Tiny Beautiful Things (10 page)

Dear Sugar
,

I’m a straight woman, soon to be thirty-four. Icky thoughts turn me on—thoughts about father-daughter incest or men “taking” me aggressively and my being submissive in bed. I’ve always tried to push these thoughts away because they’re out of line with who I am and also because they’re repulsive and embarrassing, but I usually can’t help myself and my mind wanders there anyway. They are, essentially, the way I get myself off
.

I’m a strong, independent, “normal,” feminist-minded woman who is of course against rape and incest and male domination, so I feel more than terrible that I have these thoughts and yet I can’t seem to stop them. I’ve had three serious boyfriends over the years and a few shorter-term dating partners/lovers, and recently I’ve started seeing a man I like a lot. With some of these men I’ve had a tiny bit of sexual power play, but I’ve never revealed the full extent of my desires and fantasies to anyone. I think one reason I feel so ashamed is that my father was mildly sexually abusive to me early on in my life (i.e., “light fondling” off and on for about a year). He died in a car accident when I was eight, so it didn’t go on very long, thank God, but I worry that my sick thoughts go back to him and what he did, especially because “daddy/daughter”
fantasies play rather prominently in my mind—which makes me want to puke
.

I’m writing to ask what you would do if you were me, Sugar. Should I give way to my sick thoughts or should I fight them off?

I know people do lots of kinky things, but I have zero interest in getting involved with an S&M community—that stuff is way too heavy for my taste anyway. I’m not into any sort of power imbalance outside the bedroom and I’m not a masochist in the slightest. I don’t want a dungeon or a whip or to be anyone’s slave. I just yearn to be lovingly but firmly dominated in bed (in ways that are almost exclusively psychological/conversational and nothing beyond tenderly firm when it comes to the physical aspects). I feel like I either need to purge these fantasies for good or fully embrace them so that I have a more fulfilled sex life. What would you do? How would you do it? Do you think I could ever risk sharing this with a man or would he think I was a sicko and run away?

Aching to Submit

Dear Aching to Submit,

Did you ever play that game as a kid where you’d go into a dark bathroom and stare at your shadowy reflection in the mirror and repeat
Mary Worth, Mary Worth, Mary Worth
thirteen times? The legend in my neck of the woods had it that by the time you spoke that last
Mary Worth
the mirror would crack and drip with blood and quite possibly Mary Worth herself would appear.

I remembered that game when I read your heartbreaking letter, Aching to Submit. I know it’s corny, but I’d like you to play your own version of the Mary Worth game with me. Step
into the bathroom and gaze at your reflection in the mirror and repeat this sentence to yourself thirteen times, but let’s leave on the lights:

Did the mirror crack and drip with blood? Did any scary faces appear? Did you run shrieking from the room? I hope your answer is no. I hope you stood right there and met your own gaze. Every agonizing bit of self-loathing in your letter and every conundrum you pose will be soothed and solved by your ability to do so, sweet pea.

Of course you’re not a sicko because icky thoughts turn you on! You aren’t even weird. Do you know how many women have these same fantasies? Invite your best girlfriends over and do a little
I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours
. Pick up any book that has the words “women” and “erotic” in the subtitle and thumb your way through a veritable
feast
of spankings and bossy brutes, big daddies and naughty little girls. You can be a
“strong, independent, ‘normal,’ feminist-minded woman” and still want this crazy shit in bed. In fact, being a “strong, independent, ‘normal,’ feminist-minded woman” only increases your chance of getting what you want from sex.

So let’s talk about how you can do that, my submissive little plum.

It’s clear to me that you have some healing to do in regards to your father. He sexually abused you and then he died. That’s big, hard stuff. A good psychotherapist will help you make sense of your loss, your violation, and the love you likely still have for your dad. He or she will also help you explore how your history is connected to your current sexual desires.

My guess is that it
is
connected—at least murkily—as uncomfortable as that makes you feel. But that doesn’t mean you wanted your father to fuck you or that you would like to be raped or bullied by men. It means, perhaps, that you lost something or were wounded in a place that your sexual longings are maybe—and only maybe!—attempting to recover and repair. It’s impossible to know, but I encourage you to seek as much insight into your own shadow world as you can. Not so you’ll rid yourself of your “sick thoughts,” but so you can finally embrace your sexuality and have some fun.

And fun it is. The deal with sexual fantasy is that it’s
pretend
. And when a fantasy is acted out, it’s done so between and among
consenting adults
. There’s a world of difference between being raped and asking someone to rip your clothes off and fuck you. You are the agent of power in your sex life, even if what you want is to relinquish your power and agency while you’re having sex. You can take that power back at any moment.

Which means, of course, that you always had it.

Rape victims don’t. Incest victims don’t. Victims of domineering bullies don’t. You’re missing this key point when you lambaste yourself for having the desires that you do, when you reject the reality that
icky thoughts turn you on
. The ickiest part of each of these acts is that someone is being hurt because he/she is being forced to do what he/she does not want to do.

You want the opposite. You want someone to do what you
want
him to do. And once you understand this distinction, you’ll stop feeling so horrible about your desires and you’ll start asking the men in your life to help you fulfill them. It will be good, hot, beautiful fun.

It will also be a little bit scary, the way it always is when we’re brave enough to touch the rawest, realest truths. When we have the guts to look directly into the mirror and say
Mary Worth
thirteen times without pause and see—thrillingly, terrifyingly—that it was never her we had to fear.

It was always only us.

Yours,
Sugar

Dear Sugar
,

I was raised in the very conservative Christian “Deep South,” where I’ve discovered that my life has been sheltered from the views and lifestyles in other areas of the country. Our town has a population of about 6,000. The whole county has less than 30,000. I know that people are pretty much the same everywhere, but in the South people tend to keep things out of the public eye
.

I am a professional in a real-estate-related field and I own my own business. I’ve been married for twenty-plus years and have four children. The first half of my marriage was what I considered utopia, but we’ve grown apart over the last ten years or so. Now it seems that we simply cohabitate peacefully, similar to siblings. Neither of us is happy, but we stay together for the kids
.

Several years ago, I was involved in an accident that damaged my spine. I was told by a neurosurgeon that operating wouldn’t help, and he referred me to a pain management clinic. Now I am hopelessly addicted to the pain meds. In my youth, I experimented with drinking and drugs. Much of that was spurred on by the suicide of an older sibling. I never had a problem as far as addiction, though. Now, I take a month’s supply of some very strong pain meds in about seven to ten days, then I crash and have to beg or borrow from others to make it to the next appointment. I know
that these drugs will end up turning my liver into a rock if I don’t accidentally overdose first. I know that I have a serious problem
.

When the economy went bad, so did business, and we ended up losing our health insurance. I no longer have employees, so if I don’t work every day, we don’t eat. Rehab is realistically impossible. I can’t depend on my wife for support and don’t have any other family anywhere close. I feel totally alone except for my children. I tried everything I could think of, from prayer to “cold turkey.” I simply don’t have the discipline to follow through. I’ve come to depend on the drugs mentally as much or more than physically. I depend on the drugs to help me deal with the lack of work and income as well as dealing with a loveless marriage. Couple that with the loss of my dear mother a year and a half ago, and soon thereafter one of my best friends to cancer. Now I have begun to have problems with depression and suicidal thoughts that I’m sure are related to the meds as much as the economy or anything else. The choices I see are:

I hope you can see some other options because I just don’t see any of the ones I’ve listed working out. Please be honest, blunt, and give me a new perspective on my multifaceted problem
.

Thank you,
Ruler of a Fallen Empire

Dear Ruler of a Fallen Empire,

I’m terribly sorry for your misfortune. You listed the three options you believe you have, but really they all say the same thing: that you believe you’re fucked before you begin. I understand why you feel this way. Your convergence of physical pain, drug addiction, financial woe, no health insurance, and an unhappy marriage is truly daunting. But you don’t have the luxury of despair. You can find a way to overcome these difficulties, and you must. There aren’t three options. There is only one. As Rilke says, “You must change your life.”

You have the capacity to do that, Ruler. It seems impossible now, but you aren’t thinking clearly. The drugs and desperation and depression have muddled your head. If there is only one thought that you hold in your mind right now, please let it be that one. It was that thought that got me out of my own drug/money/love disaster several years ago. Someone I trusted told me what to do when I couldn’t think right for myself and listening to him saved my life.

You say that you don’t have the “discipline to follow through” when it comes to kicking your addiction, but you do. It’s that you can’t do it alone. You need to reach out for help. Here’s what I think you should do: