Three Steps Behind You (29 page)

‘Alibis are not always proof of innocence,’ says Adam, looking at me hard.

It’s the sort of thing he would say if he knew about my aunt not being real. About me being here, not in Bath, when he had his ‘break-in’. But he doesn’t know. He cannot know. Or else he would have done something. Loved me. Hated me. Sought revenge. Something. And so I cannot tell him how right he is, that alibis and guilt are not mutually exclusive. Although I am not guilty. I am still innocent; all is done through love.

Nicole, understandably, does not understand. She is clutching at worldly ideas of innocence.

‘Dan’s right, Adam,’ she says. ‘You have an alibi. It wasn’t you. It wasn’t you.’

I don’t think she believes herself, though, because she is still shaking.

‘Did you ever meet my good friend Jimmy, Nic?’ asks Adam.

It starts to dawn on me why Jimmy has a Maserati. That he was the one driving that night. On Adam’s command.

Nicole shakes her head.

It also dawns on me that for the last six years, my friendship with Adam has been a lie. For years, I have been going to that house, watching Adam sit on the sofa with his wedding tape, a welcome witness to his ‘grief’. A corroboration of his innocence. That this was why he kept allowing me to come round.

‘Shame,’ tuts Adam. ‘A good friend, helped me out. Too late, now, though.’

Nicole is still shaking her head. ‘Not too late, Adam. Very happy to meet him, to meet all your friends.’

Or really, a double lie. For I have lied to him too, by not confessing. Perhaps we can forgive each other our dishonesty?

Adam sighs. ‘I don’t think so, Nic,’ he says.

He bends down and starts kissing her neck. I want to look away. But I can’t, because his sapphire eyes are locked on mine. With each kiss, he looks at me more intently. With each kiss, my heart curls in on itself more desperately.

‘It’s because I loved you,’ he says, looking at me. ‘True love.’

I feel my heart uncurl again under the watch of his eyes. Is it for me, then, that he did it, killed Helen? He is looking right at me.

‘I wanted to be with you, just you, so badly,’ he continues, still kissing Nicole, still looking at me.

If he means me, he should kiss me; he should just tell me that he loves me.

‘Yes, Nic, I loved you,’ he says.

So. It is Nicole he loves. Not me. He is taunting me. My heart fully folds in on itself until it is a little ball. It is for Nicole that he has killed. I have only raped for him. Not killed for him. Unless I am Luke. Am I Luke?

Yes, we are now the same, you and I. We have killed for the one we love. For Love itself. Would do so again
.

But Nicole is obsessed with the finer details, with the tenses of words.

‘Loved?’ she asks. ‘You still love me, Adam. Remember, you still love me.’

I wait for Adam to shake his head. But he doesn’t.

‘Perhaps, Nic,’ he says. ‘But I love me more.’

Suddenly, Adam’s other hand is out from behind his back. And in it is a knife.

Chapter 5

The knife is not a small knife. It is a big knife. With a sharp blade. From a West Hampstead kitchen. Designed for butchering, skewering, dicing. Nicole can’t see it yet – it is held down by Adam’s side. Our secret.

‘I’m not going to prison, you see,’ Adam says. ‘I can’t do that to myself.’

‘Why would you go to prison?’ asks Nicole.

Adam does a little laugh. ‘Because you’re so conscientious, my darling. This great passion for justice that you have.’ He bends down and stage whispers, ‘Because you’ll tell your new best friend, DC Huhne.’

Nicole shakes her head. ‘I won’t, I won’t. I promise I won’t.’

Adam nods. ‘You’re right, Nicole. You won’t.’ Adam lets Nicole see the knife. Our moment of shared secrets is lost. Nicole does not seem to understand the privilege of being let into the secret, because she starts to whimper, and shake her head.

‘You won’t get away with this. You won’t. Dan is here. Dan, call the police!’

Adam turns to look at me, his eyebrow raised in amusement. I love him. I love that look. I want to frame it forever. Adam chuckles to himself and turns back to Nicole.

‘Don’t worry about Dan, sweetheart. He is a loyal, loyal friend. And not too keen on the police.’

Yes, you see, he recognises me. My loyalty. He is going to kill Nicole and then in reward, we will be together forever. I don’t need Nicole now,
we don’t need Nicole now, closeness is achieved, love is achieved – salvation is nigh!

‘You deserve each other, you know that?’ Nicole says. ‘He kills women too, you know.’

Adam looks at me again, differently this time. Taking me in. I am still the same. I still love him.

‘Is that right, Dan?’ Adam asks.

I want to tell him about it all, not the way Nicole described it earlier, but the whole plan, what Luke and I did for him, as practice, to seduce Nicole, to get close again to him. But Nicole might tell him about the first closeness. So instead I just nod.

‘That woman, in the flat, opposite where we had dinner. He murdered her,’ Nicole fills in.

Adam doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he smiles at me, like I’ve suddenly done him a favour. I smile back. Maybe he understands. Maybe he is, in fact, He and omniscient.

‘You two deserve each other. You can rot in prison together. Because they’ll know, they’ll know that you were here,’ Nicole continues.

‘Nicole, I’m not here,’ says Adam softly. ‘Just like I wasn’t there when Helen died. Jimmy is here. Dan is here. No one who matters saw me come in or go out.’

It’s okay, because I know he doesn’t mean that I don’t matter. He just means I don’t matter in this context, because I’ll never tell the police.

‘Your friend Jimmy? How do you know you can trust him? He’ll tell people. Then you’ll be done for both me and Helen. Don’t do this, Adam. We can work it out.’

‘Sure, Jimmy’s outside. He’s probably gazing at his new Rolex. And for all he knows, we’re in here, having tea. In fact, I fancy some tea. Put the kettle on, will you, Dan?’

Tea, devotion, love – whatever it is, Adam can have it. I go into the kitchen and fill the kettle.

‘You’ve got time for some tea, too, I think, Nicole,’ says Adam. ‘Or are you still off the caffeine, with the baby?’

I put the kettle into its base and flick the switch to boil.

‘So, you remember we’re having a baby, then. That you’re going to kill, as well, right?’

The swooshing noise starts in the kettle. Heat begins to rise. Little bubbles start to form, through the window.

‘Nicole, I’ve already done the logic there, remember? With Helen.’

Steam is now rising from the spout.

‘It’s like this: You can only love a baby if you love its mother. If you got divorced, she might have an abortion anyway. If it lives, it might inherit all your money.’

Bubbling and bubbling and – now – yes, boiling, boiling. I put two bags into the teapot and pour the water over them both, so that they are saturated.

Next door, Nicole has stopped whimpering. She is sobbing.

‘I thought you loved me,’ she is saying, over and over again. It is an easy mistake to make, with Adam.

‘Nic, honey, I did. I loved you so much.’ His voice waivers.

I clatter the cups and pot down onto a tray.

‘Tea’s up,’ I say. Since I’ve been in the kitchen, Adam has changed position. He is squatting down now, facing her, level with her neck. She is still bound to the chair. Her neck and her belly are exposed for incision.

‘I did, I really used to love you. In fact, what I loved then, I love even more now,’ says Adam. His voice is strong again, now he has an audience.

‘Milk, sugar, you two?’ I ask.

‘Then don’t do this, Adam. Don’t kill me, for God’s sake! We’ll work it out.’

‘I loved you in a special way, Nicole, so different from what I loved about Helen. Do you know why I loved Helen?’

I think back to the picture of the castle with the queen scrubbed out. I think I can guess.

‘Her castle and her jewels?’ I volunteer.

Adam looks at me and smirks.

‘Yeah, why not, Dan? What a lot you know about love. Her castle and her jewels, Nicole. And we already had the castle, didn’t we, when you came along? And you weren’t above helping yourself to its contents.’

Nicole is shaking her head. ‘I didn’t know. I didn’t know.’ I can imagine her thinking of all the jewels, all the diamonds, all the kitchen designs – her house and herself decorated with blood.

‘But the castle would be so empty, alone. And you were so pretty to put in it. So glamorous. My Nicole, my actress.’

‘It can still be that way, Adam,’ Nicole says.

He looks at her. He raises his free gloved hand, and hovers it above her forehead, as if to stroke her. Then he takes his hand away.

‘I can’t go back, Nicole. To that. Or to a jail. You’ve no idea what it’s like.’

‘Because you never told me. You never told me about Feltham. You never share. Just bottle it up, then act.’

‘You’d have divorced me. And taken your split of the house and my money. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t. Indecent assault isn’t attractive. Is it, Dan?’

He doesn’t wait for an answer, but carries on. ‘I’d be awful in prison, again, Nic. I attract odd people. People I don’t want. Look at Dan.’

I know I shouldn’t take offence at this. I know he is just doing Nicole one last kindness, before he kills her – make her not know his real motive. His love for me.

‘I’d be there with all sorts of people, Nic,’ he continues. ‘Horrible ones. Odd ones. Locked up, in a tiny place, with shabby clothes, and no hope. Why couldn’t you just put Helen out of your mind, like I did? Why the constant discussions with Huhne? Why did you put it all at risk?’

‘I’ll stay away. I won’t talk to her. I promise.’

‘I can’t believe you, Nic. I know you will, eventually. You’ll be in bed in the middle of night, or after we’ve made love. And you’ll think: How do I know he won’t kill me too? And then you’ll betray me. Trust me; I know who my betrayers are.’

Adam is right. Nicole lies. But who betrays him? I don’t.

‘I’m sorry, Nic,’ he says. ‘But it was you who destroyed us. Now it’s my turn.’

I expect Adam to use that moment to insert the knife, to slit down her front, to the roe. But he doesn’t. He stands up. Then he takes the pot in his gloved hand. And he pours tea all over Nicole. She cries out – the water must still be scalding. And yes, it is, because she is going red, lobster red. She cannot fight back, her hands still tied, so all she can do is shut her mouth, shut her eyes, endure it.

And then comes a voice that I did not expect to hear.

The voice of DC Huhne.

Chapter 6

It’s coming through the letterbox, her voice.

‘Hello,’ it says. ‘Mr Millard? Dan? Nicole? You still in there?’

Before Nicole can cry out, Adam fastens his hand over her mouth.

‘I got a message you tried to reach me from here, Nicole. Are you in here?’

Adam and I look at each other. If he lets Nicole go, she will cry out. If he doesn’t let her go, Huhne will come in.

‘Go to the door,’ he mouths at me. ‘Open it, tell her Nicole has gone.’

‘She won’t believe me,’ I say. ‘She’ll want to come in, do a search.’

‘Just tell her through the door, then.’

‘She’ll force it down. They’re close, her and Nicole. And DC Huhne thinks I … thinks I did stuff.’

‘Nicole, can you shout out if you’re in there, please? Otherwise I’m going to have to force an entry.’

Adam looks at Nicole, at the knife, at her belly.

‘Take the knife,’ he orders me.

I take it. I wonder if I should be wearing gloves. Too late now.

Keeping one hand over Nicole’s mouth, he pulls up her top to expose her bump. Then he takes the knife back from me, and places it on the bump, blade against skin. I hear Nicole take in breath, see her body stiffen.

‘Still got that motherly instinct, hmm, Nic? Defender of the unborn, just in case there’s a chance you can survive?’ She doesn’t reply, but I can see he is right.

‘Very noble,’ Adam continues. ‘So, what we’re going to do, Nic, is untie your hands, but your ankles will still be tied to this chair. Then Dan is going to go to the door, while I stay here, beneath the table, with the knife held just here. And then I’m going to take my hand away from your mouth, Nic,’ says Adam, so softly I have to strain to hear. ‘And when I do so, you’re not going to scream. You’re going to say, very loudly and firmly, ‘It’s okay, DC Huhne, I’m here and I’m fine. I’m through here.’ He presses the knife harder onto her belly. He pierces the skin. ‘A little bit of acting. Okay?’ he asks.

She nods her head slightly.

‘And when DC Huhne comes through here, you’re going to say everything is fine, and you’re not going to give me away, are you? You’re going to say that Helen was killed by accident. Okay?’ More pressure from the knife. She nods.

Outside, DC Huhne is still hammering on the door.

Adam applies the knife firmly to Nicole’s stomach. He takes his hand away from Nicole’s mouth. She doesn’t scream. Satisfied, he takes his place under the table. His altar. He is completely hidden by the voluminous tablecloth. Then, presumably after more pressure from the knife, Nicole calls out, ‘It’s fine, DC Huhne. Dan’s coming to let you in.’

‘And what do I say about the fact I’m covered in tea?’ Nicole asks quietly.

‘Nothing,’ says Adam, from under the table.

‘And what if I say to Dan that I’ll tell Huhne about the girl in the flats if he doesn’t tell her everything?’ asks Nicole.

The answer is her wince and silent exclamation. The knife is doing its work.

I walk along the corridor as I’ve been told.

‘I couldn’t find the keys,’ I shout, jangling them around. You can hear keys on the other side of a door. I know, from Feltham.

I wonder, when I get to the front door, if back in the dining room Adam is concerned whether his trust in me is well placed. Or his trust in the knife.

Chapter 7

When I open the door, I see I was right to think that Huhne wouldn’t trust me. Her eyes narrow as soon as she sees me.

‘What kept you, Mr Millard?’ she asks. ‘Busy drawing?’