Today I Am a Ma'am: and Other Musings On Life, Beauty, and Growing Older (6 page)

An elegant matron swept up to me on a wave of perfume one day while I was walking my dog, Archie. I was dressed in old sweats and a slouchy hat, and she looked as if she’d just stepped out of a Christian Dior showroom. “My dear!” she cried. “I must tell you. You have given me more pleasure in bed than
any
of my husbands.” That was high praise indeed. I realized that she was referring to the reruns of
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
and
Rhoda
that air between midnight and two
A.M.

Erma Bombeck wrote, “A friend will tell you the truth about your culottes.” A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend—and he’s a priest.”

I’m blessed with a group of girlfriends who are frank, funny, upbeat, and not afraid to call a liver spot a liver spot. We love each other dearly. Since we’re all taking the same ride—we try to make the most of it.

To me, one of the best things about
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
was that it gave great girlfriend. Mary and Rhoda were opposites in many ways, but they kept their criticisms of each other within the space of love and friendship.

Rhoda would see Mary wimping out and say, “Mary, please, when are you gonna stand up for yourself? Don’t take that from him.” Mary would see Rhoda making crazy choices, and she’d say, “Rhoda, why are you dating that guy? He spends your money, he sees other women, he spends your money
on
other women. Do you really think so little of yourself?” One of my favorite lines was “You, Mary, will marry a crowned head of Europe. I, on the other hand, will eat three hundred peanut butter cups and die.” Girlfriends.

The irony is that Mary and Rhoda were originally conceived as adversaries, but the writers had the relationship quickly evolve. With Phyllis, played by Cloris Leachman, we became a triangle. Rhoda and Phyllis sniping, with Mary in the middle, but girlfriends in spite of it. What fun we had!

My friend Arlene used to organize afternoon tea parties for her women friends at a place called Trumps in Beverly Hills. During one of these teas, someone suggested that at a certain age, a woman should avoid being on top during lovemaking. “Gravity does terrible things to your face,” she said sagely. Just what I wanted to hear over Darjeeling and scones! Later, by telephone, Arlene and I each put a makeup mirror on our respective tables and leaned our faces over to have a look. We shrieked with horror and hilarity as we watched sags form. Our tea party pal had a point. Try it for yourself, but don’t freak out. There are choices:

Thank God for humor! And thank God for women who have introduced a whole new world of funnies specifically designed for midlife women. Let me mention my two favorites:

MINNIE PAUZ

On the Internet:
www.minniepauz.com

Phone: 248-969-3937

Minnie Pauz is a cartoon character created by midlife cartoonist Dee Adams. Minnie’s “natural” prescription for menopause is humor. Click on to the website and laugh your socks off at over seventy cartoons. You’ll learn something, too. There’s solid information and sharing involved. You can also get T-shirts and coffee mugs featuring Minnie stating, “I’m just a Rebel with the Pause.”

HEATWAVE

On the Internet:
www.menomaven.com

Phone: 877-660-9771 (tollfree)

Jackie Brookman, creator of Minerva the Menopausal Maven, came up with the idea of helping menopausal women take a progressive journey (guided by Minerva) from Hormone Hell to Hormone Heights. The Heatwave Card Conversations is a card deck of sixty-six cards in six categories, each with its own dose of wit and wisdom. Here are some examples, compliments of Minerva:

Menomoment:
I met someone I hadn’t seen in fifteen years and she said, “You look great and healthy.” I heard, “You look old and fat.”

Minerva’s Response:
First things first. Get your hearing checked for compliment comprehension. Seems to be an audibility problem there.

Menomoment:
I have very little interest in sex for the first time in my adult life. I’d rather go shopping.

Minerva’s Response:
Listless Low Libido: You are in luck. Your estrogen may be low, but your brain, the greatest erogenous zone in your body, is still working! On your next spree, acquire an aphrodisiac: a nasty, naughty novel for nightly noctural emissions. Whoa, is it getting hot in here or what??

Let me tell you a secret about being a sixty-plus woman. It’s a blast. I’m more comfortable with
me
than I’ve ever been before. It’s easier for me to say, “No.” I seem to be laughing more and worrying less. Maybe I don’t have the sexual appeal I had when I was thirty, and that’s fine because I’m not interested in attracting men anyway. What’s wonderful is that, finally, I feel relaxed in my own skin.

I’ve heard it said that if you can imagine something, you can make it real. So, imagine this:

What’s holding you back from living fully? Is it fear? Let’s look at this terrible, terrifying thing called aging. It breaks my heart when I hear a woman in her thirties say, “I’m getting old.” In that state of mind she’s got no chance of experiencing fully her thirties. Susan, a comedy writer friend of mine, related what her mom recently confessed: “When I became fifty I realized that I was old. Now I’m sixty and I wish I could be as young as fifty!” This is the human pattern of longing that gets in the way of living.

We fear aging for a lot of reasons. The expectation of failing health, the loss of status, the prospect of being alone, and the uncertainty—“What is going to become of me?” A person can be frozen with fear if she spends too much time imagining that the Grim Reaper is sharpening his blade. I think the best way to beat back the fear of death is to
live
—actively choose to live as full-out as you can.

What’s holding you back from loving fully? Is it anger? Those old grievances, jealousies, and arguments drag you down and age you more than anything else. Two very dear friends of mine had a major falling out over a minor thing some fifteen years ago. They stopped speaking. Recently, I arranged a luncheon and invited them both, without telling either who was coming. What I’d hoped for happened. In an instant, with tears and hugs, the bitter feelings were erased. Life really
is
too short.

My kid sister, Ginger, successful attorney and mom, once said, “People spend so much time, money, and effort on physical fitness. How about a little
mental
fitness. Read a book!”

I wish there were aerobics studios that specialized in mental fitness. The instructor would be licensed by Mensa. She’d line us up and shout, “Come on, girls, work those brain muscles!”

With Mozart booming on the stereo, we’d chant, “
E
equals
mc
squared. DNA stands for deoxyribonucleic acid and is the blueprint of the human cell.”

The electricity emanating from our heads would be—well,
heady
.

“Come on, break a sweat! What’s the capital of Bangladesh? Spell proletariat—P-R-O-L-E-T-A-R-I-A-T. Name the great women of the twentieth century—Margaret Sanger . . . Golda Meir . . . Toni Morrison . . . Hillary Clinton . . . work those muscles!”

Now that I’ve passed age sixty, these rules are more important to me than ever.

1. Set your own terms.

Decide what really matters to you. Don’t chase after false glories or live by others’ rules. I learned my lesson the day I found out that someone was marketing Valerie Harper refrigerator magnets. Can you imagine chasing after fame so you can be immortalized on a magnet stuck to a refrigerator?

2. Overdo it.

When I was young, I had boundless energy and a tendency to overdo. My mother was always telling me, “Valerie, don’t overdo it.” As I matured, I realized that, given the state of the world, maybe others were
under
doing it.

3. Give it a new spin.

Question what you’ve automatically accepted as so. For example: Cellulite is biologically positive. Why not decide to
adore
cellulite?

4. Get interested.

Stop working so hard at being
interesting
and focus on what’s outside yourself. There are universes out there that need to be explored. And, an
interested
person is extremely
interesting
.

5. Relax.

Realize that it’s all going to turn out. You don’t have to be a feverish ball of nervous tension. Put an end to white-knuckle living and create your own inner peace and quiet.

6. Trust yourself.

Self-doubt is immobilizing. Given the years you’ve lived, you deserve to have some confidence. Way back, my big sister, Leah, gave me some great advice: “Laugh when you can, cry if you must, but keep moving.”

7. Be the one.

A friend told me that what bothers her about being older is having people assume that it’s all over for her, even though she feels so vital, alert, and
young
. Well, you can’t change the culture overnight. But you can change yourself. Change starts with you.

We are Women of a Certain Age—WOACA. It’s pronounced WOE-ah-ka, but don’t start saying, “Woe is me.” To the contrary.

As a WOACA you are released from a certain prison. You suffer less curtailment of movement. Strange and creepy guys no longer whistle and make lewd comments when you walk down the street. You can come and go as you please with dignity.

When you were younger, perhaps you found that your identity was completely wrapped up in whether or not a man was interested in you. I know that was true for me. You are freed from that prison, too. No longer do you have to wait for the phone to ring, or to be asked to dance, or to be kissed awake by Prince Charming.

Women are served by the power shift that occurs as we age. Run with your freedom and don’t fret that you’re not what you used to be. You are what you are now—and you couldn’t be this “you” without the years. So take heart. Live it up and walk tall. You’re a ma’am!

As that great role model of WOACA, Sophia Loren, once said, “There is a fountain of youth. It is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of the people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.”

VALERIE HARPER
played the memorable Rhoda Morgenstern first on
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
and then on her own spin-off series,
Rhoda
, for nine years. During that time she won four Emmys, a Golden Globe, Harvard University’s Hasty Pudding Woman of the Year Award, and the Hollywood Women’s Press Club “Golden Apple” Award. She lives in Beverly Hills.

CATHERINE WHITNEY
is a nonfiction writer who has collaborated on many books for women. She lives in New York.

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T
ODAY I AM A MA’AM
. Copyright © 2001 by Valerie Harper. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

FIRST EDITION

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Harper, Valerie, 1940–

Today I Am a Ma’am: and other musings on life, beauty, and growing older / Valerie Harper with Catherine Whitney.

     
p.
    
cm.

ISBN 0-06-019929-6

EPub Edition September 2013 ISBN 9780062326348

1. Women—Humor. 2. Middle-aged women—Humor. I. Whitney, Catherine. II. Title.