Toby (12 page)

A stalemate was reached. Hugo remained under the covers, peeking out from time to time to make sure Toby had not advanced on him. At first, when he saw the boy’s eyes, Toby would wave or nod his head or say something innocuous like “
Salut,
” but this only served to inflame Hugo.

Half an hour passed in silence, though it felt like a full morning of peeking and looking away and smelling stale urine. When the front door of the apartment suddenly opened, they raced to the bedroom door. Toby just about knocked the boy to the parquet floor as they rounded the corner. They
rushed into what served as the salon, and Hugo broke into tears again and jumped into his mother’s arms.

“You’re awake, my darling, awake.”

Toby was entirely dressed but for his shoes, so he put them on as mother and son became reacquainted. The boy clung to her like a gibbon.

“Where’re you going?”

“Home. Then to Dollard. Then I don’t know. Saskatchewan.”

“I went out shopping for breakfast. I got bacon.”

“Thank you again, Catherine, for a bewitching evening. But I really must go.”

She did not seem fazed by this. “Are you and Toby friends now?” Her voice raised an octave when she spoke to her son. “Good buddies?”

“Hugo was terrified, which seems natural. He was left alone with a stranger.”

“It was just a few minutes.”

“Again, thank you for last night. It was extraordinary.” Toby saluted on his way out the door. “And Hugo, good luck to you, my handsome young friend.”

Toby spent three hours scrubbing
and cleaning the condominium for a parade of men and women whose most pressing problem, for the moment, was deciding how exactly to spend $450,000. He phoned his real estate agent, a dangerously thin woman he had interviewed for a recent segment of
Toby a Gentleman
on how to remain poised in the midst of financial calamity.

“You’re trading up?” she said.

“I can answer that in a variety of ways.”

“This is a terrific time to buy, Toby.”

“Not to sell?”

“As long as you stay in the market. You’re staying in the market. Good lord, tell me you’re not fleeing the market.”

“I’m not fleeing the market.”

“Never flee a down market.”

A night of drinking red wine and the stress of babysitting conspired with the cleaning supplies to give him an eye-twisting headache shortly after noon. He boiled a pot of chamomile tea, tried to drink a mug of it, and lay on the chesterfield. Thirty-seven was so close to forty, and forty was
practically fifty, if you lay on the couch with chamomile tea and a hangover and really thought about it. He had grey and thinning hair. The skin on his neck was softening. The stock market crash had not affected him because he owned no stock. To be unemployed and unemployable at this age was his most potent nightmare—but it no longer fit the precise definition of a nightmare because he was actually living it. He lay on the chesterfield and came up with a new most-potent nightmare: to be unemployed and unemployable at practically fifty with a palsy that comes out of nowhere and makes one side of your face sag.

Edward had taken the train into Montreal to have dead skin scraped and sluiced from his burns, and had been calling to ask Toby to meet him for a late lunch. To avoid thinking about himself any longer—the possibility that a man without a career was not a man at all—Toby phoned Edward back and arranged to meet him a few blocks south of the hospital.

The bistro was an imperfect choice. Toby had remembered it from his student days as relaxed and affordable, with thrift-store art on the walls and far too much smoke in the air. But the boom-economy sandwich years had inspired an unearned air of formality and tradition in the small room, and several more tables had been squeezed in. The server wore a black polyester suit and tie. A small towel with a Kilkenny ale logo was draped over his arm to complete the picture of near sophistication. It was enough to intimidate Edward, who had worn sweatpants and a black Jazz Fest 1997 T-shirt.

“Everyone’s staring at me.”

“No they aren’t, Dad. But you really shouldn’t leave the house in sweatpants.”

“I’m a burn victim.”

“There is really no excuse. None exists. Maybe exercising—maybe.”

Toby had discovered a book called
Birds of Southern Quebec
as he had cleaned, a gift from the president of the Regroupement Québec Oiseaux, whom he had interviewed while filling in for Leonard, the Madman in the Morning. He presented it to his father while they waited for the server.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“It’s better than praying and taking drugs combined, they say.”

“Who says? Birdwatchers? They’re hardly neutral.” Edward flipped through the book, looking at the colour photographs and illustrations. “I understand birdwatching. I just don’t
understand
it.”

The server arrived with a basket of sliced baguette, a pitcher of water, and a booming “
Bonjour.
” Edward ordered a litre of house red wine before Toby could warn him against it. If he were capable of destroying his beloved Day of the Dead dioramas while quoting from religious texts, who knows what he might do after two or three glasses of Caballero de Chile.

Edward closed the book. “I’ll take a whack at watching birds.”

The bistro was half-f of sleepy graduate students and various quasi-professionals in blazers and jeans. None of the men wore ties, yet all but one of the women had scarves, which briefly meant something to Toby. The conversations around them were exactly the way Toby would have liked his relationship with his parents to be: light, effortless, uncomplicated, occasionally ironic. Edward sat like an apprentice spy whose cover has been blown.

“Nothing came of all those resumés I sent out.”

“Idiots.”

“I picked sort of a terrible time to destroy my life. Economically speaking.”

“Problems can be opportunities, they say.”

“The real estate agent thinks I’ll get four-fifty for the condo.”

“How much did you pay?”

“Three-ninety. But I put about fifty thousand into it.”

“You could lose money.”

“I could.”

“Only a Mushinsky.”

The wine arrived in a carafe that was once a milk bottle. Toby raised his glass but struggled to find an appropriate toast. He proposed one to a general improvement of conditions. They drank to “anything will do.”

“Great wine,” said Edward.

It was not great wine.

“Are you ready to order lunch?” Toby asked.

“I’m not hungry.”

“But we’re out for lunch. Historically, at lunch, people—”

“I wanted to see you, without your mom.”

Toby worried that his father wanted to speak to him about moving into the house in Dollard as a sort of long-term caregiver, so he looked around quickly to see if anyone was watching. No one was, so he took a long drink of his inferior wine. “All right.”

“Something’s wrong with me,” Edward said with the uncommon calm in his voice that Toby remembered from the neighbour’s lawn on the night of the fire. “Something’s wrong with me, inside.”

“Nothing’s wrong with you.”

The server returned and, with his put-on Parisian accent, asked for their orders. Toby chose a goat cheese salad for himself and a bowl of soup for Edward, who either didn’t notice or didn’t understand. When they were alone again, Edward said, “Don’t pretend. You know.”

“I don’t know anything.”

“You were there.”

“I was where?”

“You’re playing stupid.”

“Evidence clearly shows that I
am
stupid.”

“We’re going bankrupt.”

“No, you aren’t, Dad.”

“But I won’t be here to see it through.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’ll need you to take care of your mom.”

“Where are you going?”

“Listen to me.” Edward placed his bandaged hand on Toby’s. “Look at me and listen to me very carefully. I want you to take care of your mom.”

“Dad.”

“I want you to fall in love properly, and get married. You need a child to understand life. I know you think you understand everything, but you don’t. You don’t understand anything yet.”

“What is this?”

“And make your name Mushinsky again, one of these days. That hurt me very much, as you know, and I worry that it hurts you. Deep inside. Woody Allen’s real name is Konigsberg, and I think the reason his movies aren’t for shit anymore is that it rotted him, inside, to be untruthful.”

Edward’s voice was clear and calm, but too loud and
rising. Toby looked around to see if anyone had noticed.

“You can’t be untruthful. Are you listening?”

“No.”

“You owe it to me to listen.”

“I’ll listen to anything about birdwatching or the Chien Chaud, your treatment today, retirement plans. Normal things. But this…”

“I’ll ask you to look for God.”

“Come on.”

“If you don’t find Him, that’s fine. It’s the process, I’ve learned, that’s good for you. Rabbi Orlovsky will help. I’ve already spoken to him about your struggle.”

“What struggle?”

“There is no out. There is only the in.”

“I’m not Jewish, Dad.”

“Just like Woody Allen.”

Toby grabbed
Birds of Southern Quebec
with his free hand, as though it were a root that might save him from sliding down an escarpment. Edward pulled it back.

“I’ve been memorizing things before bed. ‘Speak to Him thou for He hears, and Spirit with Spirit can meet—Closer is He than breathing, and nearer than hands and feet.’”

“You’re a little loud.”

“‘Nearer than hands and feet.’”

Toby’s heart beat hotly and crookedly in his chest, as it had in the hospital on the night of the accident. The wine was not working.

“One more thing.”

“No more things. Please.”

The server returned to the table to fill their glasses. He looked down at their hands, Edward’s on Toby’s, and spent a
moment regarding Edward’s attire. Toby had worn the Prada again, because only Catherine had seen him in it. He looked up at the lingering server. “
Un problème?
”

“
Pas du tout, Monsieur.
” The server backed away.

Toby took another long drink of his wine and spoke quietly. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Dad. Absolutely nothing that birdwatching can’t fix. Birdwatching or golf. And you aren’t going anywhere.”

Edward leaned over the table. “Get Steve Bancroft.”

“Pardon?”

“You heard me.”

“Get?”

“Get him. He’s been coming into the shops the last while. It can only mean one thing.” The server propped open the bistro door to let in some air. The air helped. “Let me tell you about the fire.”

“You know what, Dad? I don’t want to hear about the fire.”

“I don’t care what you
want.
We’re miles past that now.” Edward had barked “want” and had shouted the rest. Everyone in the bistro, including the server and the woman behind the bar, looked at them. “There’s a crust around us, all around us. And I broke through. Everything else, all of this, all these people, these burns, this restaurant, it’s nothing. It’s an illusion. I’m after the truth now, before I go. The core of things.” Edward looked about. “Drink up, you people. Drink your fucking wine. I’m talking to my son.”

It was as though a wave had crashed in the restaurant and they were all waiting for the water to leave. Carrying an empty champagne bottle, the server looked around, perhaps for physical support, as he approached the table, new sweat on his forehead.

“Let’s go, Dad,” said Toby.

“I’m not going anywhere. We’ve got wine still.”

“We’ll get some more on the way home.”

“No!”

“You’re scaring these people.”

Edward looked around, and his eyes filled with tears. He opened his mouth slowly, in what seemed at first a yawn. It was a silent cry. His tongue was stained purple by the Caballero. Toby walked around the table and helped his father up. He apologized to the server and to the diners. “
Mon père est malade,
” he said. “He’s really sick, all right?” Toby pulled out his wallet to pay for the wine and the food they had ordered, but the server, emboldened by their retreat, shooed them away.

“
Allez-y,
” he said, raising his bottle.

Edward apologized all the way to the car, and in the car, and with each apology Toby assured him that he need not worry. It was nothing, really. Soon enough, it really was nothing. Edward flipped through
Birds of Southern Quebec
and decided he would focus on ducks, for starters.

Toby’s plan had been to drive immediately back to the condominium, but Karen drew him into the basement.

“What happened today?”

“Nothing.”

“Your dad’s face is a mess. From crying?”

“He was a bit off in the restaurant.”

Karen crossed her arms and sat in front of the television. It was cold in the basement, and it smelled as though the carpet had not been vacuumed in three or four years. “This is the rest of my life. Twenty years, or more, of looking after a…I don’t even know what to call it.”

“This is just a phase, Mom.”

“You know that isn’t true.”

“I’m not a psychiatrist.”

“You’d prefer not to discuss your father.”

“No, no. Let’s talk. Please.”

Karen expelled a sigh and a sarcastic chuckle at once. “You’re heading back to Montreal tonight?”

“I am.”

“Well, here’s the thing. Nahla’s pregnant, so—”

It no longer bothered Toby that his mother expected him to know everyone in her life by first name, even though he had not lived in Dollard in over ten years. “And Nahla is?”

“Nahla. Nahla! From the Dollard location. She just told me, but I knew. I could tell. She’s got appointments tomorrow afternoon, the first ultrasound. I was hoping you could cover.”

“You want me to work at the Chien Chaud?”

“I know it’s beneath you. It’s an insult, really. But I have to be at the bank.”

“Dad can’t do it?”

Karen pulled her hair out of its bun.

“Just tomorrow, Mom?”

“I promise.”

Toby did not want his parents to see him doing it, so he flopped in the basement to watch Century—Century News, two simulcast American forensic cop dramas, infomercials, and all-night movies about cops. Alicia and his former coworkers remained special in the only way we can be special, as images replicated exponentially through a marketplace, while he had become normal. The deathly fact of his normalness echoed in his parents’ basement. His girl showed up
at least twice an hour, promoting herself and her show in a navy suit that worked brilliantly with her eyes, her hair, her skin and the light. He knew the suit. They had been together the summer afternoon she found it, at Max Mara. Later that same soft day, Toby made a Waldorf salad and Alicia swiped one of her dad’s serious bottles of wine, and they walked up to King George Park for a picnic dinner. They chatted about a move to Toronto and European vacations they might take, the possibility of children. Several passersby recognized them and complimented them on their work. It was sunny and hot, but not too hot, and the wind did not bother them. After dark, they went to a party for a gay cabinet minister in Old Montreal, and a sweaty, coked-up man with a startling birthmark on his forehead asked Toby if he might join the party one day and run. He was handsome and bilingual, he had “name rec,” he had certain attachments to money. On the way home in the cab that night, Toby felt as though he were bursting from himself, as though his skin and bones could not hold him.

When he was sure his parents had fallen asleep, Toby taped one of Alicia’s promos and abused himself as he watched it forward and backward in slow motion. Then he went upstairs for some junk food, but all he could find were Fig Newtons.