Three Days Before the Shooting ... (14 page)

McGowan’s eyes twinkled. “I’d be glad to,” he said. “If a nigra buys his
woman a washing machine—watch him, he’s dangerous! And if he gets her a clothes dryer and a dishwasher—put that nigra under the jail, he’s trying to undercut our American way of life. Y’all can smile all you want, but things like that are most political. And in point of fact, there are few things in this world as political as a black nigra woman owning her own washing machine! Now don’t laugh. You Yankees must remember that the Industrial Revolution was
revolutionary
, because if y’all don’t know it, the nigra does, and he never stops scheming to make it more so. So verily, verily I say unto you Yankees: Watch the nigra who owns more than one TV set because he’s getting too ambitious and too well-informed, and that’s bound to
end up
being political.

“Because if you let the nigra see Indians killing white folks week after week—which is another Yankee mistake—he’s apt to go bad, and the next thing you know he’s learning about Nehru, Nasser, and the Mau Maus, and that’s politically unwise. It doesn’t matter that the Indians are always defeated, because the nigra feels that
he
can win. After all, nigras are
Southerners
too. That’s something else you Yankees had better remember, nigras are
Southern
too!

“And I’ll tell you something else: If his woman or his gal chillen come up wearing blond wigs, or if they dye their kinky nigra hair red, they’re being defiantly political. On the other hand, if they stop straightening their hair in the old Southern darky tradition and start wearing it short and natural like those African nigras—right there you have a bunch of homegrown nigras who are on the way to being hopelessly contaminated. Those nigras are sweating and breathing politics—call Edgar Hoover!

“Watch the papers the nigra reads, especially if you see him subscribing to
The Wall Street Journal
or
The New York Times
. Watch him closely if he gets interested in the stock market. Such a nigra is power-hungry, and the next thing you know he’ll want to vote and run for public office—”

“There,” Wiggins said, “that’s what really worries you, isn’t it?”

McGowan shook his head.

“I wouldn’t say that. Although I’ll admit that between a nigra making big money and getting the vote, money is the lesser evil. A nigra millionaire, once you can stomach the idea, is a pretty safe nigra. Because if there’s anything to the old saying that there’s nothing more timid than a million bucks, then a million nigra bucks is bound to be ten times as afraid. So don’t worry about the nigra millionaire; he’s just a nigra with more money than he knows what to do with. Y’all ever heard of one endowing?”

“I’m glad to learn that there’s at least
something
about the Negro which isn’t political,” Thompson said.

“There is, but not too much,” McGowan said. “Because the nigra is a
political
animal. He came out of Africa that way. He makes politics as naturally
as a dirt dauber makes mud houses or a beaver builds dams. Watch his environment. If you see his woman putting pictures other than snapshots up on the wall, regard her with suspicion; she’s likely to break out in a rash of politics.

“If a nigra joins the Book-of-the-Month Club or the Great Books Program, investigate him, because when nigras get hold of such deals they become more political than
Das Kapital
and the Communist Manifesto put together. Now, there was a time when the Bible was considered the only book that a nigra should be allowed to read, but now I’ll be damned if he hasn’t made even the Good Book political. So I counsel you to watch your educated nigra.

“If he reads Bill Shakespeare, that’s all right, because no nigra who ever
lived
would know how to apply the Bard—not even that big stupid buck nigra, Othello; who was so dumb that when his poor, dear, sweet little wife, Desdemona, dropped her Kotex in the wrong place and he heard about it, right away he thinks in his ignorant nigra fashion that she’s been allowing somebody to tamper with her, and he lets that nasty Italian bastard, what’s-his-name—Iago, that’s him—confuse him and agitate him into taking her poor, sweet life. Poor little ole thing. No sir, no nigra born has ever been up to dealing with Bill Shakespeare: but if you catch you a nigra reading that low-down, traitorous, nigra-loving Bill Faulkner and
liking
him, there you have a politically dangerous integrationist nigra!”

“Why do you specify
liking
him?”

“Because a proper nigra is supposed to get scared as hell when he sees that kind of treachery going on.

“And now let’s look into another area. You want to watch what the nigra eats, because it has been established that some diets are political while others are not. And it’s a proven fact that the moment the nigra changes his diet he gets dissatisfied and restless. So watch what he eats. Fat meat, corn bread, lima beans, ham hocks, chitterlings, watermelon, black-eyed peas, molasses, collard greens, buttermilk and clabber, neckbones and red beans and rice, hominy—both grit and lye hominy—these are traditional foods and healthy for the nigra and are
usually
not political—”

“You left out chicken,” Larkin said.

“Chicken?” McGowan said. “That there is a good question. Chicken is also traditional and harmless in the political sense—unless, of course, a wrongheaded, political nigra is caught stealing one. And even so, there’s really nothing
political
about a nigra stealing a chicken. In fact, down South we agree that a nigra is
supposed
to steal him a chicken ever now and then, and the only
crime
involved is in his getting himself caught.

“But”—McGowan held up his hand then and allowed it to slap the table
POW!
—
“lobster
is out!”

Wiggins sputtered over his drink. “Oh, Lord,” he said. “Oh, Lord, protect us. Give me some black coffee!”

“Gentlemen, I tell you truly, lobster on a nigra’s table is political as hell! Lobster gives a nigra false courage. It puts rocks in his nigra jaws and wild ideas in his nigra brain. In short, lobster—any
kind
of lobster—whether broiled, boiled, fried, fra diavoloed, or thermidored—serve it any damn way you please—lobster simply messes up a nigra! If the price of lobster ever goes down in this country, we’ll have trouble on our hands.

“And watch the rascal if he develops a taste for T-bone steak, Cornish hens, sweetbreads, calf’s liver (although pig liver is traditional and okay), parsnips, artichokes, venison, or quiche lorraine—he’s been under bad influences and getting political again.

“And it’s a good idea to watch what he does with traditional foods. For instance, if he starts
baking his
pig’s feet in cheesecloth instead of boiling them in the Southern nigra fashion—right there you have a bad nigra on your hands.

“And don’t overlook the political implications of a nigra eating too much Chinese or Japanese or Jewish food. Call the FBI if you catch him buying French wines, German beer, or drinks like Aquavit or Pernod. In New Orleans one time a nigra drank a glass of Pernod and went down to the courthouse and cussed out the judge in pure Parisian French! Nigras who drink such liqueurs have jumped the reservation and are out to ruin the nation.

“And Scotch whiskey is just as bad. Just as bad….” He shook his head grimly. “A nigra doesn’t even have to have heard about Bonny Prince Charlie, but let him start drinking Scotch and right away he swears he’s George Washington’s great-grandson and the rightful head of the United States Government. And not only that, a nigra who switches to Scotch after being brought up on good corn and bourbon is putting on airs, has forgotten his place, and is in implicit rebellion! Besides, have y’all ever considered what would happen to our liquor industry if all the nigras switched to drinking Scotch? A calamity!”

I watched him bend forward, his eyes intense.

“Now I want to get on to other matters, but before I do, let me say that one of the meanest, low-downest forms of nigra politics I know of, and one which I don’t like to bring up among a bunch of gentlemen, and that’s when a sneaking, ornery, smart-alecky nigra stands up in a crowd of peaceful, well-meaning white folks who’ve gathered together in a public place to see justice done and that nigra ups and breaks wind! Wait a minute now! Wait one minute. This ain’t funny a’tall! I was at a murder trial once, and just as the judge was charging the jury, some politically subversive nigra standing back in the rear let loose in there, and the next thing you know the judge has cleared the courtroom! Things are in an uproar, and the poor jury gets so
confused that the case has to be thrown out, and the guilty nigra who was standing trial got away scot-free!

“It’s sad, gentlemen, but it’s true,” McGowan said, shaking his head as we gasped for breath. “You simply have to be alert and vigilant against nigra politics at all times. For instance, when you find a nigra looking at those girlie magazines that display naked white womanhood—which is something else you Yankees are responsible for—or irresponsible for—
whip his head
! Because when you see a nigra boy looking at that type of magazine, he’s long gone on the road of those Japs who broke the white man’s power in Asia by ordering their soldiers to sleep with every white-trash whore gal—mostly European, understand—they could lay their yalla hands on. In the hands of a nigra boy all such photographs and cartoons become insidiously political.”

“Oh, come now,” someone said.

“You wonder why? Because they expose the white woman’s mystery and undermine the white man’s mastery, that’s why. They show the buck nigra everything we’ve been working three hundred years to keep concealed. Because with the nigra even poontang is political. That’s right! Those Renaissance fellows don’t have a thing on the nigra except power! Think about it.

“Now Thompson, here, was talking about our not having any
forms
through which we can see what the nigra is up to politically, and I’ve been demonstrating that he’s mistaken—but he’s right to the extent that the nigra hasn’t developed any forms of his own. He’s just copied the white man and twisted what he’s copied to fit the nigra taste. But he does have his own nigra church, and his own nigra religion, and the point I want to make is that he gets political according to his religion. Did y’all know that?”

“No,” I said, “I never even dreamed it was possible.”

“I know you didn’t,” McGowan said, “so I’d better tell you. Baptist nigras and Methodist nigras and Holy Roller nigras are okay. Even Seventh Day Adventist nigras are okay—even though they’re a bit strange even to other nigras. I’ve heard them sound off about it. So all these nigra religions are okay. But you have got to watch the nigra who changes
from
Baptist
to
Episcopalian or Catholic, because that is a nigra who is gone ambitious and has turned his back on the South. That nigra’s not searching for God; he’s looking for a political scantling to head-whip you with.

“And watch the young nigra who joins up with Father Divine. It’s not the same when up North a poor ole-fashioned nigra grows homesick for the South and joins up; the young one is out to undermine society and is probably staying up nights scheming and trying to get God on the nigra side. Same thing if a nigra becomes a Jew—who the hell ever heard of one of our
good
nigras joining up with the Jews? When a nigra does that, he’s political, subversive, unruly, and probably oversexed—even for a nigra!

“Now, what are some of the political aspects of the nigra here in D.C.?
Well, around here things are so out of hand, mongrelized, and confused that I don’t know where to begin, but here are a few manifestations: nigras visiting white folks, walking or riding along the streets with white women; visiting the Congress, hanging around Abe Lincoln’s monument; visiting white churches; carrying picket signs; sending delegations to see the President; carrying briefcases with real papers in them; nigras wearing homburg hats and chesterfield overcoats; hiring uniformed chauffeurs, especially if the chauffeur is white—all these things are political because the nigra who does them is dying to be a diplomat so that he can get assigned abroad from where he aims to monkey with our sovereign states’ rights. To these add those nigras from Georgia and Mississippi who turn up wearing those African robes and turbans in an effort to break into white society and get closer to white folks. Because there’s nothing worse than a nigra who denies his country ‘cause that is a nigra who not only denies his mammy and his pappy but the South as well!

“Here are some other nigra political forms, Thompson: These young buck nigras who go around wearing berets, beards, and tennis shoes in the wintertime and those britches that are so doggone tight they look like they’re about to burst out of them—they’re not the same as the white boys who dress that way; they’re politically dangerous, and it’s worse, in the long run, than letting a bunch of nigras run around the capital carrying loaded automatics. Somebody ought to pass a law against it right away.

“And be on watch for your quiet nigra. Be very careful of the nigra who is too quiet when other loudmouthed nigras—who are really safe nigras—are sassing white folks on the street corners and in the Yankee press and over the Yankee radio and TV. Never mind the loudmouthed nigras, they’re like those little fice dogs that bark at you when you approach the big gate and then, when you come into the yard, they run to lick your hand—throw them a bone now and then. But keep your eye on the quiet nigra who watches every move the white man makes and studies it, because he’s probably trying to think up a theory and some strategy and tactics to subvert something.”

“But go back to the automobile,” Wiggins said. “My father-in-law is a dealer, and I think he should be warned.”

“I’m glad you reminded me,” McGowan said. “Now I’ve told you about those little foreign cars, but there’s more to the political significance of nigras and autos. Cadillacs used to be okay, but after the mess that nigra made today on Senator Sunraider’s lawn, I’m not so sure. Gentlemen, that nigra was trying to
politicalize
the Cadillac—which proves again what I say about everything the nigra does being potentially political. But one thing I do know is, you have to watch the nigra who doesn’t
want
a Cadillac,
he
can stand a
heap
—I say a
heap
—of political analysis. And pay close attention to the nigra who has the money to buy a Cadillac but who picks an Imperial instead.