Time to Heal (Harlequin Heartwarming) (19 page)

“I need to know how you feel, Jake.”

He inhaled, then with a rush of breath, gave a short laugh. Pulling her tight against him, he asked, “How do you think I feel, baby? What does this tell you about how I feel?”

“To tell the truth, not very much.”

“I want to go to bed, Rachel. I want to make love to you. That’s what I feel, Rachel.”

“And then what?”

For a few seconds he just looked at her. Rachel felt a brief pang of sympathy for his confusion. In all the years they’d been married, she’d never asked to know his feelings. It had been enough to know he loved her and showed her often. In a way, it was a testimony to the depth of their devotion to each other that their marriage had endured as long—and as well—as it had, considering that neither of them had been very skillful in communicating the really important things. Now, left with only each other and a somewhat tattered relationship, they needed more than a union of bodies. They needed to share their minds and hearts and souls.

Rachel wondered wryly how the idea would strike Jake. She sensed he was waiting for her to speak. But when she remained stubbornly silent, he drew in a deep breath.

“Okay. Okay. There’s something important going down here, but I’m not sure I know what it is. Help me out, sweetheart.”

Rachel prayed for the right words. “We made love in that motel in Orlando, but we didn’t…it didn’t…”

“Fix everything? We didn’t come home and live happily ever after?”

Sagging a little with relief, she rested her forehead against his chest. “See? You felt it, too.”

He closed his eyes and after a moment, he said,
“I know what you mean. I didn’t want to admit it. I figured we could work it out. We’d restored that part of our relationship. And if Mike hadn’t disappeared…”

And my stupidity over Ron Campbell hadn’t come out…
She finished the thought for him with an inward flinch.

Jake rested his chin on her head. “I guess one night wasn’t enough to fix everything.”

She nodded, moving her palm across his chest in a slow caress. “There was a lot to fix, Jake.”

“Yeah.”

“Scotty, my emptiness, then Michael, what he saw with Ron, the Miami thing, your…”

Affair. One-night stand. Betrayal. Yet how could she judge him now? Her guilt and torment washed over her anew.

“We hadn’t worked it all out then, Jake.” She looked at him intently. “Have we now?”

He studied her with equal intensity. “We still haven’t found Scotty.”

“We haven’t found Michael.”

“But we will.”

“Yes, we will,” she told him softly, leaning into him. Then she smiled, just a tiny fleeting flutter of her mouth. “Remember my dream?”

“Yeah.” With his hand cradling her face, he said, “Are you okay now with the Miami thing?”

She looked away for a long moment before nod
ding. “I think so. It hurt, but it was a long time ago, and we have Michael.” She took a little breath. “Are you okay with Ron Campbell?” she asked, watching him carefully.

“I will be after I kill him.”

“Jake!”

“I’m okay, I’m okay. But let’s just put it this way: wouldn’t you like to work someplace else?”

Shaking her head, smiling, she kissed his palm, thinking that only temporary insanity could have made her consider jeopardizing her place in this man’s heart. Whatever his faults, he was simply the only man she’d ever loved.

“So…” Jake’s arms tightened fractionally, prodding her. “Can we go to bed now, sweetheart?”

“Make love,” she corrected gently, touching her mouth to his. There were other things, but they could be dealt with another time. She wanted to be a full partner, a complete woman. She wanted to be all that she could be, and she wanted it with this man. It was enough for tonight that they seize this moment.

“J
AKE
.”

“Mmm.”

“I’ve been thinking…”

He groaned, then grunted in protest when she gently yanked a few of his curly hairs. “Don’t go to sleep yet.”

He squeezed her sleepily. “I’m all ears, baby.”

“I’m giving notice tomorrow.”

Shifting, he pulled back a little so that he could see her face. “You’re quitting your job? Honey, I was just kidding when I said that about—”

“I know. I’m not quitting because you think it’s the thing to do. I’m quitting because it’s what I want to do. I’m going back to school.”

When he didn’t say anything straightaway, Rachel said, “Well?”

“Well, what? I know better than to open my mouth on these career announcements. Any opinions I have on this subject are going to stay locked in, buttoned up.”

“That is not communication, Jake. That’s pique.”

He gave a short laugh. “Pique?”

“Annoyance, irritation,” she said.

“I know what it means, sugar.”

“I’m resigning because I want to do something more worthwhile than admitting people to the emergency room.”

“What about Campbell’s offer? Assistant to the administrator has more prestige than a clerk in Emergency.”

“Prestige isn’t what I want, Jake. Besides, do you realize how patronizing that sounds? I’m not working for a lark. I want to make a difference. Is that so hard to understand? I already have a degree in psychology. I want to take some more courses,
subjects that will help me get a job as a counselor at a school. Or I might consider casework for the county. From some of the things I’ve seen in the foster-care system, there’s plenty of opportunity. Or maybe something like Jacky Kendall does.”

“Jacky Kendall is a qualified police officer, Rachel. She’s been to the academy. I don’t want you to—” He stopped, then drew in a deep breath. “Tell me you don’t want to be a police officer, baby. Please.”

She chuckled softly. “I don’t want to be a police officer, Jake. I just meant I like the way Jacky works with troubled kids. I think I might like to do that, but not necessarily in a law-enforcement setting.”

“Then the foster-care thing might be your best bet.”

She looked at him in surprise. “You mean you think it’s a good idea? You don’t have a problem with it?”

He reached for her, then leaned back against the pillows, bringing her with him. “I want you to be happy, sweetheart. If you want it, as they say—go for it.”

Smiling, she settled against him and stared at the lazily revolving ceiling fan, gathering her thoughts. “I’m almost happy tonight, Jake.”

“Well, thanks, I think.”

“No, seriously. I feel as if I’ve spent the past few
months battling demons and I didn’t even know their names.”

“You’ve had to bear the cruelest tragedy imaginable, Rachel. Losing a child can take down the strongest person. It’s natural for something like that to have serious repercussions.”

“It isn’t only Scotty. I always believed there were certain things in life that I had to have in order to be happy and satisfied, and the funny thing is, I don’t have any of them now, Jake.” She glanced at him before nuzzling her cheek against him. “Except you.”

“What things don’t you have?”

“Well, the things were never a big house and a BMW and membership in a country club. At least I was wise enough to know that all along. But having a child, rearing him in a way other people approved of, running my home flawlessly, playing the role of the perfect wife for you and your constituents… Those were the things. My identity always hinged on something, or someone, else.” She studied the fan with a frown. “I’m amazed that I wasted so many years feeling that way. Now Scotty is gone, Michael has run away, scandal has touched my perfect world, my brief stab at a career has turned sour. In fact—”

“You make it sound as if your life is in ashes at your feet.”

“Well, in some ways it is.” It took a second
before she picked up on the wary note in his tone. He didn’t like hearing her voice dissatisfaction with her life. She realized with a flash of insight that he felt threatened. Had she given him so little assurance that she would love him through thick and thin? If so, was it any wonder he felt he must always fix everything for her? What a crushing responsibility, even for a man of Jake’s strength.

“What I mean is that I finally discovered that I can be fulfilled and at peace with myself without many of the things I once thought necessary.”

“Has it been so awful being Mrs. Jake McAdam?”

This time she definitely heard the hurt in his voice.

“No, it’s just that I’ve been a fair-weather wife to you, Jake, and you deserved better. I’ve been little girl instead of a partner. You sheltered me from the harsh realities of the search for Scotty because you’ve always taken care of me.”

Jake’s hand on hers was a little too tight. “It’s natural for a man to want to protect his wife,” he said gruffly.

“Yes, but not to the extent I demanded or allowed. I wound up being somebody I didn’t like.”

“Rachel, you didn’t demand any such thing. We did what we wanted.”

“Okay, we’ll share the blame.”

He dropped his head back against the head
board. “How come that doesn’t sound as if I won this debate?”

“This is not a debate, Jake. It’s—”

“Communication,” he finished, saying the word as though it left a bad taste in his mouth.

“You can see the pattern all the way back to the beginning, in Miami,” she said, pausing thoughtfully. “The miscarriages were hard for me. I wanted a baby so much. But for the wrong reasons, I know now. To complete me.” She glanced at him. “That was hard for you, it must have been. A few times you’ve hinted at feeling shortchanged….”

Jake made a move as though to protest, but she shushed him with a quick shake of her head. “And you were right. But I did love you then, Jake. I was just so mixed up, so insecure. Your job didn’t help, either. Working for the DEA was dangerous. It was hard for me to cope with that.”

“It must have scared you to death when I actually got shot.”

“It truly did. But oddly enough, it took something that drastic to make me realize how much I loved you and that with or without a baby, I wanted to be your wife. I had gone home to Tidewater that week to think it out.” She rubbed her cheek idly against his arm. “If you hadn’t left the DEA, I might have grown up faster. But you did leave Miami, which subdued most of my fears, and life in Tidewater was safe from the harsh things
in the world. There has certainly been less stress here. But looking back I can see where I missed opportunities to focus on a personal goal, a career or some worthy cause, that would have boosted my self-esteem. Being here made it easier to continue along until at last the miracle happened. I got pregnant.”

“I wanted a child as much as you, Rachel.”

She rubbed against him affectionately. “Not quite, but it’s sweet of you to say so.”

One of his eyebrows rose. “Taking care of you again, am I?”

“It’s okay to do it a little.” She angled her head so that she could see his profile. “I’ve always envied your…steadfastness, did I ever tell you that? You were always so sure, so confident, whereas I’ve always dithered over things, been blown around by every little wayward wind. Awful as it is, I feel as though losing Scotty forced me to grow up. Does that make any sense?”

He was silent so long that Rachel pushed back to see him fully. “Jake?”

“I’m just wondering how you could have been so deep in all this soul-searching without my knowing it.”

“Communication isn’t something we’ve been very good at,” she told him softly. “But don’t feel bad. I’ve always internalized things. You haven’t
been aware of my thoughts because I haven’t been sharing them.”

“I guess it’s a good thing you’ve grown up, then, because you would have been in trouble depending on me lately.”

His remark derailed her thoughts for a second. She frowned in the dimness. “What do you mean by that?”

“You’re not the only one fighting a few demons, Rachel.”

It was so rare for Jake to express any personal doubt or to admit to any shortcomings that she paused, uncertain what to say. Had talking out her own tangled thoughts made it easier for him to let down his guard? “It has been a bad time all around, for everyone,” she said cautiously. “I—”

She stopped at the sound of his harsh, mirthless laugh. “‘Bad’ is an understatement, wouldn’t you say?”

“Are we talking about Michael’s disappearance? Or Scotty’s? Or what?”

Both, she realized suddenly as he threw the sheet aside and got out of bed. All of the above. It was dark in the bedroom, but he didn’t touch the lights. He went to the window and swept the drapes aside. Light from the street outlined Jake in sharp, stark silhouette.

“He seems to have just vanished, Rachel.”

He meant Michael, although he could just as
easily have been referring to Scotty. For the first time, Rachel glimpsed the immense depth of Jake’s pain. He was a man dedicated to his family, his town, his county, to keeping them all safe. How bitterly frustrating it must feel to have failed in that mission. He would see it as failure, she knew with sudden insight. And, to her shame, she had done so little to ease his burden.

“I know you’re doing everything you can.”

“For what it’s worth!” he said bitterly.

Rachel slipped out of bed and reached for a nightshirt. “I can’t believe that in this whole town no one noticed a lone teenage boy carrying a duffel bag. He’d have had to seek transportation of some kind.” She pulled the nightshirt over her head. “What about that bar?”

“I went again today. I didn’t get a thing out of Lou Frank, but he knows something. I can feel it.”

Rachel went over to him, wanting to see his face. “If he does, why keep it from you?”

“Good question.” With a grim look at the empty street, he said, “And I plan to get some answers. I’m going back tomorrow. One way or another, Lou’s going to talk to me.”

She put out a hand and touched him. “Jake, be careful. The people at that bar are rough.”

He looked at her. “Is that right?”

“Yes!” Her fingers tightened as she gave him a little shake. “In the emergency room, we were
always patching up Lou’s customers. Knives, guns…” She shuddered. “You name it.”

“I don’t care how rough Lou’s place is, Rachel. Like I said, I’m going back tomorrow, and I’m going to find out what my son was doing there.” The words came vehemently, unleashing the frustration and fear he’d kept locked inside. “I’m not failing here, too!”