lips around the unknown cluster of vowels and consonants that would ultimately be her
fate.

‘
It’s
so rare, only a few people are diagnosed with this particular type of cancer every year.’ Did the doctor
expect
her to get excited to be so special and unique? Or was it her consolation
prize—t
he fact that
not
many others
were
contesting her
for
the title of being the most unusual patient of the year
?
Still, it didn’t feel like a prize she was too eager to claim, Kate thought
,
making a conscious effort to remain focused.

‘It’s called subcutaneous panniculitis-like T-cell lymphoma, Kate.’ So, there it was. A mouthful, too difficult to repeat,
let
alone comprehend.

‘I’ve never heard of it,
’
she
answered weakly, realizing that the doctor waited for her reaction. What was one supposed to answer to a revelation like that
,
anyway?

‘I’m not surprised, dear.’ The paternal tone was back in place, her cool reception visibly relaxing the
doctor
’s tense posture. ‘
It’s
the first time I
’
m dealing with something like that myself.’

‘How is it treated?’ S
he braced herself for some grueling description of the treatment, the idea of chemo and radiation sending shivers down her spine. It would be the most difficult thing she had ever done, for sure, but she was a fighter.
T
herefore it came as a total shock to her
when
she saw the doctor shake his head, his expression growing even more wistful.

‘
Well
, this is the thing, Kate.’ He took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose,
then
put them back on, the gesture
doing
nothing more
than
buying him some time.
‘
There
is
no
treatment
for
this type of cancer that we know of right now
.
’

Icy coldness, numbing and painful at the same time,
spread over her with lightning speed, slowing down her
mental
functions
before
bringing them to a grinding halt.

‘What do you mean?’
she
asked, her own voice sounding hollow to her ears. ‘
There
must be something
.
There
’
s a treatment for anything, isn’t there? I mean, I don’t expect it to be easy but certainly there must be something
.
’

She
saw him shake his head again, her eyes lingering on the way the lamp in the office reflected on his bald, shiny head
. His skin was glossy and polished, her thoughts transgressing to
the
idle question
of whether
he used cosmetics to keep it
that
way. She was losing it, she thought desperately, losing it completely, her babbling bargaining but a small step from a
full-blown
breakdown.

‘We will run
some
CT scans
,
of course
.
’

W
ith superhuman effort
,
she managed to steer herself away from the edge of her inner precipice and listened again, her cold fingers
intertwined
in her lap.

‘
But
I have
to tell you
,
we ran the tests in two separate labs
, my dear. Both times it came back with the same re
sult, so I would not hope for a
miracle.’

No kidding,
but
what else
was
there to hope for
,
Kate
felt tempted to ask
.
She
bit her lip until she tasted the metallic flavor of her blood. It wasn’t the doctor’s fault
;
she had to remember that, however tempting it seemed to lash out at him and kill the messenger
with
the bad news.

‘So what’s my prognosis?’
she
asked, only the slightest tremble marring her voice.

‘
One
year, two at most.’

Did he realize what
that
meant to her? Kate sat silently, staring at the older man with disbelief that soon turned to defiance. It was
n’t
fair, she thought angrily, her stomach churning. Good thing she
hadn’t eaten
anything
that
morning
;
otherwise she might have got
ten
sick right
t
here, in his pristine office. As it was,
she had
only a hollow pain somewhere deep inside her, sucking out the air from her lungs and making it hard to breathe.

‘But I feel great,’ she started again, refusing to accept the prognosis. ‘I mean, shouldn’t I
at least
have some symptoms,
Dr
. Merkle? Anything at all?’

‘You
had the lump
.
’ H
e sighed, his bushy eyebrows knitted into one line. ‘I really wish I could tell you something different, but it’s important to get the facts straight from the start. I’ve always believed that patients should be empowered and well
-
informed, Kate.’

She watched him get up and walk over to her, his hand coming to rest on her shoulder. She couldn’t really feel it at all, she realized, her whole body shut down in
self-protective
numbness.

‘I will call you right away when we know the exact booking
schedule
for the
CT s
can
, Kate
.
’
He
looked down at her, a reassuring smile on his face. ‘Also, I have contacted a colleague of mine to take on your case. He is one of the most reputable oncologists I
know,
and it will be much better if it’s him who
sits
down with you and runs over the details.
He has an opening for you in three days, so you won’t have to wait too long. I
know
how stressful it must feel for you right now.
’

He had no clue how she felt, Kate felt tempted to say, her temples throbbing with the beginning of a tension headache. How could he? After all
,
he wasn’t the one sitting in her chair being told he would most probably die in a span of two years.

‘I still can’t believe it
,
’
she
said helplessly, the realization of having lost the battle before even starting to fight back washing over her and filling her with despair
. ‘It just doesn’t make any sense.’

‘It never does, dear.’ She noticed him
glance
fleetingly at his expensive wristwatch, the gesture discreet
,
yet blatantly obvious. She wasn’t his only patient
,
after all. And since he was transferring her to the specialist
, his
role as her doctor was over. She didn’t want to leave, though. Absurdly, it felt reassuring to be here, surrounded by his books and equipment, their conversation postponing the unavoidable that waited for her once she walked out his door. As long as they talked, she had at least some minute control over what was happening, whereas leaving meant accepting the facts and trying to figure out what to do next.
She didn’t have
too many options, it seemed.

‘In the meantime
,
I would suggest you read about your disease and try to understand it better. It’s not much of a consolation, but it will make it easier for you to understand what’s happening.’

It was the understatement of the century, she thought as they shook hands and he escorted her to the door, his mellow voice failing to calm her down at all. What consolation could it be to read one’s death verdict?

By the time she reached her car, her cool demeanor started to crack, the shock of the news finally settling in and making it impossible to drive. She didn’t
know
how long she sat there, crying silently as she grasped the driving wheel, desperate to hold on to something tangible and normal.

It wasn’t
fair
,
she kept thinking, her eyes burning and throat raw from her sobbing. She lived
health consciously
, definitely taking the cake for being the most boring and predictable single woman in Seattle, at least according to her sister. Thinking about Alice made things even worse, the sheer thought of having to share with her the horrible news taking her despair to a completely new level.

She would wait for her visit with the oncologist, she decided, knowing deep down that she
was looking
for an excuse to keep the news under wraps for as long as possible.
She had
no
right
to turn
Alice
into a
nervous
wreck, however tempting it seemed to be able to share her burden with someone who cared. Once she had all the facts and some clear idea of what to expect in the weeks to come, she would have to bring it up to her family, anyway. A bit of postponing could do no harm, especially with all the wedding preparation
s.